Fiance Still Friends With Former Fling..............

SoforReal

SoforReal

Well-Known Member
Hey All. Need your advice. My fiance and I have been together for 5+ years. He lives in a different state than I do and we visit each other often. He has female friends(and male friends) from work and school that he keeps in touch with. I have meet most of his female friends and I didn't get any mixed vibe from them. They all seem platonic and I'm ok with them. He has a female friend who live across the country from him who he has been friends with for 20+ years(since college). She supposedly has a fiance and her own house. He also knows her family.

Back when he was looking for a job last year he was considering staying with her for a few weeks to interview for jobs and save money. Back then I didn't feel comfortable with that. Recently he admitted they had sex back in college. Now her son is graduating from high school and she invited him to his graduation.
How would you all feel about your partner keeping in touch with someone he's friends with and had sex with over 20 years ago? Second would you all feel comfortable with your mate staying with a female friend for 1-2 weeks that he was once intimate with 20 years ago? I don't think my SO has ever cheated on me and seems very loyal.
 
SoforReal said:
Hey All. Need your advice. My fiance and I have been together for 5+ years. He lives in a different state than I do and we visit each other often. He has female friends(and male friends) from work and school that he keeps in touch with. I have meet most of his female friends and I didn't get any mixed vibe from them. They all seem platonic and I'm ok with them. He has a female friend who live across the country from him who he has been friends with for 20+ years(since college). She supposedly has a fiance and her own house. He also knows her family.

Back when he was looking for a job last year he was considering staying with her for a few weeks to interview for jobs and save money. Back then I didn't feel comfortable with that. Recently he admitted they had sex back in college. Now her son is graduating from high school and she invited him to his graduation.
How would you all feel about your partner keeping in touch with someone he's friends with and had sex with over 20 years ago? Second would you all feel comfortable with your mate staying with a female friend for 1-2 weeks that he was once intimate with 20 years ago? I don't think my SO has ever cheated on me and seems very loyal.
Click to expand...

I would not be cool with my dh keeping in touch with a woman he was intimate with in the past unless they had a child together. Otherwise, for me, that's a no. I would also not be cool with him staying with her or any female friend for 1-2 weeks. But that's me...

That being said, the question is how do you feel about it? If you're not comfortable, let him know. The fact that you started this thread shows you at least have some reservations about the situation.

If he is going to her son's graduation it would be nice if you attend as well. Did he invite you to come along?
 
Godsdaughter001 said:
I would not be cool with my dh keeping in touch with a woman he was intimate with in the past unless they had a child together. Otherwise, for me, that's a no. I would also not be cool with him staying with her or any female friend for 1-2 weeks. But that's me...

That being said, the question is how do you feel about it? If you're not comfortable, let him know. The fact that you started this thread shows you at least have some reservations about the situation.

If he is going to her son's graduation it would be nice if you attend as well. Did he invite you to come along?
Click to expand...

Thanks for your reply! I definitely don't feel comfortable with it. The only way I would feel comfortable is if we both stayed with her or if she was married and lived with her husband and he stayed over then.

I was going on vacation with my gf a few years back and he gave me her info to contact her for hang out spots. I never reached out to her becuz we didn't have a chance. But I feel he should have told me back then about their affair. He made it seem she was just an old friend from college. I would feel like a fool if I reached out to her and became close to her only to find out she slept with my man in the past. :evil: I've expressed this all to him but he made it seem like I was overreacting becuz it was 20 years ago and he's genuinely her friend. And he's not trying to get with her etc
 
silverbuttons said:
At the place I’m in, it honestly wouldn’t bother me. But if it does bother you.. have a conversation with him about it. Be honest about why it makes you uncomfortable.

Lean back and watch how he handles the rest.
Click to expand...

Ok. Thank you! I guess because I don't know her and I can't trust her motives but being in someone's home is a very intimate setting and that part make me very uncomfortable. He said it's too late to go to the graduation but he said if he was unemployed again and wanted to interview in that state he would consider staying with her. He said it's no different than staying in a hotel and inviting her over.
 
Last edited:
SoforReal said:
Ok. Thank you! I guess because I don't know her I can't trust her motives but being in someone's home is a very intimate setting and that part make me very uncomfortable. He said it's too late to go the graduation but he said if he was unemployed again and wanted to interview in that state he would consider staying with her. He said it's no different than staying in a hotel and inviting her over.
Click to expand...

I would be very uncomfortable with him staying at her house for 1-2wks (or any amount of time without me). And I would be uncomfortable with the bolded, too.
 
SoforReal said:
Ok. Thank you! I guess because I don't know her I can't trust her motives but being in someone's home is a very intimate setting and that part make me very uncomfortable. He said it's too late to go the graduation but he said if he was unemployed again and wanted to interview in that state he would consider staying with her. He said it's no different than staying in a hotel and inviting her over.
Click to expand...

Would you be okay with your FH hanging out one on one in his hotel room with a female friend he’s slept with in the past? Or any female friend? That’s a strange analogy to make, IMO. I’d be a bit concerned about him. He doesn’t seem to have a good sense of boundaries. And you may not know the extent of it because you two are in a long distance relationship. I also don’t understand why he’s upsetting you with hypothetical talk about him staying with her IF he’s ever unemployed again, and IF he wanted to interview in her state. What’s the point of that, other than to let you know that he’s going to do what he wants to do, and your opinion doesn’t matter? None of this would sit well with me.
 
SoforReal said:
He said it's no different than staying in a hotel and inviting her over.
Click to expand...

The fact that he would be under her roof changes the whole dynamic. That's where she's comfortable, and would she be cooking for him? (the fixing of plates is a serious topic around here). Since it's too late for the graduation, he needs to find an apartment or something for those 2 weeks.
 
Dee-Licious said:
If out of work, why wouldn’t he be trying to move to your state not hers if y’all are long distance?

How long has he been your fiancé? @SoforReal
Click to expand...
He’s been my fiancé for 2+ years. Cost of living is too expensive here. He’s gainfully employed ft now. He’s said if the situation was reversed he would be ok with me going to another state and staying with a long term male friend of mine if I couldn’t afford temp housing. Yeah right.
 
giphy.gif


Why are men always so willfully ignorant about women they used to or want to sleep with being their "friends". Hell, even women that want to sleep with them and haven't yet for whatever reason, especially when they know damn well if the roles were reversed, they wouldn't be having it. Sexual attraction doesn't strike me as a good foundation for a platonic relationship. I don't trust it. Never have and never will.

In this engagement season of your life, please pay close attention to things that don't smell right as they can be a sign of things to come. What raises a red flag for me is how your feelings kind of don't matter. It's kind of your problem to fix/get comfortable with. He also sounds way too comfortable. Like oh, I'll just stay at her place for a few weeks? It's like staying in a hotel and inviting her over?

200.gif


Seriously bruh? He may or may not have bad intentions, but his boundaries are terrible and will only lead to chaos down the road. He seems too "familiar" and the inconsideration of your feelings or making you feel crazy gives me pause. Watch this carefully.
 
Last edited:
SoforReal said:
Thank you all. I completely agree with you. He had me thinking I was crazy or something. But I feel most females would think the same. Plus it doesn’t help that I saw her social media page and she’s drop dead gorgeous. Plus she had no pics of her with her alleged fiancé. ‍♀️
Click to expand...

Nope, nope, and Nope!
Would definitely be a no for me.
OP, it seems you have a lot of reservations about this, and for good reason.
 
Brwnbeauti said:
You just have to set firm boundaries. He might be testing you with this situation.
Click to expand...

I agree except I don’t want her to think that there is anything she can do to get him to have better boundaries.

OP from what you have written here your antenna is going off, your spidey senses are tingling, your gut, your feminine intuition is shouting to you. Trust yourself.

I personally think that all women should consider living in the same city as the man they love before agreeing to marry them. Not necessarily living together either. But actually date like normal people and get to know each other better before binding your lives together legally. JMHO. I know there are those who will disagree and things worked out for them. But generally long distance dating creates a false sense of heightened chemistry because you don’t get the chance to bore of each other and live normally. If I were you I would tread lightly. Be careful hon. If he’s acting like this now before you marry idk I would be worried too if I were you.

You deserve to feel safe and honored within your romantic relationship. It is his job to honor and respect you as his future wife. Honestly from what you’ve written here he sounds like a thrill seeker.
 
Fiance of 2+ yrs? Not to be mean but you guys should have tied the knot by now. Even if you were saving for a wedding, it should have happened by now. The fact that he's not seeing anything wrong staying under the same roof with someone he's been intimate with before, speaks major volumes. If she respects your relationship, why aren't you invited to her event? If she's his friend of 20 years, you and her should have been at least cordial with each other. Most couples know each others close college pals and close childhood friends. They may not be BFFs but they are at least on friendly terms if their partners have nothing to hide. Watch him. Something is not right.

Seeing that you are long distance, are you sure that this is the first time he's staying with her? He seems too comfy.
 
She's foul and he is foul by proxy. She is his friend of 20+ years. If she was a real friend, she would have made an effort to know his fiancée to show she is respectful of your relationship.

The fact that she invited an engaged man to her event and not his fiancée speaks volumes. She's testing the waters to see how serious he is about his relationship. Some women find a taken man a challenge and seducing him is just a game.

Not saying that's her motivation, just saying the the whole situation is suspect-from him not telling you about their fling from the get, from him even thinking about going to an event without you, and for them thinking you are silly enough to let him shack up with a woman he once shagged.

Trust your intuition, something in this milk ain't clean.
 
Last edited:
Kurlee said:
giphy.gif


Why are men always so willfully ignorant about women they used to or want to sleep with being their "friends". Hell, even women that want to sleep with them and haven't yet for whatever reason, especially when they know damn well if the roles were reversed, they wouldn't be having it. Sexual attraction doesn't strike me as a good foundation for a platonic relationship. I don't trust it. Never have and never will.

In this engagement season of your life, please pay close attention to things that don't smell right as they can be a sign of things to come. What raises a red flag for me is how your feelings kind of don't matter. It's kind of your problem to fix/get comfortable with. He also sounds way too comfortable. Like oh, I'll just stay at her place for a few weeks? It's like staying in a hotel and inviting her over?

200.gif


Seriously bruh? He may or may not have bad intentions, but his boundaries are terrible and will only lead to chaos down the road. He seems too "familiar" and the inconsideration of your feelings or making you feel crazy gives me pause. Watch this carefully.
Click to expand...
Amen completely agree! I think he's gotten a little to comfortable. Drawing a boundary line right here. He said he doesn't look at her in a sexual way just a friend. And he said what's the difference in staying at hotel or at her house. If a guy wanted to cheat he could invite her to the hotel and cheat too. But he said that's not his motive. :hand: If the reverse happened I wouldn't hear the end of it.
 
okange76 said:
Fiance of 2+ yrs? Not to be mean but you guys should have tied the knot by now. Even if you were saving for a wedding, it should have happened by now. The fact that he's not seeing anything wrong staying under the same roof with someone he's been intimate with before, speaks major volumes. If she respects your relationship, why aren't you invited to her event? If she's his friend of 20 years, you and her should have been at least cordial with each other. Most couples know each others close college pals and close childhood friends. They may not be BFFs but they are at least on friendly terms if their partners have nothing to hide. Watch him. Something is not right.

Seeing that you are long distance, are you sure that this is the first time he's staying with her? He seems too comfy.
Click to expand...

We planned the wedding a year after the engagement but I was unemployed a few months later then he was laid off which is why it got delayed. He's has never stayed with her since we've been together. We talk everyday and when he goes out to events I know because he always post the pics plus I know his work schedule and can easily get receipts. To be fair he treats me really well and this is by far the best relationship I have ever been in. This is one of the only things we disagree on.
 
Last edited:
SoforReal said:
We planned the wedding a year after the engagement but I was unemployed a few months later then he was laid off which is why it got delayed. He's has never stayed with her since we've been together. We talk everyday and when he goes out to events I know because he always post the pics plus I know his work schedule and can easily get receipts. To be fair he treats me really well and this is by far the best relationship I have ever been in. This is one of the only things we disagree on,
Click to expand...

I'm trying to figure out why you feel the need to mention this is the best relationship you have been in. Do you believe you have to put up with disrespect since you believe this? Just because it's the best you've had, doesn't mean you can't do even better.
I am not saying break up with him at all. That's up to you. That statement just stood out to me.
And just because he treats you well, doesn't mean you two will not have differing principles when it comes to certain issues. I have broken up with men who treated me well before.

It does bother me that he is trying to get you to be fine with him staying with her. He says what's the difference between staying in a hotel or her house? The difference is you will feel better about knowing he not only cares about your feelings but can act to ease your doubts.
It may be one of the only things you disagree on, but it is significant.

To answer your question, no I wouldn't feel comfortable with this arrangement and I wouldn't put up with it at all.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

S
Friends
Replies
22
Views
1K
**SaSSy**
**SaSSy**
B
What the heck is going on with this man???
Replies
13
Views
332
Bunny77
Bunny77
Kkinds
Do I have a right to feel uncomfortable?
2 3
Replies
69
Views
3K
onelockatatime
O
Lishaboo
Married and Vacationing with Single Friends
2
Replies
32
Views
933
ChasingBliss
ChasingBliss
scorpian
Is your SO still friends with his ex's
Replies
18
Views
329
Ms Red
M
Back
Top