Has anybody ever experienced or witnessed this phenomenon?

[MissJ]

This is an excerpt from a book I'm reading:

Any man, whatever his age, who tells you he is still trying to "find" himself is not looking for marriage or even a serious relationship. If he tells you this, get out before you get hurt. Men work on their careers first and settle later. They know that relationships take a lot of work, and they can only concentrate on one thing at a time.

A man who is developing himself doesn't have the time to devote to the relationship. And once he's achieved his goal, he's usually a different kind of person with different needs. He will probably be attracted to someone who see him after he's successful, not before. At this point he blieves that he can do better, than you, the one who accepted him without all the trappings of success. Not fair, not kind, but true.

Has anybody ever experienced or witnessed this phenomenon? If so, please share.

 

[GV-NA-GI-TLV-GE-I]

I 've often heard this is true...that the woman who helps a man make it to the top is dumped sometime in the relationship and he moves onto someone else once he's made it.

 

[BroadstreetBully]

Holy crap. YES! I've always wondered why it's like this. Of course we've seen the contrary to be true, but still. How many times have I seen a girl get a man on his feet, only for him to dump her and move on? This is why I'm not so keen on getting with someone before he has his stuff together. It all makes sense now.

 

[fluffylocks]

Holy crap. YES! I've always wondered why it's like this. Of course we've seen the contrary to be true, but still. How many times have I seen a girl get a man on his feet, only for him to dump her and move on? This is why I'm not so keen on getting with someone before he has his stuff together. It all makes sense now.

And I never understood why some women did that....it does all make sence now.

I was just thinking today though that I think they are way more focused on showing off and being better (some of them anyway)....the better car, "better" women....

ETA- I was just thinking about it....maybe because alot of people look at men to make money and judge them on how much they make...the ones that really care about what people think must want to have the whole package of what they think higher up is

 

[Vinyl]

I think it may be because the man has grown so much since then that he's more desirable to other women. And he no longer feels the need to stick with the girl for security reasons... so if he doesn't have strong enough reasons to stay with her, he'll get with someone else.

I've never witnessed this first-hand, though.

 

[Divine Inspiration]

Yes.

Part of the issue is women not understanding (or accepting) that men view themselves very differently than we do. We tend to place value on being "good", "nice", "sexy" or whatever while their own identity is largely attached to their work and their bank accounts. This is why a man can often be accepted and considered enough by a woman while he wrestles with low self-esteem or self-loathing. We don't get that our simple acceptance is an insufficient substitute for his perceived inadequacies. You can't love that away; he has to sort through it. And when you think about it, many of us are the same way...it's kind of like the guy who thinks you hung the moon and asks for your number when you're looking a hot, steamy mess...you kind of wonder about his taste if you're at your worst and he's all into you. We tend to get past it, but the male ego rarely allows them to do the same. Men respect women who have standards and boundaries. If yours are not above theirs, they tend to disengage psychologically as there is little to aspire to...they almost want to feel that they have to do more than just be themselves in order to have you.

I don't know that I completely agree with the part about concentration though because they will stop what they are doing and settle with a woman if she is the one who sets his alarm off. Some men are gun shy and can become overwhelmed with a woman who has herself together - particularly if she catches him off guard - but I still believe that a man who truly wants a woman will not let anything get in the way of being with her.

Anyway, I have experienced this, but the guy came back after he "got it together". However, I decided I wasn't interested in the upgrade for several reasons.

 

[TrendySocialite]

I agree with Divine Inspiration...

Men often view success as it relates to their career or possessions. Women often view success as it relates to their relationships (not just romantic). There are plenty of exceptions to both of these statements...so please don't take offense.

I also think that sometimes men grow and change and the women they are with don't (and sometimes don't want to).

But yes, if a man says he needs time to get himself together, then I'd say move on.

But there is no better public example of a woman staying by a man while he develops than our President and First Lady.

So I say, it all depends on the man...obviously.

 

[Bunny77]

For the most part, I can agree with the phenomenon and what each poster is saying.


The ONLY time I think that this doesn't happen as much is when BOTH people are at the same level getting themselves together, such as college students and recent grads. Arr1216 mentioned the Obamas, but I think it helped that they both had strong credentials already and were both relatively in the same place in life (recent Ivy League law grads) when they met. I also see successful relationships between two youngish people who met in college and then married right after they graduated.

When it's a case of the woman being a step ahead of the man, then I think it's a problem. Like if the woman is a college grad and he's just starting/barely making it through college, or if she has an advanced degree and he has "only" a bachelor's that's not making him much money in his field, etc.

 

[TrendySocialite]

I do agree with Bunny, I think there has to be a good amount of common ground there in order for it to really work. And you really can't be in it for what you get out of it or could potentially get out of it....that almost always backfires.

 

[itismehmmkay]

I guess I think the phenomenon makes sense. It takes time to find you identity, especially when you're young. And sometimes you realize that who you thought you were really wasn't what you had been projecting, or something like that. People evolve and so do relationships. With that said, I'd rather be with someone who has a good foundation on their ish. You can recognize who's in transition and who's not.

 

[Latomian]

What book is this btw?

 

[MissJ]

Date Like a Man

 

[LisaLisa1908]

This is my story. The reason FH and I broke up in the first place was because he wanted to "get himself together." Well yay you, suga. I let him go, and sure enough, he came back. Now we're getting married.

I will say that this has the potential to backfire, as there are those men who become very successful, then they feel like they can't trust any woman that wants to be with them because they aren't sure if it's for "him" or for what he has. Catch 22, da**ed if you do, da**ed if you don't.

All I know is, know what YOU want before you start blaming somebody else for not giving it to you.