Has anyone decided to just take themselves out of the GAME?
- Thread starter vevster
- Start date
Ballerina_Bun
Well-Known Member
I am not sure if I understand your reasons Vevster, but I have considered taking myself out of “the game” for awhile, because I have not met very many men that can meet me on the same level that I am spiritually. It’s a very painful and boring thing to be unequally yoked, when a big part of who you are is your Spiritual self. You want and need a mate that can be a part of this fluently, and not just as a mere sounding board to listen to you. I know I get bored with that.
Dating and Marriage can be disappointing. The wrong BF, SO, DH can ROT the soul! Trust me on that one … lol!
I don’t know what your spiritual or religious affiliation is, but you can substitute God for whoever your Higher Power is and it will carry the same wisdom. It’s a lovely book. It even discusses creating a spiritual Baby … where your thoughts should while trying to create “that child” during sex.
The following are excerpts from “ The Wisdom of Yogananda, Volume3 SPIRITUAL RELATIONSHIPS” – by Paramhansa Yogananda
Dating and Marriage can be disappointing. The wrong BF, SO, DH can ROT the soul! Trust me on that one … lol!
I don’t know what your spiritual or religious affiliation is, but you can substitute God for whoever your Higher Power is and it will carry the same wisdom. It’s a lovely book. It even discusses creating a spiritual Baby … where your thoughts should while trying to create “that child” during sex.
The following are excerpts from “ The Wisdom of Yogananda, Volume3 SPIRITUAL RELATIONSHIPS” – by Paramhansa Yogananda
“un married people can unite the creative-nature-force spiritually with the soul-force within them, by learning the right method of meditation and by applying it to the physical life. They may not have to go through the experience of outer marriage, if they learn to marry their feminine physical impulse with the masculine soul force within.” Pg. 96
“Unless human love is spiritualized, it will be a canker in your soul. Unless you are spiritually minded and you mate is the same, you can never be happy. Spiritual marriage means to marry your soul to the eternal love of God. Without God, marriage cannot succeed. The purpose of marriage is to know God, and to be together in God. Unfortunately, this truth has been forgotten.” Pg.86
“If you can not find your true soul companion, do not marry. If you have found God, you do not need a human marriage. It is better to remain single than to enter into a wrong marriage. Transmute matrimonial love into love divine, and bring back your consciousness from the sex plane to the plane of paradise.” Pg. 87
“The more we allow ourselves to be drawn toward matter, the more our souls will express disharmony and unhappiness. When, however, the love-starved soul turns toward the perfect, all-loving, blissful God, then a real spiritual marriage results. God is the Bridegroom, and all souls are His brides.
Marriage is unnecessary for those who are wedded to the ever-intoxicating bliss God. That is why Jesus, St. Francis, Swami Shankara and babaji were un married. They found perfect love, perfect joy and a perfect mate in the complete and perfect God- hence they had no need to marry.
Marriage is a delusive way of finding God. In the moonlight, under the influence of passion and emotion, married couples promise each other eternal love. When they die, the moon laughs at the their skulls strewn in graves over the earth. It laughs, reflecting on their failed promises, given under the intoxication of emotion.” Pg. 72-73
“True marriage is only for people who seek divine love in human expression. This is very difficult, for almost all marriages are preceded by only a little love, with passion predominating. In such cases, sex takes the place of love. Then true love, which is unconditional, quickly slips from the heart … Without divine love, married couples fail to entertain or respect one another, and the marriage goes on the rocks. Sex charm, intellectuality, beauty, money, culture, or personal magnetism cannot keep two souls together. Every man and woman seeks perfect love in his or her mate, but it is impossible of fulfillment until divine love is expressed in action, motive and in all life’s ambitions.”
“Unless human love is spiritualized, it will be a canker in your soul. Unless you are spiritually minded and you mate is the same, you can never be happy. Spiritual marriage means to marry your soul to the eternal love of God. Without God, marriage cannot succeed. The purpose of marriage is to know God, and to be together in God. Unfortunately, this truth has been forgotten.” Pg.86
“If you can not find your true soul companion, do not marry. If you have found God, you do not need a human marriage. It is better to remain single than to enter into a wrong marriage. Transmute matrimonial love into love divine, and bring back your consciousness from the sex plane to the plane of paradise.” Pg. 87
“The more we allow ourselves to be drawn toward matter, the more our souls will express disharmony and unhappiness. When, however, the love-starved soul turns toward the perfect, all-loving, blissful God, then a real spiritual marriage results. God is the Bridegroom, and all souls are His brides.
Marriage is unnecessary for those who are wedded to the ever-intoxicating bliss God. That is why Jesus, St. Francis, Swami Shankara and babaji were un married. They found perfect love, perfect joy and a perfect mate in the complete and perfect God- hence they had no need to marry.
Marriage is a delusive way of finding God. In the moonlight, under the influence of passion and emotion, married couples promise each other eternal love. When they die, the moon laughs at the their skulls strewn in graves over the earth. It laughs, reflecting on their failed promises, given under the intoxication of emotion.” Pg. 72-73
“True marriage is only for people who seek divine love in human expression. This is very difficult, for almost all marriages are preceded by only a little love, with passion predominating. In such cases, sex takes the place of love. Then true love, which is unconditional, quickly slips from the heart … Without divine love, married couples fail to entertain or respect one another, and the marriage goes on the rocks. Sex charm, intellectuality, beauty, money, culture, or personal magnetism cannot keep two souls together. Every man and woman seeks perfect love in his or her mate, but it is impossible of fulfillment until divine love is expressed in action, motive and in all life’s ambitions.”
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Sunrise
Ugh
Yep, thoroughly!
I decided to place my energies elsewhere rather that dating some aimless, child infested and/or damaged men.
BroadstreetBully
New Member
Well they say you find him when you're not looking for him...
Ballerina_Bun
Well-Known Member
Amen!
That's how I met my "First Love". Heck, I met him when i went away to an all girls school just to get away from boys/men and focus on my studies. Then this spiritual, deep chocolate, good looking brother approaches me.
He was a sweetheart. 
vevster
Well-Known Member
I've heard that for more yrs than I care to share...
Well, if you mean as far as looking for a "longterm" relationship, yeah, I'm kinda done with that for now. Los Angeles is not the place if you're looking for the man of your dreams. The type of man I'm looking for will not be found in this city, which is why I'll be leaving some time next year.
But... I'm not giving up sex. I may not be looking for a relationship, but I'm not putting myself in some self-imposed celibacy exile. I got needs. LOL!
Also, to be perfectly honest, I kinda like having my own space and not having to "compromise" with someone or worry about their "feelings". It's such a relief. If I ever do meet the "right" person I know I'll feel differently.
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Duchesse
Well-Known Member
I've purposefully taken myself out the game for now. Not returning lame texts, not responding to lame men. My focus is on me and only me right now. I have a lot of growth to do, and don't have the desire to spend any of it on lame men.
I eventually would love to meet a man and get married, etc., but I'm preparing myself to be financially secure and fulfilled otherwise, just in case it doesn't happen......even though I think that it will.... I've wasted a lot of time getting all head over heels, when I should have been more serious about my own development.
But don't give up completely Vevster! Don't put yourself in the grave while you are still alive.
I eventually would love to meet a man and get married, etc., but I'm preparing myself to be financially secure and fulfilled otherwise, just in case it doesn't happen......even though I think that it will.... I've wasted a lot of time getting all head over heels, when I should have been more serious about my own development.
But don't give up completely Vevster! Don't put yourself in the grave while you are still alive.
Duchesse
Well-Known Member
Just being nosey...where do you plan on going? I'm on a relocation high for 2010....
Don't know yet, but it won't be a major city and it needs to be diverse. Can't live in a city or town where only one or two races dominate like this one (latinos) or Atlanta (blacks).
I find that the big cities are doing the worst right now. I'm perfectly willing to do a small town or midlevel city in the midwest somewhere.
I'm preparing for this as well. The goal now is to get my money together so I'm not eating cat food when I can no longer work. According to astrologyzone.com this month is the best time to make these changes happen for my sign (Scorpio).
Duchesse
Well-Known Member
I so feel you. I wonder if some locations makes one want to "take themselves out the game" more than others. Good luck with wherever you decide to go!
Duchesse
Well-Known Member
Yes...it would not be sexy to subsist on cat food! Please, if I had enough money, I would be leaving nyc next week. For many reasons, this place is not where it's at for me.
Not to hijack, but I left NYC years ago for the very same reasons. What's funny is that I was thinking about moving back last year before Wall Street fell, because LA (in fact the entire state of Cali) was at death's door financially. By the sheer Grace of God I was able to find a job working for the worst man I have ever worked for in my life, but I can honestly say that he puts to shame any other boss I thought was a bastard. He makes them look like choir boys.
Back to topic.
jupitermoon
New Member
I'll be 25 next month and I've taken myself out of the game too. This may sound controversial, but I don't think everyone will find love. In other words, there's not someone for everyone. Now, I'm just focusing on my hobbies to make me happy. My pets make me happy too. Most men are just assholes.
LifeafterLHCF
New Member
I have been out of the game for 3 going on 4 years.When I first said no dating I thought some nice guy would have picked me up by now.But 3 years later no such luck.I have found that being single has allowed me a much deeper relationship with God and if God wants me to marry I will be a better woman for it.Im much to old at 23 to be dating aimlessly and letting just any person with a penis to take my energy.I also am not having horiztoal workouts either.I know someone already said they have needs but I feel that I will not be a slave to my desires anymore which means sex is not needed.The only purpose for it is pleasure for married couples and procreation within the marriage ideally.I desire to advance in my career and build worthwhile relationships with friends and family and learn to be ok alone.It took some time but Im great being solo because Im comfortable with me.
Vevster - What do you truly mean by taking yourself out of the game? Are you getting dates or meeting men but they just are not quality men? Or is it a big ole zero?
Either way, I can understand where you're coming from. For me, I don't need to take myself out of the game as it seems I'm just not in it (and no one told me!)
So, I don't have any words of advice but I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. Love isn't happening for me either. I'm trying not to lose faith.
Either way, I can understand where you're coming from. For me, I don't need to take myself out of the game as it seems I'm just not in it (and no one told me!)
So, I don't have any words of advice but I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. Love isn't happening for me either. I'm trying not to lose faith.
honeybuni84
New Member
We are in the same place. Every word
I have felt this way for a very long time. Why else would someone be single their entire life ?
I feel this way right now... I mean why else cant an attractive female not get a date..I tried not to give up on love, but really it's about that time for me. I just dont get it. I really don't go out on dates, but when i do they are always nightmares. Its pretty comical the way my dating life has gone. I go through periods where my desire to be with someone is strong and then it wanes down to just getting some every so often.
This summer I thought I met someone I thought i could really be with until he stomped my heart in 1000 pieces. That kind of pain coupled with a about 10 years of feeling like an outsider in the love game has made me want a permanent seat on the love sidelines... I have tried it all as far as online dating and just gotten nothing. I have had a few readings with psychics/tarot card reads, and they have been telling me this for a while.. maybe there is some truth to it....
If nothing happens by the end of 2009, its all over with me and dating and family until my son moves out. I am getting my tubes tied and thats the end of that...
vevster
Well-Known Member
Both; not quality men and I consider that a big ole zero... it is kinda unsettling the twenty somethings out there out of the game cause I quite am older.
What is killing me is that the NEXT GENERATION of my family is getting married now. I'm the only one in my generation that has not been married.
I've been in the game over 20 years ladies... and I'm tired.
and heartbroken....
I definitely know the feeling - is it possible to fall in love without this happening to women? No matter how much I consider myself level-headed and logical, when I get really infatuated with a guy I find myself seeing my life through his lens and subconsciously charting my future around his lifestyle. I see this happen with a lot of women I know too, so how do some women keep a balanced head so they don't lose themselves, even in the right man?
Bunny77
New Member
You know, I used to feel like this, but in the last two relationships I was in (including my current one... which I think is "the" one), I haven't had that giddy infatuated butterlies-in-stomach feeling.
At first, I wondered if something was wrong, but a few of my wise advisors and friends said that perhaps I was finally taking a more "mature" approach to how I evaluated and chose a partner, and that the "head over heels" feeling, while fun, was a poor way to determine whether a man was right for me.
I know it's different for everyone, and people manage their feelings differently, but I have found success going by the belief that the unromantic stuff -- will he be a good husband/provider/father/protector -- should be first and foremost the basis of my decision to get involved with a man, and then, the more this man shows the qualities, the more my love and affection will grow... so when I become "head over heels," there's actually a foundation for my feeling, not smoke and mirrors.
(Now sure, I still need to be attracted to the dude, and turned on and all that... but I think the way that many women date -- trying to determine if there's "chemistry" after a few interactions before moving forward -- is a method that frequently leads to disaster.)
Thank Bunny, great thoughts!
I feel like I'm only now learning at 29 how I should be evaluating men; with all the negative message thrown at women (especially black women) about how we need to meet a wifely ideal I felt like I needed to change myself to meet a particular guy's needs, cause of course something must be wrong with me since he's the prize ..right? A lot of this was subconscious but I'm glad I have more clarity nowadays.
I like how you laid out the practical mindset we should have - so keeping your criteria in the front of your mind must make it easier to seperate what's real from infatuation.
I've always liked to hear peoples say that their love and desire for their spouses continues to grow as they see the quality of their commitment and character. I don't like the idea of starting out on a peak of feelings where everything is downhill from there as the real person comes out.
I feel like I'm only now learning at 29 how I should be evaluating men; with all the negative message thrown at women (especially black women) about how we need to meet a wifely ideal I felt like I needed to change myself to meet a particular guy's needs, cause of course something must be wrong with me since he's the prize ..right? A lot of this was subconscious but I'm glad I have more clarity nowadays.
I like how you laid out the practical mindset we should have - so keeping your criteria in the front of your mind must make it easier to seperate what's real from infatuation.
I've always liked to hear peoples say that their love and desire for their spouses continues to grow as they see the quality of their commitment and character. I don't like the idea of starting out on a peak of feelings where everything is downhill from there as the real person comes out.
You know I really wish I could say something that would make you feel better but I don't want to come across or trite or downplaying your feelings.
It's ok to mourn what you consider loss in your life so please let it out.. but I would encourage you not to stay in that place for long. Tomorrow is always a day for new beginnings and our perceptions create our reality. There may even be unconventional plans of action you can take to reach your goal or dreams you've been sitting on that you can pull out and consider again...you don't have to remain powerless or without joy.
So mourn today, but you can act tomorrow.
Bunny77
New Member
The funny thing about the bolded was that this was me two years ago... I was 29 before I finally started to "get it." I was going through yet another frustrating "situation" (can't even call it a relationship)
where the dude pursued with mad swagger and all, and got me all excited and then he decided to get all wishy washy.Actually, he didn't "decide" anything -- if I'd paid attention, I would have seen that this was a recently divorced man NOT looking to be serious with any woman, but he was enjoying his newfound freedom to chase cute young girls and dictate the pace of our interactions... so it was all about what HE wanted to do and when, and little concern about my role in the "relationship."
Of course, everybody told me that I was too impatient, that I needed to chill and let things develop naturally, that maybe it could take a few years even but he'd come around... and sad to say I got this poor advice from people in my family who are old enough to know better...
One day I finally woke up and said ENOUGH. I was tired of years of "situations" in which I was always confused, concerned and depressed over men who came on strong and backed off... and how none of these men wanted to commit to me and be my boyfriend, and that I had every right to be bothered by the fact that I wasn't turning my myriad of dating opportunities into anything lasting.
So you're in a good spot, I'd say! I actually found Evia's blog to be extremely helpful in my process... I know that the interracial message turns a lot of people off, but if they read beneath that (unless they don't care about the IR part), she presents excellent points about how women should evaluate men and ALWAYS be looking to determine if the man they're with is marriage material and if he's looking for a wife or not.
I also found a lot of wisdom from books by Indian women who talk about their mindset in marrying men they've only known for a few months, and of course, the women on LHCF in great marriages as well!
Duchesse
Well-Known Member
The funny thing about the bolded was that this was me two years ago... I was 29 before I finally started to "get it." I was going through yet another frustrating "situation" (can't even call it a relationship)
I also found a lot of wisdom from books by Indian women who talk about their mindset in marrying men they've only known for a few months, and of course, the women on LHCF in great marriages as well!
What are the names of some of these books?
I agree with what you said regarding approaching a man from a more rational level, instead of chemistry first. Chemistry and those "oohlala" feelings have led many intelligent, and otherwise grounded women into some serious ish and fudged up situations.
vevster
Well-Known Member
What I am actually trying to do is let go....
Bunny77
New Member
Sure thing!
-"First Comes Marriage," by Reva Seth. She also has a website. http://firstcomesmarriage.com/
-"Getting Serious About Getting Married," by Debbie Maken. Maken is an Indian Christian, so her book is from a Christian perspective first and foremost. However, she talks about how her culture encouraged marriage and how she was able to draw on that when she was tired of going the world's way of choosing a partner, or doing the "wait on God" way.
-"Get Serious About Getting Married," by Janis Spindel. Similar title yes, and Janis is Jewish. She's also that expensive matchmaker lady in NYC, but her whole focus is getting her couples married. She believes that for people of a certain age (like over 30), it shouldn't take longer than a year after the first date for the couple to be engaged.
I know everyone doesn't want to get married, or might not want marriage in such a quick timeframe, but I think these books are good anyway for women who feel they lose control of themselves in relationships. The key is that the woman should be directing the relationship just as much as the man is.
Vev, sorry for jacking your thread.
Tybi
Active Member
Bunny77 and Raspberry are absolutely correct on first trying to find a man that is marriage material instead of focusing on "just finding a man" like so many young single women are doing. One of my friends is in this position, she 29, a single mom of 2 preteens, and she is so desperate to find a man that she is veering away form quality and focusing on just getting some guy at the club to ask for her number. Now I am not going to even TOUCH on the fact that she is presenting herself as a bad role model for her kids, but that she continually sets herself up for failure each time she takes this stupid approach. And I am quite tired of hearing her sob stories about it too.
Vevster, I know how it is. I took myself out of the game about 4 years ago when I started to go through this extreme spiritual process. I needed to focus on myself, and i know how cliche that sounds, but its true. When men approach me, I just walk by. I don't focus on the fact that I have not been on a real date in years, or that my Friday evenings are spent alone most of the time. Yes it bothers me at times, we are only human, but I try to have faith that all of this is for a reason. My thoughts are going back to relationships now, since I have finished school finally and am entering my career. I hope that for myself, and you too, that finding the right guy wont be so much of a game than a natural organic process that happens when the time is right.
Please don't give up!
Vevster, I know how it is. I took myself out of the game about 4 years ago when I started to go through this extreme spiritual process. I needed to focus on myself, and i know how cliche that sounds, but its true. When men approach me, I just walk by. I don't focus on the fact that I have not been on a real date in years, or that my Friday evenings are spent alone most of the time. Yes it bothers me at times, we are only human, but I try to have faith that all of this is for a reason. My thoughts are going back to relationships now, since I have finished school finally and am entering my career. I hope that for myself, and you too, that finding the right guy wont be so much of a game than a natural organic process that happens when the time is right.
Please don't give up!
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