Help a single sista out..... I dont get it

[DayStar]

I hated dating when I was single. Don't get me wrong I loved going out and having fun, but the disappointments and lazy men got on my nerves

However, I stayed with a rotation of 10 men no less than 5. I would milk each situation and wasn't loyal to any of them. My thing was, if we aren't together, meaning exclusive, meaning committed, then I don't owe you my loyalty. We can just go out on your dime

Keep weeding them out. There are a lot of good men out there you just got to weed them out until you find him. Oh yeah don't ever give a man 10 years with no ring again. 6 months to 1 year max especially at 30.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

That FB message is code for I'm broke and can't afford to date but I still want to have sex with you.

Have you told these men that you're celibate? I ask because once you tell a man that he then makes it his mission to have sex with you.erplexed

The dating game is really a numbers game. From what I can tell from DH's single friends, they are trying to have sex as soon as possible and spend the least amount of money possible (including Dutch or at home dates with DVD's which may be $2 bootleg copies). This is until they really like a woman. Then they seem to use their rent money to take her out.

The professional men can be the worst since they feel like they have unicorn status. I recall a young, Black law firm partner saying as much when he started dating after his divorce. I do think some women had sex with him very early on due to his degree/job and that was precisely his plan.

If a man is interested in you, he will make time for you and treat you how you want. I've posted this before and will just paste it here:

I enjoyed dating when I was single and I always kept at least 2 men on hand. I have never believed the idea that there are no good, single, successful men out there. I always found a few.

I definitely subscribe to the idea that until the man does the asking, we are not exclusive. I always assumed that any man that I was dating was also dating other women. I didn't even ask about it.

What I would do is accept numbers from men who approached me or guys I met on match.com/blackplanet.com and typically I'd meet them for lunch during the week. I had so many lunch dates at the same place that I know the people at the restaurants by my job thought that I was a "professional".

I would go on a few dates with the various men and weed them out slowly. Two of the guys that I met and had lunch with were from CT (I'm in NYC) so I figured they would not work out for long...geographically unattractive. However, they put in the effort to come to me and plan dates. They stick out since they were both very tall 6'4" and 6'6". If lunch went well, then dinner dates & then movies, comedy shows or something. One CT guy (only lawyer that I ever dated) went to the Apollo with me and my family saw the show when it aired on television. I only took 1 man home to meet my family (DH) so that Apollo thing was a clue for me to avoid dates at any place where it would be filmed. In the age of social media, I also would not recommend taking photos with men while you're on dates. You never know how those photos could be used or strung together later.

I would re-evaluate about once per month and weed out the guys that did not have potential. ...like the 6'5" cutie that worked at a local college or the doctor (GYN of all things) who was trying to have sex by date 3 & felt me up in the movie theater. He seemed to hate women too which I perceived in the way he talked about his unmarried, pregnant patients. The college guy was nice but still living with his mom and not trying to move out. One guy had dated one of my good friends about 10 years earlier (he has a very unique name) so that ended FAST. Then there were the investment banker types - a Lehman guy was the most fun for about 3 dates (one a double with his friend & my friend) but he also tried to have sex by date 3.

I pulled a "guy" move and had two men that I was seeing come to the same event once. Both were in banking/finance. I had met one at an open mic event and the other was a fix up by another guy friend. I don't think that it was obvious to both of them that I had invited 2 men. It was a social event and not like a couples thing. My guy friend (who fixed me up) was there as well as a few of my girlfriends so I don't think they were positive that I was dating both of them, so they just did not ask. I dated both of them for a few weeks but one fell off (the fix up guy). The other became a friend for a while but we don't speak anymore. I am still not certain if he is straight but he did help me pick up a nice fur lined winter coat that I still wear til this day and I still get compliments on it. I later learned that the possible gay guy was good friends with yet another guy (web designer & jujitsu teacher) that I briefly dated and who is still a friend today.

I would end up liking one guy more than the rest and kind of let the other men fall off slowly. I would not make a big deal about it and tell them to stop calling or anything. I did end up with a few great guy friends, one who even attended my wedding and we still talk all these years later. I spoke to him recently and he is still single but he has a kid now.

The night DH and I had our first date it only happened because the man I had a second dinner date with (Ph. D guy with his own place & no kids) had to work late. I knew that DH had me sprung when I did not even realize that I had not called that guy back (and he had not called me to reschedule dinner). On our first date that guy cooked for me (yes, I went to his place and saw him so it wasn't take out) but I guess he wasn't that interested since I didn't hear from him again. I don't recommend at home dates but I did make an exception due to his work schedule.

DH wanted to be exclusive after 3 months and the other guys that I was seeing were cut off pretty quick. One guy at that time really had no marriage potential but he was a bit younger than me and loads of fun, pharmaceutical sales rep with his own place. Another was older than me & in the IT field and had just moved back to NY from W VA (recently had dumped a White woman).

By that time I was dating with the idea of marriage in mind. By month four DH was talking marriage, serious not just talk, so I stopped taking numbers.

DH is actually the only man who EVER told me that he was not dating other women and he asked me to stop dating others. DH and I worked for the same law firm for 3.5 years before he asked me out so he knew that I dated a lot since he saw me with some of my dates over the years who picked me up or dropped me off in front of the office building....including jujitsu guy after lunch which prompted DH to ask for exclusivity although it wasn't even a "date" but payback for a favor. The other men that I was dating did not even ask if I was seeing other men. I probably would have been honest, had they asked, and said that I had other plans but I would not rub it in their face and say that I had a date with another man.

I think it's crazy to date only 1 man at a time if you're single. I do not recommend sex with multiple men at all.....but definitely date in groups of at least 3....and have fun.

Hey Ladies, okay please give me you honest opinion.... I need to be schooled on this new modern aged dating.

Here's some background information about me..Im a young 30 something with no kids, never married. I was in a relationship for 9 years that lasted throughout my 20's. The young man treated me well, he courted me, and was a good provider. Him and i decided to part ways, but we remain friends to this day. We just were not meant for each other. So i know how to be treated well and courted.

But modern aged dating is weird!!!!! Fast forward to 2014, Ive went on a few dates and these guys are becoming lazy and *** clownish!!!! Some dudes want you to go dutch, they dont want to open doors, and they just want to hang out. These men are 30 -40 somethings, educated, professionals, that just want to hang out.

In October 2014 i was dating a professional man that tried to impress me with his job title and expensive car. After 2 dates, he called me up and invited me over his house with a bed room type pitch in his voice lol..... I asked, why, for what???? I said "why dont you come to my neighborhood and take me on a date". He said "what we gonna do". I responded "what ever we are going to do will be rated G". Of course , i never heard from him again.....

Now december 2014, i was dealing with a simliar type of guy. 30 something, Black, educated, professional guy. He would text me and not call....I didnt take him serous at all. He would invite me out at the last minute and never made plans.... He always invited me to come visit him at his house. I only went out with him one time to a lounge. I told him that i dont date without plans, and i definitely don't hangout in houses! I told him if he would like to see me then he needs to make plans. He made plans for a date this Thursday.....

Last night he facebook me and said "sorry im not going anywhere this week and im not ready to date anyone".... I told him oh well, your loss. Then i deleted him! Why did he waste his time making a plan lol....

So ladies please tell me, Im i missing something.... Is this hanging out thing normal? Im use to guys courting me, but these guys that i meet tend to be lazy.... Are they just trying to have sex when they invite a lady over to their home to watch a movie on the second date???? Whats going on???? Please school me!

 

[CaraWalker]

The dating game is really a numbers game. From what I can tell from DH's single friends, they are trying to have sex as soon as possible and spend the least amount of money possible (including Dutch or at home dates with DVD's which may be $2 bootleg copies). This is until they really like a woman. Then they seem to use their rent money to take her out.

there is a big disconnect in women understanding how the dating game works.

our motivation is to have him take us out as many times as possible without having to sleep with him.

his motivation is the exact opposite: to sleep with us as soon as possible to avoid having to take us out a lot and spend a lot of money

if you just keep in mind that this is most dudes' gameplan, the motivations to all of their actions will suddenly become magically transparent

 

[FemmeFatale]

That FB message is code for I'm broke and can't afford to date but I still want to have sex with you. Have you told these men that you're celibate? I ask because once you tell a man that he then makes it his mission to have sex with you.erplexed The dating game is really a numbers game. From what I can tell from DH's single friends, they are trying to have sex as soon as possible and spend the least amount of money possible (including Dutch or at home dates with DVD's which may be $2 bootleg copies). This is until they really like a woman. Then they seem to use their rent money to take her out. The professional men can be the worst since they feel like they have unicorn status. I recall a young, Black law firm partner saying as much when he started dating after his divorce. I do think some women had sex with him very early on due to his degree/job and that was precisely his plan. If a man is interested in you, he will make time for you and treat you how you want. I've posted this before and will just paste it here: I enjoyed dating when I was single and I always kept at least 2 men on hand. I have never believed the idea that there are no good, single, successful men out there. I always found a few. I definitely subscribe to the idea that until the man does the asking, we are not exclusive. I always assumed that any man that I was dating was also dating other women. I didn't even ask about it. What I would do is accept numbers from men who approached me or guys I met on match.com/blackplanet.com and typically I'd meet them for lunch during the week. I had so many lunch dates at the same place that I know the people at the restaurants by my job thought that I was a "professional". I would go on a few dates with the various men and weed them out slowly. Two of the guys that I met and had lunch with were from CT (I'm in NYC) so I figured they would not work out for long...geographically unattractive. However, they put in the effort to come to me and plan dates. They stick out since they were both very tall 6'4" and 6'6". If lunch went well, then dinner dates & then movies, comedy shows or something. One CT guy (only lawyer that I ever dated) went to the Apollo with me and my family saw the show when it aired on television. I only took 1 man home to meet my family (DH) so that Apollo thing was a clue for me to avoid dates at any place where it would be filmed. In the age of social media, I also would not recommend taking photos with men while you're on dates. You never know how those photos could be used of strung together later. I would re-evaluate about once per month and weed out the guys that did not have potential. ...like the 6'5" cutie that worked at a local college or the doctor (GYN of all things) who was trying to have sex by date 3 & felt me up in the movie theater. He seemed to hate women too which I perceived in the way he talked about his unmarried, pregnant patients. The college guy was nice but still living with his mom and not trying to move out. One guy had dated one of my good friends about 10 years earlier (he has a very unique name) so that ended FAST. Then there were the investment banker types - a Lehman guy was the most fun for about 3 dates (one a double with his friend & my friend) but he also tried to have sex by date 3. I pulled a "guy" move and had two men that I was seeing come to the same event once. Both were in banking/finance. I had met one at an open mic event and the other was a fix up by another guy friend. I don't think that it was obvious to both of them that I had invited 2 men. It was a social event and not like a couples thing. My guy friend (who fixed me up) was there as well as a few of my girlfriends so I don't think they were positive that I was dating both of them, so they just did not ask. I dated both of them for a few weeks but one fell off (the fix up guy). The other became a friend for a while but we don't speak anymore. I am still not certain if he is straight but he did help me pick up a nice fur lined winter coat that I still wear til this day and I still get compliments on it. I later learned that the possible gay guy was good friends with yet another guy (web designer & jujitsu teacher) that I briefly dated and who is still a friend today. I would end up liking one guy more than the rest and kind of let the other men fall off slowly. I would not make a big deal about it and tell them to stop calling or anything. I did end up with a few great guy friends, one who even attended my wedding and we still talk all these years later. I spoke to him recently and he is still single but he has a kid now. The night DH and I had our first date it only happened because the man I had a second dinner date with (Ph. D guy with his own place & no kids) had to work late. I knew that DH had me sprung when I did not even realize that I had not called that guy back (and he had not called me to reschedule dinner). On our first date that guy cooked for me (yes, I went to his place and saw him so it wasn't take out) but I guess he wasn't that interested since I didn't hear from him again. I don't recommend at home dates but I did make an exception due to his work schedule. DH wanted to be exclusive after 3 months and the other guys that I was seeing were cut off pretty quick. One guy at that time really had no marriage potential but he was a bit younger than me and loads of fun, pharmaceutical sales rep with his own place. Another was older than me & in the IT field and had just moved back to NY from W VA (recently had dumped a White woman). By that time I was dating with the idea of marriage in mind. By month four DH was talking marriage, serious not just talk, so I stopped taking numbers. DH is actually the only man who EVER told me that he was not dating other women and he asked me to stop dating others. DH and I worked for the same law firm for 3.5 years before he asked me out so he knew that I dated a lot since he saw me with some of my dates over the years who picked me up or dropped me off in front of the office building....including jujitsu guy after lunch which prompted DH to ask for exclusivity although it wasn't even a "date" but payback for a favor. The other men that I was dating did not even ask if I was seeing other man. I probably would have been honest, had they asked, and said that I had other plans but I would not rub it in their face and say that I had a date with another man. I think it's crazy to date only 1 man at a time if you're single. I do not recommend sex with multiple men at all.....but definitely date in groups of at least 3....and have fun.

I just love your posts and I agree with everything you said here! It's funny, my cousin who is 39 and has been married for 10 yrs has said the same thing about how much the dating scene has changed according to her friends. It's ridiculous and a woman has to stand her ground and it's worse the younger the men.

There are things that are just a given with me based on my personality, demeanor and look. Every guy I have dated has made it a point to take me somewhere special and nice, get me flowers, wine etc. Go hard or gtfoh is my motto.

 

[lux10023]

^^ ditto upon meeting a certain caliber of women you know what time it is...a dude knows who is dealing with....i dont think dating has changed that much i do think women have changed a lot in what we are allowing....

if i didn't witness this stuff on reality tv i wouldn't believe it was happening...and the game changed when proposing to a man became popular....smdh

 

[bklynbornNbred]

I don't want to put words in Holla's mouth but to me there is a HUGE difference between dating the same man for 9 years and navigating the dating world in 2014. What you did during year 9 with ex dude is not where you start with next one. OP needs to understand that and start back at 1.

All that the texting/Fb contact is fine when you have years behind you and it's just a vehicle for communication but right now you're not even a neophyte you're on line and you need to be open to the feedback from others that have not been chilling in relationships.

I'm not saying you explicitly did anything wrong but I'm concerned with what you didn't share. Nine years in a solid relationship can leave you mentally lazy when it comes to dating. This is why so many married women give the WORST dating advice. Its just not the same hustle. If you've been attracting the same guys then there is something off with your vetting process although I give you credit for cutting them off. Fall back for a moment from dating and see what if anything you need to address with yourself then start vetting for your team. Make them fight like it's the Hunger Games until the best man wins.

 

[greenmetro99]

Hey ladies I do appreciate your valuable input, and it’s always nice to hear other’s perspectives, so I do thank you positive motivating ladies. As for some of you, you come off very judgmental and condescending. This post was light hearted and just wasn’t that serious, but many of you ladies have judged me even though you do not know me at all, and that is rude.

If I was depressed and ready to jump, then some of your posts would have sent me right over the cliff lol. The way a person delivers a message means everything, and the negativity was just not needed. I can see why many people lurk the site and are scared to speak for the fear of being pounced.

I’m just a single lady navigating through the dating world of 2014. Since I spent most of my 20’s accomplishing various degrees and working, I’m sorry that marriage and kids was not my focus of life back then. With all the internet dating and social media ,the dating scene has definitely changed, and I simply wanted some conversation. I definitely did not come here to be psychoanalyzed based on a few paragraphs.

Take care Ladies

 

[Holla]

Hey ladies I do appreciate your valuable input, and it’s always nice to hear other’s perspectives, so I do thank you positive motivating ladies. As for some of you, you come off very judgmental and condescending. This post was light hearted and just wasn’t that serious, but many of you ladies have judged me even though you do not know me at all, and that is rude.

If I was depressed and ready to jump, then some of your posts would have sent me right over the cliff lol. The way a person delivers a message means everything, and the negativity was just not needed. I can see why many people lurk the site and are scared to speak for the fear of being pounced.

I’m just a single lady navigating through the dating world of 2014. Since I spent most of my 20’s accomplishing various degrees and working, I’m sorry that marriage and kids was not my focus of life back then. With all the internet dating and social media ,the dating scene has definitely changed, and I simply wanted some conversation. I definitely did not come here to be psychoanalyzed based on a few paragraphs.

Take care Ladies

I already spoke my peace about any negative feelings that may have been received (and not intended) by my own comments and add:

WOMEN SHOULD NOT COMMIT ANY ACT OF HARM TO THEMSELVES OVER RELATIONSHIP ISSUES.

It is not worth it.

In light of several sistas committing suicide lately due to their personal troubles (with the latest being a Miss Jessies co-founder), I take such comments VERY seriously. If someone is that depressed and almost to the edge, it is better to seek advice from a therapist and NOT strangers over the internet.

 

[Kurlee]

^^^ Or people could just be nicer, more refined and tactful since it's just the right and humane thing to do and because you never know what someone is going through.

 

[Holla]

^^^ Or people could just be nicer, more refined and tactful since it's just the right and humane thing to do and because you never know what someone is going through.

Everyone is going through something but relationships are no reason to jump over a cliff ....or make light of someone who would.

 

[Mortons]

Op there are plenty of folk who think of themselves as relationship gurus and go through the same BS. Dating can be a ridiculous game sometimes until you figure things out and get to the right one(s).

 

[WonderGirl2U]

Op there are plenty of folk who think of themselves as relationship gurus and go through the same BS. Dating can be a ridiculous game sometimes until you figure things out and get to the right one(s).

Awesome point! Sometimes it just takes a while for the light bulb to come on and for us to see things clearly !

 

[Dposh167]

I don't think it's right to judge the OP's 9 year relationship when you have no details behind it. She said she was dating him when she was in her 20s. Well if she started dating him at 20 and it lasted until 29...all while going to school, getting degrees, becoming your own adult and learning your place in the world, etc...then i can understand why marriage was on a backburner. They could have been on again/off again for 9 years. we don't know. And i'm not going to judge that. People get caught up too much in numbers sometimes before they hear the actual story behind it.

However, I get the point that because she was in a long term relationship, she came back into the dating world more blind. I totally get that!

 

[Holla]

The OP put in her post what she wanted people to know so that we could look at everything stated when deciding what advice to give. We (or at least I) know very little about her other than what she stated in her post. If she didn't want people to consider her prior long relationship or factor that in, then she had the option to leave that out. We realize that not everything about our lives is relevant when seeking advice. So we each pick and choose what we feel is relevant to preface a discussion before seeking advice. Given that every OP is selective about what they include when seeking advice, I would think that everything shared is all up for discussion.

On a related note, I feel like some people start threads (not the OP necessarily) because they want people to agree with them and confirm what they have been thinking/feeling. Without stating it, they are not seeking out differing opinions or questions about any assumptions. Like seeking advice that is supposed to be only reassuring. Other threads/comments have had that kind of undertone. This reminds me of the woman who started a thread asking for advice about licking her boyfriend's behind; she was shocked when other women questioned (and many made fun) of her actions. She didn't think people would question her assumptions or differ from her thinking.

That's fine. Some people who only want that will state as much. Those who don't state as much should, at the very least, expect it when asking a group of strangers.

 

[bklynbornNbred]

Wasn't judging you at all just pointing out that being in a relationship with one man is not the same as dating/interviewing the next man you'd like to have in that position. Good luck.

 

[CaraWalker]

Op there are plenty of folk who think of themselves as relationship gurus and go through the same BS. Dating can be a ridiculous game sometimes until you figure things out and get to the right one(s).

well i also think that its dating is kind of flakey in general. like i dont have an issue with the tug of war date planning stage but there is a problem with like... the planning stage goes so automatically that half the time its a toss up on whether or not he'll cancel. so the same problems can manifest themselves different ways

 

[Fine 4s]

Everyone is going through something but relationships are no reason to jump over a cliff ....or make light of someone who would.

A good point stated above about how some folks communicate.
They probably don't even mean to come off as such, that is just how they talk to everyone IRL maybe? or perhaps e-gangstah? But what if someone was really on the edge? Hmmm....I'll consider that before I respond to folks. That's a good way to test your words I suppose.

Some would argue that NOTHING on this earth is worth taking your own life but folks still do it. I don't think anyone is in a position to say how someone should or shouldn't be affected by relationships or anything else in this world. You can wish that they didn't but...

Anyway, we are getting way off topic it's all love....I hope.

 

[Holla]

A good point stated above about how some folks communicate.
They probably don't even mean to come off as such, that is just how they talk to everyone IRL maybe? or perhaps e-gangstah? But what if someone was really on the edge? Hmmm....I'll consider that before I respond to folks. That's a good way to test your words I suppose.

Some would argue that NOTHING on this earth is worth taking your own life but folks still do it. I don't think anyone is in a position to say how someone should or shouldn't be affected by relationships or anything else in this world. You can wish that they didn't but...

Anyway, we are getting way off topic it's all love....I hope.

I'm not saying they shouldn't be affected by it emotionally because people can't help how they feel. I was saying that they shouldn't harm themselves physically over it.

 

[Kurlee]

Everyone is going through something but relationships are no reason to jump over a cliff ....or make light of someone who would.

You just don't get it ?!

 

[MixedBerry]

Hey ladies I do appreciate your valuable input, and it’s always nice to hear other’s perspectives, so I do thank you positive motivating ladies. As for some of you, you come off very judgmental and condescending. This post was light hearted and just wasn’t that serious, but many of you ladies have judged me even though you do not know me at all, and that is rude.

If I was depressed and ready to jump, then some of your posts would have sent me right over the cliff lol. The way a person delivers a message means everything, and the negativity was just not needed. I can see why many people lurk the site and are scared to speak for the fear of being pounced.

I’m just a single lady navigating through the dating world of 2014. Since I spent most of my 20’s accomplishing various degrees and working, I’m sorry that marriage and kids was not my focus of life back then. With all the internet dating and social media ,the dating scene has definitely changed, and I simply wanted some conversation. I definitely did not come here to be psychoanalyzed based on a few paragraphs.

Take care Ladies

 

[greenmetro99]

Mixed berry, It is obvious that you are simply minded so I won't waste any time on you lol.

 

[AnjelLuvs]

Online communication can be sooo freaking tricky... I read some of the post and although they may have had a snarky connotation, if I smiled at comment it became a "girl don't let these fools get to you", fun sarcastic type comment...

BTW, I enjoyed most of commentary being a single gal and all...

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

It got so extra in here. People really want to pick apart the ex, but OP presented her current dating dilemmas instead. Now she should get to know people before dating, dismiss men but not tell them the reason, etc. Since when is stating mere facts trying to re-teach or fix a man? Pure silliness. She hasn't said anything not said before.

 

[greenmetro99]

Thanks for the conversation ladies. Some of you all are wonderful, nice sisters and it was great to hear your input!



Unfortunately, I don't have time for the mean girls and cowards....Some of you sound bitter and unhappy so you might want to fix your own problems instead. Your negativity is like venom and I don't want any parts of it.



I might be single, but I'm happy, blessed, and I know how to treat others and not tear them down so I live a good life. You should try that! Being the angry Black woman type is not cute ..... I assumed that ladies in this room were mature and nice enough to chat with, but I was wrong and my message was just bait for the cowards to attack! So kudos to you for making yourself look bad!



Anyhow, im deleting my thread and comments. Good luck to the rest of the single gals and be blessed !!!!!!