Have you ever turned down a marriage proposal?

[luckiestdestiny]

Ever turned down a direct proposal of marriage, or refused someone who made it clear they wanted that from you?

Why'd you say no?

Are you still unmarried now? Any regrets?

Several which is why I don't agree with the you better say yes or else mantra. Don't regret it. I'm engaged now. The others, I wasn't in love with them. One of the three happened when I was waaay too young: I was 19, he was 27 (Btw did not know that as he lied about his age until the end). But the others were spread out as I wasn't thinking about marriage in undergrad at all.

For the others...basically we got to a point, and I had already filtered to make sure they were men who were serious about me, and then it was a matter of having a serious relationship and seeing where it went. When they asked, I realized in my heart it was a no and cut it off. I've had others closing in on asking and cut it off before then. I don't think I'm incredibly anything but I think it's because I know how to filter (I did work for a match maker previously but ironically I was doing all the things that sought out marriage minded men without trying. Working there was just a confirmation of that).
But still just because someone wants to marry you doesn't mean you want to marry them, right? I thought it better to say no then marry the wrong person, or to run away at the alter after freaking out and realizing it was all wrong.

 

[*CherryPie*]

Yes.....a few times.

They just were not right for me and I knew that. I was married for 10 years (I filed for divorce after 9 years. He's still mad at me for divorcing him. After being married, I learned that i'm not patient enough to put up with too much of other people's mental baggage.

I broke up with my ex-boyfriend a few months ago. I turned down his proposals many times. He confirmed that I don't have the patience for other people's mental baggage.

 

[LadyPaniolo]

luckiestdestiny, tell us the things you did that sought out marriage minded men, please and thank you!

I broke off one engagement, and am currently married. Regrets? Tons. But not about the broken engagement.

 

[Thiends]

Ever turned down a direct proposal of marriage, or refused someone who made it clear they wanted that from you?

Yes, three.

Why'd you say no?

I didn't see the first guy being able to provide for me and the sort of family we had discussed wanting. I don't want to be the one to carry the pregnancies and then also worry about feeding the family because my husband can't handle things alone. Finances are a major reason for divorce.

The second guy had major, major extended family drama because of a trifling sibling. The drama exploded into lawsuits and I could see that this was the sort of family that would never quiet down. My father has a contentious extended family that has caused my mother major trouble for decades now, so I was not about to marry into the same kind of mess.

The third guy is in the armed forces of another country. I am not moving to that country and, while the army has enabled him to achieve a great standard of living in his country, it would be very hard for him to get a foothold here because his education outside the army is shaky.

Are you still unmarried now? Any regrets?

I am still unmarried with zero regrets about the guys I turned down. Zero. I made the right decisions even though doing so was very, very hard in two of the cases (the soldier was a no-brainer for me).

 

[runwaydream]

yes. i loved him but he had no money, didn't have a real job yet and was relying on his mother for support.

i told him i would when he finally got his sh!t together.

we stayed together for awhile but ultimately broke up.

im still single, and it was one of the best decisions i've ever made. def dodged a bullet w. him.

 

[luckiestdestiny]

luckiestdestiny, tell us the things you did that sought out marriage minded men, please and thank you!

I broke off one engagement, and am currently married. Regrets? Tons. But not about the broken engagement.

Sorry for some reason I just saw this.

Let's see. I sought them out through my actions, and also "filtering". I must say first that these are beginning things of course there's other "listening to your instincts" things when red flags go off but in general:

1)For me it's that I am abstinent until marriage. But I think that not having intimate relations too soon also works (only in a serious relationship and thats after a little while in). Both work in a sense because if someone plays around they're not going to wait around for me. (some times there are exceptions but I will have filtered them out just through other personality flaws.)


2)I'm not desperate. I'm always of the mindset of if not you someone else. A guy has to know his worth too and know he's a good match or else he'll get filtered (as I like to call it). The ones still standing are almost ready to prove they have what it takes through their actions. And I'm not cocky about it just relaxed and self assured

3) Is he marraige minded? How many of his friends are married, or engaged. Does he have "boys" whom he hangs with every weekend?

4) I also look at how his friends interact with their women. Like attracts like (with some exceptions). Ror instance my fiance's friend, who married back in November, used to travel to see his now wife every weekend (and she lived four hours away) rain, sleet, snow...didn't matter if he just got off a long shift at the hospital or not. He had to see her, and is always doing thoughtful things just like my fiance. My fiance and his friends are straight up romantics, but grounded romantics (most are doctors after all not poets lol so they're not spouting poetry and riding horses). But they do the most thoughtful things for their honey. To me thoughtful is romantic. Is he looking out for you, is he thinking of you, is that reflected in the things he does for you?

8)
His actions: are they consistent with what a man says? Am I in doubt ever about his motives. If he likes me he better darn well show it.

9) I get rid of guys who don't talk about commitement: are afraid of it, has "issues with it". Bye now.

10)
In addition I don't worry about "pressuring" a guy by speaking the truth. I say straight up that I'm not in between girl. I'm looking for a serious relationship and don't play the field. If a guy isn't the one for me I move on.

11) When a guy asks about marriage I'm honest. I say that I don't think it takes years to know either it's right or it's not. If not that's fine for either party and it's best to move on.

12) Is he bringing up marriage constantly to test the waters. Is he introducing you to family, wantting to meet your family, people important to you, is he including you in long term decisions (not just talk about them with you which I call "fake bait")

13) Presented myself as marriagable. Not even trying, but just did: Intelligent, well put together for the most part (though I'll still occasionally dress down), caring, honest, communicative. My actions: I'm not getting drunk every weekend lol, basically what I consider lady like oh! and fun, happy which I know seems overrated but guys love to be around people who are genuinely happy and joyous (and I'm talking no fake stuff here cause if I'm in a bad mood you'll know but it's 95 percent sunshine with me....because I don't pick guys that bring out the thunderstorm so to speak as I'm not a glutton for punishment. I believe if I'm always upset, then we're not right for each other and you need to be filtered. But I'm no stepford wife. I'm real, and honest, and I call someone out if I feel like I need to, and I expect the same.

 

[HoneyA]

Ever turned down a direct proposal of marriage, or refused someone who made it clear they wanted that from you?
Yes, twice

Why'd you say no?

I knew I did not want to be married to them. I could not see myself being married to them for life. Would not have worked.

Are you still unmarried now? Any regrets?

Unmarried, no regrets

@ Luckiestdestiny Sound advice for those who are marriage minded and want to find the best fit. In sum, do nothing but keep your eyes and ears open. Best advice I've read here re: this issue. Very well broken down.

 

[Afrolatina]

Ever turned down a direct proposal of marriage, or refused someone who made it clear they wanted that from you?

Why'd you say no?

Are you still unmarried now? Any regrets?

I have...
once my ex proposed like 4+ times during our 4 year relationship and I realized the only one that was serious about it was me lol after a while, I told him to just keep his mouth shut about it and stop holding the damn proposal over my head- I literally felt like he was dangling it over my head to get me to "bite"... after a while of being messed over, I got real and then left his behind high and dry lol... I just said no because he wasn't serious... it shouldn't take that many proposals to be a catalyst for action and after a while I forced myself to understand and cope with the gravity of the situation...

Nope! I'm married now to a DIFFERENT man (he's loving, sweet and 100% NOT a crumbum) he asked me once, we were stupid and got into a fight over unrelated crap and dropped the engagement issue for a few weeks (we both were under the impression our engagement was off) and then he asked me again, for serious and gave me a ring very shortly after..but I have no regrets... because i'm very happy with my hubby and also cause the next girl he was messing with after me, he bought her a ring and then broke up with her a year later... I wonder how many OTHER unsuspecting, dumb broads he's proposed to since just to get wifey benefits... ah well, lol

 

[aribell]

13) Presented myself as marriagable. Not even trying, but just did: Intelligent, well put together for the most part (though I'll still occasionally dress down), caring, honest, communicative. My actions: I'm not getting drunk every weekend lol, basically what I consider lady like oh! and fun, happy which I know seems overrated but guys love to be around people who are genuinely happy and joyous (and I'm talking no fake stuff here cause if I'm in a bad mood you'll know but it's 95 percent sunshine with me....because I don't pick guys that bring out the thunderstorm so to speak as I'm not a glutton for punishment. I believe if I'm always upset, then we're not right for each other and you need to be filtered. But I'm no stepford wife. I'm real, and honest, and I call someone out if I feel like I need to, and I expect the same.

Great post overall, but I especially resonated with the bolded. It took me a little bit to realize that if I'm usually a cheerful person, but with this one man I'm irritated, sad, disappointed, etc then that's a huge sign that things are not right. Sometimes people just trigger the lesser parts of yourself and it only makes you look bad.

If the thunderclouds are constantly rolling in, then he's not meeting your expectations, which in itself may be a clear indication that it's time to move on. (I wish I had figured that out about three years ago, but oh well)

______

As it so happens, since starting this thread last year, another person with serious intentions of marriage came and went. I turned him down because: he didn't share my faith and actually was against it. He said he was open to learning and possibly changing his mind, but he was already in his late 30s and I don't believe an adult man is just going to suddenly be open to religion when he's consistently been against, and his conviction has only grown firmer over the years. It seemed like the makings of the classic situation where a man says he's open to x,y, or z so that he can get the woman, but once he's got her, he goes back to how he really feels. Also, while I do like older, in this instance, I didn't quite feel comfortable with it and not quite comfortable with him. And he was from another country and I wasn't sure how to navigate some of the cultural preferences, differences, and expectations.

I don't have regrets about that, as I think that had I pursued things with him, it would have been out of some fear that I would never find someone truly suitable. I don't think that you can make good or wise decisions based on that kind of anxiety.

 

[RUBY]

I'm bumping this thread.

 

[SurferBabe]

I said yes but was screaming "NO!" inside so I ended the engagement a couple of months later. I was ambitious and he was going nowhere at the time. We agreed to wait until he got himself on feet before we thought about marriage but this darn fool proposed while he had no job or future plans. He didn't ask for my father's blessing and he couldn't afford a ring so his sister bought me an engagement ring off of Craigslist with her money (I found this out while snooping). I realized it was time to end it when I wasn't excited at all about getting married. I wasn't planning a wedding or anything. I was single for 5 years after that and at times I regretted it because this guy was super into me but I didn't feel like he was the one. I finally met a guy that I truly dig and I'm so glad I followed my intuition.

 

[Ganjababy]

Three. They were wise choices though. I would have been thrice divorced. Quantity does not equal quality...

 

[intellectualuva]

1 Actual proposal 1 conversation.

The conversation guy wanted to formally do it with his family around, but he was smart enough to get my feedback first. He was 12 years older and I was already bored with him at the time. I never should've dated him. He met me working at a place that was just some I'm only here until I go back to college when summer is over and even then there was a wide gulf between our roles. He needed a woman in his own SES. I broke uo with him less than a month later. He found her I believe.

Formal proposal guy is still in love with me.

I've only wanted to marry two men in my life. They never asked. I have no regrets as I would not have met the last two if I had said yes. Even if I never marry I would never want to be stuck with those guys til death.

 

[LostInAdream]

Yes three. I should’ve turned down the fourth as well.

 

[Ganjababy]

I feel like that sometimes lol

Yes three. I should’ve turned down the fourth as well.

 

[sarumoki]

Kind of. I initially said yes to the proposal but then ended things a year later. We were high school sweethearts, he was fresh out of college and I had just dropped out. We loved each other but we weren't compatible for married life. He wanted more children than I did, he was more religious and of a different religion, and I wasn't fond of his family. Plus we weren't compatible in the bedroom. I don't regret not marrying him at all. I miss him as a person and a friend but not romantically.

 

[GreenEyedJen]

Ever turned down a direct proposal of marriage, or refused someone who made it clear they wanted that from you?

Why'd you say no?

Are you still unmarried now? Any regrets?

I've turned down three formal marriage proposals. Kept the first ring, though

I broke it off with the first guy because he was a horrible person. He was my first for a lot of things, and I was blinded by that. I thought I was in love, but I wasn't. And, TBH, I was never that girl to fantasize about being married. Definitely didn't want children.

I turned down the second and third because by those points in my life, it was habit for me to run away from guys if they got too close. It was totally me, not them. I think they both proposed because they were scared that I was going to leave. And they were right to be scared. I was a self saboteur for most of my twenties. Definitely got in the way of my own happiness more than once.

I'm unmarried. I don't know if I have regrets, per se. I'm with a great guy now. I do wish I would have said more to those second two guys, though. I've only ever had messy breakups. I wish I had more closure with those two.

 

[Browndilocks]

Nope. Never. People always say "why aren't you married?" and the answer is real simple. Nobody ever asked.

 

[Petal26]

Yes. I didn't want to get married (until I met my hubby ), and he made up his mind really fast. We had informally dated for like 6 weeks and he was ready to elope. I'm sure if he had been more subtle we would've been together longer, and maybe even gotten married. He was a gentleman, made me feel like a superstar, and his money was long too.

I was young and stupid

 

[itsallaboutattitude]

One

No regrets

He was possessive and jealous of everyone.

He proposed while I was breaking up with him (with a ring in hand).