Fiancee Refuses To Help With Wedding

Adiatasha

Adiatasha

Well-Known Member
Please don't quote.

My fiancée has told me that he isn't putting a dime towards the wedding because he doesn't care about some big party. In addition, he's not interested in helping me plan any of it because my friends can help me. He will decide which aspects he's interested in.
He says we can go to the courthouse any day and get married but the wedding, I'm on my own.
He has provided for me, takes care of all of the household bills and I typically pay for our vacations, and entertainment.


He makes a six figure salary, has zero debt, is buying a 90k car, owns 3 homes, golfs 3 times a week.... like I'm supposed to have a wedding invite your friends and family and you contribute nothing? And he has the means.

I'm hurt.

Why doesn't he want to help with anything?
Am I being ridiculous?
 
SlimPickinz said:
This is weird but telling. It's selfish of him to not help you especially if he knows this is important to you. From his pov he only sees it as a party and not a celebration of the beginning of the union. That's where the trouble begins for me.
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It ended up being a big argument. He's like your friends can help you plan the wedding. :cry3:
But I'm not marrying my friends!!
I want a wedding to celebrate our union. We have been to so many of our friends and families and have enjoyed this important day with them.
 
I do think you should be concerned. Has he given you the reasoning behind it? I didn't have a wedding but I was okay with that decision because I appreciated the logic of using money to improve us rather than hosting a wedding but if both people don't think like that it could be a major comparability issue.
 
TracyNicole said:
I do think you should be concerned. Has he given you the reasoning behind it? I didn't have a wedding but I was okay with that decision because I appreciated the logic of using money to improve us rather than hosting a wedding but if both people don't think like that it could be a major comparability issue.
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His reason is that it's just a big party that he has no interest in and since I'm interested then I should pay for everything. I guess I'm paying for my own wedding band, his tux, the honeymoon.. it's ridiculous and I'm not doing it.

LiftedUp said:
Can a compromise be made? Or can he do this just for you? This is something you are clearly looking forward to and to make his future wife happy I think this is something he can relent on.
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Nope. I brought up the car. I said you can spend 90k on a car but you won't contribute 5k towards our wedding?
Then he got super angry and it ended up being a big fight.
I really didn't think this would be a big deal. We have the money, we are not poor.
He didn't even ask what type of wedding or anything. Just right out the gate "the wedding is all on you I'm not paying for any of it. If you want to go to the court house I'll marry you tomorrow"
 
I strongly suggest premarital counseling. I don't know if you are religious i think anyone can take the Premarital Inventory that is normally a part of catholic marriage preparation. It is very helpful for identifying areas of strength and those that need improvement.

My marriage is far from perfect but I feel it was very accurate and allowed us to walk into marriage with our eyes wide open. It may help you determine if you might be happier walking away.
 
I'm sorry. I completely agree with @TracyNicole about premarital counseling. DH and I were required to do it in order for my undergrad Christian faith org's director to marry us, but it was very helpful in terms of revealing issues we might not have considered during our relationship.

It should help you get to the bottom of your FH's beliefs around weddings, whether it has to do with his background, the way he was raised, money, or whatever might be stopping him.

One unsettling thought I had is that he's attempting to manipulate you emotionally so as not to have the wedding because he's hiding something, but I'm not sure of the length or scope of your relationship so I would take that with a grain of salt.

I hope you two can work it out!

Edit: spelling!
 
Adiatasha said:
Exactly!
I'm just super upset.
We never discussed marriage or weddings, he just showed up with a ring and wanted to marry me.
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This is just too demanding and controlling. I am not a part of camp "leave him" but you in danger girl! What else will he say no to? What if you want to go back to school later in life? What if you have kids and you want them to do music, dance or art programs and he only wants STEM? What if you want red lobster and he wants applebees? He will only pay for things he deems important? It's like he isn't respecting your wishes and your wants and needs. It's so selfish even for me.
 
Why is he being so damn stingy? A wedding is not make or break it. But, I would ask him more questions before you get married. It seems like he is going to only spend on what he wants or what he sees as important. Is he aware that what is his will become yours? Will he be stingy with the kids needs if you two have any. Why are you the only one spending money on vacations and entertainment? Does he refuse to spend money on that stuff too and other fun stuff? Ugh this is my pet peeve with men.
 
Bunnyhaslonghair said:
Why is he being so damn stingy? A wedding is not make or break it. But, I would ask him more questions before you get married. It seems like he is going to only spend on what he wants or what he sees as important. Is he aware that what is his will become yours? Will he be stingy with the kids needs if you two have any. Why are you the only one spending money on vacations and entertainment? Does he refuse to spend money on that stuff too and other fun stuff? Ugh this is my pet peeve with men.
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He takes care of all the household bills and I take care of the rest. It's an agreement we made.

Why he's being so stingy is beyond me!
Typically he's very giving.
He helps his friend out when the friend runs into money trouble. I recall him sending this friend $2,500 earlier this year.

It just makes me so angry that he is unwilling to participate in our wedding, whether financially or planning.

I took off the engagement ring. I'm tired of people asking me about the wedding plans cause I don't ******* have any since this man ain't doing ****.
Sigh
And today we are going by my parents for Thanksgiving dinner. I don't even want him going with me. I wish he would just stay in the hotel.
 
TracyNicole said:
I strongly suggest premarital counseling. I don't know if you are religious i think anyone can take the Premarital Inventory that is normally a part of catholic marriage preparation. It is very helpful for identifying areas of strength and those that need improvement.

My marriage is far from perfect but I feel it was very accurate and allowed us to walk into marriage with our eyes wide open. It may help you determine if you might be happier walking away.
Click to expand...

I think I will.
He's not religious so I need to find a place that can help us.
 
He sounds like a good man. I know men can think certain things are a waste of money. I can understand him wanting to be frugal about it and contributing a small amount like a few hundred or a couple k. Him saying he wouldn't contribute "a dime" and not willing to participate is alarming though. Have you met all of his family? Does he have a good relationship with them? Does he spend $ on you outside of the household bills?

Maybe one of his boys told him a horror story about the money they spent on a wedding and he's scared. Just throwing out theories.
 
Last edited:
Bunnyhaslonghair said:
He sounds like a good man. I know men can think certain things are a waste of money. I can understand him wanting to be frugal about it and contributing a small amount like a few hundred or a couple k. Him saying he wouldn't contribute "a dime" and not willing to participate is alarming though. Have you met all of his family? Does he have a good relationship with them? Does he spend $ on you outside of the household bills?

Maybe one of his boys told him a horror story about the money they spent on a wedding and he's scared. Just throwing out theories.
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He is a great man
Yes he spend money on me. He saw that I had a few items in the amazon cart so he bought them all and a host of other things.
I've met his family, he has a great relationship with them.
It's the whole "the wedding planning and paying is your problem " that threw me for a loop.
It is just crazy. Everyone knows him as a great guy who loves me. He does.
I think golf is a waste of money, he's not very good at it. I support it.
I think a 90k car is a waste of money, my Hyundai does the exact same thing. I support it.

I'm mad and I'm not sure how to get un mad.
 
Adiatasha said:
He is a great man
Yes he spend money on me. He saw that I had a few items in the amazon cart so he bought them all and a host of other things.
I've met his family, he has a great relationship with them.
It's the whole "the wedding planning and paying is your problem " that threw me for a loop.
It is just crazy. Everyone knows him as a great guy who loves me. He does.
I think golf is a waste of money, he's not very good at it. I support it.
I think a 90k car is a waste of money, my Hyundai does the exact same thing. I support it.

I'm mad and I'm not sure how to get un mad.
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Go traditional on the wedding then. Pay for it and ask him to pay for the bar. If he drinks I'm pretty sure he'll be game.

My family and i are going to be paying for my wedding so I have no place in this thread :lachen:

He pays for his tux and your ring.

Plan the entire thing and get to do what you wanna do. Just ensure his favourite drink is stocked at the bar.

This mountain can go back to being a molehill. You being upset may not even be worth it in the long run.
 
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