HE that findth a "WIFE" findth a good thang!

[Crystalicequeen123]

I had to "position" myself to be found because my poor husband was so dense in the beginning!It took him MONTHS to realize that I liked him and then he had the nerve to tell me that he would have asked me out sooner if I had only made the fact that I was interested more obvious!

We met at school (Christian college) and I just knew he was the man for me, so you better believe I made sure to just-so-happen to be at all the same school functions, events, and bible studies that he was. I invited him to sit next to me in chapel, or to go out with a group of friends to a coffee shop, or have lunch me in the courtyard. I wasn't aggressive or desperate or pushy, I didn't go chasing him down, but I was out and about so he couldn't help but see me. I kept it lady like but I made myself known and after a while he took notice. I let him pursue me: the more he knew about me, the more he wanted to know; the more he spent time with me, the more he wanted to spend time with me; and the more he saw that I was a woman of God who eventually wanted a Godly husband, the more he wanted to make sure that he was that husband.

If I had kept to myself and not put myself in a position to be noticed, then I seriously doubt my shy DH would have asked me out of his own accord.

Good point! I do believe in at least making yourself "visible" in order to attract a guy. Not in a showy way of course, but just make sure he knows who you are type of way. You can't just expect some guy to just drop in your lap!

However, with the points in bold.... I'm a bit confused. Inviting him to sit down with you, or inviting him to hang out with you and your friends...isn't that kind of like pursuing HIM?? I guess I don't understand the difference between getting him to notice you, and actually aggressively pursuing the guy.

What is typically entailed when women talk about pursuing a guy or being "aggressive"? Because I figured that calling a guy, texting a guy, inviting a guy to hang out with you & friends (when he hasn't invited you out), and approaching him all the time at church would be sort of like pursuing him. But maybe I'm wrong?

I mean, some women don't do anything, and it seems like they still end up dating and getting married. But yet others flirt and do all things to attract a guy and some of them still don't end up snagging the guy. Does it depend on the guy? What constitutes as being "desperate" in your mind? I think I have a distorted view of this because all my life my mom always warned me about coming across as "desperate" or "needy", so it made me not even want to approach any guy. It made me afraid of even using my feminine charm to even attract any guy really. To this day I still don't think I really know how to talk to guys/men without feeling self-conscious or being afraid that they think/know that I like them, etc. My mom was of the belief that a guy would come out of nowhere and instantly be attracted to me, and want to date me.

So what is being "too aggressive" or "desperate" in your view? How can you "start the ball rolling" without appearing needy and coming off as a turn-off to the guy?

 

[SEMO]

I mean, some women don't do anything, and it seems like they still end up dating and getting married. But yet others flirt and do all things to attract a guy and some of them still don't end up snagging the guy. Does it depend on the guy? What constitutes as being "desperate" in your mind? I think I have a distorted view of this because all my life my mom always warned me about coming across as "desperate" or "needy", so it made me not even want to approach any guy. It made me afraid of even using my feminine charm to even attract any guy really. To this day I still don't think I really know how to talk to guys/men without feeling self-conscious or being afraid that they think/know that I like them, etc. My mom was of the belief that a guy would come out of nowhere and instantly be attracted to me, and want to date me.

So what is being "too aggressive" or "desperate" in your view? How can you "start the ball rolling" without appearing needy and coming off as a turn-off to the guy?

All of those are million dollar questions. But seeing as how I am still dateless I won't offer up any solutions. But I understand the bolded completely. Sometimes I wonder if I just seem unapproachable.

 

[Sunshine_One]

BUMPing.......

 

[Bunny77]

Another bump!

 

[Butterfly08]

Also, I like Michelle McKinney Hammond (I have several of her books), but despite all the books she writes, of which there are many, about relationships and how to get a man to marry you, she herself is still single. I think it would be wise to solicit advice from ladies successfully married, and not just singles.

 

[Butterfly08]

I also like all the advice he gave to RUTH. The world needs more BOAZs instead of Bozos!

 

[gn1g]

I was having this discussion with a few friends, one of which is the one that doesn't go anywhere and the other one who is a youngster and just left her live in boyfriend. The subject came up "about where to go and what to do". There is not a night life for christians?? I really don't have an answer for that. The youngster whose late 20's says the loneliness is overwhelming at times.

Do you all have any suggestions?

My advice was too always look your best whenever you leave the house, where ever you go. Go to all the places you have an interest in. Join groups and organizations that peak your interest. So I was somewhat at a lost but I did say check the weekend guide for things to do, and dallasblack.com. However dallasblack is more geared toward the night club.


I guess I am back peddling on this cause they need to get out more, make it easier for him to find them but at the same rate God knows how to get all paths to cross.

 

[Bunny77]

I was having this discussion with a few friends, one of which is the one that doesn't go anywhere and the other one who is a youngster and just left her live in boyfriend. The subject came up "about where to go and what to do". There is not a night life for christians?? I really don't have an answer for that. The youngster whose late 20's says the loneliness is overwhelming at times.

Do you all have any suggestions?

My advice was too always look your best whenever you leave the house, where ever you go. Go to all the places you have an interest in. Join groups and organizations that peak your interest. So I was somewhat at a lost but I did say check the weekend guide for things to do, and dallasblack.com. However dallasblack is more geared toward the night club.


I guess I am back peddling on this cause they need to get out more, make it easier for him to find them but at the same rate God knows how to get all paths to cross.

Wow, are they serious? They live in Dallas and can't find things to do?

You can go out to restaurants, coffee houses, poetry slams, book clubs, professional mixers (for one's individual career), conferences, hobby meet-ups, etc., etc. Do they not have hobbies or interests that they'd like to explore? No community education classes they might want to take?

Your friends are really going to have to get creative here and start thinking outside of the box... since when did "going out" only mean night clubs and bars?

Um, and while I don't mean to be mean... it's funny that one Christian woman had a live-in boyfriend, but yet, she's getting hung up on the idea of going to bars and nightclubs and saying there's nothing for Christian women to do for fun. erplexed

 

[chicacanella]

Good point! I do believe in at least making yourself "visible" in order to attract a guy. Not in a showy way of course, but just make sure he knows who you are type of way. You can't just expect some guy to just drop in your lap!

However, with the points in bold.... I'm a bit confused. Inviting him to sit down with you, or inviting him to hang out with you and your friends...isn't that kind of like pursuing HIM?? I guess I don't understand the difference between getting him to notice you, and actually aggressively pursuing the guy.

What is typically entailed when women talk about pursuing a guy or being "aggressive"? Because I figured that calling a guy, texting a guy, inviting a guy to hang out with you & friends (when he hasn't invited you out), and approaching him all the time at church would be sort of like pursuing him. But maybe I'm wrong?

I mean, some women don't do anything, and it seems like they still end up dating and getting married. But yet others flirt and do all things to attract a guy and some of them still don't end up snagging the guy. Does it depend on the guy? What constitutes as being "desperate" in your mind? I think I have a distorted view of this because all my life my mom always warned me about coming across as "desperate" or "needy", so it made me not even want to approach any guy. It made me afraid of even using my feminine charm to even attract any guy really. To this day I still don't think I really know how to talk to guys/men without feeling self-conscious or being afraid that they think/know that I like them, etc. My mom was of the belief that a guy would come out of nowhere and instantly be attracted to me, and want to date me.

So what is being "too aggressive" or "desperate" in your view? How can you "start the ball rolling" without appearing needy and coming off as a turn-off to the guy?

That is a good question. And further more, what if you see a guy in church that you are attracted to but he is on the other side of the church? Do you make it a point to sit next to him the next Sunday? Get involved in more church activities?

 

[gn1g]

Um, and while I don't mean to be mean... it's funny that one Christian woman had a live-in boyfriend, but yet, she's getting hung up on the idea of going to bars and nightclubs and saying there's nothing for Christian women to do for fun. erplexed

that's a long story but she was a luke warm baptist.

 

[gn1g]

That is a good question. And further more, what if you see a guy in church that you are attracted to but he is on the other side of the church? Do you make it a point to sit next to him the next Sunday? Get involved in more church activities?

If it were me I would sit closer to him . . . make sure that when the pastor says touch, slap, hi-five, hug, testify to your neighbor that he is your neighbor. At the end of the service extend a hug or a handshake and say it was nice having you as a neighbor etc. .

Cause I don't think men are very aggressive at church.

 

[Bunny77]

that's a long story but she was a luke warm baptist.

Okay, gotcha. When I read your post, it just seemed like ole girl was more concerned about the "lesser" evil in this situation rather than the bigger problem... but thanks for clarifying a bit!

I'm praying that both of your friends find some success in this!

 

[chicacanella]

If it were me I would sit closer to him . . . make sure that when the pastor says touch, slap, hi-five, hug, testify to your neighbor that he is your neighbor. At the end of the service extend a hug or a handshake and say it was nice having you as a neighbor etc. .

Cause I don't think men are very aggressive at church.

Okay, good idea. I will try to do that.

 

[Poohbear]

Janice, I am loving your posts! You are very helpful and encouraging. I agree with everything you have said.

 

[mrselle]

Cause I don't think men are very aggressive at church.

Some men can be very aggressive at church. I once had this man literally run me down as I was walking to my car and say to me, “You’ve been in my spirit.” Then he asked me for my number.

 

[cheetarah1980]

I've read this entire thread and I have to agree with EVERYTHING Bunny has posted. Girl, you are on point.

Sometimes I think all of the advice geared toward Christian singles (especially women) has done more harm than good. First the idea that one status is better than another makes people feel less than their counterparts in the opposite situation. Lately the prevailing idea is that you have to reach a certain level of singleness before you can graduate to marriage. The two situations are so vastly different and both come with their own sets of rewards and challenges that it isn't fair to elevate one over the other. Plus it puts singles in a position of always trying to do more in order to get the go ahead to finally be married. It's destructive because there really is no Biblical basis for it.

Secondly, I think some have forgotten that we as women have eyes too. Unless you exist in a completely single sex universe, you're going to come into contact w/ men. And men aren't the only ones who notice the opposite sex. It seems as though the focus is on men noticing us, but what about us noticing men? Attraction doesn't start when a man says it do. For example, I was eating lunch with a married couple last weekend and asked how they met. They went to college together, but didn't start dating until years later. The wife admitted that when they were in school he didn't really appeal to her. After graduation their paths crossed again (the husband lived in the same townhouse as a friend of hers) and this time she liked what she saw. From there she found reasons (real and make believe) to be over at that townhouse so she could be around him. It took him a little while, but he finally caught her vibe and asked her out. The rest is history.

We aren't just passive creatures thinking "pick me! pick me!" If we're honest with ourselves, sometimes we do the picking as well. And there's nothing wrong with that.

 

[chicacanella]

I've read this entire thread and I have to agree with EVERYTHING Bunny has posted. Girl, you are on point.

Sometimes I think all of the advice geared toward Christian singles (especially women) has done more harm than good. First the idea that one status is better than another makes people feel less than their counterparts in the opposite situation. Lately the prevailing idea is that you have to reach a certain level of singleness before you can graduate to marriage. The two situations are so vastly different and both come with their own sets of rewards and challenges that it isn't fair to elevate one over the other. Plus it puts singles in a position of always trying to do more in order to get the go ahead to finally be married. It's destructive because there really is no Biblical basis for it.

Secondly, I think some have forgotten that we as women have eyes too. Unless you exist in a completely single sex universe, you're going to come into contact w/ men. And men aren't the only ones who notice the opposite sex. It seems as though the focus is on men noticing us, but what about us noticing men? Attraction doesn't start when a man says it do. For example, I was eating lunch with a married couple last weekend and asked how they met. They went to college together, but didn't start dating until years later. The wife admitted that when they were in school he didn't really appeal to her. After graduation their paths crossed again (the husband lived in the same townhouse as a friend of hers) and this time she liked what she saw. From there she found reasons (real and make believe) to be over at that townhouse so she could be around him. It took him a little while, but he finally caught her vibe and asked her out. The rest is history.

We aren't just passive creatures thinking "pick me! pick me!" If we're honest with ourselves, sometimes we do the picking as well. And there's nothing wrong with that.

Your post is soooo on point and needed as encouragement and advice for alot of women in the body of Jesus.

 

[Sly]

Some men can be very aggressive at church. I once had this man literally run me down as I was walking to my car and say to me, “You’ve been in my spirit.” Then he asked me for my number.

that's bold !

 

[cheetarah1980]

Maybe we need to change our view of what pursuing means. To me, pursuing means to try to engage someone on a romantic level. I don't see how inviting a man to coffee is doing that.

How many times have I heard Christian women say, "I would like to be friends with a man before I get involved with him," but then won't ask a man that interests her to have lunch or coffee? How are you supposed to be friends with a man that you never talk to or spend time with?

This reminds me of elementary school when thinking a boy was cute automatically meant you liked him. There are plenty of men that I find attractive, but finding someone attractive does NOT mean I'm trying to date them. It might spark a bit of curiosity or interest, but remember that interest does NOT mean feeling. What's wrong with trying to get to know someone new? If getting a date or a relationship isn't the end goal, then asking a guy to sit next to you or spend time with you is no different than asking a female friend. Maybe if we start looking at it from the perspective of making associates and friends we'd feel less like we were acting desperate or pursuing.

 

[SEMO]

Question:

There's a thread in the relationship forum about women who met their husbands online. Do you ladies think that using online sites to find dates falls under the realm of you pursuing him?

 

[cheetarah1980]

Question:

There's a thread in the relationship forum about women who met their husbands online. Do you ladies think that using online sites to find dates falls under the realm of you pursuing him?

Creating a profile online in and of itself does not constitute pursuing anyone. What you do with that profile is another story. Online communities usually gather people with similar interests into one virtual location. Sometimes that common interest is dating. It is very easy for most women to still be in the position of "pursuee" even in the online realm. A man running across your profile and finding it interesting and contacting you is really no different than a man running across you IRL, finding you interesting, and making your acquaintance.

Plus, contacting a man or initiating an acquaintance does not mean you're pursuing him. I've contacted men online, not because I wanted to date them, but because I thought something about their profile was interesting or I read what they wrote in a forum and wanted to comment on it. IRL, I've gone up to a man and said, "I love your hair!" or "That's an awesome shirt!" Sometimes it's led them to converse with me and maybe ask me out, but most times it's a simple statement that's taken as such. At a certain age, I think most people are mature enough to understand that just because someone says hi or pays a compliment, it doesn't mean they're trying to be your SO.

 

[SEMO]

Creating a profile online in and of itself does not constitute pursuing anyone. What you do with that profile is another story. Online communities usually gather people with similar interests into one virtual location. Sometimes that common interest is dating. It is very easy for most women to still be in the position of "pursuee" even in the online realm. A man running across your profile and finding it interesting and contacting you is really no different than a man running across you IRL, finding you interesting, and making your acquaintance.

Plus, contacting a man or initiating an acquaintance does not mean you're pursuing him. I've contacted men online, not because I wanted to date them, but because I thought something about their profile was interesting or I read what they wrote in a forum and wanted to comment on it. IRL, I've gone up to a man and said, "I love your hair!" or "That's an awesome shirt!" Sometimes it's led them to converse with me and maybe ask me out, but most times it's a simple statement that's taken as such. At a certain age, I think most people are mature enough to understand that just because someone says hi or pays a compliment, it doesn't mean they're trying to be your SO.

Thanks for that breakdown. That makes a lot of sense. I've never attempted online dating and don't really know all the nuances about it, or the unspoken rules.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

I've read this entire thread and I have to agree with EVERYTHING Bunny has posted. Girl, you are on point.

Sometimes I think all of the advice geared toward Christian singles (especially women) has done more harm than good. First the idea that one status is better than another makes people feel less than their counterparts in the opposite situation. Lately the prevailing idea is that you have to reach a certain level of singleness before you can graduate to marriage. The two situations are so vastly different and both come with their own sets of rewards and challenges that it isn't fair to elevate one over the other. Plus it puts singles in a position of always trying to do more in order to get the go ahead to finally be married. It's destructive because there really is no Biblical basis for it.

Secondly, I think some have forgotten that we as women have eyes too. Unless you exist in a completely single sex universe, you're going to come into contact w/ men. And men aren't the only ones who notice the opposite sex. It seems as though the focus is on men noticing us, but what about us noticing men? Attraction doesn't start when a man says it do. For example, I was eating lunch with a married couple last weekend and asked how they met. They went to college together, but didn't start dating until years later. The wife admitted that when they were in school he didn't really appeal to her. After graduation their paths crossed again (the husband lived in the same townhouse as a friend of hers) and this time she liked what she saw. From there she found reasons (real and make believe) to be over at that townhouse so she could be around him. It took him a little while, but he finally caught her vibe and asked her out. The rest is history.

We aren't just passive creatures thinking "pick me! pick me!" If we're honest with ourselves, sometimes we do the picking as well. And there's nothing wrong with that.

Yes, I've heard of stories like this too. I actually like it when the woman likes what she sees and somehow goes for it in a non-pursuing way.

I would prefer to be attracted to my future mate not only spiritually, emotionally, and personality-wise, but also PHYSICALLY too! Hello?? Why is it that guys think that only the MEN have the authority to pursue women strictly for looks? Isn't looks what we usually see or know about when we first meet someone? Why is it so wrong for a woman to want a man who also pleases her physically?? Okay...that didn't quite come out right.. What I meant was...why can't women be with a man who THEY find physically attractive also?

My only fear though is that no matter how often I'm over some guy's house, he will probably eventually think I'm desperate and a fool for being over there so often. Especially if he doesn't feel the same way. I think that the only way a woman can feel comfortable being over some guy's house, or always subtly making known her interest is if the guy is also somewhat interested in her also, or if he has given her signs that he could be interested. Otherwise...isn't it making a fool out of yourself if you're always hanging around a guy and he's not interested?? And let's face it, most guys won't just come right out and tell you that they aren't interested. Some of them just like the attention.

So, how do you tell the difference between a guy who's genuinely interested in you (but perhaps somewhat shy or unsure of how you feel), and a guy who just likes attention from women and wants to keep you on his "reserve list".

 

[gn1g]

So, how do you tell the difference between a guy who's genuinely interested in you (but perhaps somewhat shy or unsure of how you feel), and a guy who just likes attention from women and wants to keep you on his "reserve list".

Good question, I would say pay attention to the little things/signs.
Does he make time for you?
Does he make advance plans for you? Not last minutes stuff cause #1 said no. It's the little things. You can always ask: What do you think about me? And you should have some sort of a gut feeling.

 

[cocoberry10]

I think she needs to do more than what she's doing now if she wants a husband, and it doesn't mean she has to be aggressive.

To me, being aggressive involves pursuing a man, and I disagree with that. However, if she wants to be "found," she needs to put herself in more places in which she can be found! Expand her comfort zones and social circles so she can be exposed to more men who might be "hunting."

And no offense to anyone in this thread, but I don't think that sitting around for 30+ years "waiting on the Lord" to send you a husband is very smart at all. It's more passive than anything to me...

(KBragg, I agree with what you're saying!)

I agree with this. I think a lot of women believe they can sit in their house and be "found". Good luck with that. On the other hand, I think that a lot of men do enjoy pursuing women (even non-Christian ones).

Although neither of these books are "Christian," I think reading them can help show your friend how to see herself as more of a prize.

How To Marry the Man of Your Choice by Margaret Kent (I really liked this book, b/c she gave tips about conversation, etc.). Some things I didn't agree with was her tip about living together (which I am personally against as a Christian, but if that's your thing, cool).

Why Men Love *****es by Sherry Argov. There are a few threads about this in relationship forum.

 

[cocoberry10]

I would prefer to be attracted to my future mate not only spiritually, emotionally, and personality-wise, but also PHYSICALLY too! Hello?? Why is it that guys think that only the MEN have the authority to pursue women strictly for looks? Isn't looks what we usually see or know about when we first meet someone? Why is it so wrong for a woman to want a man who also pleases her physically?? Okay...that didn't quite come out right.. What I meant was...why can't women be with a man who THEY find physically attractive also?

My only fear though is that no matter how often I'm over some guy's house, he will probably eventually think I'm desperate and a fool for being over there so often.

To answer your question about why guys have the authority to pursue women for looks...THEY DON'T. We do too, we just have to realize it.

To the 2nd bolded: If you aren't desperate, a guy won't think you are

 

[HeChangedMyName]

That depends on the person I guess. Being aggressive and going after what I want hasn't worked for me yet. Sure I got some relationships, but they were not godly and they were full of sin. So now, I am working on a more passive technique---Here is an article that I read that got me started on this new technique. http://www.crosswalk.com/singles/11549260/

So now, I've put the word out to some key people that I am single and available. And some of these people are the types who know everyone . I've also made it a point to become more active and visible so that I am not just someone who comes to church and goes home. I am getting to know my fellow parishoners. I would love to date and marry someone already in my own church, that way I wouldn't have to deal with the issue of the woman following the man to his church.

 

[Avyn]

I agree with KBragg. See the story of Ruth in the bible. Naomi was a wise mother and helped Ruth put herself out there so she could be found. I'm not saying go sleep at some man's feet, but heed the example. Ruth's lineage led to Jesus' birth. God was all up in that. Be open to the leading of the Spirit. I'm sure I missed the person God spoke to me about because I refused to make the first move. The way God told me to move was so not aggressive, but I had been beat over the head with that He that findeth a wife quote, that even the modest move I could have made was taboo to me. They perish for lack of knowledge (and being caught up in traditional religious thought versus being led by the Spirit).

 

[missty1029]

Sorry I didnt read the whole thread so I dont know if maybe this was mentioned. We were listening to Creflos Dollar's CD Chosing a Mate. He talke about meeting his wife. He states that she came into the office he was in and said "im interested in you." He thought wow this woman wants me and will pursue me! But to his surprise, she never paid him any attention after that. That sent him spinning and then pursuing her!!! I thought about that because even now there is a guy in church I may be interested in but should I just wait? After hearing that, I would say that and then yes leave it alone. To me thats not being aggressive at all. And also get the CD its really good!!!!

 

[gn1g]

Sorry I didnt read the whole thread so I dont know if maybe this was mentioned. We were listening to Creflos Dollar's CD Chosing a Mate. He talke about meeting his wife. He states that she came into the office he was in and said "im interested in you." He thought wow this woman wants me and will pursue me! But to his surprise, she never paid him any attention after that. That sent him spinning and then pursuing her!!! I thought about that because even now there is a guy in church I may be interested in but should I just wait? After hearing that, I would say that and then yes leave it alone. To me thats not being aggressive at all. And also get the CD its really good!!!!

I would attempt to start a friendly conversation with him. Probably about something the pastor said or something church related. And ask him his name.