He Wants Kids...

[Rastafarai]

...and wants to start TTC as early as next month and as late as early next year. I was given an ultimatum too: have a child or he will find someone to have a child for him. He says he isn't the type to "wait around" and that he is already "talking" to individuals, one of whom he has dated in the past, about starting a family.

He tells me I am his #1 choice for who he wants to have his kids, but if I cannot and will not be willing to start within his timeline, he doesn't think it will work. He says he loves me.

A few specifics:

- He's 24 years of age and "doesn't want him and I to get too old" and not be able to have children. I am 25 years of age.

- He makes considerably less than I do and does not have the support structure in place to bring about any child. His response: "have faith in me...we will have 9 months to get things in order, emphasis on "we" (ie, falling on my own income to get things in place).


I am being asked to put my career plans on hold for his needs and his wants and quite frankly, I am in no position to start a family, especially outside a marriage. He says marriage will come and that I need to wait.

Am I wrong to feel some sort of way about this? He says he loves and cares and blah blah, but is treating me as an option. Is this what commitment and love is all about?

 

[deltagyrl]

Are you married?

DO. NOT. PASS. GO.

 

[Tylove101]

Well tell him... Children will come and he needs to wait! Don't do it! If he runs and find someone else.... then thank God for that blessing!

... He says marriage will come and that I need to wait.

 

[lesedi]

He is talking to other females about them starting a family??
He is not financially ready??
He is issuing an ultimatum??
He told you are an option??

HE CANNOT BE SERIOUS.

 

[cheetarah1980]

I don't understand why there's even a question. "Have my baby, but marriage can come later"...

 

[AngieB]

He has lost his mind. Marriage first and baby will come later......and if he has "others" in mind ... tell him to keep it movin then....

 

[Keen]

HE wants you to put your career on hold.
HE wants you to WAIT for marriage.

What about your needs, where do they come into play? Let him exercise his options. Apparently he doesn't care about what you want.

 

[Rastafarai]

I told him having children is as serious as marriage and that he will need to have the sit down with my parents, particularly with my father to express his intentions. This scared him. I'm just taken aback by the sudden time constraints. First it was by 30, now its by next year. I don't get it.

 

[Curlybeauty]

There has to be a reason why you are torn between common sense and this foolishness.

 

[Magnolia85]

WoW..he needs to hit the door.

He already has prospects lined up and your still comtemplating this? Tell him to pack his s***

 

[Misseyl]

Girl, run for the hills..He's not talking marriage but he wants to start a family, let him find that with someone else.

 

[Rastafarai]

He is talking to other females about them starting a family??
He is not financially ready??
He is issuing an ultimatum??
He told you are an option??

HE CANNOT BE SERIOUS.

The bolded was the most troubling. We had a little falling out and didn't talk for a few days and supposedly within that timeframe he was talking to folks to "get his mind off things" which got him to reconsider his needs.

I'm pretty certain the other woman or women are willing to bear his child(ren) sooner rather than later. Supposedly I need to step up to the plate too or risk losing him. erplexed

 

[Bunny77]

There has to be a reason why you are torn between common sense and this foolishness.

Yeah, I really can't see why any woman with a lick of common sense would be confused about what to do in this situation. erplexed

 

[Chocolatelove2010]

This man is Selfish. He's not thinking about you or even the children he wants to bring into the world... with his broke a$$.

I'd advice you to KIM. A relationship should not be based on me me me.

Oh, and let me get this right. He wants you to have his baby, but he's not ready to commit.

How can you even like this man?

 

[Rastafarai]

There has to be a reason why you are torn between common sense and this foolishness.

My feelings, ultimately. I want to make it work but not if he's disrespecting me and our relationship like this and making demands. Don't think he'll be open to compromise either.

 

[deltagyrl]

Ok, I re-read the op and you're not married. WTF? Run, don't walk. He's nuts.

 

[LunadeMiel]

OP, I say this is the saddest, most exhausted voice possible...but are you serious ? *sigh* You really want to know if you are taking this wrong? Please tell me you're joking...

 

[Rastafarai]

Yeah, I really can't see why any woman with a lick of common sense would be confused about what to do in this situation. erplexed

I know what needs doing but wanted to hear objective opinions on the matter. I'm still in shock over this. This was coming from a man who was talking about marriage, building a future together and waiting to have kids.

Now he's flipped the script and I'm just speechless.

 

[JustKiya]

You're joking, right? He can't support a family, won't marry you, and has other chicks lined up to procreate with, AND gave you an ultimatum? Uh, that's four reasons to toss him the dueces. Why would any woman with an education, a career, and even a SMIGDEN of sense consider this madness?
ETA: Loving someone/having feelings for someone is NOT enough of a reason to be in a relationship with them, or to have their child. Folks settling for the most basic of things - and the one that evaporates the easiest. Oh, hayell no.
I'd be scared to bring this stupidity to someones parents, too.

Girl, RUN! pure d foolishness.

 

[frizzy]

Wow, this is absolutely crazy! It doesn't sound like he cares much about you, other than being an incubator for his desperate need for a child.

Please don't do this.

 

[Radianthealth]

This has to be a joke

On this board...

Really you ask these questions????

 

[LunadeMiel]

I know what needs doing but wanted to hear objective opinions on the matter. I'm still in shock over this. This was coming from a man who was talking about marriage, building a future together and waiting to have kids.

Now he's flipped the script and I'm just speechless.

so you do recognize that this fool is crazy?

 

[Charz]

Must be April Fools in the Relationship Forum.

 

[Goombay_Summer]

Hmmmm...........he wants to make you the mother of his illegitimate children aren't you the lucky one . Mr Johnny Apple 'seed' is definitely putting the chart before the horse, call me an old fashion kinda of gal but marriage ought to come first. The nerve of him asking you to make all of the monumental sacrifices when he doesn't have his act together . Since Mr. Apple 'seed' is nothing more than a glorified sperm donor at this point in time to any and everyone who's willing then he ought to keep it moving. In my estimation he has miles to go if he intendeds to start spreading his seeds all over the place there's a big country out yonder.

 

[Hil84figer]

I.don't.understand. Given all the facts, what is the question again?

 

[Rastafarai]

Thanks for your opnions ladies. Him and I are meeting today to talk face to face on the matter where I do intend on ending things, not only because I am not ready to have children but moreso because he disrespected me the way he has by entertaining discussions with other possible baby mothers.

The most disturbing thing is these women are willing to procreate without demanding marriage. I guess there is someone for everyone, huh? . I really wanted this to work too. I'm just so hurt.

 

[Curly CoCo]

I'd say run also. He's treatin u like youre some baby machine and got da nerve to give u da time limit? smh

 

[LadyPaniolo]

I understand this perfectly. BEFORE the fight, he was talking marriage and kids, in that order. Right after the fight all of a sudden he has a gaggle of women eagerly awaiting the chance to be his BM.

What you see before you is a man who is A. Terrified of losing you and B. Controlling. He wants you to be tied to him, he wants you to be forever his. The fact that you had this time apart shows that the relationship is not smooth sailing. Probably one of his stupid friends told him to get you pregnant. If you were knocked up you would be needy, insecure and vulnerable. And if you are begging him to marry you, who is holding all the cards? He is.

The man is shook that you will leave, and he thinks this will bring you to heel.

ETA: these other women who want his baby are probably imaginary. He wants you to THINK there are 5011 women eager to be his woman so that you will get scared and cling tightly to him.

Glad you will not believe the hype.

 

[Rastafarai]

so you do recognize that this fool is crazy?

I do recognize this. I guess I'm trying to understand why his sudden change in timeline. Just out of no where "I'm a man and I need a kid"

 

[Rastafarai]

I.don't.understand. Given all the facts, what is the question again?

Am I wrong to feel some sort of way about this?