Help! My daughter invited her husband and boyfriend to Christmas

yardyspice

yardyspice

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My daughter wants to bring her husband—and her boyfriend—to Christmas.

By Emily Yoffe




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Emily Yoffe Photo by Teresa Castracane.

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Dear Prudence,
Our daughter "Amanda" lives in another state and has been married to "Jacob" for several years. Theirs is an open relationship, and I have always known that. My husband, however has kept his head in the sand regarding this. My daughter has a boyfriend, "Tom,” whom Jacob knows about and has a great friendship with. They are all planning to come to our home this Christmas, but my husband insists that Tom (who has visited us previously) is not welcome. Do I tell our daughter, son-in-law, and daughter's boyfriend to make other holiday plans? My opinion is that they are all consenting adults, there are no children involved, and always behave appropriately in public.

—Stuck in the Middle With Him



Dear Stuck,
Perhaps a generation from now many families will be having a very polyamorous Christmas. But we aren’t there yet. I support your conclusion that your daughter and the men in her life are consenting adults and as long as they behave with decorum, what they do in private is none of your business. But they are also open about their open relationship, so I can understand your husband’s point of view that he attended Amanda’s wedding to Jacob, where she vowed to forsake all others, including every Tom, Dick, and Harry. Before you call your daughter, talk to your husband about the possibility of indulging in some denial and just treating Tom as a friend of the couple who has nowhere else to go for the holiday. If that doesn’t work, and your husband has no interest in getting presents for this trio (a boxed set of Peter, Paul, and Mary?), then contact your daughter and explain your dilemma. Do not open with a suggestion that she go elsewhere for Christmas. Tell her that her father is not yet ready to accept her unconventional approach to marriage, but that alienating herself from him won’t help the process. Suggest this year she come only with Jacob. Surely she knows there are simply occasions when she must make a choice about which man to bring.

—Prudie
 
I posted the article because I came across the article below and I was planning to post it because people never talk about the kids in these types of relationships.

Anonymous Kid: Being Part Of A Polyamorous Family Around The Holidays Is The Worst

1 week ago by Anonymous
72 Comments
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Are you stressing out about getting your family together for the holidays – with all the flying, driving and mixing of families? Well, imagine how much harder it is when your parents are in multiple relationships at the same time. That’s the reality I’ve been dealing with for 17 years.

Holidays should be times of festivities, traditions, relaxing, laughter, joy, reminiscing about the year that flew before our eyes, good food, and celebrating with family. However, being part of a polyamorous family during the holidays has been none of those things. It was stressful and uncomfortable because each of my parents have had other relationships outside of the triad inside their home. I am introverted, shy, and don’t take to new people easily. But year after year, my parents put me around people I had never met before.

Holidays were generally divided amongst mom’s partners and their families, dad’s partners and their families, and their girlfriend’s family, her partners, and their families. Sometimes relationships extended more outwardly, and we spent time with their metamour’s families, too. (By the way, a metamour is a word created to help people get their minds around the confusing relationships involved in polyamory. You can read more about it here.)

One would think by now, where the holidays will be spent would be squared away. In more traditional households, that’s true. Spending it with either set of in-laws, friends, or hosting it at home. It’s not that easy in my parents’ home. No two years have ever been the same.

I’ve tried to be understanding about my parents caring about their relationships with their partners’ families, but they don’t get that Partner A going to his/her grandma’s house every year is not a tradition hat has any emotional linkage to me. I don’t know “Grandma” Adele, and I don’t need to see her every year. They consider their partners’ respective families their in-laws. I don’t consider them my grandparents, cousins, uncles, nieces, nephews, or anything like that. I have real family in the world who want to see me, and every year I ended up around people who only felt compelled to be around me because their kid was dating my parents.

Read more: http://www.mommyish.com/2013/11/28/polyamorous-family-holidays/#ixzz2mdh7L4em
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Is it so hard to leave the bf at home? Daughter should be lucky that her mother even tolerates this. Just go with your husband only and humor your father.
 
yes, consenting adults, but i get the dad. he walked his daughter down the aisle. she married one man and now she's trying to bring in additional folks. this father is thinking 'my married daughter is sexing other men'...that awkward as all get out for a parent :perplexed: . next year will there be two additional guests? it doesn't seem like the open marriage was something dad knew before she got married (maybe the couple didn't make that arrangement until after the wedding). In that case he feels like he has to go along with a situation he feels is awkward and problematic. and why does Tom want to come along anyway? doesn't he know he is nothing but a legitimized side piece. doesn't he have his own family and friends? out of order and a mess.
 
Respect the father's wishes. Its his house. When she hosts things at her house she can do what she wants and it will be the fathers choice weather to participate or not.
 
I am not now nor have I ever knowingly been in an open relationship, however I think she should be allowed to bring her boyfriend and the father should kind of suck it up. Everyone doesn't have the same idea of what marriage is and that should be respected. You don't have to like it, but to the extent it does not directly affect you, it shouldn't be a big deal.

Now as far as the children are concerned...honestly children complain about everything. Especially teenagers. Chances are if the 17 year old were taken to her grandparents' house s/he would likely be complaining about not being able to hang with their friends instead.
 
CoilyFields said:
Respect the father's wishes. Its his house. When she hosts things at her house she can do what she wants and it will be the fathers choice weather to participate or not.
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This is true. The daughter can opt to host at her home - and include her boy toy- and not go to her parents home at all. Of course she can extend an invitation to her parents but her dad probably won't come. He's got his panties in a bunch about a situation that does not involve him. As a parent I understand how hard it is to watch our children make mistakes or decisions we don't agree with, but it's their lives.
 
frida1980 said:
Is it so hard to leave the bf at home? Daughter should be lucky that her mother even tolerates this. Just go with your husband only and humor your father.
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I think it is interesting that the mom tolerates it as well. I just can't see myself being that "open" with my child. :nono:
 
everything about this is insufferable. the triad marriage, the advice, and the stagey alleged "kid" perspective.
 
What about the husband's girlfriend? Where is she celebrating Christmas? Will she ask to come along? Surely if Tom is coming, Becky can come too. Right?

This is funny.
 
I don't know about the open relationship thing.

But something similar happened at my grandfather's funeral. My mother's pseudo-bf and my dad (separated) were both there. There was no drama or anything. Everyone knew their position. My dad attended the funeral but I don't think he and my mother even spoke. My mom's psuedo-bf at the time went to the burial site after the funeral and was the one holding the umbrella. There was no PDA and my mom's friend had been around almost 10 years at that point. However, to me, it felt like a big elephant in the room because technically my parents are still married. :ohwell:

It was cool I guess. The only person that brought the weirdness about it up at all was me. No one else seemed to care. :look:

The mother in the OP seems to be cool with it. The couple involved are cool with it. The mother also said they are consenting & respectful. I don't really see the problem.
 
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LiftedUp said:
She's disrespecting her parents' home and is outright with it.
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This woman is bringing not one but two dudes she's *fill in the blank* to her father's house, wants to plop them in her father's face, and expects her father to break bread like nothing is wrong... ain't no way :nono:

I admit, my feelings are based on relationship with my father. My dad isn't the type to put up much of a fuss about anything and supports his daughters uncondtionally about most things, however when he does his feelings are respected, especially in his house.
 
I am picturing my traditional African father and there's no way on this planet .... in his house? Maybe after he and my mum pass on because she is ten times cray cray than him. Even my married brothers know better. He better not hear about no side pieces and what not. I'm in my late 30s and the next man I introduce to him will be a fiance who needs his blessings/counsel. No hopefuls or boyfriends.

They met someone once and my parents lost it when they found out he was engaged to someone at home and my mum had to break it to me. Mama flew home and cussed errybody out in his family. It was epic and exceptionally embarrassing. She knew them very well and had a long personal and business rship with them and they had kept quiet about his trifling ways. That was almost 10 yrs ago and I have never brought anyone else home since.
 
My friend is spending the holiday with her couples' folks, I always wondered how they felt about it lol.
 
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