Has anyone decided to just take themselves out of the GAME?

[Irresistible]

I'm out too

for now

 

[vevster]

I don't know why I came in this thread but here are some ((( HUGS ))) ladies. I won't say any cliche phrases that have been seared already into your brain, but each new day presents different opportunities. It is not healthy to keep looking at the past as indicative of what your future relationship status will be like. Sometimes all it takes is just being at the right place, at the right time and there he is. I know I probably made it seem like a piece of pie but trust that the man you seek is looking for you as well. While doing what you can in your power to find someone it is best to avoid the naysayers or constantly mentally rehashing your dating failures. That is negatively programming your mind. I do believe there is love for everyone. It is our birthright to be loved by someone in a way that we desire. Regardless of your age, education, past experiences, mistakes, YOU WILL FIND YOUR SOUL MATE! Believe that.

Nice thoughts but say you started dating at 18. How many years was it before you met your husband? Hmmmmm?

 

[BlackHairDiva]

Well, I did the not looking part for 32 years. He still didnt show up. I decided to look and ended up even more damage. I'm also throwing the towel, I'm keeping to myself!!!!!!..MEN are JERKS!!!

Well they say you find him when you're not looking for him...

 

[BlackHairDiva]

I'll be 25 next month and I've taken myself out of the game too. This may sound controversial, but I don't think everyone will find love. In other words, there's not someone for everyone. Now, I'm just focusing on my hobbies to make me happy. My pets make me happy too. Most men are just assholes.

Took the words right out of my mouth. I'm starting to think the same.

 

[Taliah]

I believe you have to be proactive if you want marriage. By your 30-40's I just don't believe it's about chance anymore. At this age the chances just are not in your favor anymore. I would suggest telling everyone you know what your goals are and the type of guy you are looking for and tell them to let you know if they know of a quality man who's looking for the same things. This way you have firsthand knowledge whether they are a jerk or really serious about committing, well the best chance possible, better than a stranger. I mean tell everyone, it can't be a self contained desire that you're looking for your dreamboat. Every other person out here knows some great man or woman looking for love. Just be ready when he comes, because this will work for sure.
You have to get out there and find you a husband if that's what you want.
The longer you stay out of the game the harder it is to get back in.
The most successful way to meet someone today is via hookup/matchmaker. You have to have someone in between to speak well of you on your behalf. It's just no other way for adults today. This go between person can be anybody who can say one nice about you. IDK, the waiter at your favorite lunch spot who meets 50 new people a day. I mean tell everybody...EVERYBODY!

 

[blue_flower]

I'm with you on this one. I just don't care anymore. I've tried and went out my way and have gotten nothing. I guess I'm meant to be single forever. I'm just going to focus on completing school so I can get a better paying job. Then I"ll be able to afford to do the things I"ve always wanted to in life, especially travel.

 

[FluffyRed]

I don't want to dampen the mood anymore and if this is too personal just ignore me, but for those who are taking themselves out of the game temporarily or maybe a bit longer, do you not want children? If you found somebody, would you then want to grow a family with your SO?

I used to think I would have children, because that's what women did, but the more I look at moms and kids, I don't have the patience. I'm glad I get to walk away from that annoying little brat screaming, cursing or smacking his mommy in the grocery store. And the way some teens behave, I would be in jail.

Re: the bolded statement: I'm ashamed to admit that I've been doing this. I joined Facebook about a month ago. It's been awkward when all my old classmates and friends are showing off photos of their children and SO's. Most of them are all, "Hey Foxee, you look great! Are you married, have a boyfriend or kids?"

I can also relate regarding the comments from married friends. They mean well, but it's advice I've heard a thousand times.

"The right man will come along when you're not looking!"

"Pray for a husband!" (Gee, really? I never thought of that. )
"Have you tried those dating sites? My co-worker/sister/cousin tried one and she's married now!"

That focus can depress you. Marriage can be the absolute worst thing on earth. It is not always going to equal happiness. My husband was building up to a DV situation (swung at me and threatened me) and I had to call the cops on him. I had enough money for a night at a hotel or gas to get out of state. He was unremorseful about his behavior and would not go to therapy. I left while he was at work, leaving the new furniture my grandmother got us as a gift. Highly stressful.

When you ladies say 'take yourself out of the game' what exactly does that mean?

For me, it's not devoting mental energy that way. Not stressing anymore, not checking the ring fingers of men in my age group anymore. If someone is interested, it needs to start as friendship. I'm not open to being "swept off my feet" or romanced.

 

[sunshinebeautiful]

For ME, it just means I'm not looking for anyone for a longterm relationship AT THIS TIME. The quality of men in this particular city are not conducive for the type of relationship "I" want. As far as sex and good times, I'm not giving that up. I like touching, kissing and the natural feel of a man.

There's also a difference between being alone and lonely. I enjoy my space, but I'm not a hermit or on some celibate tip.

What I find depressing is that most of the women posting who have taken themselves out are in their early to mid twenties. I find that disturbing and sad.

I can see doing it "temporarily" to get yourself together and redefine what you want, but not years. It's normal to want to be with someone, especially when you're young and free.

If your "prince charming" never comes what are you going to do? Never, ever, kiss, touch or sex a man again? If so, more power to you, but as human beings the urge to merge with someone will be there until you die.

OK cuz I was wondering...

And at the bolded.... it's a sad state of affairs out here, but it's way too early to give up on the game in your 20s. I tell myself that all the time when I'm like, hmmm, when's the last time you met a decent man that was into you?

 

[ixoyegodisgood]

I look over what I am looking for and I really dont think that I am asking for much, I think its that not many people share my convicitions that are still single, so I know it is going to be hard. I am only really attracted to black men. Unfortunately, it appears that black women are out of season for black men here in chicagoland . That being said, most people I meet like me. I dont have a chip on my shoulder (havent had one in years) so I am always smiling and laughing. I can atest to one flaw is that when men make eye contact with me, I tend to not keep it longer than 2 seconds (a mini lifetime for me). I am still getting over a lot of my shyness. I can't blame men for my lack of having a mate, because I do recongnize a few minor things in my self that I need to work on (eye contact, [sometimes] small talk...just basics). I may be naive, but I do think there are a lot of good men left. I really do. Its just if I can get out of my own way to let them in is the question.

 

[Glib Gurl]

What I find depressing is that most of the women posting who have taken themselves out are in their early to mid twenties. I find that disturbing and sad.

it's a sad state of affairs out here, but it's way too early to give up on the game in your 20s. I tell myself that all the time when I'm like, hmmm, when's the last time you met a decent man that was into you?

^^^Ditto to all of the above. Many of you ladies are so young (and others still would say the same of me - I'm 31) to be giving up on the notion of being partnered. Believe me, I tried being the miserable, woe-is-me twentysomething . . . not a big turn-on, trust! I thought that if I *acted* like I didn't care, then I'd pull a man by default (sort of like the "he will come when you aren't looking for him" line of thought). But really all it did was make me shy and unhappy . . . again, not a big turn-on

I totally agree with Taliah below . . . .

I believe you have to be proactive if you want marriage. By your 30-40's I just don't believe it's about chance anymore. At this age the chances just are not in your favor anymore. I would suggest telling everyone you know what your goals are and the type of guy you are looking for and tell them to let you know if they know of a quality man who's looking for the same things. This way you have firsthand knowledge whether they are a jerk or really serious about committing, well the best chance possible, better than a stranger. I mean tell everyone, it can't be a self contained desire that you're looking for your dreamboat. Every other person out here knows some great man or woman looking for love. Just be ready when he comes, because this will work for sure.
You have to get out there and find you a husband if that's what you want.

I have a friend who is divorcing her husband (who is, honestly and truly, a waste of space - I'm so glad she's leaving him) and is already putting into motion her plans to get remarried. To start off, she's lost 70 lbs Now, not that losing weight is the fix to everything, but in doing so, she's just developed a much happier sense of self (must be all the endorphins ). She's paying more attention to her hair, makeup and clothing (no more schlumpadinka for her! ) and makes it a point to go out socially every weekend - she doesn't care if she has to go by herself, she will hit the club and go dancing for an hour or two just to meet folks.

At first, I thought she was nuts. But now, after seeing this transformation, I have no doubt that she will get married again to a person who is worthy of the gem that she is.

As for me, I am doing a couple of things. One, I'm getting healthy. (She's helping me a lot in this regard.) Also, I'm trying to do more "research" (both in terms of reading books, talking to people who are coupled up, etc.) in terms of how to meet/attract men. (I am abysmal when it comes to flirting. I'm a complete girly girl and have no male friends; therefore, I have no idea how guys behave and I'm generally clueless about the male species.) Right now, my big focus is just trying to be more "open" - not look away when a stranger gives me a glance, making sure I leave the house dressed as if I'll run into my worst enemy , and just trying to have a more upbeat attitude. (No really . . . shut up! Stop laughing! )

I used to think I would have children, because that's what women did, but the more I look at moms and kids, I don't have the patience. I'm glad I get to walk away from that annoying little brat screaming, cursing or smacking his mommy in the grocery store. And the way some teens behave, I would be in jail.

...

For me, it's not devoting mental energy that way. Not stressing anymore, not checking the ring fingers of men in my age group anymore. If someone is interested, it needs to start as friendship. I'm not open to being "swept off my feet" or romanced.

First off, I totally feel you on being able to walk away from them bad kids at the grocery store. I still do want children, though. I think in the next couple of years I will start mentoring . . . I know that I have something to offer, even if the children are not my own, and I want to get involved with that.

As for your definition, I think that's a good one - taking yourself out of the game = "not stressing" about if and when it will happen. Just going on with your life and learning to have a good time regardless.

 

[Taliah]

You and your girlfriend are doing the damn thing.
Tell everybody what you're looking for. The more people speaking on your behalf the less work you have to do. The two of you can help each other...that's cool. The more support a man knows you have in your life the easier the relationship is for you.

 

[Glib Gurl]

You and your girlfriend are doing the damn thing.
Tell everybody what you're looking for. The more people speaking on your behalf the less work you have to do. The two of you can help each other...that's cool. The more support a man knows you have in your life the easier the relationship is for you.

Thanks for the encouragement. The only hitch is that most of my other girlfriends are man-hunting, too! So, I can only tell people who aren't in competition with me . . . LOL!

 

[dannie]

I don't want to dampen the mood anymore and if this is too personal just ignore me, but for those who are taking themselves out of the game temporarily or maybe a bit longer, do you not want children? If you found somebody, would you then want to grow a family with your SO?

Reading the responses, I find myself relating to many of you. I'm 20, so I don't plan on taking myself out of the game anytime soon. But sometimes I wonder if I will ever find somebody and somebody I feel worthy enough to create a family with. I've only met two men I've ever been truly compatible with but for distance reasons (I've been moving around so frickkin much) things kind of dissipated. But other than that, nooo.. I find myself happy with just a few friends and a little peace and quiet. And sometimes maybe finding love isn't for everybody. Especially, in this era. Socially, I feel I am slowly getting screwed over in this rap/text messaging/quickie-quickie culture.

I would love have to have children one day!!!

I'd be more than willing to adopt but if that proves too difficult or time consuming, I would look into IVF, but its not my 1st option.

I dont look at taking myself out the game as giving up or as a depressing thing. I think I'm just being realistic in my expectations. Sitting around trying to squeeze blood out a turnip...now that's depressing.

 

[Taliah]

Thanks for the encouragement. The only hitch is that most of my other girlfriends are man-hunting, too! So, I can only tell people who aren't in competition with me . . . LOL!

HAHAHA...well pick another neighborhood and set up camp, ya'll got work to do.

 

[phynestone]

Like others, I have days when I feel down and discouraged, but I won't let it deter me from something I truly desire (a good husband and provider for our children). I'm still beautiful, smart and I'm still going to do me (no pun intended).

 

[zora]

I just broke up with an ex-boyfriend. That's right, 'ex-boyfriend'. He wasn't even fully my boyfriend again and I had to cut him loose. Even though I knew he had issues and he wasn't good for me, it still broke my heart, when I had to cut ties.

I've been depressed the past week, got a little sick, but now I"m back, dammit.

I'm in Operation-GM (get married!). I'm not playing. I think the break-up was God's way of opening the path of blessings and I'm going to take advantage!

Vev, I feel you. I think we're similiar in age and we think alike in many issues. Please, please do not give up. You're a blessing to someone in this world.

 

[tiara76]

the purpose of relationships is to grow yourself and the other...every relationship you engage in isn't meant to be your 'marriage" relationship and most people aren't "in love" in relationships.....if you aren't consciously working on yourself to get yourself into a better state to be able to be the love you want and attract it/transform it into your life and you desperately want a "marriage" it won't happen while you are in denial of dealing with your own issues and the relationships you do attract will be mirrors that will bring up those issues u need to deal with which more than likely will be "negative" relationships in a state of unawareness and instead of seeing them for the growing and stepping stones to get you to where you want to be so that you are capable of being in a loving relationship, you will just reject them and fall into a state of misery because you think if you engage with somebody and they are not the "one" or aren't acting "accordingly" or "loving you" then its a waste of time and energy.....when those "failed" relationships are the biggest opportunities to transform yourself into true love and find true love to reflect back to you in the form of a relationship

if we are made in his image, then you are nothing more than a powerful creator with the ability to create your reality based on your beliefs, feelings, and thoughts.....

if you feel it wont' happen, isn't meant for everybody or yourself, or that everybody outside of you are dogs and assholes....you get to experience that

if you want to change that experience subconscious thoughts and beliefs will have to be changed, not just conscious thoughts and realizing that major subconscious shifts if you aren't aware of yourself will seem to play out in "negatively" in your mind because they have to be surfaced and released before the "positives" take their place...and if you can't see that and take the negative surfacings usually in relationships outside yourself if u dont look inward urself to figure them out then u will most likely think its more so confirmation that things are jacked up for you and fall right back into the same mindset

 

[Lucie]

Nice thoughts but say you started dating at 18. How many years was it before you met your husband? Hmmmmm?

I just turned 19 when I met him and we married a year to the date that we met. I wasn't looking to get married. I always thought that my grandchildren would drag me down the aisle but perception is not always reality. I've always said men are like lost keys. The more you look for them, the less likely you are to find them. As it always turns out, when you stop looking you find them!

I haven't said it to many people but I may be divorcing my husband. Time will tell. Obviously, if we divorce I will be single again. I may enjoy it at first maybe not. Whatever happens I DO know that I am worthy of love and will find it. I have no doubts about that. And please don't take that as me insinuating that you lovely ladies are not worthy of love. I know my flaws, I know my strengths and I know what I have to offer a man. It may take time but I know whatever my outcome I will be with a good man that treats me like a queen.

 

[MzLady78]

I just turned 19 when I met him and we married a year to the date that we met. I wasn't looking to get married. I always thought that my grandchildren would drag me down the aisle but perception is not always reality. I've always said men are like lost keys. The more you look for them, the less likely you are to find them. As it always turns out, when you stop looking you find them!

I haven't said it to many people but I may be divorcing my husband. Time will tell. Obviously, if we divorce I will be single again. I may enjoy it at first maybe not. Whatever happens I DO know that I am worthy of love and will find it. I have no doubts about that. And please don't take that as me insinuating that you lovely ladies are not worthy of love. I know my flaws, I know my strengths and I know what I have to offer a man. It may take time but I know whatever my outcome I will be with a good man that treats me like a queen.

Oh my goodness, really?!

I'm sorry to hear that.

 

[FlowerHair]

the purpose of relationships is to grow yourself and the other...every relationship you engage in isn't meant to be your 'marriage" relationship and most people aren't "in love" in relationships.....if you aren't consciously working on yourself to get yourself into a better state to be able to be the love you want and attract it/transform it into your life and you desperately want a "marriage" it won't happen while you are in denial of dealing with your own issues and the relationships you do attract will be mirrors that will bring up those issues u need to deal with which more than likely will be "negative" relationships in a state of unawareness and instead of seeing them for the growing and stepping stones to get you to where you want to be so that you are capable of being in a loving relationship, you will just reject them and fall into a state of misery because you think if you engage with somebody and they are not the "one" or aren't acting "accordingly" or "loving you" then its a waste of time and energy.....when those "failed" relationships are the biggest opportunities to transform yourself into true love and find true love to reflect back to you in the form of a relationship

if we are made in his image, then you are nothing more than a powerful creator with the ability to create your reality based on your beliefs, feelings, and thoughts.....

if you feel it wont' happen, isn't meant for everybody or yourself, or that everybody outside of you are dogs and assholes....you get to experience that

if you want to change that experience subconscious thoughts and beliefs will have to be changed, not just conscious thoughts and realizing that major subconscious shifts if you aren't aware of yourself will seem to play out in "negatively" in your mind because they have to be surfaced and released before the "positives" take their place...and if you can't see that and take the negative surfacings usually in relationships outside yourself if u dont look inward urself to figure them out then u will most likely think its more so confirmation that things are jacked up for you and fall right back into the same mindset

Thank you
This is exactly what I believe

 

[vevster]

I just turned 19 when I met him and we married a year to the date that we met. I wasn't looking to get married. I always thought that my grandchildren would drag me down the aisle but perception is not always reality. I've always said men are like lost keys. The more you look for them, the less likely you are to find them. As it always turns out, when you stop looking you find them!

I haven't said it to many people but I may be divorcing my husband. Time will tell. Obviously, if we divorce I will be single again. I may enjoy it at first maybe not. Whatever happens I DO know that I am worthy of love and will find it. I have no doubts about that. And please don't take that as me insinuating that you lovely ladies are not worthy of love. I know my flaws, I know my strengths and I know what I have to offer a man. It may take time but I know whatever my outcome I will be with a good man that treats me like a queen.

In my experience, I have seen that women who marry tend to remarry as opposed to women that have never been married.

I'm kinda like Hairlove. I don't think I have that man mojo. I'm a Virgo, so I have done all the book reading trying to 'fix me'. I've seen psychics all kinds of BS to be marriage material.

I don't think I am so terrible. I just want to be me right now, and stop wasting energy on something that is not bearing fruit.

 

[BroadstreetBully]

I just turned 19 when I met him and we married a year to the date that we met. I wasn't looking to get married. I always thought that my grandchildren would drag me down the aisle but perception is not always reality. I've always said men are like lost keys. The more you look for them, the less likely you are to find them. As it always turns out, when you stop looking you find them!

I haven't said it to many people but I may be divorcing my husband. Time will tell. Obviously, if we divorce I will be single again. I may enjoy it at first maybe not. Whatever happens I DO know that I am worthy of love and will find it. I have no doubts about that. And please don't take that as me insinuating that you lovely ladies are not worthy of love. I know my flaws, I know my strengths and I know what I have to offer a man. It may take time but I know whatever my outcome I will be with a good man that treats me like a queen.

This is what has always worked for me, but it seems like it hasn't worked for other ladies.

I used to do the whole 'looking' thing and putting myself out there, but that didn't work for me. It DOES work for many other people, but they are usually the outgoing type. I've never been very outgoing in that sense. 'Looking' only made me feel more depressed and insecure. I found myself attracted to different guys, but they usually weren't into me OR they were taken. It's then that I was like, 'forget this, I'm doing my thing and he'll find me'. They find me and I get to do the 'hiring' or 'firing'.

I do understand the frustration you ladies are feeling and I say, if you're happy with your decision that's all that matters.

 

[BroadstreetBully]

Has anyone noticed that men rarely go through stuff like this? They play around and enjoy bachelorhood, and when they're ready to get married they snap their fingers and BAM, she's there. Crazy huh? That's why I take the male approach, seems to work for me.

 

[tiara76]

Has anyone noticed that men rarely go through stuff like this? They play around and enjoy bachelorhood, and when they're ready to get married they snap their fingers and BAM, she's there. Crazy huh? That's why I take the male approach, seems to work for me.

I'm not so convinced that is the "male" approach more so than a natural human approach...to explore different relationships to learn and experience and engage with others until ready to get married....I am baffled as to why its not a "female" thing, its seems quite natural and normal to me

 

[vevster]

I'm not so convinced that is the "male" approach more so than a natural human approach...to explore different relationships to learn and experience and engage with others until ready to get married....I am baffled as to why its not a "female" thing, its seems quite natural and normal to me

Well, that is YOU. Everyone is different.

 

[Kiadodie]

You know, I used to feel like this, but in the last two relationships I was in (including my current one... which I think is "the" one), I haven't had that giddy infatuated butterlies-in-stomach feeling.

At first, I wondered if something was wrong, but a few of my wise advisors and friends said that perhaps I was finally taking a more "mature" approach to how I evaluated and chose a partner, and that the "head over heels" feeling, while fun, was a poor way to determine whether a man was right for me.

I know it's different for everyone, and people manage their feelings differently, but I have found success going by the belief that the unromantic stuff -- will he be a good husband/provider/father/protector -- should be first and foremost the basis of my decision to get involved with a man, and then, the more this man shows the qualities, the more my love and affection will grow... so when I become "head over heels," there's actually a foundation for my feeling, not smoke and mirrors.

(Now sure, I still need to be attracted to the dude, and turned on and all that... but I think the way that many women date -- trying to determine if there's "chemistry" after a few interactions before moving forward -- is a method that frequently leads to disaster.)

Bunny, do you mind me asking how you met him?

 

[Kiadodie]

I have....

I just can't take all the statistics and bad experiences.... I'm not a twenty something so I might as well just put myself into retirement.

It is easier I think to not have certain hopes and aspirations.....


I give up.

Awww, Vev. I totally understand how you feel.

I was out and about looking for someone and what I found was horrible BUT it showed me on things that I needed to work on myself.

I asked God to show me where I needed to be healed in order for me to attract a healthy, nice relationship and God did just that.

I've taken the aggressive approach in that I've stopped trying to look outside of myself and instead just find happiness within & as cliche as that sounds, for the first time I'm content w/ myself..not cause I have a man, or have a great job, or what shoes I've bought etc etc but I'm really learning to accept myself and find validation within. With that, the world AROUND me is beginning to change. I'm making myself available to meet different people nad have different experiences, and I love it. I haven't met the "one" YET..but I do believe I am on my way.

Saying all that, I just wanna say take care of yourself and do what makes YOU happy.

 

[Growinpainz]

I am quite tired myself, very very tired. I'm headed towards the door...

 

[BroadstreetBully]

I'm not so convinced that is the "male" approach more so than a natural human approach...to explore different relationships to learn and experience and engage with others until ready to get married....I am baffled as to why its not a "female" thing, its seems quite natural and normal to me

Agreed, but I'm talking about from a 'biological' perspective. Men just have it better. I know a few men who take being single hard, but honestly, most don't.

I never hear men talk about trying to stay busy and focus on other stuff to get their mind off of being single. Being single just doesn't 'phase' them to the same extent. When a man decides HE is ready to settle down, there are usually plenty of women available to him. Hell, he already has women trying to trying to get him to the altar before he's ready.

It just seems like by nature, men find comfort in 'freedom'. They can always find ways to enjoy bachelorhood. Women on the other hand, not as fortunate. Being single gets pretty old pretty fast, and a relationship is like the ultimate hobby for us.

Now I'm single and having a ball, but I'm also in my early twenties and not ready to settle down. I'm not going to act like it's as easy as saying 'READY TO BE A WIFE', and in a snap it happens. It's different for women and men. The opportunity for marriage is always available for men, and it's up to them to choose when they are ready. Women just have to sit back and wait. (Usually when it comes to dating later in life, this isn't the case for those who met their SOs when they were teens or twenty somethings)

 

[SimpleBrooklyn]

I have....

I just can't take all the statistics and bad experiences.... I'm not a twenty something so I might as well just put myself into retirement.

It is easier I think to not have certain hopes and aspirations.....


I give up.

i feel you! i cant say that ive had any abnormally bad experiences or that i have ever been an active participant in the game. but i do know that i just wanna fall back and take care of me. im tired of pretending to try. im just tired. period.