How do you deal with passive aggressive people?

[Chioniso]

How would you deal with someone who is passive aggressive and a member of your family. Say you have tried to talk it out in the open but the other person denies there is a problem and simply steps up the passive aggressive behaviour? Even though you ignore it it is still hurtful. What would you do?

 

[Evolving78]

i don't. i got a divorce. i think they are the worst kind of people. my nerves can't take that. i would rather be alone than deal with someone like that. i don't care if it was my brother, sister, or whoever!

 

[Chioniso]

For the record it is not my DH, rather one of my other relations.

 

[SummerSolstice]

passive aggressive people only respond when you get on their level. they only communicate passively, they act out passively. You have to play their game to deal with them. and if you don't want to do that u may as well let them go. I have a whole side of my family I don't mess with b/c they are passive aggressive and I cut to the chase. its like oil and water, I'm always trying to say it like it is, and theyre always being sneaky so I end up looking like the bad guy. We just dont talk anymore.

 

[faithVA]

I have a parent like this so won't be any divorcing. It is irritating but nothing that I can't manage. I recognize it when its happening, and I address whatever it is and I give them options they can pick from. Sometimes when they try to push it off on me, they are promptly told that at any time the can choose to be proactive and handle it.

I guess I deal with them like a whiny child. Sometimes I just ignore it and leave them sitting there until they get over it.

 

[Seraphina]

I used to be passive aggressive but have really worked on it and can honestly say that while it's still my natural tendency to keep quiet when I'm having issues with someone, I've learned to push myself out of that and speak up. But it's still not easy for me. I grew up with one family member who would ignore me when I came to him to discuss a problem and another who was super-sensitive and got really angry when confronted with something. So, I just wanna suggest that a lot of people are like this for a reason...not just because they're bad, weak people.

What snapped me out of it was being called on it bluntly by a friend. Some people think they're keeping peace by acting like this and it needs to be brought to their attention that acting like this is not only bad for them (they know that, it doesn't feel good to keep it all inside), but that it's also unfair and frustrating for the people around them.

 

[Chioniso]

I used to be passive aggressive but have really worked on it and can honestly say that while it's still my natural tendency to keep quiet when I'm having issues with someone, I've learned to push myself out of that and speak up. But it's still not easy for me. I grew up with one family member who would ignore me when I came to him to discuss a problem and another who was super-sensitive and got really angry when confronted with something. So, I just wanna suggest that a lot of people are like this for a reason...not just because they're bad, weak people.

What snapped me out of it was being called on it bluntly by a friend. Some people think they're keeping peace by acting like this and it needs to be brought to their attention that acting like this is not only bad for them (they know that, it doesn't feel good to keep it all inside), but that it's also unfair and frustrating for the people around them.

I have tried to talk to the person about it. e.g. Why did you do xyz, were you upset about something, can we talk? And she will says something like no, I didn't mean it like that blah blah blah BUT then you will hear a remix of the story going round with her having twisted the whole story round onto me. This has happened more than once and it is very stressful.

 

[ThickHair]

i don't. i got a divorce. i think they are the worst kind of people. my nerves can't take that. i would rather be alone than deal with someone like that. i don't care if it was my brother, sister, or whoever!

Are our exhusband's the same man? shortdub78 Was your's also a narcissist? I had a passive aggressive narcissist of an exhusband. That fool had me thinking it was all me and that I was the crazy one.

OP you can not reason with passive aggressive people, don't even try. They will make YOU think YOU are CRAZY.

 

[Seraphina]

I have tried to talk to the person about it. e.g. Why did you do xyz, were you upset about something, can we talk? And she will says something like no, I didn't mean it like that blah blah blah BUT then you will hear a remix of the story going round with her having twisted the whole story round onto me. This has happened more than once and it is very stressful.

It's extremely frustrating and I get angry at myself that I used to act that way. It sucks. I'm sorry to hear that.

Have you told her point blank, "You're being passive-aggressive and it's maddening and I'm not dealing with you until you decide you're ready to talk"? I know this isn't always possible but I just wanted to put it out there because I know that for myself, I thought that my passive-aggressiveness was keeping the peace and I needed someone to say, "This is childish and unfair of you."

 

[Evolving78]

girl don't get me started on that man. his actions were very passive. he would forget things on purpose, half do things, or don't do them at all. and he was so extreme about it. he would always flip the script and made me feel like everything was my fault, because he was so silent on matters. he would purposely allow things to go bad, just so he can point i was the one in the wrong, or made the bad decision. he never took responsibility for anything. he never took charge of anything. i almost ended up checking myself into a mental facility and saw three different therapists on my own trying to figure out how to handle a person like him. once i realized that i wasn't the type of woman he needed, i was able to let go and be at peace. i refuse to let a passive aggressive person take me to crazy town! they don't realize it, or maybe they do, but they are very controlling and manipulating.

Are our exhusband's the same man? shortdub78 Was your's also a narcissist? I had a passive aggressive narcissist of an exhusband. That fool had me thinking it was all me and that I was the crazy one.

OP you can not reason with passive aggressive people, don't even try. They will make YOU think YOU are CRAZY.

 

[choctaw]

Tell them that you have a bunch of flying monkeys in hot pursuit and that Mr. Click will be with them shortly... then hang up the phone.

 

[ThickHair]

girl don't get me started on that man. his actions were very passive. he would forget things on purpose, half do things, or don't do them at all. and he was so extreme about it. he would always flip the script and made me feel like everything was my fault, because he was so silent on matters. he would purposely allow things to go bad, just so he can point i was the one in the wrong, or made the bad decision. he never took responsibility for anything. he never took charge of anything. i almost ended up checking myself into a mental facility and saw three different therapists on my own trying to figure out how to handle a person like him. once i realized that i wasn't the type of woman he needed, i was able to let go and be at peace. i refuse to let a passive aggressive person take me to crazy town! they don't realize it, or maybe they do, but they are very controlling and manipulating.

Same dude unfortunately, he thought his siht didn't stink.

 

[brg240]

passive aggressive people only respond when you get on their level. they only communicate passively, they act out passively. You have to play their game to deal with them. and if you don't want to do that u may as well let them go. I have a whole side of my family I don't mess with b/c they are passive aggressive and I cut to the chase. its like oil and water, I'm always trying to say it like it is, and theyre always being sneaky so I end up looking like the bad guy. We just dont talk anymore.

I totally agree. I am passive aggressive person and I do not respond well to if things are blunt. Or addressed directly. I understand that people can not stand dealing with others' passive aggressiveness, but dealing with things in a non roundabout way is very abrasive to me

So what ever the issue you might have talk around it. Hopefully everything works out.

 

[Lenee925]

I don't. Thankfully, he's gone and none of my family members are like this.

 

[Lenee925]

I totally agree. I am passive aggressive person and I do not respond well to if things are blunt. Or addressed directly. I understand that people can not stand dealing with others' passive aggressiveness, but dealing with things in a non roundabout way is very abrasive to me

So what ever the issue you might have talk around it. Hopefully everything works out.

Isn't this more like being fearful of confrontation? The passive-aggressive behavior I'm thinking of has to do with the person intentionally avoiding any type of communication that may be "negative" and indirectly making others believe they are in the wrong. Or like, paying a bill late to get back at someone passively instead of being upfront, etc

 

[brg240]

Lenee925

well yes but i think most passive agressiveness comes from the dislike of confrontation. I can't say I've done those things at all but, i've done things in the same vein. I definitely don't deal with things openly. I guess mine is just on a smaller scale. Like if someone says something and then asks me am i upset I'd be like 'upset no, why would i be upset?' and then not talk to them for however long i feel like that. Or if we're driving and you don't want my input i will surely let you drive past your exit and be like well you didn't want my help.


if you look at the traits listed that is a lot of me. I never viewed my procrastination or obstructionist traits as passive aggressive(have more to do with add) but they definetly can be.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Passive_aggressive

typing this out makes me realize what i have to work on :/

 

[IrrationalThoughts]

I am trying to work through this right now. No matter where 'we' end up - and that isn't looking too bright right now, we are stuck with each other for life...

I am beyond over the PA bs too. There is too much that needs doing to be pussyfooting around...ugh.