Help a single sista out..... I dont get it

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greenmetro99

Well-Known Member
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Thanks for the conversation ladies. Some of you all are wonderful, nice sisters and it was great to hear your input:spinning:.

Unfortunately, I don't have time for the mean girls and cowards....Some of you sound bitter and unhappy so you might want to fix your own problems instead. Your negativity is like venom and I don't want any parts of it.

I might be single, but I'm happy, blessed, and I know how to treat others and not tear them down so I live a good life. You should try that! Being the angry Black woman type is not cute :nono:..... I assumed that ladies in this room were mature and nice enough to chat with, but I was wrong and my message was just bait for the cowards to attack! So kudos to you for making yourself look bad :up:.

Anyhow, im deleting my thread and comments. Good luck to the rest of the single gals and be blessed !!!!!!
 
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It's a numbers game. The riff raff come with the territory. You seem good at weeding them out. Just keep meeting men and keep being discerning.
 
ignore anything with sexual overtones. dont address it and dont go out with guys that do it. you shouldnt have to say anything is going to be "g-rated." you convey that by simply refusing to entertain it. the very fact that you are trying to tell these guys what should be understood is a recipe for failure; obviously they arent doing it already and telling them isnt going to fix it. its either going to make them try to convince you or decide they dont want to try anymore with you at all, which is exactly the outcome you are getting.

this is not something i deal with because if i want to date a guy ie am not looking for a hookup, i dont date guys that talk to me, or plan things with me, in a way that indicates they clearly want to sleep with me.
 
Don't be discouraged, stick to your standards and look at these experiences as a way of weeding out the bad apples. A man that's really serious about you will fall in line with your standards (whether he initially wants to or not, lol :look:).
It sounds like your on the right track by not falling for the okie-doke (chillin at the house, etc...). The dating game is so different now days even when you've found a good one...best of luck.
 
that was a real ***** move for him to cancel the plans he made over facebook! what the hell!
 
You are not taking the time to get to know them before dating them. If you took some time, you would know if dude was a homebody, city slicker, or bum. Men don't suddenly go from being social on a regular to twiddling their thumbs when asked about date night. You want to identify and meet guys who have active social lives, hobbies or even gatherings with mixed friends on a regular. Guys who don't do that (e.g., those who go from home to work to home six days a week) are not dating material for you. Those are homebodies and not the men for you. Some women want to date homebodies; you are not one of them. So find out if a man meets your desires before you date him. You should get to know the men before dating them.

Also, I don't personally believe that a grown woman can date a man for a decade and then state she knows how to be courted by a man. That is a whole other thread and off topic from this one so I won't elaborate but it did stick out to me.
 
just think about it, does it make sense that you should be telling a grown man how to treat a woman? if a grown man doesnt already know that how are you going to enlighten him? and if he does know that and is choosing not to treat you accordingly its not someone you should want to be dating in the first place.
 
He just wanted sex and yes most of these dudes wont even try to court you they go straight to sex.the problem is that most attractive professional men (i know ) claim they want to get married when in reality they think they re too good to settle down and have a myriad of options .
If a guy invite you to his house:
In the afternoon probably to "chill" and talk
At 1900 for dinner or friendly chat and possibly sex .
after 11pm its for sex Only.
 
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CaraWalker said:
just think about it, does it make sense that you should be telling a grown man how to treat a woman? if a grown man doesnt already know that how are you going to enlighten him? and if he does know that and is choosing not to treat you accordingly its not someone you should want to be dating in the first place.
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Thanks for the response....But im not quite sure what you mean. I don't see how I told any one how to treat me..... I told dude I need plans in advanced.....I would tell anyone that.
 
Kindheart said:
He just wanted sex and yes most of these dudes wont even try to court you they go straight to sex.the problem is that most attractive professional men (i know ) claim they want to get married when in reality they think they re too good to settle down and have a myriad of options .
If a guy invite you to his house:
In the afternoon probably to "chill" and talk
At 1900 for dinner or friendly chat and possibly sex .
after 11pm its for sex Only.
Click to expand...

Both guys have invited me to their house in the evening hours.... Not going to happen.... I have to know a person well before I go to their homes. One guy told me I should just stop by lol.... Stop by for what?
 
Are you only dating one guy at a time? That's a waste of time. You need the rotation. When your rotation game is strong, the riffraff fall by the wayside.

You should be dating (not sleeping with) 3 guys at a time, replacing them as needed. The cream rises to the top.
 
Holla said:
You are not taking the time to get to know them before dating them. If you took some time, you would know if dude was a homebody, city slicker, or bum. Men don't suddenly go from being social on a regular to twiddling their thumbs when asked about date night. You want to identify and meet guys who have active social lives, hobbies or even gatherings with mixed friends on a regular. Guys who don't do that (e.g., those who go from home to work to home six days a week) are not dating material for you. Those are homebodies and not the men for you. Some women want to date homebodies; you are not one of them. So find out if a man meets your desires before you date him. You should get to know the men before dating them.

Also, I don't personally believe that a grown woman can date a man for a decade and then state she knows how to be courted by a man. That is a whole other thread and off topic from this one so I won't elaborate but it did stick out to me.
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lol Yes, I definitely know how to be courted and treated well by a man..... but I do appreciate your input on the rest!
 
SmileyNY said:
Are you only dating one guy at a time? That's a waste of time. You need the rotation. When your rotation game is strong, the riffraff fall by the wayside.

You should be dating (not sleeping with) 3 guys at a time, replacing them as needed. The cream rises to the top.
Click to expand...


Hi, no I talk to multiple men at once. I rarely get my feelings set on one guy. I just noticed a pattern that I am attracting similar men. I want to break this pattern!
 
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Thanks for the conversation ladies. Some of you all are wonderful, nice sisters and it was great to hear your input:spinning:.

Unfortunately, I don't have time for the mean girls and cowards....Some of you sound bitter and unhappy so you might want to fix your own problems instead. Your negativity is like venom and I don't want any parts of it.

I might be single, but I'm happy, blessed, and I know how to treat others and not tear them down so I live a good life. You should try that! Being the angry Black woman type is not cute :nono:..... I assumed that ladies in this room were mature and nice enough to chat with, but I was wrong and my message was just bait for the cowards to attack! So kudos to you for making yourself look bad :up:.

Anyhow, im deleting my thread and comments. Good luck to the rest of the single gals and be blessed !!!!!!
 
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Holla why you say she doesnt know how to be courted . Personally , i had a few men treating me like royalty before my husband ,i was spoiled but didnt work out mostly because of timing on my part. i dont understand your point ,she had a great man for 9 years and didnt work out.
 
Thanks for the conversation ladies. Some of you all are wonderful, nice sisters and it was great to hear your input:spinning:.

Unfortunately, I don't have time for the mean girls and cowards....Some of you sound bitter and unhappy so you might want to fix your own problems instead. Your negativity is like venom and I don't want any parts of it.

I might be single, but I'm happy, blessed, and I know how to treat others and not tear them down so I live a good life. You should try that! Being the angry Black woman type is not cute :nono:..... I assumed that ladies in this room were mature and nice enough to chat with, but I was wrong and my message was just bait for the cowards to attack! So kudos to you for making yourself look bad :up:.

Anyhow, im deleting my thread and comments. Good luck to the rest of the single gals and be blessed !!!!!!
 
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Kindheart said:
@Holla why you say she doesnt know how to be courted . Personally , i had a few men treating me like royalty before my husband ,i was spoiled but didnt work out mostly because of timing on my part. i dont understand your point ,she had a great man for 9 years and didnt work out.
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Kindheart....I am not going to throw OP's thread off track. I'll just say that the time frame of dating for a decade was a BIG clue to me that they were not courting. People define "courting" differently and I do not define it according to being treated well or anything along those lines. That should be a minimum standard in dating or courting.
 
Thanks for the conversation ladies. Some of you all are wonderful, nice sisters and it was great to hear your input:spinning:.

Unfortunately, I don't have time for the mean girls and cowards....Some of you sound bitter and unhappy so you might want to fix your own problems instead. Your negativity is like venom and I don't want any parts of it.

I might be single, but I'm happy, blessed, and I know how to treat others and not tear them down so I live a good life. You should try that! Being the angry Black woman type is not cute :nono:..... I assumed that ladies in this room were mature and nice enough to chat with, but I was wrong and my message was just bait for the cowards to attack! So kudos to you for making yourself look bad :up:.

Anyhow, im deleting my thread and comments. Good luck to the rest of the single gals and be blessed !!!!!!
 
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SmileyNY said:
Are you only dating one guy at a time? That's a waste of time. You need the rotation. When your rotation game is strong, the riffraff fall by the wayside.

You should be dating (not sleeping with) 3 guys at a time, replacing them as needed. The cream rises to the top.
Click to expand...

How long after dating a man would it be okay to just "hang out" ? Also, I think it is smart to date more than one man at a time as long as you are not exclusive with any of them or sleeping with them. How can the average woman pull this off??? I know in theory it is the best thing to do, but how do I actually have the discipline and the ability to do it?

ETA: It seems hard enough to meet a really good prospect- the thought of finding and dating 3 really good ones seems challenging.
 
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greenmetro99 said:
And ladies don't get me wrong, I've talked to many men and went on many casual dates this year. 3 of the dudes even bought flowers lol...

I chose to discuss these 2 guys because they were most recent and very similar to each other in their dating style. I knew the latter of the 2 guys for 5 months before going out with him. The other guy I chatted with him on the phone consistently for 2 weeks before going to dinner and the movies with him. So I definitely take time to get to know the guys I spend time with...... And they both have similar social lives as myself.... They both volunteer, go to fundraisers, and professional events just like me! So I am selective. I just don't want to meet guys like this again.
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You will ALWAYS meet guys who are hustlers, homebodies, sexers, etc. That's a given. You just have to weed them out early.

As for Mr. October and Mr. December......you didn't know them. Especially not Mr. December if that's the one you claim you knew for five months but he was always texting and not calling; plus, you only went out with him one time. Over a period of five months, that should be unacceptable. You may have been acquainted but you didn't truly know him.

In October 2014 i was dating a professional man that tried to impress me with his job title and expensive car. After 2 dates, he called me up and invited me over his house with a bed room type pitch in his voice :blush::nono: lol..... I asked, why, for what???? I said "why dont you come to my neighborhood and take me on a date". He said "what we gonna do". I responded "what ever we are going to do will be rated G". Of course , i never heard from him again.....

Now december 2014, i was dealing with a simliar type of guy. 30 something, Black, educated, professional guy. He would text me and not call....I didnt take him serous at all. He would invite me out at the last minute and never made plans.... He always invited me to come visit him at his house. I only went out with him one time to a lounge. I told him that i dont date without plans, and i definitely don't hangout in houses! I told him if he would like to see me then he needs to make plans. He made plans for a date this Thursday.....

Last night he facebook me and said "sorry im not going anywhere this week and im not ready to date anyone".... I told him oh well, your loss. Then i deleted him! Why did he waste his time making a plan lol....
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greenmetro99 said:
Thanks for the response....But im not quite sure what you mean. I don't see how I told any one how to treat me..... I told dude I need plans in advanced.....I would tell anyone that.
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you are having to tell these guys what you do and dont do because they arent treating you the way you want. you shouldnt have to do that. the actual planning of dates should not be the biggest hurdle in a new relationship. this is the time when people should be figuring out how and how they are not compatible, not a tug of war on trying to get him to meet you in public.

the next time a guy gives you a hard time in the simple scheduling phase, move on immediately. they should not even have the opportunity to try to pull this crap.
 
Holla said:
You will ALWAYS meet guys who are hustlers, homebodies, sexers, etc. That's a given. You just have to weed them out early.
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This is a good point. I did learn this the hard way. But you know what? People come here for advice and to learn. No one is perfect. We have all made our fair share of mistakes in life. We just need to learn the lesson and move on WITHOUT incurring damage to our self esteems- because I guarantee you a man will make one million mistakes and will not let it damage his self esteem. We can do the same thing. And we can help each other see the light without being judgmental or condescending.

Some women here are fortunate to have married early. Some women were focused on other things- education, career, children, etc. and only now are serious about dating. But there's a season for everything, and with God's help, we can find the right men for us.
 
I don't know that those dudes are any different than some of the dudes I came across when I was younger. There will always be some who try it. Sounds like you're doing a good job weeding them out. Just stick with that. :yep:
 
WonderGirl2U said:
This is a good point. I did learn this the hard way. But you know what? People come here for advice and to learn. No one is perfect. We have all made our fair share of mistakes in life. We just need to learn the lesson and move on WITHOUT incurring damage to our self esteems- because I guarantee you a man will make one million mistakes and will not let it damage his self esteem. We can do the same thing. And we can help each other see the light without being judgmental or condescending.

Some women here are fortunate to have married early. Some women were focused on other things- education, career, children, etc. and only now are serious about dating. But there's a season for everything, and with God's help, we can find the right men for us.
Click to expand...

I'm not judging the OP and I apologize to the OP if my posts come across as condescending. I know you, @WonderGirl2U, are not speaking for the OP and although you indirectly stated that, your post was directed towards me.

In seeking advice, people also have to be cognizant of what patterns they have in their past and also seek to understand how those patterns affect their decisions (or even tolerance) towards certain things today.

That said, I sense that OP's decade long relationship has not allowed her to realize some things she may be doing with this next group of guys today (e.g., entertaining the last one with texts, no calls, and one date over period of five months and then being surprised that he cancelled their date at the last minute). If that is what she wants (some do!), that's fine. But it doesn't sound like that's what she wants from dating. I didn't elaborate on her prior relationship simply because I didn't get the sense that she was open to examining it.

Those two guys would have been a blip on other women's radars such that they would not have sought out advice as to their behavior. Hence my comment about always meeting men beneath her standards.
 
Kindheart said:
Holla why you say she doesnt know how to be courted . Personally , i had a few men treating me like royalty before my husband ,i was spoiled but didnt work out mostly because of timing on my part. i dont understand your point ,she had a great man for 9 years and didnt work out.
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This reminds me of something...
Some folks like to claim they know how to "teach" a man how to treat them when really, they just got lucky. Yes, some people know how to pick good partners but I don't believe that that's the case for all folks in a healthy relationship (as defined by both parties I guess...). Not to say this is your case OP, but in general I don't buy it.
That is all...
 
WonderGirl2U said:
This is a good point. I did learn this the hard way. But you know what? People come here for advice and to learn. No one is perfect. We have all made our fair share of mistakes in life. We just need to learn the lesson and move on WITHOUT incurring damage to our self esteems- because I guarantee you a man will make one million mistakes and will not let it damage his self esteem. We can do the same thing. And we can help each other see the light without being judgmental or condescending.

Some women here are fortunate to have married early. Some women were focused on other things- education, career, children, etc. and only now are serious about dating. But there's a season for everything, and with God's help, we can find the right men for us.
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Love it! 10 cha
 
I agree with Holla. Some things are bright red flags to some people, to others not so much. Nine years spent on one guy to me is a very long time. When I saw that I immediately thought what happened? Nine years and no marriage but he was wonderful and the relationship was great -- just didn't work out. I believe there is something to learn from what happened there. More examining needs to be done.

And the other two guys did not surprise, there was no full on courting or anything. One, just two dates. The other, just calling and texting. We all come from different points of view and see things differently. You try to be gentle and not step on toes. But for some of us a guy only texting and not asking for a date is like a crack head -- wouldn't spend any energy on them. But we also may put up with something that others see as foolishness or time-wasting. We're all different and at different places. Some of us try to help more deeply, some skim. Some of us come off as rude when we're really trying to help. Some are snarky and mean. IMO no one here has shown up to be mean, just different variations of trying to be helpful.

Either way, OP just keep it pushing. You will know when it's ok to hang out. You will be comfortable. I "hung out" with my dh after our first date :look: and now been married a long time. Like Fine 4s said too a lot of us were just lucky. Life is complicated whether we want it to be or not. And yes, a lot of men these days are cray -- 'tis all.
 
I'm sorry I'm not going anywhere this week? Lol he sounds broke :lachen:

That come to my house thing is so annoying
 
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