He Called Me... So Now What?

[TinyBlu]

For those of you who have been keeping up with my ongoing saga with the guy who lost his job, I have news... he left me a VM today.

OK... I initiated it. He sent me a text over the weekend thanking me for all I am doing (helping him with his job search), and I made the mistake of replying (two days later) "I do it because I care"

For some reason, that wasn't enough, so I called him (It's been THREE WEEKS! I'm trying to give him space! This is hard). Of course, he didn't answer, but I left a message saying "Hey, I was just checking on you. I haven't heard from you in a while. I told you I was going to give you space, and I am trying to honor that, but just needed to hear your voice. Give me a call when you're ready... (paraphrasing).

I did NOT expect a call back, so I'm sure you can imagine my shock when I saw the missed call on my phone. His message just said "Hey. Got your VM and was trying to call you back. Give me a call when you get the opportunity (sounded upbeat).

So NOW WHAT?? I have figured out that it would probably be a bad idea to call him back immediately, so I am going to wait a few days.

Ladies, I have read all the books about being too available and not giving the guy the upper hand... blah, blah, blah. Trying to follow that advice semi-led to the Christmas weekend awkwardness in the first place. I followed the "rules" that state telling a guy how you feel will chase him off, so I pretended not to and created a mess.

When I call, I don't want the conversation (if we have it) to turn into a confessional or spill my guts session. I really want to ask a few open ended questions and get some resolution. I just don't know where to start. Any suggestions?

 

[JustKiya]

So I met the greatest guy and things were going well between us until Christmas weekend. Over that weekend, I realized that I really had feelings for him and in an attempt to play it off rather than express my feelings, I ended up acting really...wierd.

I got totally nervous and started trying to be "perfect" and things started going wrong. We started having these tense silences and everything felt awkward. This is really not a good thing because we live two states apart and don't get to see each other on a regular basis.

Anyway, he started pulling away after that. His daily calls / texts turned into him not returning mine. If he did respond to my texts, it was hours later and phone calls were just not returned at all. To make matters worse, the following week, he lost his job.

So I started panicking. I knew I had to do damage control from Christmas weekend, but we weren't really talking, and it was driving me up the wall. Thankfully, he answered my call this past Friday and we talked for 2.5 hours. During that conversation, I did let him know that he was important to me and I apologized for acting strangely during his last visit. He said "Thanks".

I then came out and asked him what he needed from me. He expressed that the job loss made him feel like less of a man and that he didn't really know whether he was "coming or going". I told him I understood, and that I supported him. He then dropped the bomb on me and said that a relationship is not really the best thing for him right now and he needs "time and space" to sort things out.

I have learned from experience to give a man space if he asks for it, so I have not called him since then. I told him to call me when he's ready. My only fear is that this "break" is just a layover to a break up.

So (finally), my question is: Do "breaks" really help? How do you deal with the pain of the "break" in the meantime? I am heartbroken and I miss him terribly. How can I be sure he isn't just trying to let me down easy?

First of all... thanks so much for all the support and advice ladies!

I am trying to take things one day at a time and see things as they really are. I am still very confused, because the "shutting down" is so hard to read from him. Sometimes I really think that he just needs to get his head together and deal with the job loss, and at other times I think he may be trying to let me down easy and quietly bow out (Personally, I would rather he would just tell me to step off if that's the case).

Anywho... I have not called him since our conversation over a week ago, and I have kept electronic communication to a minimum. I broke down and sent him a quick text on Wednesday after a sandwich reminded me of something we always laugh at. It was a simple "hope ur doing well" text, and he responded later with a simple "All is well". He then sent me a few you tube links via email which I chose not to respond to.

Newest issue: He asked me to keep my eyes and ears open for available positions, and I have given him the name of my resume writer (who refromatted his resume for FREE) and sent him a recruiter list and forwarded him job postings that I think he would be a good fit for. I have been doing this all via email, but I am starting to wonder if that is too much...

He hasn't thanked me, so I don't know if he feels like I am patronizing him or saying he can't find a job on his own (the male ego can be VERY fragile). So I made the decision today to cut off ALL contact with him for two weeks. It's going to be hard, but I have to really give him a chance to miss me.

My only fear is that if I do stop ALL communication with him, that he will think I am leaving him while he's unemployed. ARGH!!! This is hard!

Thanks to the ladies for helping slap me into reality. I am still REALLY hurt that this guy dropped me like a bad habit after he got the panties (I thought waiting would make a difference), and I am still shocked that he would treat me the way he did-job loss or not.

Does anyone have a bad guy detector? If so I need one!

To think... I thought a 35 year old single father and little league coach (now an unemployed one) would be MATURE!! I guess I was wrong.

I am trying to stay busy, but I still think about him all the time. It truly was the best 6 months of my life. In time I will get over it.

I thought about emailing the guy and letting him know how hurt I was, but I really don't think he cares. Such is life... oh well...

:blink: Okay, I had to go back and catch up on the story - these are just the first posts from your last few threads.

Why are you still calling this man? He's calling you back because you are still chasing him - even though he's indicated (as one of your threads said) 'He's just not that into you'. Has he given any indicators that he's now more into you after a three week break? Besides asking you for help to get a job, that is?

And, as I reread everything - is he even your boyfriend? I mean, are y'all actually in a relationship, and not 'just dating'??

I'm sorry if I'm missing something by only checking the first post of your threads but it seems like you are setting yourself up for some serious heartbreak by chasing this man who isn't - acting like he's interested. He didn't call you for three weeks? He's just hoping you'll have missed him enough.................................

 

[kayte]

OP-I wish you were caring...but detached.
Your anxiety is coming through almost as a desperation. If I am misreading that..I am sorry.
I can understand being vulnerable after sex and then he disappearing
and your feeling as if he OWES you a relationship or logical explanation
I would advise as I did before in my other post to you...
to get closure and process in another way and not seek it or anything from him.
yes keep your heart soft, BUT Let him come to you.
and DON'T CALL

Send him a text/email.. sorry I missed you,but do call
was great to hear your voice..bye
and LET IT GO
But your dependency on connecting from him is too great...
so you pursued him when you couldn't stand it any longer
but you cannnot push the river if it's not flowing

You are also determining your mood ...based on him...
He's suddenly returned your call and he's upbeat~ and you are
in a flutter...that's dangerous....based on his behavior
and where are the apologies on that voice mail?
gee.. I know I was a class one jerk..but I explain more when we talk..
I'm going to keep trying until I reach you
he's upbeat? and you are all excited~~
if he has the the so-called upper hand....whatever that means..
it's only because you are.... so....not in control...and what's more...
that's not really your prority...or agenda....not even getting closure
even though you say it is ...it's ALL ABOUT reconnecting
with HIM

I feel for you
but sometimes...well...we just have to do what we gotta do
even if it's not helping anyone..
I dont think anything anyone is going to say is going help you
trouble shoot this...you are choosing to be in over your head
instead of backing away from a man...who even under the most understandable
of circumstances still slept with you and split
understandable...but not okay...

honestly ... I would back off...email him
great to hear from you..yeah...give me a call

beautiful one... let him prove himself to you..
if he is going to.. but I know you're not going to do that
as Justkiya said
setting yourself for even more....MAJOR HEARTBREAK

 

[Candy1978]

For those of you who have been keeping up with my ongoing saga with the guy who lost his job, I have news... he left me a VM today.

OK... I initiated it. He sent me a text over the weekend thanking me for all I am doing (helping him with his job search), and I made the mistake of replying (two days later) "I do it because I care"

For some reason, that wasn't enough, so I called him (It's been THREE WEEKS! I'm trying to give him space! This is hard). Of course, he didn't answer, but I left a message saying "Hey, I was just checking on you. I haven't heard from you in a while. I told you I was going to give you space, and I am trying to honor that, but just needed to hear your voice. Give me a call when you're ready... (paraphrasing).

I did NOT expect a call back, so I'm sure you can imagine my shock when I saw the missed call on my phone. His message just said "Hey. Got your VM and was trying to call you back. Give me a call when you get the opportunity (sounded upbeat).

So NOW WHAT?? I have figured out that it would probably be a bad idea to call him back immediately, so I am going to wait a few days.

Ladies, I have read all the books about being too available and not giving the guy the upper hand... blah, blah, blah. Trying to follow that advice semi-led to the Christmas weekend awkwardness in the first place. I followed the "rules" that state telling a guy how you feel will chase him off, so I pretended not to and created a mess.

When I call, I don't want the conversation (if we have it) to turn into a confessional or spill my guts session. I really want to ask a few open ended questions and get some resolution. I just don't know where to start. Any suggestions?

My advice is read Why Men Marry Bit**es Sherry Argov. If he likes you wants to be with you he will come after you. See the youtube video that I made in regards to this<<<<<<


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YclzbgzTBGc

 

[Mrs. N Lugo]

For those of you who have been keeping up with my ongoing saga with the guy who lost his job, I have news... he left me a VM today.

OK... I initiated it. He sent me a text over the weekend thanking me for all I am doing (helping him with his job search), and I made the mistake of replying (two days later) "I do it because I care"

For some reason, that wasn't enough, so I called him (It's been THREE WEEKS! I'm trying to give him space! This is hard). Of course, he didn't answer, but I left a message saying "Hey, I was just checking on you. I haven't heard from you in a while. I told you I was going to give you space, and I am trying to honor that, but just needed to hear your voice. Give me a call when you're ready... (paraphrasing).

I did NOT expect a call back, so I'm sure you can imagine my shock when I saw the missed call on my phone. His message just said "Hey. Got your VM and was trying to call you back. Give me a call when you get the opportunity (sounded upbeat).

So NOW WHAT?? I have figured out that it would probably be a bad idea to call him back immediately, so I am going to wait a few days.

Ladies, I have read all the books about being too available and not giving the guy the upper hand... blah, blah, blah. Trying to follow that advice semi-led to the Christmas weekend awkwardness in the first place. I followed the "rules" that state telling a guy how you feel will chase him off, so I pretended not to and created a mess.

When I call, I don't want the conversation (if we have it) to turn into a confessional or spill my guts session. I really want to ask a few open ended questions and get some resolution. I just don't know where to start. Any suggestions?

The bolded sounds a little desperate, you are coming on too strong....be careful because that will completely turn him off. I like what Kayte suggested about texting him just to say you received his voice message.

 

[aribell]

Maybe what would help would be to focus on why it is you feel the need to keep reaching out to him, despite his wishy-washyness. What lack do you find in yourself that you are looking for him to fill? I only ask that because in the past when I've experienced the feelings that you are now, somehow somewhere I psychologically/emotionally needed this person to confirm something for me, validate something for me.

When I started focusing on myself and filling whatever was missing from my own resources, those clingy feelings went away. Following the Rules and whatnot may help you to act better externally, but looking inward might go further in changing how you actually feel on the inside.

 

[MissYocairis]

Do not return that call. If he wants you, he will call again. If you don't hear back again from him, he does not want you. Trust me, in a situation like this, it is better that you accept EARLY that he doesn't want what you want...rather than allow yourself to be strung along and to recieve a greater heartbreak later when even more feelings are involved. I wouldn't even text him back. Men go after what they want. There's a strong possibility that this call was just him being polite. If it's MORE than that...he will call again.

Also...please stop sending him job search assistance. He's a grown man. Let him find it on his own. Stop auditioning for his affections. HE should be auditioning for YOURS.

 

[tiara76]

at this point tryin to follow any sort of rules is gonna be even more disastrous....you have already reached out to him, now it really seems like game playing to have all these i better not return the call too soon or what not...fi you have already asked him to call you back, he returned ur call and asked u to call him back which means he obviously wants to talk to you...call him back and just talk to him.....if you feel like checkin on him then be okay with feeling like checkin on him, its not the end of the world or the action that destroys all hope for this relationship....

understand this convo should you do the mature thing and call him back in a timely matter, does not mean anything more than just a conversation with him, you can express how you feel if you like or if you are scared to express because you think he wont respond a certain way then keep them to urself and just let him know u wanted to know if he was cool...keep it short, you dont have to beg or cry or try to convince him to be with you or anything...no expectations, no emotional overreactions, no blaming, no trying to get him to do anything

if you decide in the future to stop reachin out to him do so before you actually reach out to him and then react in a non mature way when he responds to it, esp if you KNOW you want to talk to him

for you to be so concerned and convinced he's not into you really is a projection of yourself and not him btw, release him from being responsible for any hurt you are feeling, it is coming from you and no matter what he decides to do or wants isn't gonna help that issue that you will need to resolve first and foremost

 

[The Princess]

I think you are trying to hard. He a grown man, he knows what he is doing, you are giving him the opportunity to control you. After three weeks and he haven't tried to get in contact with you-he not really into you. He giving you enough to keep you wanting more, just in case he NEED you down the line. Cut that line off now and let him drown. I would say don't call back and if he do call you again, don't answer.

Also if this is a man you want to be in a relationship think about this-relationship you have your ups and down, so everytime something bad happens to him, are you going to give him 3+weeks of space.

Also you letting his mood control you, he upbeat so you are too.

I been there before-Its not healthy, drop the zero and find a hero. You want a man, that calling you nonstop, trying to bring happiness to you, making you smile.

Im sorry, I just got out one where I was trying to make a man happy, but now got someone thats main goal is to make me happy. The grass is greener on the otherside, you don't need him, block his number and don't look back.

 

[Mai Tai]

The question that really needs to be asked is...

Why you keep playing yourself for a man that obviously don't want you period? You coming off real desperate, gullible, and naive.

Why are you fighting so hard for the affections of a man that obviously is having some issues that are be more pressing then pursuing a relationship with you? He does not have a job. Let that man focus on getting his life together first, then if he wants you (which he obviously doesn't) he will call.

Why are you helping a grown man find a job in the first place?

What is it that makes you feel that you don't deserve a loving, attentive, employed man?

Girl...get some confidence and let this man live his life...

 

[ixoyegodisgood]

Why are you helping a grown man find a job in the first place?

.

I think she is doing this because he is weaker in an area that she is not. She's probably hoping that he will return the favor by compensating her in an area where she is weaker, which is emotionally. Been there, done that (mostly with family). Some people have their own path to tread. There is nothing you can do to cure their indifference when they don't have any get-up-and-go about the situation on their own.

 

[TinyBlu]

My advice is read Why Men Marry Bit**es Sherry Argov. If he likes you wants to be with you he will come after you. See the youtube video that I made in regards to this<<<<<<


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YclzbgzTBGc

Read it and all the other "rules" books...

 

[TinyBlu]

Maybe what would help would be to focus on why it is you feel the need to keep reaching out to him, despite his wishy-washyness. What lack do you find in yourself that you are looking for him to fill? I only ask that because in the past when I've experienced the feelings that you are now, somehow somewhere I psychologically/emotionally needed this person to confirm something for me, validate something for me.

When I started focusing on myself and filling whatever was missing from my own resources, those clingy feelings went away. Following the Rules and whatnot may help you to act better externally, but looking inward might go further in changing how you actually feel on the inside.

I am acting this way because up until December, he was a REALLY nice guy. Too nice to be a jerk. Check out my "I Get It-He's Just Not that Into Me" thread. I didn't even remotely touch how nice he's been. I can't wrap myself around the idea that a man would put so much into a relationship and then spontaneously cut it off. I guess I am also in denial. I SOOOO want to believe that his silence is a result of his job loss, but since we aren't talking, I can't ask him the questions to get a full understanding. Maybe I just don't want to face reality...

 

[song_of_serenity]

Listen, darl...people FLIP the switch on you all the time...ok? No matter if he treated you like a QUEEN back then...he's treating you like CRAP now. I don't care HOW HE WAS. Look at the present instead of holding on hope he'll 'realize' how you're there for him and see the light. PLEASE! You've BEEN good to him and even now and he's STILL like "Ok, well, thanks."

Do yourself a favor and keep it moving. You're setting yourself up to be viewed as a desperate woman and that's a big turn off to a man. Because honestly, once it gets into the "Yeah, I got her like that" category, trust, it won't get any better.

Owe it to YOURSELF to find someone who can retain their emotional stability and not take out THEIR life's frustrations on you. Don't make excuses for him.