Help Please.. Uncontrollable Cousin

[jamaicasmodona]

So, I have a cousin who doesn't seem to know how to keep her distance..

The problem is, every time the family has a get together, we all pretty much hang out in our little section. While we're all talking and catching up on things, she likes to rub on my DH arms and says how strong and muscular he is.. It use to be funny to me before, but now it seems as if its getting out of control.. No, let me rephrase that, it wasn't funny to me, but being that it happens almost every time we're all together, it's starting to become a problem.

The last straw was yesterday. We had a bday party/going to college party for my cousin. We were all hanging out in front of the house talking when my DH came. We had gotten into an argument earlier in the day and didn't really speak much throughout the party. When we finally were alone, we started talking over our issues until my cousin came. She starts talking to us, and then she's rubbing on his arms and saying how she wished she had a strong man like him.. I was a bit pissed off, especially at the fact that she saw us speaking and insisted to intrude anyway.

I got upset and I assume she seen that because she immediately excused herself. After that, I got mad at my DH for allowing her to ALWAYS do that, but then I thought about it and said to myself, why should he do it and she's my family.

My question is, how do I approach her without being too b****y?
For thought... cuzzo and I use to be close and at one point, she got me a job at a store where she managed. Her sister and I are BEST FRIENDS basically, but she does have a tendency to push up on other peoples man.

Help please...

 

[missjones]

I think you were right by asking why does he let her touch on him.

 

[blackmaven]

Pull your cuz to the side and tell her to stop rubbing on your man. Tell her paws off you donn't like it.

 

[TayMac]

Just tell her in private. There's really no way to be super nice about and beat around the bush. How old is she? Is she single? Either way she should know it's not appropriate.

Do others notice?

 

[sunshinelady]

How old is she?

 

[Freespirit02]

oh girlll... Okay first off, you need to pull her aside and ask her why is she always flirting with your man and would she like if you were on her man like that. If she wants to act all innocent..tell her you know how she rolls..and she needs to step off! I think your man should pull his arm away the next she is on him..he doesn't have to be nasty..but let her know that her physical contact isn't needed.

 

[mscocoface]

It looks like she got the hint when you made it clear to her during your conversation with your hubby.

I think you can manage that again with just you and you cuz if you choose to. I am not sure if you want to do that before you see her doing it again. The reason I say this is that you may get the stupid response I what am I doing, I am doing nothing like that.

Where as if you are together in a family setting or event and she does it you can stop her dead in her tracks and say, I would appreciate in the future that during family settings or any other time you no longer come up to my husband touch him and make the comments about you wishing you had a strong man like him.

It is difficult to deny when you are in the act of doing it. Also, you are more than welcome to add any other comments while you are letting her know that this is not okay with you.


Hoping it works out for you and that the issue between you and hubby is resolved.


That is just one way you can handle it.

 

[*~*Afrolicious*~*]

I would tell her on the spot to stop touching him. People in my family are direct

 

[Farida]

Your husband needs to tell her to back off. If only you do it, it appears to her that he wants to be touched by her, you're the one who is preventing it. In which case she will be rubbing against him where you can't see them.

Tell your man to tell her to back off, then you tell her to back off. There is no polite way of doing such things.

 

[kayte]

I would tell her on the spot to stop touching him. People in my family are direct

ditto..tell her to cut it out...or she WILL keep doing it ...

After that, I got mad at my DH for allowing her to ALWAYS do that

,
and I don't blame you for being perturbed that
dh doesn't give a clear message as well..about
touching....like moving his arm away...and giving her the stink eye...
like wth....are...you doing
but that's men for you

For thought... cuzzo and I use to be close and at one point, she got me a job at a store where she managed

What thought?
and this entitles her to disrespect you and touch your husband
with impunity..because she once got you a job??????...

My question is, how do I approach her without being too b****y?

she dint care about YOUR feelings...
be blunt..not to retaliate but to make sure it doesnt happen again
and for her to be crystal clear...not to EVER try that nonsense..again

 

[envybeauty]

If his cousin was rubbing your back constantly, would you expect DH to talk to his cousin or would that responsibility lie with you?

I believe it is your job to talk to your family about your (as in you and your dh) boundaries.

 

[jamaicasmodona]

Thank you ladies for your advice on this.. Just so you know, I called my cousin and told her that I was a bit annoyed with her always touching DH when we have a gathering. Her reply at first was that she didn't mean anything by it and it wouldn't happen again.

But, later on, she texts me and is like she doesn't want my man.. I called her back immediately and told her I never stated that you did want him, but I'm just not comfortable, or I'm annoyed that you do it all the time!

I have already gotten 2 calls from her sisters asking what happen. She's saying that I think she wants him.. UGH.

As far as DH, I got into it with him because we have spoken about what she does before and I told him I didn't like it and yes, he should have moved his hand or something. We're still dealing with that now because he feels it's my job to address my family. Understandable, but I'm like if I told YOU I didn't like when she touched you, YOUR job should have been to MOVE. Right?

Any how, to answer most questions, she is 30yrs old, and has an 11yr old son. She dates promiscuously. Not sure if she has a mane guy right now.

I have decided that I don't want to go through this anymore and will just let her be. I said what I said and I will now cut her off.. I knew she would have took it to another level, which is why I was trying to avoid saying anything, but, I had to. She needed to know.

 

[JustKiya]

Urm.

I would be all OVER my DH. I'm sorry - but he is allowing this woman to paw all over him. WTF? He is just as responsible as I am for establishing and enforcing the boundaries of our relationship, and if my message isn't getting through to HER, I expect him to establish personal space and tell her to back the hell off of him.

I'm sorry, but the first time he let her rub all over his muscles and just stood there with a pooeating grin on his face, I would have been up in HIS ****. Does he not have the ability to move? Does he not have a face to make disgusted expressions with? Does he not have a voice to tell some chick to raise up off of him? Does he not have hands to remove her paws from him?

I wouldn't even have SAID anything to my cousin, in fact. I would have simply asked DH to make it very clear to her that her touching/rubbing on him was disrespectful, rude, and kinda trashy, and out of respect for his relationship with you, he would greatly appreciate it if she never touched him again.

WTF?

 

[TayMac]

Good point JustKiya. I think it might have went over better OP if your DH had put her in her place as you asked. Nobody can touch on me without MY consent.

 

[envybeauty]

Thank you ladies for your advice on this.. Just so you know, I called my cousin and told her that I was a bit annoyed with her always touching DH when we have a gathering. Her reply at first was that she didn't mean anything by it and it wouldn't happen again.

But, later on, she texts me and is like she doesn't want my man.. I called her back immediately and told her I never stated that you did want him, but I'm just not comfortable, or I'm annoyed that you do it all the time!

I have already gotten 2 calls from her sisters asking what happen. She's saying that I think she wants him.. UGH.

As far as DH, I got into it with him because we have spoken about what she does before and I told him I didn't like it and yes, he should have moved his hand or something. We're still dealing with that now because he feels it's my job to address my family. Understandable, but I'm like if I told YOU I didn't like when she touched you, YOUR job should have been to MOVE. Right?

Any how, to answer most questions, she is 30yrs old, and has an 11yr old son. She dates promiscuously. Not sure if she has a mane guy right now.

I have decided that I don't want to go through this anymore and will just let her be. I said what I said and I will now cut her off.. I knew she would have took it to another level, which is why I was trying to avoid saying anything, but, I had to. She needed to know.

my thoughts exactly...especially since you were the one more bothered by the touching than him. you spoke to your cousin about it and now the problem should be solved.

as for her wanting him, ignore her. if that's what she trumps it up to fine. she'll back off of him either way and that's what you want.

 

[ThickHair]

You should have spoken up the 1st time it happened. Since you let it go, she thought it was ok.

I think you and your husband need to tell her at the same time.

 

[mscocoface]

Well you have spoken, the dust will settle and I am sure she will be keenly aware of what NOT to do the next time you all are around each other.

Which was the main goal anyway!!

 

[itismehmmkay]

You're going to have to get *****y. If you're in front of family when she does it, tell her to "girl, get off my husband's arms" maybe jokingly, but give her a forreal look.

 

[Bachelorette]

Thank you ladies for your advice on this.. Just so you know, I called my cousin and told her that I was a bit annoyed with her always touching DH when we have a gathering. Her reply at first was that she didn't mean anything by it and it wouldn't happen again.

But, later on, she texts me and is like she doesn't want my man.. I called her back immediately and told her I never stated that you did want him, but I'm just not comfortable, or I'm annoyed that you do it all the time!

Im not surprised by this at all

 

[kweenameena]

OP, please don't let your cousin guilt you into feeling bad for speaking up or make you feel as if you are over-reacting about something. I feel like when people are guilty is when they start doing all they can to "prove" that they're innocent.
If she didn't mean any harm....she would've just said so, stopped the triflin' behavior, and moved on.
That fact that she's dwelling and trying to get everyone on her side makes her seem more suspect.

Puhleease!!!!!

 

[GeorginaSparks]

your hubby should have been the one to tell her not you...

 

[madamdot]

OP, please don't let your cousin guilt you into feeling bad for speaking up or make you feel as if you are over-reacting about something. I feel like when people are guilty is when they start doing all they can to "prove" that they're innocent.
If she didn't mean any harm....she would've just said so, stopped the triflin' behavior, and moved on.
That fact that she's dwelling and trying to get everyone on her side makes her seem more suspect.

Puhleease!!!!!

I agree. It is time for you to get b****y! I believe me, unless she is a child, she knows what she is doing is inappropriate.

 

[jamaicasmodona]

your hubby should have been the one to tell her not you...

Up until now, we are still on that! He knew how I felt about her doing that.. AND he CLAIMS it made him uncomfortable, but when she does it, he doesn't squirm OR make a face.. I told him that I think he likes that attention.

Its f%&#$ up, but I wish he just came out and said he liked it instead of acting like he didn't do anything wrong either.

 

[jada1111]

Delete. You already told her.

 

[jada1111]

your hubby should have been the one to tell her not you...

I somewhat disagree. I think the wife should say something first and if she continues then the husband should check her.

 

[jada1111]

Thank you ladies for your advice on this.. Just so you know, I called my cousin and told her that I was a bit annoyed with her always touching DH when we have a gathering. Her reply at first was that she didn't mean anything by it and it wouldn't happen again.

But, later on, she texts me and is like she doesn't want my man.. I called her back immediately and told her I never stated that you did want him, but I'm just not comfortable, or I'm annoyed that you do it all the time!

I have already gotten 2 calls from her sisters asking what happen. She's saying that I think she wants him.. UGH.

As far as DH, I got into it with him because we have spoken about what she does before and I told him I didn't like it and yes, he should have moved his hand or something. We're still dealing with that now because he feels it's my job to address my family. Understandable, but I'm like if I told YOU I didn't like when she touched you, YOUR job should have been to MOVE. Right?

Any how, to answer most questions, she is 30yrs old, and has an 11yr old son. She dates promiscuously. Not sure if she has a mane guy right now.

I have decided that I don't want to go through this anymore and will just let her be. I said what I said and I will now cut her off.. I knew she would have took it to another level, which is why I was trying to avoid saying anything, but, I had to. She needed to know.

I'm going to defend your husband, because she's YOUR family and YOU should have checked her along time ago for that mess.

He's an outsider and doesn't want to make waves. It's obvious he doesn't care about the cousin, but he doesn't want any problems. Now that you've made it clear to your cousin to knock it off your husband will feel comfortable to put her in her place the next time she gets touchy feely.

There are family members that will test outsiders they're attracted to to see how far they can go. This happened to me with one of my exes. There was this one male relative that would always feel the need to "hug" me all the time. A couple of times while my ex and I would be in the room sleeping he would barge in without knocking. My ex NEVER said anything and I could have been naked. I would bring this to my ex's attention and he wouldn't do anything. Nothing ever happened with that particular male relative, but to this day I feel if my ex would have had the balls to tell his counsin to stop with that mess, then he would have chilled.

 

[jada1111]

Up until now, we are still on that! He knew how I felt about her doing that.. AND he CLAIMS it made him uncomfortable, but when she does it, he doesn't squirm OR make a face.. I told him that I think he likes that attention.

Its f%&#$ up, but I wish he just came out and said he liked it instead of acting like he didn't do anything wrong either.

I believe your husband. You say this seems to happen at get-togethers. If he makes a scene then it can cause problems. I know how he feels, because it happened to me.

He wasn't disrespecting you, your COUSIN was. Whatever anger or resentment you have place the blame squarely on her. She knew she was being disrespectful and if she didn't, she does now.

 

[pinkdot's blog]

I'm getting mad for you because I've been in a situation like this before. LOL and it was with someone really close to me... LOL. Not to add fuel to the fire but I'm just gonna say it...


It looks like she's jealous of you... The other woman wants a man who is taken sometimes because it is a challenge.. They want the married man to feel have some type of feelings for them just like he has for the wife... even it takes trying to flirt and subliminally send message to your own cousins man by rubbing his arm and just doing 5 much like flirting and rubbing and speaking all extra airy....

Men may like the attention ... but they don't take women like that seriously.. acting extra flirty only makes a woman look like a yamp.... These women don't know how they make themselves look...

Oh and she knows damn well what shes doing...

The funny part is I've had this talk with my boyfriend... Its called the " Trifling Whore Talk" boundaries must be set... Whats cool whats not. What type of hugs are appropriate... What makes you feel comfortable what doesn't. And Trifling whores... females who try to steel or flirt extra hard with other womans men.

And I totally agree with the other women when they said .. " LET HIM TELL HER TO STOP"

I know that is your cousin but they get the hint even more when the man tells them. That's the part that is funny especially when you are with someone a lot of women find attractive..... At the end of the day its about what your DH will do not her. If that is how she is thats how she is. Let her deal with that but when it comes to your DH he needs to hold you down 24/7....