He went too far....

bunnie82

bunnie82

New Member
I am pissed, sad and hurt!

Before I get into the whole scenario, you all should know that I do not get along with my father, we do not speak to each other AT ALL....at a young age he told me that he didn't want a daughter and wanted a son....he used to be beat me- not spanking-beat, but beat-down-beat...punch, kick, slap etc....I was told that no matter what, i wouldn't amount to anything. I'd have a few kids and do absolutely nothing with my life.(I am not saying any of this to get sympathy from any of you, just giving you a little background.)

Okay...

So me and my boyfriend have been talking about marriage and things are getting REALLY serious. He is carribean but grew up in texas. He has a southern way of life and wanted to ask my father for my hand in marriage. I told him it was not a good idea, and that it didn't make any sense as I do not have a relationship with my father so why would it matter??? He kept insisting...and i kept saying NO....

Finally today he asks me to give him my father's phone number again! I say no!...he kept asking, so i tell him to call my mother and ask her for the number--i THOUGHT she wouldn't give up the number but she did. :nono: big mistake on my part.

So he calls my father and they are conversing...My father was saying nice things about me which I found STRANGE being that we do not communicate at all....Anyway....so since my father was saying nice things, my bf decided to LIE and say that I told him that i would LOVE for my father to walk me down the aisle.:blush:

I BEG YOUR PARDON! THAT IS ONE THING I WOULD NOT LIKE!
WTF WAS HE THINKING>>???!

When he told me what he had said, I was waiting for him to tell me that he was kidding.....but he wasn't kidding...
He said he was hoping that lie would get him to call me and want a relationship with me.

i INSTANTLY started bawling!!! who are YOU to try to rearrange and "fix" my life...He went too far and overstepped his boundaries...

my relationship with my father is just that - MY RELATIONSHIP...

What the hell did he think?! He would mend a 30 year broken relationship all in a 30 minute phone call????:ohwell:

He wants me to "try"...but i've tried, and i'm not trying anymore...i'm so over it.

I know he was only trying to help....but c'mon, that was not cool...AT ALL! He feels that since I wasn't molested, that I should be able to move on and overlook the past. At least I have a father...

I don't see it that way...:nono:
 
Ok if this is going to be your husband, he should respect your feelings and have your best interest at heart.

Sounds like he totally disregarded you and just did what he wanted. Not saying you should break up but he kinda sh#t on your feelings here. I would be quite upset.
 
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Perhaps now that you are 'getting married', your Dad's viewpoint has changed...not excusing bc I know THAT hurt runs deep!!! IJS....MAYBE, it won't be as bad as expected. Know this: I hold Parents and Adults accountable, whether they like it or not...was only offering an objective opinion! But, I feel you= F that!
I do love that the intended Groom asked your Dad for your hand in marriage...that's old school and speaks of his character ;) Dammit it all to H#ll that you and Pops aren't cool (you feel it's an effort wasted)...just revel in the fact that future DH loves you and do YOU! Future DH did his respect/due diligence (regardless of the result) but THAT Man values you IMO.
 
^^ that may be very well true The Girl, and you are right in some aspects, but its all about RESPECT also.

OP, I think that he should have respected your wishes because a big part of marriage is respect, understanding and becoming united as ONE.

At this point, you do not have a relationship with your abusive Father, and if it is YOUR wish that you do not want him involved, he NEEDS to respect that.
 
I'm so sorry your fh disregarded your feelings ,as well as, overstepped boundaries. I know he had good intentions but he really needs to know it is not his place to try to rearrange your life. I'd be upset and appalled too.

Hopefully this can be a learning lesson. I am glad he is traditional. I hope you guys are getting premarital counseling as well because it can help strengthen your future marriage. His actions with your dad can speak volume in the future. He doesn't have bad intentions but down the line similar situations could surface. That lie he told is messy and opened a can of worm that were none of his business fiance or not. Good luck on your future marriage. I know forgiving isn't easy and doesn't come quickly.
 
He did go too far and you have every reason to be upset. If you want to have a relationship with your father that is YOUR decision. No matter your FH's feelings about it he should leave it up to you. But honestly, as his future wife, YOUR feelings should come first to him. I would think your FH would want your wedding day to be as wonderful as possible and if your father's presence would cause you pain, FH should respect that and back off. Moreover, your dad is the parent, if he wants a relationship with you, HE should be the one to reach out. Why is your FH putting all the onus on you?

This is a pretty big issue IMO, OP because not only does your FH not understand you, but he doesn't respect your decisions, he manipulated the situation and put you in a situation you didn't want to be in.:nono::nono: I'd have a serious talking to with him.:yep: His actions now speak for what kind of husband he'll be in the future.
 
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OP my heart goes out to you lady. You are hurting and I wish that on no one. You said that your FH is from the south. That speaks volumes. I'm from the south & I do not believe or condone in abuse at all but I do believe In close familial relationships. Please talk it over with FH. Men are generally like this. It took my DH a few years of talking to before him always putting my feelings first. I'm not saying its right but the way men are raised to not cry nor show their own emotion and we expect them to consider ours when they are conditioned to ignore their own.

Forgiveness is not for your father, it's for you. It's vital to your healing process. Forgiving your dad will not erase what he did but it will propel you forward and put your focus on the beautiful future you have in store.

I believe FH had good intentions. It's a southern thing to ask the father's hand in marriage. He shouldn't have lied & he should have just asked for your hand & that's it. Walking you down the aisle is a lot to swallow cause it represents him giving his precious jewel away. It's a special daddy daughter moment & the way you feel about him, I know that's the last thing you want.

Well. I tried to be unbiased. Praying for you beautiful!
 
This is so sad. :(

Sounds like 'daddy' wants to be in the wedding and your SO opened the door for that. I would tell him to retract that invite and quick. I agree with what the poster said about forgiveness, but you shouldn't have to suffer him if you don't want to, especially on your wedding day.

Your SO totally railroaded you with this and I can understand why you feel that way you do. Does your SO know the details about the contentious relationship with your father? If so, I can't see why he would do that. You may want to look back at other instances of this happening and see whether this relationship is what you really want.

(eta:
i'm mad at the fact he feels because you were not molest, you should get over it.
Click to expand...
Thanks to OP below, because I didn't see that at first read. Since boyfriend knows everything, I would think this through really hard. What's going to happen at the family reunions? Is your dad automatically invited to the Christening/Birthday parties/etc.? I don't envy you right now) :bighug:
 
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i don't know OP, you really need to think this one through. i'm not going to be the one to tell you to leave, but this is serious. i see no good from it. you told him you were not cool with something, he insisted and did more harm than good. i'm mad at the fact he feels because you were not molest, you should get over it. he has disregarded everything you feel and have shared with him. he is not acting like a husband that would protect you. this isn't even about forgiveness and he shouldn't be playing Dr. Phil like that. i can't be unbiased and see his point at all. he has no point. you told him no. that should have been the end of the story. i have walked away from engagements and thank the Lord i was able to see what the real deal was before i walked down the aisle.

you really need to give all of this some serious thought. what else has he done? he has a very take over type of attitude in IMO. the red flags are waving.
 
Sometimes people who have not experienced abusive parents just cannot comprehend a situation like yours. It is just alien to them. They expect everything to be harmonious and hunky dory, when it's not. He does not understand and he was attempting to fix it.

You had no control over your father's treatment of you as a child, but as an adult you can control who has access to you- self preservation. He needs to understand that he needs to accept and respect your needs. You are an adult and you know what is best for you. Only you know what you went through with your father. No one has the right to tell you how to handle your own father. If you don't want him to walk you down the aisle then don't be forced into it. It may ruin your wedding.

I don't think there is any need to call off the wedding, as some seem to be implying. Be firm and let him understand that your mind is set on the matter and he needs to drop it. I would also suggest marriage counselling together. It will help him understand where you are coming from. Your SO cares and was attempting to fix things. Unfortunately he went about it the wrong way. He needs to understand that some things are beyond his fixing. Both of you just need to work at this relationship.
 
It sounds like your boyfriend must not know or grasp the extent of the broken relationship with or abuse from your father. Your boyfriend also may have thought it was okay to speak to your father and try to reconcile your relationship with your father after you told him to call your mother and ask her for the number. Why would you tell your boyfriend to do that if you ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY do not want ANYTHING to do with your father AT ALL? :confused:
 
This is strange. The thought of being voluntarily pally, pally with someone who physically, verbally and emotionally abused the person I love is just crazy.

I think you're right to be upset OP :bighug:
 
Your fh sounds annoying. Does he know the background btw you and your father? Why would he even want him in the wedding knowing that? I would be upset too. He disregarded your feelings to fulfill his desires. Thats selfish.
 
As a person who was also abused as a child, I'm shaking just reading this because if this happened to me, I'd fly into a rage like no other. I could not marry a person who would think that was ok, so wedding plans would go on a lengthy HIATUS, hopefully signaling to him the seriousness of his actions. I'm not suggesting you call off your wedding or end the relationship, I'm simply saying I can relate to how you feel and expressing how it would also make me feel. He obviously does not understand and I think it's important that he does understand and that he strongly supports you if the two of you are going to go forward together. Personally, this would be a deal breaker for me unless there was a serious change in attitude and actions on his part.
 
I would be livid! He had no right to do that. And since he decided to tell your dad about walking you down the aisle, he SHOULD be the ONE to tell your dad, that that was just overexcitement. I don't believe in holding grudges but I know what it is to be abused and feel worthless. Hence, why I am not on speaking terms with my dad now. It takes time to heal. Forgive your dad (if you haven't already) for his actions. People only know what they were taught or have seen so your dad could not be better than he was towards you. However, everything in life has consequences. He cannot expect Heathcliff Huxtable behavior if he was a HH sort of dad. I do not think you should call the wedding off but you must be sure your FH will not overstep his bounds again. I wish you all the best and tons of (((HUGS))).

BTW, since the weekend is here pamper yourself and get in some good workouts to relieve the stress of this situation.
 
I feel your pain. I DO NOT have a relationship with my father at all and if my fiance did this it would be a serious problems. But on the flip side I know my "dad" and just like he did to my sister he wouldn't show up. It's already been determined that my brother will be walking me down the aisle so no thanks "dad"...I'm good.

I really think counseling is the way to go. Not only to help you with your feelings but for a neutral party to help put this all in perspective for your FH. I think sometimes when people can't hear your pain/fears/frustrations and have it put out there by a neutral person---because that person has no dog in the fight---it helps them understand where you're coming from.

I'm not at a place where I can forgive my dad for all he did to us but I'm at a place of acceptance. It is what it is and the only thing I can control is me and how much I want the pain of the past to control my life..

I hope you will have time to work through it with your fiance and wish you all the best. It's a tough place to come from but I think you all can be ok if he's willing to work on it.
 
Oh this would burn me up.
I was getting to know someone (we hadn't known each other long) and we got on the subject of fathers and this person told me I should just "get over it" over my issues with my dad and his neglect and abuse of myself and my sister.

It really hurt to have someone just totally disregard how I felt so I truly understand. You have to tell him how hurt by your actions and he needs to consider your feelings and your wishes...
 
Old school? No, It seems he has some paternalistic rights or men overrule the feelings of women. I'm sure that he believes that family is family no matter and we should call them daily and take care of them no matter what. I don't know him but he gives me that kind of vibe.
 
Thank you so much for your responses ladies.
I can’t believe he did that ….I’m not talking to him right now, and not because I am “punishing” him but because I need to gather MYSELF. I did however write him a long email reiterating my feelings about the situation.

I am by no means thinking about leaving him/calling off the wedding. He wasn’t TRYING to stir up trouble and we have a WONDERFUL relationship….he just got ahead of himself…..WAYYYYY ahead of himself….and it was NOT cool….. I still can’t believe this happened! I was waiting for him to say JUST KIDDING….but yeah…..that never happened…:nono:

He said “Well maybe he’ll start calling you now, and want to be a part of your life.”
Nooooo babe….NO…..
If he wants to be a part of my life, he needs to do that on his own! He is a grown *** man! He shouldn’t have to be “pushed” and persuaded…..
And even if I was open to that, he STILL would not be walking me down the aisle….mending does not happen THAT quick. :nono:

I agree with bebezazueta completely! And that’s what I was explaining to my boyfriend. A father walking his daughter down the aisle is a sentimental moment. I am apparently not a “precious jewel” to him…he doesn’t call me, he doesn’t check on me ….NOTHIN….so why in the hell would I want him to walk me down the aisle!!! ????:perplexed

Ugghhhhh…I hate this guys….:sad:

I know he was only trying to help…..I hope now he see the seriousness in this. It is apparent that he didn’t take the situation serious, and felt that HE would be able to mend it bc he wants to be my hero….that’s bittersweet….and annoying….He kept saying “well at least you know your dad, you shouldn’t hold a grudge” He shouldn’t speak on something that he doesn’t understand….but that’s a man for ya….

Lucie GREAT idea- I am going to have HIM tell him that was an untruth…..

He understands that he is wrong and agreed that he overstepped his boundaries….
I just don’t feel that is enough for me right now, so I’m going to lay low a little bit….

Thanks so much for the support ladies….
 
ThirdEyeBeauty said:
Old school? No, It seems he has some paternalistic rights or men overrule the feelings of women. I'm sure that he believes that family is family no matter and we should call them daily and take care of them no matter what. I don't know him but he gives me that kind of vibe.
Click to expand...


You are absolutely right with this part. He is VERRRRRY close with his fam...and he expects me to be too....but my fam is the COMPLETE opposite of his and he just can'y understand that.
 
My good friend has a traditional husband. However, he respected his now wife wishes to not deal with her father who neglected her all these years. The father called and wanted to be in the wedding but real life is not television and her man left it at that. You may forgive and forget because it will help you overall but the husband is to stand by your side while you do that. That move he did disregarded you as his partner on his level. To test this theory ask if you did something similar to him, how would he feel? It doesn't have to be family--just something without regard to his feelings.
 
I swear, men just don't get it. reading through this thread that kept going through my head. They just don't get it.

Why do they feel the need to FIX things?

Did we say it was broken?

Did we ASK you to fix it?

You think I haven't CONSIDERED the situation myself and was just waiting for you to RIDE in on your MAJESTIC horse and save the day?

OMG, why didn't I THINK OF THAT? But thank God YOU did and everything is solved, voldemort is vanquished and now life is grand just rainbows and unicorns!

Boy, sit down!

UGH! boys suck.

But I hope he gets where you are coming from and you work it out.
 
He needs to respect your pain. It is not as if it never happened: it did happen. He also needs to give you the exclusive in decisions. Marriage is about taking decisions together. I would want to know precisely what are the motivations for his behavior.

Tradition is, in this case, a more superficial motivation than other possible ones.

The best one could be that he thought he would make you happy by magically fixing everything in your life in the happiest day for both, making your marriage a happily ever after. Taking responsibility for any your problems and eliminating them. In a clumsy way.

But what if it's not like that.
Try to see the reasons why he did this objectively. By objectively, I mean that the process could be extremely painful: it depends. You could all of a sudden discover that when it comes to decisions, he thinks only men can decide.

Trust is very important: is it there now from both parts? Communication is crucial: can he explain why he did this?
 
ivyness

LMAO!!!!

That is how I feel exactly!!! thank you so much for your post!!!

and no they do not get it!!! And he needs to stay on the passenger seat when it comes to things like this!!!
 
bunnie82 said:
He understands that he is wrong and agreed that he overstepped his boundaries….
Click to expand...

If this is true and he has apologized then I think you will be ok. To me it isn't even about your dad. It's about someone else thinking they know what's best for you and making decisions for you regardless of what you want. To me that is the point he needs to understand more than something specific about your father.

If you think he truly gets it that's great. If he doesn't understand that he disrepected you, I think some more work needs to be done.
 
bunnie82 said:
ivyness

LMAO!!!!

That is how I feel exactly!!! thank you so much for your post!!!

and no they do not get it!!! And he needs to stay on the passenger seat when it comes to things like this!!!
Click to expand...

bunnie82 I am SLOWLY starting to realize that while they do love us, men are more big picture. They don't focus on the specific details like we do (eg. That is not the actual problem, THIS is. And till THIS is addressed I am still mad).

When I work out how to get this through to them, I will share.

But they (and HE) really do mean well. I bet you he is a bit grumpy you were not all over him thanking him for FIXING things. *side eye*
 
ivyness said:
@bunnie82 I am SLOWLY starting to realize that while they do love us, men are more big picture. They don't focus on the specific details like we do (eg. That is not the actual problem, THIS is. And till THIS is addressed I am still mad).

When I work out how to get this through to them, I will share.

But they (and HE) really do mean well. I bet you he is a bit grumpy you were not all over him thanking him for FIXING things. *side eye*
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ivyness

Have you been reading the same book i've been reading??? :lol:

I'm learning that as well.

yeah he probably was upset when we got off the phone...bc throughout the entire phone call he was trying to justify his actions....ummm NO BOO you were wrong....
 
bunnie82 said:
ivyness

Have you been reading the same book i've been reading??? :lol:

I'm learning that as well.

yeah he probably was upset when we got off the phone...bc throughout the entire phone call he was trying to justify his actions....ummm NO BOO you were wrong....
Click to expand...

bunnie82 I wish it was a book. This epiphany came to me while driving home yesterday morning. I could not understand why we were not getting through to each other!! Now I do. We were focussing on different things!!

All I have to do now is hit him over the head with a brick till HE gets it.

He will try to justify it, to the point where you think YOU are being unreasonable. If it is important to you, you are not being unreasonable.

PS our issue is not even close to being as big a deal as yours is. it's biggish (mediumish) but I think father/daughter relationships are particularly sacred.
 
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