Help me Help my cousin....

[SvelteVelvet]

I feel the pull you feel to help, I'm the same big ole' softy heart, especially when kids are involved. While your cousin and piece of trash baby daddy are adults who obviously need some re-conditioning when it comes to functioning through life, especially as parents, the children still deserve a fair shot.

However, the help she wants that you described will only feed the monster that will eventually rare it's head again. Getting money from you to help out will do nothing but reinforce the sperminators avoidance of responsibility and soften the blow of his ways towards her. She needs to feel that hard thump on her butt to produce the backbone she'll need to raise her kids in a healthier environment without ole dude and if she isn't prepared to do anything but ask for handouts to make up for the crap he's pulling on her then maybe she needs to think about whether or not she is the best person to raise her children. In a fed-up mood, I'd have told her that last sentence straight up.

 

[chocolat79]

so ladies I am trying to help my cousin get out of an abusive relationship but I don't know what to do...

Here are the stats:

She is 25 years old. She has a 1 year old and is currently 8months pregnant with baby #2. She has an HS diploma and no job. She receives about $90 a week from unemployment. she also lives in Housing provided by the government and also gets about $200 a month in food stamps. Her baby daddy (ugh) is no help. He works a fulltime a job and provides nothing for her or her 2 kids, pays no bills, no food, pampers, ANYTHING. He wont even babysit.

Right now she is on the phone with me crying because she was having stomach pains on Sunday to the point she was laying in the tub for hours crying. He left the house at 5pm on Saturday and didn't return until 6pm the next day so he was of know help to her. He took her unemployment card so she had no money even though he just got paid that Friday. Just asked him for $20 and he said he is broke. (it's Tuesday). She wants to kick him out but she wants to wait until the baby is born so that he will sign the birth certificate (which will make it easier to file for child support).

She wants to leave the city and have a new start but she doesn't have anywhere to go nor does she have a car to get there. I want to offer a place for her to stay. but my problem is this is my senior of college and I dont think I can handle all the drama that is gonna come from this. I have a two bedroom apartment, but I also have a roommate who is not a fan of kids! But I can handle my rent and my bills on my own so it will give her a chance to save her money. My mother said HELL NO and that she caused this situation on herself. and she doesn't talk to her mother. Right now is saying that she feels bad because she put her kids in this situation and she just wants to fix it while she can.

I was raised Methodist and like most Christians I have been taught to help those in need and this is family! But no one else is stepping up to the plate... my family is so selfish sometimes. How can they not help her. My mama has a 5 bedroom 5 bath and is only using 3 rooms and still wont let her stay. am I missing something?

BTW: I am 22 so maybe I have a young mind about the situation.

@the bolded: Not a reason to stay. What if decides NOT to sign the birth certifcate? Then what? If he's as trifling as it seems, he may decide not to anyway.

I'm in agreement with your mom. She's not a baby. I MAY have a little more sympathy if she was a teenager or something, but she's 25...not 15. So, she's old enough to know better and know that he was trifling when she got pregnant by him, AGAIN. So, I'm sorry, she's going to have to be resourceful and get herself together. You shouldn't be burdened down with this, especially as a senior in college. Don't let her mistakes make it harder for you because you're doing what you're supposed to do. I do applaud your empathy though. It's a very good quality to have. If anything, throw her a few dollars or something, if you feel like you NEED to do more, but I wouldn't let her come stay. Those situations have a way of turning very ugly, very quickly.

 

[HeChangedMyName]

This is my favorite word of advice that I give those coming up behind me along similar paths from what I've either been through or witnessed someone close to me going through.

The reality is she chose him. She continues to make a choice each day that she is with him, her choice is to stay. Regardless of how much she may complain about the situation. Nothing will change until she reaches that point where she is just sick and tired of it.

No amount of advice or encouragement or rebuking, etc. will push her to that point. Some people never reach that point and are complacent with bad situations.

For me, when i got to that point it was just me and God. Me screaming acting a fool, flipping in my room all by myself asking God why He allowed all this crap to happen to me. . .He listened to me and after I finished my little rant and tantrum, he reminded me that I CHOSE my situation. That's all it took was for me to recognize that it wasn't anyone's fault that I was in my mess because no one held me hostage, no one blackmaled me, no one threatened to make me stay or do bodily harm to me.

I stayed becaus there was some aspects of it that I liked. Your cousin likes something about it, and no matter how twisted it may be, right now, her enjoyment is greater than her disdain.

I recently ran into a friend of mine who was in a similar situation in the past. last time i spoke to her i gave her that very advice. I was tired of hearing the complaining and I told her, "you'll stay until you are tired of it. So don't complain if you're gonna stay."

When i was her, she thanked me because no one had told her that before. she hadn't fully acknowledged that no one was making her stay in a bad situation but herself. She has since moved on, moved out, moved up, gotten raises, bought a new fly ride AND a house and knows now that her situation was truly holding her back.

 

[awhyley]

I agree with your mom and you can't help her out at this point in time anyway. You are in college with a roommate. If my college roommate came talking that noise, there would be WWIII. You can not put that on your roommate. That is your out to your cousin right now.

I was wondering if anyone would bring up the roommate issue, because OP, you're not in a position to offer her a space if you're not living by yourself. Your cousin is grown and made her own decisions. You've already lent/given her money, not to mention your time, and here she is still bothering you; not trying to do anything for herself. You're going to have to detach yourself from her because she will only have a negative impact on your studies (and bank account).

ETA: Sooner rather than later is best, [because you know who will be hinting at baby shower gifts . . . ]

 

[smwrigh3]

I agree with your mom and you can't help her out at this point in time anyway. You are in college with a roommate. If my college roommate came talking that noise, there would be WWIII. You can not put that on your roommate. That is your out to your cousin right now.

I agree with the other ladies, baby 3, 4, 5......... are going to show up and your cousin will never learn. I think the reason why your cousin won't go to her mother is that her mother knows that her and her husband is full of siht. She is just waiting for your cousin to come correct and I am sure she would assist her if that is truly what your cousin wants. Sometime's women just want to get away from the dude to breathe. Well, life doesn't work like that, you are either with him or not, that ping ponging isn't cute. She is a mother and she needs to start using her head.

^^^^ This is exactly why her and my aunt aren't talking. I am actually on my aunt side but I not to the point I would leave her stranded... AND THAT IS EXACTLY MY PROBLEM!

OP, please don't take this the wrong way, I don't mean any harm, I am just venting.

First of all, I am sick and tired of women that play the victim all the damn time. She knew after the first baby he was a loser, so why get pregnant with number 2? Duh? Also, why in the hell would she let this man stay with her and he is not contributing to the household? I don't care if she is waiting for him to sign the birth certificate. What if he doesn't sign it? Then, she would STILL be in the same predicament.

I just don't get it, I really don't. There is no way in hell I would let some worthless man, who is working, stay with me and not provide. What type of man lets his kids and gf go without the basic nessecities?

I agree 100% with your mother. I wouldn't let her stay with me, either. She needs to handle her own business. She laid up with this loser, had two kids by him, she needs to take charge and stand up on her own two feet. The first thing she needs to do, is kick HIM THE F**K OUT! He probably is not suppose to be living there anyway if she is qualified for government housing.

And no, you should not move her up in your apartment, that is totally rude and inconsiderate to your roommate. No one wants to be around some screaming kids when they are trying to sleep or do homework. Also, I am quite sure there are occupancy rules and having 5 people in a two bedroom *might* just be against the occupancy rules.

I'm not offended @ all.. actually all the bolded are the reason I don't want to help her at all! First off I am not getting kicked out of my apartment for her. $539 all inclusive... I DONT THINK SO! Secondly how do u actively have 2 children with no job? I can't understand it! I am just so sick of all this drama I wanna make it all go away... but I can see how that wont help her grow up and handle her business as a mother or woman!

And another thing........

Let's say you graduate college, get a good job and nice place to stay and you let her move in with you. I bet you dollars to donuts, she will get comfortable and make no effort to improve her situation because you will be taking care of her. She will become relaxed and comfortable.

If she really wanted to change her situation, she would be acting NOW and coming up with a game plan that does not include trying to live with other relatives.

I really think this THE plan...Since I am the only young adult in my family that is doing something with themselves everyone is expecting to me to be the savior... I actually have a different plan that they know nothing about.

 

[NaturalRed]

Wow, I'm really glad that my family is supportive and would want to help me if things got this out of hand. I just read the first few replies and couldn't read anymore.

Yes, your cousin did put herself in this situation and needs to grow up, but based on what you wrote, it appears she knows this and is reaching out for help and support.

As a college student with a room-mate, you really can't offer her much monetary support or a place to stay, but you can urge her to look up some government programs that are designed to help women in her situation. I would also urge her to make ammends with her mom. They may be at odds now, but it sounds like she's really going to need her support as well to get through this.

 

[Makenzie]

OP, I feel for you. I was in a similar situation and learned the hard way a person appreciates help when they are required to take an active part in it. My soft heart wouldn't let me sit by the side and do nothing. However, it soon became obvious I was the only one trying, others were only talking....and taking.

If her mother has space for her and the two babies and the only thing hindering her from moving home is because her mom talks about her loser boyfriend, then she really is not trying to help herself or her children. Sorry. I would encourage her to seek options other than me.

 

[fattyfatfat]

OP, I have another question for you. did you color with her to have baby one and two? if the answer is NO, you really dont owe her anything!!!! In one of your posts she asked you to help her get a toddler bed and a dresser? say what? please...the way things are going...you just might end up playing a SO and daddy to her and her children. it seems like shes looking to be provided for and well...you arent a third...second...or first parent to her children. you're her cousin and friend...play that role instead of the provider role.

 

[Sasha299]

Wow, I'm really glad that my family is supportive and would want to help me if things got this out of hand. I just read the first few replies and couldn't read anymore.

Yes, your cousin did put herself in this situation and needs to grow up, but based on what you wrote, it appears she knows this and is reaching out for help and support.

As a college student with a room-mate, you really can't offer her much monetary support or a place to stay, but you can urge her to look up some government programs that are designed to help women in her situation. I would also urge her to make ammends with her mom. They may be at odds now, but it sounds like she's really going to need her support as well to get through this.

Hon, in this case you cannot help her by taking her in. You can however continue to offer her moral support.

I suspect many of the posters here who say she made her bed she can lie in it have never been the victim of verbal and emotional abuse. It eats away at your self confidence, telling you that you need your abuser to be somebody - many women eventually end up believing it unless there is someone there who is telling them no its wrong, he does not love you, its not your fault, you need to get strong. Its only when they find a voice (their own, their children's, a stranger's) that is stronger than their abuser's that they will get the strength to step away from the abuser.

She can for now,
* tell him to leave, when he leaves call the housing authority and tell them to remove him
* file for custody and child support.
* let them know that he stole her support card
* enter a CNA course through a workforce program (they have them all around the country)
* start babysitting at home - most places you can sit for 3 children before you need a license and then after that the basic license is easy to obtain and they'll even walk you through it
* get the existing child in therapy - play therapy now but there is a reason that most children of abused/abusers end up as abuser/victim.

If she makes up excuses - call her on it. I do it in a loving way and eventually it works.

 

[NYAmicas]

Next time she calls I need you to read her what these ladies posted. I just.....cant, and neither should you OP. When I read that this ***** got a full time job and is doing nothing but paying in sperm I was too through! There are more programs out there for her than many other groups and you've done enough Tell her to pray and get it together!

 

[smwrigh3]

Hon, in this case you cannot help her by taking her in. You can however continue to offer her moral support.

I suspect many of the posters here who say she made her bed she can lie in it have never been the victim of verbal and emotional abuse. It eats away at your self confidence, telling you that you need your abuser to be somebody - many women eventually end up believing it unless there is someone there who is telling them no its wrong, he does not love you, its not your fault, you need to get strong. Its only when they find a voice (their own, their children's, a stranger's) that is stronger than their abuser's that they will get the strength to step away from the abuser.

She can for now,
* tell him to leave, when he leaves call the housing authority and tell them to remove him
* file for custody and child support.
* let them know that he stole her support card
* enter a CNA course through a workforce program (they have them all around the country)
* start babysitting at home - most places you can sit for 3 children before you need a license and then after that the basic license is easy to obtain and they'll even walk you through it
* get the existing child in therapy - play therapy now but there is a reason that most children of abused/abusers end up as abuser/victim.

If she makes up excuses - call her on it. I do it in a loving way and eventually it works.

She has already done both of those... he has a court order to pay child support for baby #1... he doesn't but she does have the order
And she has taken the CNA class but she hasn't paid her state boards so right its useless... erplexed

she really isn't trying to help herself @ all.

 

[Makenzie]

She has already done both of those... he has a court order to pay child support for baby #1... he doesn't but she does have the order
And she has taken the CNA class but she hasn't paid her state boards so right its useless... erplexed

she really isn't trying to help herself @ all.

The bolded should help you decide what to do.

 

[glam-]

Can't help someone change that doesn't really want to. She's addicted to him. She's not really suffering because you and the govt helps her out. So, I'm saying this to you directly.


CUT HER OFF.

I have BEEN in this situation. I thought that I was helping, when all I was doing was keeping them comfortable so they didn't have to do what they needed to do. The moment you start giving money or things, it's already too late. She doesn't need money. She needs a reality check. She's never going to get it, unless you tell her the bank's closed and to toss the broke thug out.

I've been there too, and the bolded is absolutely correct. As long as you all help, she will never see what her situation truly is. By "helping" her, you are just making her life with the deadbeat easier for her to cope with. Her moving in with you (which she probably doesn't want- too much loss of freedom) or you buying them a toddler bed, etc will not be the end of her relationship with him, and you will end up being their common enemy (after they have taken advantage of your kind heart, of course) Been there, done that.

 

[Sasha299]

She has already done both of those... he has a court order to pay child support for baby #1... he doesn't but she does have the order
And she has taken the CNA class but she hasn't paid her state boards so right its useless... erplexed

she really isn't trying to help herself @ all.

Now if she's done all that and is not hearing a voice uplifting her and telling her to uplift her kids then she may be a lost cause for you. If you feel bad just cutting her off just stop listening actively - you know when she calls just say uhh, you know what to do when she complains.

 

[southerncitygirl]

I kinda agree with your mom...

as do i....she made her bed so she must lie in it. she probably had an idea he was an arse before the first child and has 2 kids( i know the other 1 is on the way) by him, i might be inclined to let her slide if she hadn't gotten knocked up a second time. you bring this drama into your home and your grades and peace of mind will suffer...trust and believe it. shoot your roomie may kick all of y'all outerplexed.

 

[jem_mcmillan]

I agree with your mom. I know she is your family but she needs to step up and take responsibility for her life. You can not keep bailing her out of her messes. She can file a restraining order, change the locks, request a apartment transfer, etc. Has she spoken to her caseworker about the situation and see if there is any services the city provides?

This situation will drain you dry if you let it. She chose this life and situation. Not you. I know it sounds cold, but I have been where you are. You need to distance yourself emotionally and physically. Good luck

 

[fletgee]

I agree with your mom. I know she is your family but she needs to step up and take responsibility for her life. You can not keep bailing her out of her messes. She can file a restraining order, change the locks, request a apartment transfer, etc. Has she spoken to her caseworker about the situation and see if there is any services the city provides?

This situation will drain you dry if you let it. She chose this life and situation. Not you. I know it sounds cold, but I have been where you are. You need to distance yourself emotionally and physically. Good luck

I am in total agreement!

 

[jada1111]

This situation will drain you dry if you let it. She chose this life and situation. Not you. I know it sounds cold, but I have been where you are. You need to distance yourself emotionally and physically. Good luck

No truer words have ever been spoken.

This is the United States of America not a foreign country where many women have no control on the type of men they have or don't know no better. WE do. We're also lucky in the fact that some government agency will make sure we're okay, if the no good man does leave or if you're forced to leave him.

I'm curious as to what Smwrigh3's cousin told her when she gave her this new info. I bet she made all types of excuses on:

Why dude can't leave right now
Why he can't buy the toddler bed she needs for HIS child and got a JOB
Why he gives her no money, but yet she still NEEDS him for something
Why she can't take advantage of the various government resources for she and her child

Him taking her money card still has me like ! If dude ain't using it to buy something for the house, but for his own pleasure then your cousin needs to be slapped big time.

 

[yvette]

So, she has filed a court order for child support, he doesn't pay but yet in still she lets him LIVE WITH HER AND NOT CONTRIBUTE ANYTHING TO THE HOUSEHOLD??? WTF?

OP, your cousin is a straight up fool, plain and simple.

 

[jada1111]

So, she has filed a court order for child support, he doesn't pay but yet in still she lets him LIVE WITH HER AND NOT CONTRIBUTE ANYTHING TO THE HOUSEHOLD??? WTF?

OP, your cousin is a straight up fool, plain and simple.

Couldn't agree more. Even I wasn't that stupid at that age.

There is no way I could have someone sit up under me and he's not contributing a damn thing! WTF is he good for???

Useless piece of *ish. I wonder if he's a drug addict? He takes his money and her money, don't come back for days and is broke??!!

I remember seeing that crap in those old time movies, but even those women got fed up after awhile and kicked him out.

 

[yvette]

Exactly. Ain't no way. I guess I have a very low tolerance for bs.

I just can not understand why the cousin would allow her kids to go without all due to this loser? I thought a mother's first instinct is to protect her kids and make sure they are provided for? Guess I was wrong.

I really would love to know if she is still sleeping with him.

 

[LoveLongLocks]

Pray about it, and do what's in your power. No more. No less.
It's easy to ignore when things are not your situation, but who is to say that he has always been abusive. Add children to the mix.
People seem to have more sympathy to animals than fellow humans.
If someone turns down help, this is different, not want to help themselves, ect...
but helping someone in a crisis is humane. Family or not.
You can help her get into counseling, a shelter, programs.... there are many ways to help.
Then you have your peace of mind, and she can make her own decisions past that.
I hope things get better for her, and that she is strong enough to break away from this.

 

[DayStar]

I dont feel sorry for people in her shoes. She made her bed...now she must handle her bitnezz.

 

[smwrigh3]

Thanks ladies for all of your input!

I wanted to give you all an update. I spoke with her yesterday and she sounded much better than the day she called me. She claims that they have had a heart to heart (his mom was there) and he says that he is gonna start contributing more to the household and be a man. I honestly don't believe it and I think in the end the kids will suffer. However I am not going to get involved. I have so much on my plate with graduating and job searching and my SO daughter that I dont really want to take on more responsibility unless she ends up helpless and homeless and she needs to call her mom before me.

The thing is I feel like if I help her leave him and she goes back its gonna leave a negative taste in my mouth. I will be very upset and more importantly he is going to be super salty towards me because he knows I was involved. He already banned her mom from their home and I dont want to be next. Just in case she needs me for something.

 

[Bunny77]

He already banned her mom from their home and I dont want to be next.

How's he gonna ban people from a home he doesn't live in? Naw, that girl don't wanna be saved...

 

[jem_mcmillan]

She claims that they have had a heart to heart (his mom was there) and he says that he is gonna start contributing more to the household and be a man. Seriously his mom has to tell him to stand up and be a man, let a alone a functioning member of society. Give me a break, I am glad you realize nothing will change.
The thing is I feel like if I help her leave him and she goes back its gonna leave a negative taste in my mouth. Been there, done that. Your right to focus on yourself. Your cousin has to reach her bottom, until that happens nothing will change.

I love the fact that he bans people from an apartment that he does not pay any bills in. Can't be mad at him, she is allowing this.

 

[smwrigh3]

How's he gonna ban people from a home he doesn't live in? Naw, that girl don't wanna be saved...

I love the fact that he bans people from an apartment that he does not pay any bills in. Can't be mad at him, she is allowing this.

He said her mom is disrespectful towards him (which she is)... he doesn't want her there... when I confronted her about she said that her mother needs to have enough respect for her to not disrespect him. So her mother is not allowed past the front steps if he is at home. So her mother doesn't go over there at all. Its really sad.

My fear is that is an abusive relationship and we are not seeing the signs. knocking her up with several kids with no car, stealing money, banning family friends... I am just concerned that my cousin is gonna end up on Nancy Grace. I definitely agree to all that women have said but I don't want my tough love to leave her in a body bag. Things have gotten violent several times before and I am trying to monitor so it doesn't happen again.

 

[Bunny77]

I definitely agree to all that women have said but I don't want my tough love to leave her in a body bag. Things have gotten violent several times before and I am trying to monitor so it doesn't happen again.

You could also end up in a body bag though.

Not trying to be grim, but abusive men also go off on the protectors too.

http://www.nbcchicago.com/news/local-beat/Survivors-Shocked-Devastated-in-Hoffman-Estates-.html

 

[BullGirl2010]

He said her mom is disrespectful towards him (which is is)... he ddoes want her there... when I confronted her about she said that her mother needs to have enough respect for her to not disrespect him. So her mother is not allowed past the front steps if he is at home. So her mother doesn't go over there at all. Its really sad.

My fear is that is an abusive relationship and we are not seeing the signs. knocking her up with several kids with no car, stealing money, banning family friends... I am just concerned that my cousin is gonna end up on Nancy Grace. I definitely agree to all that women have said but I don't want my tough love to leave her in a body bag. Things have gotten violent several times before and I am trying to monitor so it doesn't happen again.

What in the hell!!! Your cousin allowed HIM, a non-contributing, lowlife thief to ban HER mother from HER apartment? WTF!!! You have got to be kidding me. Her mother has EVERY RIGHT to "not respect him." What is there to respect? He's an abusive, low life monster. Your cousin is allowing this in her children's life. Forget her, the kids are of major import. She chose to get pregnant by and STAY with this loser. That's on her.

As for her ending up in a body bag, my concern is YOU ending up in one. As an investigator, I've seen this happen more than I care to admit because the kind hearted soul tried to "help" the non-responsive person. She will put herself in that body bag if she stays with this fool. My goodness I get so sick of women like her. Focus on your studies, graduation, starting your career, etc. Leave this train wreck of a situation alone. Your kindness is truly admirable but give her moral support from a distance. She's on a collision course and there's nothing you can do to stop it. SHE has to want to get out of this disaster. There are way too many women in the ground because they "loveeeedddd" a no good POS. SMDH!!!

 

[smwrigh3]

Update:

She delivered a baby boy (as planned) almost 3 weeks ago. She had some complications and she was unable to walk for the first couple of weeks... she is regaining strength and doing better everyday. I am going to see the baby on Saturday with my SO for the first time. I felt bad for not rushing home to be by her side but yall I was really scared that her SO was going to runaway and leave me there to take care of her and the kids... so I waited

So she is broke. She told me she was saving her unemployment up because she knew it was getting cut off soon (which it did) but some how ALL that money is gone. Her boyfriend's mother paid their rent which was $70 or $90 (I forget which) and her cable just got cut off. My mother is going to pay her phone bill b/c she doesn't want her in the house with no phone, no car and 2 kids. She asked me for $ on the cable bill but that is a luxury she can't afford and I am not paying for that! She is so broke that she missed her Dr. appointment yesterday because she didn't have the bus fare (all day pass is $2.00).

I am nervous about going to see her because she thinks my SO and I have it made so we can help THEM. But we have a 3 year old of our own (my stepchild) and we both work so I don't like the idea of helping her on things that aren't important. I will probably bring her some pampers and wipes when I go visit but that is about it. She and her mother are still not talking so her mother is not helping (which I don't blame her).

I realize everything you ladies were saying and I am am taking everything to heart. I am graduating and my SO and I are looking at houses and I dont have time to have a grown person sucking me dry. I know its going to be hard for her but I can't do anything about that. I made the decision to chose a BC method that works she should have done the same.