He's Damaged...

[Farida]

If you decide to stay with him, take it extremely slow.

People may be born and grow up in terrible situations and come out of it incredible men. That's the minority though.

I would encourage him to go to therapy.

Keep your eyes wide open around him. See his ideas about life, love and family.

My DH came from a colorful past...it looks colorless as day compared to your dude. He did go through the military and have strong mentors that shaped him into the man he is today.

I worry that your dude hasn't had strong men in his life to shape him, and people to nurture and heal him.

I would be friends with him for a while before I even consider anything with him, if at all.

 

[Nayna]

I think it's excellent that despite hardship he took his butt to school and finished college. He sounds like someone that's trying to overcome a difficult past. You're definitely not walking into this with rose colored glasses on but definitely be alert. Guys that like to throw out that they wear their heart on their sleeves and all that definitely make me cautious. I dunno men are protective generally especially those that have been hurt so statements like that always make me wary.

But good luck, in time you will see his purpose in your life.

 

[chokolate miss]

So after reading all of your responses, I have confirmed what I already knew that I was going to do.

I am going to keep him as a FRIEND...for now. I think in general I tend to rush into relationships. So I absolutely have been reminded that I need to go slow, especially with him.

My past is not as hard as his was per se, but it equally took a heavy toll on me. My father used to be a hard core drug user. He is now clean and sober, but he was one evil SOB back in the day. My mother was abused by my father. He, however, adored me. That killed her. So she knew that the only thing that she could do to hurt him was to hurt me. And she did mentally, physically and emotionally-mainly mentally and emotionally though.

She physically abused my brothers as well. Through all of this I love her, but my mother is not sane or stable (even though she was never diagnosed, she is quite diagnosable). I am happy that we are alive, but some women should not have children. She has no maternal instinct.

I witnessed a lot of violence in that household. The police were there constantly. I do not feel sorry for myself and I usually do not tell people about my past. I always believe that they are thinking "you want a cookie?" LOL

I know this is the relationship forum, but I am giving some background on myself. I'm hoping that as I type this I can find some insight about why I choose the men that I do and accept what I accept in relationships. Maybe he and I are both lost causes...

 

[chokolate miss]

Please RUN...do not walk to the nearest EXIT. RUN!!!!!!











ETA: I'm sorry... I feel badly for people's pasts too, but there has to be a limit. Did you grow up in a similar unfortunate environment when you were younger?? If your childhood was even remotely "normal" I would encourage you to leave this guy alone. He may make a good friend, but I don't think he would make a good bf for YOU.

I'm not trying to judge...and I wouldn't want anyone to judge me solely on my past childhood experiences, but I've just seen way too many instances where women get with these "wounded" men and end up miserable. I've seen first-hand from my mother's experience what being married to a man who is "wounded" and had a bad childhood has done for her. Romantic relationships are hard enough for two people who had pretty good childhoods, so when you add in someone who has seen nothing but trouble in his life, the odds aren't too great. I'm sorry, but your childhood DOES affect who you are as a person.

Just the "born addicted to drugs" part did it for me.

I'm sorry....

What I meant, is that he is what they call a "crack baby", not that he is addicted to drugs himself. I don't know if that is what you thought I was trying to state . I can confuse people sometimes, LOL!

 

[Denise11]

What I meant, is that he is what they call a "crack baby", not that he is addicted to drugs himself. I don't know if that is what you thought I was trying to state . I can confuse people sometimes, LOL!

Crack babies ARE born addicted to drugs. That's why they cry so much.
Their bodies go through withdrawal, and the symptoms are so intense. Its painful to them.

Crack babies many times are born with mental and other helth problems from their bodies being introduced to drugs so early in life.

 

[StrongWomanNYC]

So after reading all of your responses, I have confirmed what I already knew that I was going to do.

I am going to keep him as a FRIEND...for now. I think in general I tend to rush into relationships. So I absolutely have been reminded that I need to go slow, especially with him.

My past is not as hard as his was per se, but it equally took a heavy toll on me. My father used to be a hard core drug user. He is now clean and sober, but he was one evil SOB back in the day. My mother was abused by my father. He, however, adored me. That killed her. So she knew that the only thing that she could do to hurt him was to hurt me. And she did mentally, physically and emotionally-mainly mentally and emotionally though.

She physically abused my brothers as well. Through all of this I love her, but my mother is not sane or stable (even though she was never diagnosed, she is quite diagnosable). I am happy that we are alive, but some women should not have children. She has no maternal instinct.

I witnessed a lot of violence in that household. The police were there constantly. I do not feel sorry for myself and I usually do not tell people about my past. I always believe that they are thinking "you want a cookie?" LOL

I know this is the relationship forum, but I am giving some background on myself. I'm hoping that as I type this I can find some insight about why I choose the men that I do and accept what I accept in relationships. Maybe he and I are both lost causes...

No girl your not a lost cause. You can control YOUR OWN destiny and make wise choices and show your mom, that she could never break you! And always surround yourself with positive, loving people and focus on you!

 

[Farida]

You are not a lost cause. You become a lost cause when you CHOOSE to be one.

 

[msa]

So I have a new crush...as usual...I need to stop this!But while we were out this weekend he revealed a lot of things to me.

His mom was on drugs.
He was born addicted to drugs.
He has been homeless and slept in cars as a child.
His mother's family denies/has disowned them.
His father abandoned them.
He has been in and out of foster homes.

There is a lot more as well. But I am wondering can we "hold a person's past against them"?

The bold are all things that I have lived. And I'm 23.

No, you can't hold his past against him. You should take things slowly, get to know him as a friend, and see where things go. Just like you would do with anyone else.


ETA: Now that I've gone back to read the responses. WOW. I'm just SMH. You all have confirmed for me the worst fears I've always had. I'm not worthy to have a happy, healthy relationship because I was a crack baby? because I was abused? because my parents were unfit? because I lived in a foster home?

I'm just...I don't know. That's a whole lot of judgment. Run! Kick Rocks! Do not pass go! if you see me coming? Wow.

 

[ebonylocs]

OP, I think you left out the most important bit of information in your initial post. WHO IS HE NOW? That's all that matters. Some people are able to heal wounds from their past, and others are not.

Is he a good guy? Does he manage his emotions well? Is he capable of a healthy relationship, i.e. one without excessive insecurity, drama, conflict, jealousy, etc? Does he appear aware of the fact that he (and not his parents, his upbringing, etc) defines himself? Does he have goals and ambitions for the future, and a track record of achieving them in the past?

I do not believe in labelling people as "damaged". It sounds like they are objects or goods, rather that active subjects in their lives.

Only you can tell if this guy is more than you're prepared to deal with. But that must be based on who he is, and not the circumstances of his past. To find out who he is, you will need to get to know him well, and *take your time.*

 

[Nayna]

The bold are all things that I have lived. And I'm 23.

No, you can't hold his past against him. You should take things slowly, get to know him as a friend, and see where things go. Just like you would do with anyone else.


ETA: Now that I've gone back to read the responses. WOW. I'm just SMH. You all have confirmed for me the worst fears I've always had. I'm not worthy to have a happy, healthy relationship because I was a crack baby? because I was abused? because my parents were unfit? because I lived in a foster home?

I'm just...I don't know. That's a whole lot of judgment. Run! Kick Rocks! Do not pass go! if you see me coming? Wow.

I think ur worthy. I think sometimes people forget that we all come from diverse backgrounds on this forum. Maybe they haven't been exposed to people that have had it harder. Or just don't understand that type of life. I do, and I know that it doesn't make u any less of a person, or any less deserving.

 

[Bunny77]

The bold are all things that I have lived. And I'm 23.

No, you can't hold his past against him. You should take things slowly, get to know him as a friend, and see where things go. Just like you would do with anyone else.


ETA: Now that I've gone back to read the responses. WOW. I'm just SMH. You all have confirmed for me the worst fears I've always had. I'm not worthy to have a happy, healthy relationship because I was a crack baby? because I was abused? because my parents were unfit? because I lived in a foster home?

I'm just...I don't know. That's a whole lot of judgment. Run! Kick Rocks! Do not pass go! if you see me coming? Wow.

You know, we all have our "hit dog" issues that I'm sure cause us to be quite sensitive when we hear others discussing it (whether it be weight, single motherhood, etc.). I know I have them too.

But I would kindly suggest that you read the posts without taking them to heart... the issue is NOT totally this guy's past. The reason most people are advising the OP to step back is because he is showing that he's not over his issues and the OP seemed to be trying to play a rescue role with this guy, to some degree.

That's not the basis for a healthy relationship.

If the man is saying on the first date that everyone abandons him and asks her if she's a heartbreaker or too good for him, those are all signs that this person is still troubled. The OP didn't say anything about whether this guy has gone to therapy or whether he's working out his issues. All of those things would be needed for the two of them to pursue a healthy relationship (and she could benefit from it herself).

Advice based on those factors is a LOT different from how you're interpreting it. It is not the OP's role to be his savior or to suffer from his unaddressed issues.

I would advise the same thing if the issues were less troubling... if someone's issues are running the relationship and the person with the issues is not actively seeking help for them, it is not a healthy situation to be in.

 

[PretteePlease]

You all have confirmed for me the worst fears I've always had.

thats a sweeping statement All have not said run because of his past
I said i was in a similar situation and when he didn't want to get
help with his past interrupting our present and making me question
a future I left. And only because he was in denial and didn't want
help. All especially you are worthy of love and happiness. You just
have to be aware that you past can cause problems in relationships.
It might not. But if it does be open to helping yourself by letting others
help you.

 

[msa]

You know, we all have our "hit dog" issues that I'm sure cause us to be quite sensitive when we hear others discussing it (whether it be weight, single motherhood, etc.). I know I have them too.

But I would kindly suggest that you read the posts without taking them to heart... the issue is NOT totally this guy's past. The reason most people are advising the OP to step back is because he is showing that he's not over his issues and the OP seemed to be trying to play a rescue role with this guy, to some degree.

That's not the basis for a healthy relationship.

I understand what you're saying but the following posts appeared to be based totally on his past.

RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN Forest!

He has a LOT to overcome. Not impossible to do but...

Don't avoid him, but if you're looking for a happy, healthy relationship he's most likely not the man for you...

Men and women like him are to be applauded if they go through life without hurting themselves and people around them. It's a huge effort for him if he can take care of himself in a good way - without being in a relationship.

Don't try to fix a man or keep a man as a "puppy". A man should be strong and capable, otherwise he'll take out his issues on you sooner or later. JMO.

Please RUN...do not walk to the nearest EXIT. RUN!!!!!!

ETA: I'm sorry... I feel badly for people's pasts too, but there has to be a limit. Did you grow up in a similar unfortunate environment when you were younger?? If your childhood was even remotely "normal" I would encourage you to leave this guy alone. He may make a good friend, but I don't think he would make a good bf for YOU.

I'm not trying to judge...and I wouldn't want anyone to judge me solely on my past childhood experiences, but I've just seen way too many instances where women get with these "wounded" men and end up miserable. I've seen first-hand from my mother's experience what being married to a man who is "wounded" and had a bad childhood has done for her. Romantic relationships are hard enough for two people who had pretty good childhoods, so when you add in someone who has seen nothing but trouble in his life, the odds aren't too great. I'm sorry, but your childhood DOES affect who you are as a person.

Just the "born addicted to drugs" part did it for me.

I'm sorry....

RUN, RUN, RUN...DO NOT PASS GO..KICK ROCKS AND GO !!!!!!!!!

Advice based on those factors is a LOT different from how you're interpreting it. It is not the OP's role to be his savior or to suffer from his unaddressed issues.

I'm interpreting things the way they were written. I'm not saying everyone said those things or had that tone. But people were implying that specifically because of his past experiences she shouldn't date him. Not because he may have low self-esteem or whatever else.

 

[jamaicalovely]

So I have a new crush...as usual...I need to stop this!But while we were out this weekend he revealed a lot of things to me.

His mom was on drugs.
He was born addicted to drugs.
He has been homeless and slept in cars as a child.
His mother's family denies/has disowned them.
His father abandoned them.
He has been in and out of foster homes.

There is a lot more as well. But I am wondering can we "hold a person's past against them"?

Like take myself for instance, I do not have a good relationship with my mother. People always say that a man should have a great relationship with his mother and that is how you know the way he will treat you. However, knowing my history with my mother, can I even judge.

I think that I am attracted to damaged men...lost puppies so to speak...but can he recover? He is in his early twenties, by the way...

Should I avoid him because of his past? Family members tell me that he MUST have issues, but don't we all? Am I making excuses?

What would you do?

RUN....FAST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My DH is a victim of this and it will be stressful to deal with.

Please don't do it.

 

[FlowerHair]

The bold are all things that I have lived. And I'm 23.

No, you can't hold his past against him. You should take things slowly, get to know him as a friend, and see where things go. Just like you would do with anyone else.


ETA: Now that I've gone back to read the responses. WOW. I'm just SMH. You all have confirmed for me the worst fears I've always had. I'm not worthy to have a happy, healthy relationship because I was a crack baby? because I was abused? because my parents were unfit? because I lived in a foster home?

I'm just...I don't know. That's a whole lot of judgment. Run! Kick Rocks! Do not pass go! if you see me coming? Wow.

First of all

Second: I never said he wasn't worthy of a good life.
What I meant was that it is very difficult for him to have a good relationship when he's not healthy on the inside.

That goes for everyone, but with a background like that you are likely to have some things to work through before you can mix your life with someone else's in a positive way.

We all have issues. Trust me on this... We just have to get ourselves to that point where we can function well with a man/woman. It doesn't happen overnight if you have a troubled background.

23 is still very, very young. At 23 you're still influenced by your childhood - a lot. Especially a man, since men mature much slower than us. (I know 23 doesn't seem young when you are 23, but at my age it's more or less a tall child LOL!)

We are all worthy of the absolute best that we can imagine, that's my opinion.

Relationships are difficult for most of us, but they shouldn't start out with lots of drama. Real love doesn't hurt.

 

[BroadstreetBully]

I agree that you can't hold his past against him if he is a stable, good person now. However...this part is what made me unsure...

He has said things about how I may be "too good for him". I don't want to quit so easily, because I think he expects people in his life to abandon him. But then again, I don't want to stick around just to prove a point.

He has asked me several times if I'm "a heartbreaker". I'm like "what does that mean"? He says that he wears his heart on his sleeve and he does not want me to "play him".

That right there is a red flag regardless of his past. I'm also concerned because you said you tend to be attracted to 'damaged' men. I was once that way, it's not good.

I'm going to share my personal story of a guy I dated like this...

-His family was part of a cult when he was younger (Children Of God)
-Mother was physically abusive
-Father was physically abusive
-Mother eventually died when he was about 8, he told me his parents were dead, but it's actually just his mother, he considers his father dead because he hates his father and stays far away from him.
-He spend time in Juvenile Detention, but wouldn't tell me why

Mind you he was very intelligent, on his way to getting his Ph.D, trilingual, wrote beautiful poetry, VERY romantic, etc... The type of guy a girl could only dream of having. So I gave him a chance.

Well lo and behold he dumped me OUT OF NOWHERE! He said that he still had issues to work out and didn't want to hurt me in the process. So yes, the guy can start off as that sweet, tortured soul, but if he hasn't gotten some help...RUN or just take it VERY slow! I tried to be that loving, understanding person, but he had some internal issues to work out. Oh and he ended up not getting counseling. He just started dating a girl a week later. The girl he is 'dating' now just caught it because he moved out of state for school and dumped her once he got there.

If you do decide to go for it in the future, take it very very slow. Keep in mind that it's not unheard of for men like that to up and leave once they get 'straight'. It's not because they are dogs, but they feel like a new person and will seek out someone who doesn't know their past. That's EXACTLY what my ex did. He even told me that he wouldn't tell his future girls about his past.

Good luck in all of this!

 

[Browntem]

I think she said it best!

 

[Nonie]

OP, you just described one of my former best friends. Only difference is I didn't know any of this at all until just a few months ago when I happened to see an article of him online. But he was one of the nicest people I ever knew and none of his past seemed to have left a negative mark on him. He was in university with me and such a good role model. He was the epitome of getting up, dusting yourself off and reaching for the stars.

 

[chokolate miss]

Thanks again for the responses. I do not describe people as "damaged" typically, but I could not think of another title to the post...

I think that he is going to have a good future, despite his past. We are supposed to hang out this evening. So hopefully that will go well.

To msa, as others have said to me you are NOT unworthy. I think that some of the responses were due to some of the other things that I have said about him. You deserve to have a good person in your life, so does he, and so do I.

If you read a few posts back you will see that I have quite a history too. We all have a past. Some pasts are simply more detailed, shall we say!

We have to work on getting past these issues. I cannot speak for you, but I know that he and I do not always feel that we deserve good things to happen to us. People who have never been through anything will tell you that you just need better self-esteem. It has NOTHING to do with self-esteem. If you have been hurt and disadvantaged your entire life. It takes a lot of work on yourself to understand that you can have the best life possible.

I am trying to take things day by day-with the "relationship" and with myself.

 

[joib]

I know a man with a similar past. He is now 36 years old (with a job), married for 8 years, and has a beautiful little girl with his wife. Happy story- NOT. He drink from sun up to sun down and cheats on his wife with EVERYONE. Just be careful.

 

[chokolate miss]

You ladies were right...he is a complete and total flake

I do not even think that we will be able to develop a friendship. He claims that he is a man of his word and never lies. However, he has made promises to me and broken them two days in a row.

They were no big deal, but why volunteer when he had no intention of keeping his word? That is something about men that I have never understood.

It is not as if I wanted anything serious. I thought that I had made it clear to him that I wanted to be "friends". I do not think he is capable. I am disappointed. Oh well, moving on...

 

[january noir]

^^^Sorry this guy didn't prove forreal. NEXT!

 

[BroadstreetBully]

NEXT! His loss.