He's Damaged...

C

chokolate miss

New Member
So I have a new crush...as usual...I need to stop this!But while we were out this weekend he revealed a lot of things to me.

His mom was on drugs.
He was born addicted to drugs.
He has been homeless and slept in cars as a child.
His mother's family denies/has disowned them.
His father abandoned them.
He has been in and out of foster homes.

There is a lot more as well. But I am wondering can we "hold a person's past against them"?

Like take myself for instance, I do not have a good relationship with my mother. People always say that a man should have a great relationship with his mother and that is how you know the way he will treat you. However, knowing my history with my mother, can I even judge.

I think that I am attracted to damaged men...lost puppies so to speak...but can he recover? He is in his early twenties, by the way...

Should I avoid him because of his past? Family members tell me that he MUST have issues, but don't we all? Am I making excuses?

What would you do?
 
I dont think the things he dealt with were his fault. He was in a bad situation and lived a rough life. If he's a great guy thing go for it. Since he's in his early 20's, hopefully he's in the healing process and isnt dwelling on it too hard. Be a good friend to him and see if after his heart is healed if a relationship would work.
 
I wouldn't judge him by his life's situations. He cannot help the circumstance that he was born in. The fact that he has been forthright in telling you about his past actually gives him a point in my book. You just have to take notice on his behavior from here on out. He may have told you all about his past because he's just letting you know who he is, OR there may be a chance that he'll use his past as an excuse to act a fool with you later. I'd take careful notice but I wouldn't suddenly dump him.

ETA: There are many people who are born in unfortunate circumstances who turn out to be more functional and successful... and better human beings than those who were born within the comforts of standard normality. A person's upbringing can serve to damage them as well as empower them.
 
Last edited:
Browndilocks said:
I wouldn't judge him by his life's situations. He cannot help the circumstance that he was born in. The fact that he has been forthright in telling you about his past actually gives him a point in my book. You just have to take notice on his behavior from here on out. He may have told you all about his past because he's just letting you know who he is, OR there may be a chance that he'll use is past as an excuse to act a fool with you later. I'd take careful notice but I wouldn't suddenly dump him.
Click to expand...

@ the bold...that is what I was wondering at first. You know, is he going to run and tell me that he has a hard time getting close to people, or something else to that affect?

I am going to take it easy with him and just be friends. I don't want to punish him for the sins of his parents, but I'm a bit afraid of the situation.
 
BrooklynSouth said:
My goodness, he revealed an awful lot on a first date.
Click to expand...

Yeah, I think that he got comfortable and revealed more than he had planned on revealing.

It really bothers him. Who wants to be a "crack baby". That is heavy. I think deep down he is a great person with a lot of issues.

I have issues too and I do not know if it is the best thing for two "messed up" people to be together. But along those same lines, who understands better than someone who has been through a lot as well?

I have deep seeded issues with my parents as well, although I talk to both of them daily. I feel that these problems can help us bond. Or will they only hinder a potential union???
 
I would run if he hasn't gone to therapy. Although he's a good guy, there are going to be soooo many problems if you get into a relationship with him. We as women, tend to want to fix men, or hope that things will change orget better. But this man already warned you of what you're about to enter into. While he's telling you all of this personal stuff, ask him if he has had any counseling to deal with all of the stuff that has to be going on inside of him. If he's had no counseling I would run.
 
Denise11 said:
I would run if he hasn't gone to therapy. Although he's a good guy, there are going to be soooo many problems if you get into a relationship with him. We as women, tend to want to fix men, or hope that things will change orget better. But this man already warned you of what you're about to enter into. While he's telling you all of this personal stuff, ask him if he has had any counseling to deal with all of the stuff that has to be going on inside of him. If he's had no counseling I would run.
Click to expand...

I am not sure if he has had any counseling...but I will ask at an appropriate time.

I just keep thinking of this church service that really hit home that I attended. The theme was "the children's teeth are rotten, because thier fathers have eaten sour grapes." Both his mother and father have handed him a heavy burden and I do not know if he has laid it down.

He has said things about how I may be "too good for him". I don't want to quit so easily, because I think he expects people in his life to abandon him. But then again, I don't want to stick around just to prove a point.

He has asked me several times if I'm "a heartbreaker". I'm like "what does that mean"? He says that he wears his heart on his sleeve and he does not want me to "play him".

I have a feeling that eventually he may push me away. I'm not trying to be super save a you know what, but I want to keep him in my life...
 
To me the important thing is how is he now? And what is he doing to deal with those things that will create issues for him & any potential relationships? Also, like you said you are attracted to 'damaged men' so it would also be important for you to resolve that as well... regardless
 
speaking from experience....it's gonna be a long hard road.... it may cause issues in your relationship but he has to want to deal with them and get help.... stay strong and pray hard :rosebud:
 
I put my cape away. I had a habit of running into damaged goods
lived in crack house
mom was crack ho
mom abused him
etc

I didnt hold it against him i tried to fix him when he didn't want
help i chunked the deuce and went away in peace (2 yrs $100k too late)
 
Been there.... done that.... got the T- Shirt

Just based on what you said, it sounds like on top of everything else he has low self esteem. A man in is early twenties with low self esteem is nothing to play with. Make sure you look at his big picture and just into those puppy dog eyes. What is his situation now? How does he live? Is he gainfully employed, pursuing education? What is he doing to overcome his feelings about his past? Why did his previous relationships end? How does he speak/refer to other women in his life, his mother, exes, sister(very important :yep:)? Can he control the chaos in his life? Be careful, stay safe, and look out for number one.
 
chokolate miss said:
I am going to take it easy with him and just be friends. I don't want to punish him for the sins of his parents, but I'm a bit afraid of the situation.
Click to expand...
I think this is the best route for you to go. Yes, it's not good to punish someone for his parents' sins, at the same time, you have to look out for YOU first. If he isn't getting help for his past, it will eventually hurt you. YOU also don't need to be punished for the sins of this boy's parents.

Be friends, but I think you should pull back on that crush thing.

chokolate miss said:
But along those same lines, who understands better than someone who has been through a lot as well?

I have deep seeded issues with my parents as well, although I talk to both of them daily. I feel that these problems can help us bond. Or will they only hinder a potential union???
Click to expand...

UGH NO NO NO! Talk about a co-dependent dysfunctional relationship from hell! Why would you want to bond through problems? UGH... what ever happened to bonding through common interests, goals, belief systems, etc.... you know, the stuff that builds a GOOD foundation for a relationship?

chokolate miss said:
He has said things about how I may be "too good for him". I don't want to quit so easily, because I think he expects people in his life to abandon him. But then again, I don't want to stick around just to prove a point.

He has asked me several times if I'm "a heartbreaker". I'm like "what does that mean"? He says that he wears his heart on his sleeve and he does not want me to "play him".

I have a feeling that eventually he may push me away. I'm not trying to be super save a you know what, but I want to keep him in my life...
Click to expand...

All of these things he's saying are signs that he's not ready for a healthy relationship. In a way, it's good he revealed this on a first date, because now you know what a MESS you'd be dealing with if you got further involved. When you have your first argument, is he gonna pull the "Oh, you're gonna leave me like every other person in my life," card? Is he gonna pull guilt trips on you?

This is a train wreck waiting to happen. Fall back ASAP.
 
In college I turned down a man who wanted a serious relationship with me because he came from a rough home life. Afterward I wondered if I had been a snob (our backgrounds were so different). But I figure that when you accept a man you have to accept his past/family also. You have to decide for yourself what you can accept.
 
Denise11 said:
I would run if he hasn't gone to therapy. While he's telling you all of this personal stuff, ask him if he has had any counseling to deal with all of the stuff that has to be going on inside of him. If he's had no counseling I would run.
Click to expand...

Agreed. If he hasnt gotten therapy or some REAL help with these issues then I dont see it as being good.
 
I think everyone deserves a chance at happiness; even those with a not so stellar past. Aside from his "faults", is he a good person now? Does he respect you? Does he know how to talk to you? Is he in a career and/or working toward a career? What are his true dreams and aspirations? These are the kinds of questions you can ask him to see if there is really a chance for the two of you.

If you like him and he likes you, then I wish both of you the best.
 
I've met a of couple guys like the one you're talking about. They approached me first, flirted with me, and I assumed they were interested in me. The next thing you know, they're telling me about their troubled pasts and I start thinking we got something special going on. As soon as they get their problems off their chest, they dump me real quick and I never hear from them again.
I don't mind lending an ear to anyone, but after those experiences I refuse to be someone's therapist for convenience. I would like to take the time to know someone first and after a while- maybe at least 6 months after he believes he can trust me- I wouldn't mind if he shared something personal with me. If I get to know him for who he is first, then I won't be so quick to judge him on his past.
That's been my experience and I don't know the guy you have a crush on, but please be careful. Some people have troubled childhoods but are resilient and can lead fulfulling lives while others just cling to it and refuse to let go. I'd go EXTREMELY slow with him. Be a friend, but keep in mind that no matter what you do you can't change him.
 
Don't walk into this thinking that he can be your project. His issues are bigger than you are equipped to handle and even if you are trained to help with his issues, it is unwise and unsafe to do so within a romantic relationship.

The man needs therapy - years of it, imo - before it's good for him to take on adult relationships. Personally, I believe any dysfunctional relationships he has from this point will only add to his already long list of emotional scars.
 
You should BE AWARE of his past but don't instantly judge him by it. I think that you should be a good friend and really feel him out and make sure he hasn't picked up terrible habits (ex. drugs) from his parents.

Now that i think aout it though, if he is teling you all of this on the first date, that means he must be REALLY hurting about his childhood past that he thnks about it daily, instead of forgiving his parents and moving on with his life and not make the same mistakes. Maybe you shouldnt get nvoved with him... When you get involved with a man with issues like those who hasnt overcome his past, his past can surely hauntyou, And ultimately it will NOT be worth you destructing yourself in the process by trying to "fix" him.

Good luck mami-
 
Don't avoid him, but if you're looking for a happy, healthy relationship he's most likely not the man for you...

Men and women like him are to be applauded if they go through life without hurting themselves and people around them. It's a huge effort for him if he can take care of himself in a good way - without being in a relationship.

Don't try to fix a man or keep a man as a "puppy". A man should be strong and capable, otherwise he'll take out his issues on you sooner or later. JMO.
 
Last edited:
Thank you ladies so much for the honest advice! I am not one of those people to get angry, when I am told something that I may not WANT to hear.

I am grateful that you are telling me what I NEED to hear.

In many parts of his life he is quite stable. He has a college degree and no one else in his family has achieved that. He has been to many different parts of the world. I was telling him that he should be super proud of himself, but I think he was too stuck on being ashamed of others.

He loves his sisters to death! He tells me that all of the time. Siblings get really close when they are forced to raise themselves. We are still in the getting to know you phase so some information I am missing, but his mom is not in his life. When he speaks of his "mom", I believe that he is talking about his adoptive mother.

I do not want to play Ms. Fix-it. But I believe that he and I were brought into each others lives for a reason. I was not saying that we should be together simply because we have major issues! That must have come out totally wrong. I was trying to say that we might be able to understand each other better in that arena, because we share similar problems. Whereas a person from a more traditional home life might have difficulties empathizing with the situation.

I would need a huge LHCF lashing if I was trying to do that!!!

OK, I need to get dressed for work, but I'll be back, LOL!
 
1. Internally set your boundaries as to what you'll tolerate or won't
2. Focus more on cultivating a trusting friendship bond. You two will need more than romance to keep the relationship going.
3. NEVER through the information he provided you into his face; and don't except that from him.
4. Don't allow him to use his past as a crutch.
5. Keep supporting friends for your sake.
 
oh lord...i had an ex like this and all i can say is u wont know how stable he is til that first fight. he will either flip out hard core or it will be a disagreement like any other...i was about 3 months in b4 i saw this dudes true colors and man it was a mess. total loss of self control, screaming yelling, just over the top antics and all over a lost piece of paper.
 
Ivonnovi said:
1. Internally set your boundaries as to what you'll tolerate or won't
2. Focus more on cultivating a trusting friendship bond. You two will need more than romance to keep the relationship going.
3. NEVER through the information he provided you into his face; and don't except that from him.
4. Don't allow him to use his past as a crutch.
5. Keep supporting friends for your sake.
Click to expand...

This sums it up for me. Great post!
 
chokolate miss said:
So I have a new crush...as usual...I need to stop this!But while we were out this weekend he revealed a lot of things to me.

His mom was on drugs.
He was born addicted to drugs.
He has been homeless and slept in cars as a child.
His mother's family denies/has disowned them.
His father abandoned them.
He has been in and out of foster homes.

There is a lot more as well. But I am wondering can we "hold a person's past against them"?

Like take myself for instance, I do not have a good relationship with my mother. People always say that a man should have a great relationship with his mother and that is how you know the way he will treat you. However, knowing my history with my mother, can I even judge.

I think that I am attracted to damaged men...lost puppies so to speak...but can he recover? He is in his early twenties, by the way...

Should I avoid him because of his past? Family members tell me that he MUST have issues, but don't we all? Am I making excuses?

What would you do?
Click to expand...

Please RUN...do not walk to the nearest EXIT. RUN!!!!!!











ETA: I'm sorry... I feel badly for people's pasts too, but there has to be a limit. Did you grow up in a similar unfortunate environment when you were younger?? If your childhood was even remotely "normal" I would encourage you to leave this guy alone. He may make a good friend, but I don't think he would make a good bf for YOU.

I'm not trying to judge...and I wouldn't want anyone to judge me solely on my past childhood experiences, but I've just seen way too many instances where women get with these "wounded" men and end up miserable. I've seen first-hand from my mother's experience what being married to a man who is "wounded" and had a bad childhood has done for her. :nono: Romantic relationships are hard enough for two people who had pretty good childhoods, so when you add in someone who has seen nothing but trouble in his life, the odds aren't too great. :( I'm sorry, but your childhood DOES affect who you are as a person.

Just the "born addicted to drugs" part did it for me. :nono:

I'm sorry.... :ohwell:
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

Ivonnovi
Becoming (like)the person you hate most. MJ related!
Replies
12
Views
264
Ivonnovi
Ivonnovi
Bubblingbrownshuga
Damaged goods???
Replies
10
Views
290
ladysaraii
ladysaraii
NaturalPath
My BF is Nigerian, and....
2 3 4
Replies
117
Views
6K
lollyoo
L
S
Can finacnes ruin a relationship?
2
Replies
37
Views
747
OrangeMoon
O
straightlovely
Letting Go of the Past
Replies
9
Views
286
Crystalicequeen123
Crystalicequeen123
Back
Top