He Went Through My Phone, Should I Be Upset?

swtpea

swtpea

Well-Known Member
Last week I caught my bf going through my phone. This is not the first time it has happened. I caught him reading through messages between me and my long time friend (male). There was nothing inappropriate in the messages, but my boyfriend is mad at me for being mad at him. He thinks that it is cause for suspicion that I'm so angry. I'm angry because I feel that he does not trust me. He also does not respect my privacy. Without trust/respect there is no foundation to our relationship.

I realize this is super childish, and I cannot believe this is even an issue that we are having since we both are in our 30s. Unless he can acknowledge his actions I do not think I can move forward.

Am I over-reacting? I haven't talked to him in several days because it keeps turning into an argument about why I'm so upset if I have nothing to hide.
 
It's unfortunate. I know I prob couldn't handle it if my dh's bff was a woman. Just being honest. We probably wouldn't have gotten engaged and married if he'd had a bff of the opposite sex. I'm just being honest. He's still wrong for not respecting your privacy though.
 
No one has the right to do that unless you give them permission. It is an invasion of privacy and should not be tolerated from ANYONE (unless you're missing or kidnapped and are looking for clues).

Lock your phone AND re-evaluate the relationship. Personally, that would be a deal breaker for me unless we had been together for a long time, i.e 5 or more years and we had no other issues. Even then, I'd watch his ass like a hawk.
 
swtpea said:
T

This is exactly my point. The act is indicative of other problems to me. I realize I could lock my phone, but I don't think that I should have to. Where's the trust?
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You should ALWAYS password protect your device. It is more than a matter of trust. It is strongly advised by professionals to protect your data. You wouldn't leave your front door unlocked and it is the same for your mobile phone or similar electronics.
 
Wtf wrong with him?

And then to try to turn the tables???? There's more going on here. Hell, I don't even lock my phone around dh. It'll ring and I'll fuss at him for not answering it sometimes. He treats it like toxic waste that he doesn't want to touch.

Why is he going through your phone? He knows your friend is a guy. If he has a problem with that he needs to decide if he can live with that.

I couldn't be with someone like that.
 
Gurlllllll..................

1. Lock your phone. It can be picked up by anyone (besides this here fool) and they would have the key to your LIFE. LOCK THAT PHONE. NOW!!!

2. Leave that fool now. Why? Because if he is doing this nonsense now, what is he going to be like if you guys get married? Will he be following you to work? Have spy cams in your home? Bug your home phones? Tracking software on your computers and phones? Get out now while you can. This has no place to go but down. Normal adults don't act like this.
 
o_O I would EXPECT my husband to be upset with me if he caught me going through is phone. :nono: If you don't feel like you can move forward without him acknowledging his actions, go with your gut. IMO, ending a relationship over a deal breaker is MUCH better than harboring resentment because you've given him the false impression that you've forgiven and forgotten.
 
I periodically look through my husband's call log- I'm curious about how much he talks to his twin brother because we have a history of him really getting caught up in his brother's mess. He can go through my phone if he wants, but doesn't.

At the same time, I don't text other men, besides family members, and he doesn't text any female "friends". That's just been our policy since we became serious, that we don't have close friendships with people of the opposite sex. I don't go out to lunch/ dinner one-on-one with men in my age range, and vice versa for him. Some may say we're overprotective of what we share, but 18 years and 4 kids later, I can say it's worked well for us.

Now, if he was my boyfriend and we were not seriously committed, i.e. getting married, than I would not be comfortable with it at all.
 
It seems like this is something that you guys worked out together, and it works for you. But OP has said that she's told him before not to do it and he still does. That's a problem.

Holla4mom said:
I periodically look through my husband's call log- I'm curious about how much he talks to his twin brother because we have a history of him really getting caught up in his brother's mess. He can go through my phone if he wants, but doesn't.

At the same time, I don't text other men, besides family members, and he doesn't text any female "friends". That's just been our policy since we became serious, that we don't have close friendships with people of the opposite sex. I don't go out to lunch/ dinner one-on-one with men in my age range, and vice versa for him. Some may say we're overprotective of what we share, but 18 years and 4 kids later, I can say it's worked well for us.

Now, if he was my boyfriend and we were not seriously committed, i.e. getting married, than I would not be comfortable with it at all.
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Holla4mom said:
I periodically look through my husband's call log- I'm curious about how much he talks to his twin brother because we have a history of him really getting caught up in his brother's mess. He can go through my phone if he wants, but doesn't.

At the same time, I don't text other men, besides family members, and he doesn't text any female "friends". That's just been our policy since we became serious, that we don't have close friendships with people of the opposite sex. I don't go out to lunch/ dinner one-on-one with men in my age range, and vice versa for him. Some may say we're overprotective of what we share, but 18 years and 4 kids later, I can say it's worked well for us.

Now, if he was my boyfriend and we were not seriously committed, i.e. getting married, than I would not be comfortable with it at all.
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I've known my friend 3 times longer than I have my boyfriend. He got in a relationship with me knowing that my best friend was a guy. It's a little late for him to feel that he's not comfortable with our friendship.
 
I don't get what the big deal is.

If you're a couple then who cares if the other person looks through your phone? Unless you have something to hide.

I feel like a lot of these responses are because OP is a woman. If your man locked his phone and went off on you for looking through it we would unanimously determine that he was hiding something. Especially if it involved you seeing his interactions with another woman!

He is obviously interested or insecure about this relationship with your guy friend so rather than locking him out why not give him full access so that he feels comfortable? That's what you do with people you love right? I would want my SO to have full access to my stuff and would rather that he go through it until he feels comfortable/secure enough not to have to.

Some people are insecure because of what they have previously experienced, done, or by what we are portraying. (If he's met the guy he could also be suspect of his intentions rather than yours).
 
You need to set the boundaries that will accommodate your relationship, only if you think it is worth it. Snoping can indicate two different things, he is feeling insecure within the relationship or he has a deeper issue with trust. If he is feeling insecure and you believe this relationship is worth saving than he needs to form a relationship with your best friend. Hopefully, he will eventually see him as a non threat. Something with the bond you have with your best friend is. not sitting well with SO. I also think you need to lock your phone. Locking the phone is enforcing your stance on privacy. He will either accept it or he will leave.

If he is unable to trust you for a deeper reason you need to run!
 
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@CoilyFields, my SO and I have been together almost 16 years. We have no secrets and he has full access. A BOYFRIEND of 1 year does NOT warrant the access of a DH or long term SO.

I can't speak for anyone else, but my phone has lots of private/personnel stuff on it. Financial, medical, legal, hell even my period and my diary. None of that is info a boyfriend should be seeing.

He needs to get a grip on himself and step back. And if he can't, she needs to walk away from his foolishness.

And yes, I'd give the same advise to a man if the tables were turned.
 
CoilyFields said:
I don't get what the big deal is.

If you're a couple then who cares if the other person looks through your phone? Unless you have something to hide.

I feel like a lot of these responses are because OP is a woman. If your man locked his phone and went off on you for looking through it we would unanimously determine that he was hiding something. Especially if it involved you seeing his interactions with another woman!

He is obviously interested or insecure about this relationship with your guy friend so rather than locking him out why not give him full access so that he feels comfortable? That's what you do with people you love right? I would want my SO to have full access to my stuff and would rather that he go through it until he feels comfortable/secure enough not to have to.

Some people are insecure because of what they have previously experienced, done, or by what we are portraying. (If he's met the guy he could also be suspect of his intentions rather than yours).
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But where would it end? It would have been one thing if she'd done something specific or if he'd caught her in a lie, but it sounds like he doesn't trust her on G.P. Making insecure people feel secure is an exhausting, never-ending battle and, when asked, I have most DEFINITELY advised men against it.
 
curlicarib said:
@CoilyFields, my SO and I have been together almost 16 years. We have no secrets and he has full access. A BOYFRIEND of 1 year does NOT warrant the access of a DH or long term SO.

I can't speak for anyone else, but my phone has lots of private/personnel stuff on it. Financial, medical, legal, hell even my period and my diary. None of that is info a boyfriend should be seeing.

He needs to get a grip on himself and step back. And if he can't, she needs to walk away from his foolishness.

And yes, I'd give the same advise to a man if the tables were turned.
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@curlicarib

A boyfriend of 1 year is well past the time of keeping your phone secret.

I see this as something that far proceeds other privileges that are introduced to a boyfriend at the one year mark, such as him having a spare key to your house, driving your car, general access etc. I mean, if you've been sharing your body with someone for a year...is your phone more precious than that? OP wasn't talking about him trying to figure out her ss#, he was reading text messages.
 
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