He's cheated on her 8 times in the past 2 months. She stays.

[vivEz daNs lamouR]

This is why I don't like to hear my friends' problems at times. I take them on as my own and then it consumes me.

My best friend, who I've known since we were LITERALLY 2 years old, has been in quite possibly, the most dysfunctional relationship known to mankind.

They've been together for 4 years, and apparently he just proposed to her on Christmas. But he's younger than us, (she's 22, he's...I want to say 20).

For the first 2 years or so that they were together, he gave her Chlymidia and got her pregnant TWICE (which resulted in two abortions, literally not even 6 months apart).

Then they break up to make up roughly every.... month, to two months. She'll call hysterical crying because he keeps calling her to dump her, and then she goes and begs him to take her back and he does.

His family doesn't like her. His mother once told him "You shouldn't be with her. You should go out into the world, sleep around, have fun, don't get tied down so young so quickly with her." So that's what he did.

Well, recently, he told her that he's cheated on her 8 times in the past 2 months. What does she do?

She needs time to figure out what she wants to do. Apparently, she cheated on him once a few months back with someone, and she feels that if she had been there for him more, he wouldn't have strayed.

Damn that, a cheater is an f'n cheater. I've told her that she deserves better, I've said literally every thing I can possibly say about this relationship, it's like talking to someone who has tunnel vision.

They're also NOTHING alike. He smokes AND drinks (And by drinking, I don't mean a social drinker. He came to my house one time with 2 40s of Budweiser and downed them himself. He also had the audacity to come to a dinner party I had had one time, and asked me if he could step outside to smoke. I said sure, WOULD YOU BELIEVE I WALKED OUTSIDE AND HE WAS SMOKING BUD?!). She actually failed out of her first semester of college because of this ****, and now as a result when she SHOULD be graduating, she's behind by 2.5 years.

What do you say in this scenario? I'd like to be there for her but this is SO draining and frankly, quite pathetic.

 

[Keen]

Wow, I don't know what to say. Maybe if you can convince her to delay the wedding until after she is done with school, that will buy her sometimes to come to her senses.

 

[Sly]

What do you say in this scenario?

Nothing. I'd create space between she and I.
My pressure went up just reading that non-sense.

 

[envybeauty]

They both deserve better.

She deserves someone who loves her.

He deserves someone with a backbone who will put her foot down when he acts out.

I see no respect for either one. If he can just walk all over her, then she is partly to blame. I can see why his family does not take to her. I wouldn't either.

 

[Odontyouwish]

8 though
as in 1 more than 7
Oh Lord, be a fence

 

[vivEz daNs lamouR]

Yes. 8 times. He didn't even actually TELL her.

She checked his MySpace, found a note from ol' girl, asked him about it, and after unsuccessful attempts at lying, told her the truth.

 

[Odontyouwish]

so 8 times with the same person
or 8 different situations?

 

[MzLady78]

Nothing. I'd create space between she and I.
My pressure went up just reading that non-sense.

Pretty much.

I don't know if it's cause I'm older now, but my patience for people who are in clearly dysfunctional situations and choose to remain in them is low.

I have my own life, my own issues- I'm not trying to take on anybody else's shyt.

She knows he's garbage and she wants to stay with him. Let her.

But I'd be very clear that I don't want to hear shyt about it.

 

[sunshinebeautiful]

I didn't even read the whole thing.

I would kindly suggest that she see a therapist. What I read don't make no sense and there's no way you can be a whole, happy, well-adjusted individual with all of that mess going on.

 

[sunshinebeautiful]

And she need NOT get married.

I would boycott the wedding if I had to.

 

[vivEz daNs lamouR]

so 8 times with the same person
or 8 different situations?

8 times with the same person.

 

[LostInAdream]

I take them on as my own and then it consumes me.

That sounds just like me a while ago, but I've learned that only makes the situation worse bc its not your problem. All you can do is be there for her bc she is your friend but let her know that if she wont take your advice don't keep calling you with the same BS.

 

[vivEz daNs lamouR]

Pretty much.

I don't know if it's cause I'm older now, but my patience for people who are clearly dysfunctional situation and choose to remain in them is low.

I have my own life, my own issues- I'm not trying to take on anybody else's shyt.

She knows he's garbage and she wants to stay with him. Let her.

But I'd be very clear that I don't want to hear shyt about it.

That's EXACTLY how I feel.

I feel like this is so old and tiresome and honestly not surprising. If at this stage of your life, you still feel this is the best you can get, then leave me alone about it.

I've said this once before when she got pregnant twice after stupidly choosing not to use a condom, and we got into a huge blowup where she accused me of being insensitive to her needing a friend.

I said abortions aren't forms of contraception.

 

[MzLady78]

That's EXACTLY how I feel.

I feel like this is so old and tiresome and honestly not surprising. If at this stage of your life, you still feel this is the best you can get, then leave me alone about it.

I've said this once before when she got pregnant twice after stupidly choosing not to use a condom, and we got into a huge blowup where she accused me of being insensitive to her needing a friend.

I said abortions aren't forms of contraception.

I can't blame you being tired.

In general, I'm sympathetic to the stuff that women go through with men because Lord knows, I've been there (although not in anything close to this situation).

But come on now. Abortions, STDs, cheating. WTF??? I had a friend in pretty much this same situation when I was in college. I was there for her as much as I could be. But when she took up with another dude after that one who hit her, I had to walk to away. People said I was wrong, but there was nothing else I could do. She needed something I couldn't give her-self esteem.

If you can't see after all that this is isn't where you need to be, I'm sure the hell not gonna waste my time trying to convince you.

 

[itismehmmkay]

8 times with the same person.

Ohhhhhhhh. I thought it was 8 times with different people. I was like, damn that's a new girl every week! erplexed

So basically he has a sideline that he's seen every week for the last two months. IDK, I find it weird that they got together when he was 16

And tell her you don't want to hear anymore about the situation unless she's leaving. She needs to get on those books!

 

[Crystal]

I got drained just reading all that.

There's nothing you can do. Women like this, like this kind of messiness. As if being alone or finding something better isn't even a consideration.

Either be a friend and listen and be there for her or be a friend and tell her to do better. Ask her do you think Barack treated Michelle like that? Do you think he gave her std's, knocked her up twice, drank, emotionall abused her and etc? And when she says no, then tell her to leave them JuneBugs, Ro-Ro's, Lil Man's, and J-Dogs alone and go kick it with that nerdy finance major sitting next to her in class that she's ignored all semester and see what he has to offer.

 

[soulie]

And she need NOT get married.

I would boycott the wedding if I had to.

Can her parents get her to transfer to an out of town college? Maybe if she gets away from him she will realize she has options; that she can do so much better by/for herself.

Hopefully it won't come to the point of a wedding. But if it does, and she asks you to be her bridesmaid, I hope you will decline and tell her you can't stand with her when you strongly feel it is the wrong thing for her to do.

 

[vivEz daNs lamouR]

So I decided to text her because I want to tell her that if she decides to take him back, I can't really sit back and just watch drama unfold.

Me: I don't want you to take this the wrong way but have you ever considered seeing a therapist:

Her: Where'd that come from? See a therapist for what?

Me: About this, about a lot of the things that you choose to keep to yourself. You keep talking to him about this situation and to people who know you, maybe talking to someone who isn't quite as invested in your life would be better equipped to help you through this.

Me: Look, I didn't mean any disrespect by it. Quite frankly, the thought of you actually contemplating staying with him despite all of this terrifies me.

Her: I understand your concern but I haven't even made a decision yet.

Me: But that's just it. You haven't made a decision about something that really doesn't need this much contemplating. If you feel that you're going to leave then why do you need time to think of anything? Why even talk to him? He surely doesn't deserve it.

Her: Cuz I don't know what I wanna do.

 

[TLC1020]

OMG.. I have a girlfriend just like that I have known for atleast 10 years.. She's been dealing with this most recent idiot for about 2 years and it's like come on already... When she tell me whats going on I feel sooo drained b/c what he do and she allow is a damn shame . Sometimes when I don't want to hear it I just say let me call you back later or I would put the phone down while she is telling me what's going on . She seems to always find idiots and fall in love with them and she wonder why she is so bitter and jaded ...

 

[Crackers Phinn]

What do you say in this scenario? I'd like to be there for her but this is SO draining and frankly, quite pathetic.

I saw the text and there is nothing you're going to be able to do for her. Don't call her anymore and if she calls you, tell her that you can't listen to one more word about her situation cuz it's too draining. If she catches an attitude tell her bye and hang up.

Sometimes folks gotta find their own way on their own.

 

[Lucky's Mom]

This is why I don't like to hear my friends' problems at times. I take them on as my own and then it consumes me.

My best friend, who I've known since we were LITERALLY 2 years old, has been in quite possibly, the most dysfunctional relationship known to mankind.

They've been together for 4 years, and apparently he just proposed to her on Christmas. But he's younger than us, (she's 22, he's...I want to say 20).

For the first 2 years or so that they were together, he gave her Chlymidia and got her pregnant TWICE (which resulted in two abortions, literally not even 6 months apart).

Then they break up to make up roughly every.... month, to two months. She'll call hysterical crying because he keeps calling her to dump her, and then she goes and begs him to take her back and he does.

His family doesn't like her. His mother once told him "You shouldn't be with her. You should go out into the world, sleep around, have fun, don't get tied down so young so quickly with her." So that's what he did.

Well, recently, he told her that he's cheated on her 8 times in the past 2 months. What does she do?

She needs time to figure out what she wants to do. Apparently, she cheated on him once a few months back with someone, and she feels that if she had been there for him more, he wouldn't have strayed.

Damn that, a cheater is an f'n cheater. I've told her that she deserves better, I've said literally every thing I can possibly say about this relationship, it's like talking to someone who has tunnel vision.

They're also NOTHING alike. He smokes AND drinks (And by drinking, I don't mean a social drinker. He came to my house one time with 2 40s of Budweiser and downed them himself. He also had the audacity to come to a dinner party I had had one time, and asked me if he could step outside to smoke. I said sure, WOULD YOU BELIEVE I WALKED OUTSIDE AND HE WAS SMOKING BUD?!). She actually failed out of her first semester of college because of this ****, and now as a result when she SHOULD be graduating, she's behind by 2.5 years.

What do you say in this scenario? I'd like to be there for her but this is SO draining and frankly, quite pathetic.

Lord.... So - I will presume that your best friend has a big fat ZERO on the self esteem meter......

How tragic. Hopfully she will hit the brick wall before more tragedy takes place....Death, AIDS, STD's, more abortions, or his death.... and her in prison. There really is nothing you can do for her.

why would she even think of being with this loser???

You will have to risk your friendship.

"Enemy mulitplies kisses, but wounds from a freind can be trusted."

You need to tell her to dump him. If she says "yea, But" - then hang up, and say your goodbyes in your heart to your freind.

 

[Lucky's Mom]

I didn't even read the whole thing.

I would kindly suggest that she see a therapist. What I read don't make no sense and there's no way you can be a whole, happy, well-adjusted individual with all of that mess going on.

YES. Something is WRONG... two abortions? Cheating????

Something is WRONG.

 

[Lucky's Mom]

That's EXACTLY how I feel.

I feel like this is so old and tiresome and honestly not surprising. If at this stage of your life, you still feel this is the best you can get, then leave me alone about it.

I've said this once before when she got pregnant twice after stupidly choosing not to use a condom, and we got into a huge blowup where she accused me of being insensitive to her needing a friend.

I said abortions aren't forms of contraception.

Wait a Second. She Blew up on you before?

YOU need to DUMP HER, and you need to be ok with it.

Say your peace, and move on.
She does not get it, clearly! The desert has to be the best place for her now, spiritually speaking.

The Girl needs God. Wow. So sad.

 

[Lucky's Mom]

So I decided to text her because I want to tell her that if she decides to take him back, I can't really sit back and just watch drama unfold.

Me: I don't want you to take this the wrong way but have you ever considered seeing a therapist:

Her: Where'd that come from? See a therapist for what?

Me: About this, about a lot of the things that you choose to keep to yourself. You keep talking to him about this situation and to people who know you, maybe talking to someone who isn't quite as invested in your life would be better equipped to help you through this.

Me: Look, I didn't mean any disrespect by it. Quite frankly, the thought of you actually contemplating staying with him despite all of this terrifies me.

Her: I understand your concern but I haven't even made a decision yet.

Me: But that's just it. You haven't made a decision about something that really doesn't need this much contemplating. If you feel that you're going to leave then why do you need time to think of anything? Why even talk to him? He surely doesn't deserve it.

Her: Cuz I don't know what I wanna do.

WHAT??????
That should be your *DING DING DING* moment!

Hello??? She is not going to listen to you!

There is friendship, and compassion, then there is enabling. Even if you don't know it, your freindship with her is over....

 

[Lebiya]

Experience is the best Teacher. We ALL Learn from experience. Let her learn from her’s. However, I would keep sporadic contact with her and not let it effect my life. I did my part to help, I’m not Jesus Christ. I refuse to carry anyone’s else’s burden, ESPECIALLY in a ridiculous- silly situation as such.

Some people really don’t understand that life is too short, we must honour it.

 

[vivEz daNs lamouR]

Here's the rest of that convo.

Me: Do you remember what you used to say to Jane about staying in her relationship being completely obvlivious to the fact that he's cheating on her and disrespecting her?

Her: Jane and I aren't the same and I have to think before I act.

Me: You're not the same person in retrospect, but these situations are gravely similar. I'm not saying this to hurt your feelings, I'm trying to open your eyes to what's really going on here! I care about you deeply you're like family to me, which is why the fact that you're even entertaining staying with him is so bothersome.

Me: He did not cheat once, he cheated 8 times. If he f---- her without a condom and then had sex with you, he could've potentially put your life in danger. How is it that you don't think you deserve better, with someone who will respect you and who you can respect?

Her: It's not that I don't think I deserve better, but I wasn't better to him.

Me: I want to be there for you but I can't do that if you intend on taking him back. I've turned the other cheek and tried to support you in the past, but I cannot, not this time. I want you help you get PAST him, not get past THIS to learn how to be with him again. And something inside of me tells me that you'll take him back.

Me: What you did is IRRELEVANT, he's a man with his own mind and thoughts and if he was that unhappy he should've dumped you instead of cheating on you so many times.

Her: I mean, regardless as my friend you shouldn't even tell me you can't be there for me if I take him back that's not fair. I just need to make this decision. And you telling me all this doesn't help. I get your point but you're not helping.

Me: As your friend I want what's BEST for you. Being with him is not what's best for you.

Her: Only I know what's best for me, and you have to let me see that.

Me: I'm there for you everytime I tell you maybe you need time for yourself, he doesn't deserve you, you could find better. And everytime, every single time, you disregard everything and go back only to get hurt again.

Her: It's not that I refuse anything, but supporting me as a friend and lecturing me are two different things.

Me: I love you, but I can't stand by and watch your hurt yourself again if you choose to allow this boy into your life. I can't support you hurting yourself, I can't support him disrespecting you and getting off scot free. I can't support you blaming yourself, saying that had you been nicer he wouldn't have strayed. I can't support him having NO regards for your feelings in this. And if the tables were turned, I wouldn't want you to continuously let me do this to myself. I'm just sorry you can't see that.

---- NO RESPONSE ----

Well, there you have it folks.

 

[prettypuff1]

This was my friend...
Her man was cheating on her something terrible, bringing home disease, not working and all this other trash... and she was gonna marry this fool... I spent the better part of 5 years talking her out of the marriage


In hind sight, I would do it again. I would want someone to talk me out of making the worst decision of her life. It was tough but it did it.

Just make sure u dont spend any money on a bridesmaid dress and wedding shower/bachelorette party. I got a $150 bridesmaid dress if anybody wants it


ETA- I was prepared to make a scene at the wedding... Standing up during that portion of the ceremony and naming dates and reasons why, and i had two other people prepared to do the same thing... Whats the worst that can happen, she will stop talking to you... Once she is married you can't do anything else for her anyways. After reading the exchange she had with you, that may be the only thing to scare her. She is gonna regret it if she marries this dude..


I will say it again," low self-esteem will get you everytime"

 

[vivEz daNs lamouR]

This was my friend...
Her man was cheating on her something terrible, bringing home disease, not working and all this other trash... and she was gonna marry this fool... I spent the better part of 5 years talking her out of the marriage


In hind sight, I would do it again. I would want someone to talk me out of making the worst decision of her life. It was tough but it did it.

Just make sure u dont spend any money on a bridesmaid dress and wedding shower/bachelorette party. I got a $150 bridesmaid dress if anybody wants it

But when does enough become enough?

I've been talking to her for the last 4 years about this. I don't have it in me anymore to deal with this or watch her do this to herself.

 

[TayMac]

I would tell her the real deal once more about how this guy is no good and then distance myself. There is too much negativity going on with them. I got enough going on without being bogged down with other people's mess. Tell her when has cut him loose for GOOD and she is ready to be a friend again to give you a call. The STD would have been it and thank goodness it is easily curable.

You can't help people that don't want it.

ETA: I just read the text convo. She is in denial. There's nothing you can do. At this point, the friendship is uneven. She got so much junk going on, she can't be a friend to you but you are spending your time and emotions on her mess.

 

[firecracker]

He sounds wonderful and has a golden rod. Leave her and The King alone!