mscocoface
Well-Known Member
You know what to do. Keeping you in prayer. Let us know how everything goes.
He never, ever compliments me. What does this mean? *vent*
- Thread starter Serenity_Peace
- Start date
hopeful
Well-Known Member
Oooh I would not put his name and book out there if I were you. You care enough about him (I think) to not put him on blast on the internet. JMHO. Otherwise if I were you I would keep it moving. I would ask though, what made you keep him around for 7 months? What are his strengths? What does he do right? Is there something about him that draws you in?
Serenity_Peace
Genius never dies!
^^^ Thanks. Probably not a good idea.
mscocoface
Well-Known Member
I was going to make the same suggestion SP. Pull his name and the book if you can.
GV-NA-GI-TLV-GE-I
New Member
Next!!! Imagine marrying that guy.
awhyley
Well-Known Member
He sounds desperate and immature if you ask me, which shouldn't be for a 41 year old. His deflecting his issues onto you is a sure sign of problems later on in the relationship. I would suggest that you NOT go further with this one. I'm sure you can find a better 'stand-by' guy until you meet 'the one' (cause it ain't this dude).
Serenity_Peace
Genius never dies!
I had to post this here for myself as much as for you ladies:
Letting Go of a Relationship…That Doesn’t Exist
There are two big questions hovering in the comments recently that pretty much amount to the same thing:
How do I let go of the guy that didn’t reciprocate my feelings?
How do I let go of the guy that I didn’t actually have a relationship with?
In essence, how do you let go of a one-sided attraction which in your mind has created a relationship out of…your feelings?
For a start, you can’t ‘break up’ when there is nothing to break up from. The only person you have to break up with is you and your rather overactive imagination and feelings.
The issue here isn’t really about ‘him’ as he’s not really part of the equation when you’ve created an illusion rather than keeping your feet in the real world - the issue is about you and the fact that you don’t want to let go of your feelings, your obsession, your drama.
There are four key reasons why these situations come about:
You are a queen of projection. You choose men that cater to your own negative self-fulfilling prophecy and are likely to leave you ‘crushing’ on them and then you project the feelings that you think you have on them and assume that because you think you feel a certain way about them, they should feel that way about you too. You want them to notice you, to see you in the way that you see them, and you conduct the great majority of this stuff in your head without communicating it to them and then wonder why they haven’t reciprocated your feelings.
You think that your feelings are big enough for the two of you. You lose all sense of proportion and become so consumed in how you feel that you want him to be swept up in all the love you have to give and that one day he’ll catch up to how you feel and return it. Trust me, they don’t.
You don’t actually want to be in a relationship. You’re living in a dream world and afraid of being rejected in the real world. In choosing men who are aloof and unlikely to be interested in you, you get to avoid having to be hurt in a way that you’re trying to avoid. Instead, you build sandcastles in the sky in your head and then feel rejected by your own daydreams because the reality is that you need some sort of inspiration for these illusions and he is not a part of your life. You’re very emotionally unavailable.
You don’t want to let go. As many of us have discovered, even if it’s the most toxic thing to continue feeling as we do or being involved with someone, we continue, not only because it’s a bit like ‘I’ve started so I’ll finish’ but also because even when there is nothing or it’s crap, we don’t want to let go.
We don’t want to get real with ourselves in case we find that we have something difficult or painful to look at, we don’t want to admit that we’re often creators of our own pain, and we certainly don’t want to admit that we’re letting go of something that didn’t exist, and if it did, it was for the most part in our heads.
Remember, it’s a bit difficult to make someone accountable for something that is a grand illusion in your head when you could have been making them accountable for real behaviours. Likewise, you can’t wonder why someone isn’t being and feeling what you want them to be when they’re not part of the relationship in your head.
These men end up acting as ‘inspiration’ for our latest round of feelings and it’s like they put some input in at the beginning and then we just take it from there, refusing to acknowledge whether they are even there or not and if they are behaving in line with what’s in our heads and if not, why not.
Quite frankly, any misery you are feeling is for the most part, your own creation because you are not interested in keeping your feet in reality and have been too busy wallowing in your own world. In doing this, you’re not seeing signs that you need to get real, and you’re not hearing signs that you need to get real. In fact, the person may have no clue that you are even interested in them, or if they do, they may have told you that they’re not interested and you switched to unreciprocated feelings mode and hovered there expecting him to see you in the way that you want to be seen and magically catch up with your feelings.
It doesn’t matter what they feel - you’re only interested in the fact that you feel what you feel and you want them to feel that too.
The thing is, from the moment that you recognise that you 1) are not having your feelings reciprocated and/or 2) that you’re not in a relationship with them, major warning signals should be going to your brain that there is something seriously wrong if you are still trying to get them to reciprocate and obsessing about them over an extended period of time.
It’s one thing to have a crush and it’s the other to crush the crap out of yourself in a self-destructive pursuit of pain and then blame it on someone else.
If you have made the choice to continue loving and chasing him with much of it taking place from your head as you wait for crumbs or nothing at all, you’re on a serious avoidance mission because it’s like you want to hide away on these self-created feelings of rejection rather than get out there in the real world and risk yourself in a real relationship.
Whilst I recognise that in some instances, we can be misled by a guy to believe that he feels more than he does, I tend to find that women who are in this situation are invariably in it because they decided that they were crazy about someone and don’t want to let that, and the fantasy go.
You’ve decided that you want him, love him, and to hell with it, you’ll find a way to show him that he should notice and love you too. You’re gonna ride this imaginary donkey of love till it collapses.
We’re back at the juncture again where we think that deciding that we love or feel something about someone creates an automatic IOU.
We’re also back at that juncture where we’re loving without any foundation for loving and then refusing to opt out because we don’t want to let go of the fantasy or the illusion and get real…and deal with our problems.
And trust me, if you’re doing this, you have some big issues to deal with because you’re engaging in incredibly self-destructive behaviour and repeatedly creating a rejection situation for yourself and then wondering why you’re in pain - because you did it, not him!
In all honesty, the only way that these situations end is when YOU end ‘it’. You don’t need to say anything because to be honest, I think some of these men would be a touch confused if you told them that something was over that they didn’t think had started.
Stop calling, stop chasing, stop texting, stop seeing a bread loaf when there is barely a crumb.
Stop waiting, stop hoping, stop projecting, stop the madness.
Stop creating drama and then wondering why you are miserable - as it’s all one sided, you are the master orchestrator of your own soap opera.
Commit to being in the real world. Take things at face value so when he doesn’t call, it’s because he doesn’t want to speak with you, not because he’s waiting for you to make a move. When you don’t hear from him for months, it’s not because you did something wrong that you need to figure out - it’s because you are not in a relationship and whilst you are daydreaming the crap out of your life, he is out there living his.
Yes that’s right living and if you spend your energy wanting men that don’t want you and then obsessing about why they don’t want you, your life will be at one mega grandstill.
If you point blank cannot accept that 1) it’s for the most part in your head, 2) if he doesn’t want you then it’s time to start learning to stop wanting him, 3) you’re creating your own drama and pain, then you must at least accept that you are 100% responsible for where you are now and that you don’t get to let yourself off the hook and blame him.
And then go and talk to someone because spending your life and brain time escaping from the real world whilst hurting yourself and not wanting that to change says that it’s time you spoke to someone and got to the heart of your issues.
But if you are at that point where you want to and can do something about this, don’t try to make things anymore complicated than they are because when you let go of something that doesn’t and didn’t exist, you have that power and are in the driving seat of what happens to you. Don’t make out like he has to do something to end this - you have to do something and cold turkey it out so that you can gain some real perspective and get to the heart of why you are engaging in this self-destructive behaviour so that you don’t go back.
Your thoughts?
Get ahead on understanding waste of space men and relationships with my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download. Also find out more about my No Contact Rule web seminar, or if you need personal advice or analysis of your relationship, check out my consultation service.
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/letting-go-of-a-relationshipthat-doesnt-exist/
Letting Go of a Relationship…That Doesn’t Exist
There are two big questions hovering in the comments recently that pretty much amount to the same thing:
How do I let go of the guy that didn’t reciprocate my feelings?
How do I let go of the guy that I didn’t actually have a relationship with?
In essence, how do you let go of a one-sided attraction which in your mind has created a relationship out of…your feelings?
For a start, you can’t ‘break up’ when there is nothing to break up from. The only person you have to break up with is you and your rather overactive imagination and feelings.
The issue here isn’t really about ‘him’ as he’s not really part of the equation when you’ve created an illusion rather than keeping your feet in the real world - the issue is about you and the fact that you don’t want to let go of your feelings, your obsession, your drama.
There are four key reasons why these situations come about:
You are a queen of projection. You choose men that cater to your own negative self-fulfilling prophecy and are likely to leave you ‘crushing’ on them and then you project the feelings that you think you have on them and assume that because you think you feel a certain way about them, they should feel that way about you too. You want them to notice you, to see you in the way that you see them, and you conduct the great majority of this stuff in your head without communicating it to them and then wonder why they haven’t reciprocated your feelings.
You think that your feelings are big enough for the two of you. You lose all sense of proportion and become so consumed in how you feel that you want him to be swept up in all the love you have to give and that one day he’ll catch up to how you feel and return it. Trust me, they don’t.
You don’t actually want to be in a relationship. You’re living in a dream world and afraid of being rejected in the real world. In choosing men who are aloof and unlikely to be interested in you, you get to avoid having to be hurt in a way that you’re trying to avoid. Instead, you build sandcastles in the sky in your head and then feel rejected by your own daydreams because the reality is that you need some sort of inspiration for these illusions and he is not a part of your life. You’re very emotionally unavailable.
You don’t want to let go. As many of us have discovered, even if it’s the most toxic thing to continue feeling as we do or being involved with someone, we continue, not only because it’s a bit like ‘I’ve started so I’ll finish’ but also because even when there is nothing or it’s crap, we don’t want to let go.
We don’t want to get real with ourselves in case we find that we have something difficult or painful to look at, we don’t want to admit that we’re often creators of our own pain, and we certainly don’t want to admit that we’re letting go of something that didn’t exist, and if it did, it was for the most part in our heads.
Remember, it’s a bit difficult to make someone accountable for something that is a grand illusion in your head when you could have been making them accountable for real behaviours. Likewise, you can’t wonder why someone isn’t being and feeling what you want them to be when they’re not part of the relationship in your head.
These men end up acting as ‘inspiration’ for our latest round of feelings and it’s like they put some input in at the beginning and then we just take it from there, refusing to acknowledge whether they are even there or not and if they are behaving in line with what’s in our heads and if not, why not.
Quite frankly, any misery you are feeling is for the most part, your own creation because you are not interested in keeping your feet in reality and have been too busy wallowing in your own world. In doing this, you’re not seeing signs that you need to get real, and you’re not hearing signs that you need to get real. In fact, the person may have no clue that you are even interested in them, or if they do, they may have told you that they’re not interested and you switched to unreciprocated feelings mode and hovered there expecting him to see you in the way that you want to be seen and magically catch up with your feelings.
It doesn’t matter what they feel - you’re only interested in the fact that you feel what you feel and you want them to feel that too.
The thing is, from the moment that you recognise that you 1) are not having your feelings reciprocated and/or 2) that you’re not in a relationship with them, major warning signals should be going to your brain that there is something seriously wrong if you are still trying to get them to reciprocate and obsessing about them over an extended period of time.
It’s one thing to have a crush and it’s the other to crush the crap out of yourself in a self-destructive pursuit of pain and then blame it on someone else.
If you have made the choice to continue loving and chasing him with much of it taking place from your head as you wait for crumbs or nothing at all, you’re on a serious avoidance mission because it’s like you want to hide away on these self-created feelings of rejection rather than get out there in the real world and risk yourself in a real relationship.
Whilst I recognise that in some instances, we can be misled by a guy to believe that he feels more than he does, I tend to find that women who are in this situation are invariably in it because they decided that they were crazy about someone and don’t want to let that, and the fantasy go.
You’ve decided that you want him, love him, and to hell with it, you’ll find a way to show him that he should notice and love you too. You’re gonna ride this imaginary donkey of love till it collapses.
We’re back at the juncture again where we think that deciding that we love or feel something about someone creates an automatic IOU.
We’re also back at that juncture where we’re loving without any foundation for loving and then refusing to opt out because we don’t want to let go of the fantasy or the illusion and get real…and deal with our problems.
And trust me, if you’re doing this, you have some big issues to deal with because you’re engaging in incredibly self-destructive behaviour and repeatedly creating a rejection situation for yourself and then wondering why you’re in pain - because you did it, not him!
In all honesty, the only way that these situations end is when YOU end ‘it’. You don’t need to say anything because to be honest, I think some of these men would be a touch confused if you told them that something was over that they didn’t think had started.
Stop calling, stop chasing, stop texting, stop seeing a bread loaf when there is barely a crumb.
Stop waiting, stop hoping, stop projecting, stop the madness.
Stop creating drama and then wondering why you are miserable - as it’s all one sided, you are the master orchestrator of your own soap opera.
Commit to being in the real world. Take things at face value so when he doesn’t call, it’s because he doesn’t want to speak with you, not because he’s waiting for you to make a move. When you don’t hear from him for months, it’s not because you did something wrong that you need to figure out - it’s because you are not in a relationship and whilst you are daydreaming the crap out of your life, he is out there living his.
Yes that’s right living and if you spend your energy wanting men that don’t want you and then obsessing about why they don’t want you, your life will be at one mega grandstill.
If you point blank cannot accept that 1) it’s for the most part in your head, 2) if he doesn’t want you then it’s time to start learning to stop wanting him, 3) you’re creating your own drama and pain, then you must at least accept that you are 100% responsible for where you are now and that you don’t get to let yourself off the hook and blame him.
And then go and talk to someone because spending your life and brain time escaping from the real world whilst hurting yourself and not wanting that to change says that it’s time you spoke to someone and got to the heart of your issues.
But if you are at that point where you want to and can do something about this, don’t try to make things anymore complicated than they are because when you let go of something that doesn’t and didn’t exist, you have that power and are in the driving seat of what happens to you. Don’t make out like he has to do something to end this - you have to do something and cold turkey it out so that you can gain some real perspective and get to the heart of why you are engaging in this self-destructive behaviour so that you don’t go back.
Your thoughts?
Get ahead on understanding waste of space men and relationships with my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download. Also find out more about my No Contact Rule web seminar, or if you need personal advice or analysis of your relationship, check out my consultation service.
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/letting-go-of-a-relationshipthat-doesnt-exist/
DragonPearl
Well-Known Member
jamaicalovely
Well-Known Member
Serenity, this drives me nuts too! I hated to complain about it because I felt needy. DH doesn't compliment me either and I go out my way to compliment dude. I get nothing in return either. Like the other ladies said - don't marry this guy. Yes, a woman needs to hear a compliment every once in awhile.
Serenity_Peace
Genius never dies!
Update: After trying to connect with him one last time, I decided to break it off.
I broke it off this evening.
I'm a little sad. Even cried a little. Once again, afraid that I'll never meet "The One." But, in the end, I couldn't see us moving forward at all. I couldn't envision me married to someone like that who won't even acknowledge what I bring to the table.
So I ended it...FOR GOOD!!!
I broke it off this evening.
I'm a little sad. Even cried a little. Once again, afraid that I'll never meet "The One." But, in the end, I couldn't see us moving forward at all. I couldn't envision me married to someone like that who won't even acknowledge what I bring to the table.
So I ended it...FOR GOOD!!!
sunflower
New Member
You will find him. I do not think this man was right for you. DH was the type to not compliment when we first started seeing each other but that changed. I think there was more to your situation other than him not complimenting you. You knew deep down that he was not the one. All is not lost SP. As long as you are looking you will find him.
hopeful
Well-Known Member
(((Hugs))) The good news is that now you have opened that space up for "the one". And think about what you learned about yourself. Please don't see those 7 months as a waste. You came into each others lives for a reason. And now you know even more what you MUST have to be happy, consider that a gift that the writer gave you.
Arcadian
New Member
Glad you saw the light. This guy was very unavailable emotionally by your post. Thats too bad because he's missing out.
Everybody likes to be told how nice they look, especially from someone they consider special. This guy..well... he was more into himself than into you.
You'll find that one for you. This one just wasn't it.
-A
Everybody likes to be told how nice they look, especially from someone they consider special. This guy..well... he was more into himself than into you.
You'll find that one for you. This one just wasn't it.
-A
~~HoneyComb~~
Well-Known Member
.
DragonPearl
Well-Known Member
.......................
DragonPearl
Well-Known Member
You will be with someone that lets you know he finds you attractive. Some men are good at saying it with words, other men are good at saying it with their eyes. If a man can't convey it at all, and you've only been dating for 7 months, that's not good. It's not like you've been married 20 years and are used to each other, and even then...
comike
Well-Known Member
Awww...sorry it didn't work out.
brownbeauty196
Active Member
You did the right thing, at his age he was unlikely to make any major changes.
CurliDiva
Well-Known Member
I hate seeing couples who are obviously on a date - where the woman looks nice and the guy looks like he's headed to the GYM!
They just don't look like they match!
Did this guy used to compliment you when you first got together and then stop....or did he never flatter you?
One guy told me once that he didn't want me to get a big head (too late
) and did want to seem like he was "jocking" me.He did not last long with that attitude!
kayte
Well-Known Member
Because he couldn't... didn't want to...or would not
I'm glad you are out of there
Arcadian said it..he was unavailable
married men..
recently divorced men
men who womanize
men who live at home dependent on their mothers
drug addicts
compulsive porn users
gamblers
alcolholics
are NOT the only ones unavailable...
Just because a man may take a woman out more than half a year
still has to meet other criterion to be FULLY present in the relationship
he kept checking out!
though he was there in physical space...I HATE that....
it's sending mixed messages..it's passive aggressive..
opening the door wide enough to close it again
it's crazy making behavior
& it boils down to the same thing
UNAVAILABLE MAN
and in your case WITHHOLDING UNAVAILABLE MAN
and by the way...withohlding is another form of anger
we learn with each goodbye ..we learn
with each goodbye we earn the right to a better hello
head up
((((hugs))))
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Serenity_Peace
Genius never dies!
I hate seeing couples who are obviously on a date - where the woman looks nice and the guy looks like he's headed to the GYM!
They just don't look like they match!
Did this guy used to compliment you when you first got together and then stop....or did he never flatter you?
One guy told me once that he didn't want me to get a big head (too late
He did not last long with that attitude!
Ironically, the only thing he complimented me on was my hair. Saying that it's long.
But that's it. He's fuggin' shallow!!!
Serenity_Peace
Genius never dies!
Because he couldn't... didn't want to...or would not
I'm glad you are out of there
Arcadian said it..he was unavailable
married men..
recently divorced men
men who womanize
men who live at home dependent on their mothers
drug addicts
compulsive porn users
gamblers
alcolholics
are NOT the only ones unavailable...
Just because a man may take a woman out more than half a year
still has to meet other criterion to be FULLY present in the relationship
he kept checking out!
though he was there in physical space...I HATE that....
it's sending mixed messages..it's passive aggressive..
opening the door wide enough to close it again
it's crazy making behavior
& it boils down to the same thing
UNAVAILABLE MAN
and in your case WITHHOLDING UNAVAILABLE MAN
and by the way...withohlding is another form of anger
we learn with each goodbye ..we learn
with each goodbye we earn the right to a better hello
head up
((((hugs))))
You're so wise!! So very wise!! I was feeling down tonight and met this couple in Denver. I'm on a business trip. They treated me to a lovely evening. They showed me that true love is still possible.
Bunny77
New Member
Ironically, the only thing he complimented me on was my hair. Saying that it's long.
But that's it. He's fuggin' shallow!!!
I'm very glad you dumped this dude... and the more I read of your posts, the more that I realized that this was more than "in the meantime." Although you said it was just for "the meantime," you had fallen for him. Otherwise, you wouldn't have posted so much about him.
Plus the more I read about him, his actions sound deliberate. This guy didn't sound like a quiet/nerdy/shy type that just had difficulty expressing himself (which is what I thought at first). The more you described him, the more he sounded like a manipulator.
He knew what he was doing. He's aware enough of himself to know EXACTLY what he was doing. The lack of compliments were for a reason and he was playing you, big time.
cocoberry10
Well-Known Member
OP, what type of women does he talk about finding attractive?
For example, let's say a White guy said that he only dated Charlize Theron types (I will include pics for reference sake at the end).
Now, let's say Salma Hayek walks into a bar. Although I think she's equally beautiful, if his "type" is Charlize Theron, then he would overlook Salma. Does this make sense?
Charlize
Salma
For example, let's say a White guy said that he only dated Charlize Theron types (I will include pics for reference sake at the end).
Now, let's say Salma Hayek walks into a bar. Although I think she's equally beautiful, if his "type" is Charlize Theron, then he would overlook Salma. Does this make sense?
Charlize
Salma
Serenity_Peace
Genius never dies!
I've only heard him say that Beyonce is "all that." I never hear him talking about Halle Berry or anything. I also observe him while we're out and never notice that he's looking at women. I try to be as sly as I can. He never talks about other women or compliments them. He only brought up Beyonce when I did.
I often thought that he could be gay. I'm not sure, though.
Ironically, he still calls, texts and emails me. I have not responded.
I often thought that he could be gay. I'm not sure, though.
Ironically, he still calls, texts and emails me. I have not responded.
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Serenity_Peace
Genius never dies!
I'm very glad you dumped this dude... and the more I read of your posts, the more that I realized that this was more than "in the meantime." Although you said it was just for "the meantime," you had fallen for him. Otherwise, you wouldn't have posted so much about him.
Plus the more I read about him, his actions sound deliberate. This guy didn't sound like a quiet/nerdy/shy type that just had difficulty expressing himself (which is what I thought at first). The more you described him, the more he sounded like a manipulator.
He knew what he was doing. He's aware enough of himself to know EXACTLY what he was doing. The lack of compliments were for a reason and he was playing you, big time.
I'm trying to understand a few things:
1. Am I being too sensitive?
2. Do I understand that he's a guy and guys don't typically share their feelings? They are generally non-expressive.
3. Is he gay?
4. Does he lack empathy?
5. Does he know how to love?
He says that he's never lived with his SO. And never talks about his previous relationships.
I also find it especially odd that he never talks about his friends and doesn't really hang out with people other than members of his family.
He's introverted. Closed off. A homebody. Seems not to have many interests outside of cars and working out.
princessnad
New Member
How did he respond to the break up SP?
Serenity_Peace
Genius never dies!
He was shocked. He said that he thought we had potential. Said that it seems that there are aspects of his personality that turn me off and that he doesn't know what to do to change that. Said that his feelings were deeper than mine.
...and he is *still* calling, saying that he wants to see me and cares for me.
I have *not* responded.
...and he is *still* calling, saying that he wants to see me and cares for me.
I have *not* responded.
