Engaged to a white guy but loves black men

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Etherealsmile

Etherealsmile

Well-Known Member
I hope it's ok to post this here:look: copied from a blog I was reading. Why did she let things get this far? What a mess:perplexed


I should start off by saying you dont know me, but I hope you write me back. I have read your articles on interracial dating and marriage and read your own story. In fact, when I feel confused and unsure about my own interracial relationship, I reread your story to reassure myself of my own decisions. I am a 27 year old black woman set to marry a white man this June—-I am petrified. I love him, that much I know but I am terrified of the unknown. My doubts stem from my own dating history.

I have always only dated black men. I love black men. So I was just as surprised as anyone when I finally gave this white man who had become my best friend, a chance to be my boyfriend. Perhaps it it his difference from the black men I have dated that gives me cause for pause. He is not as confident, not as aggressive, not as charming as the black men I typically have dated. Instead he is quiet and laid back.

He has no issue with me taking the lead. Sometimes I enjoy the difference, other times I find it disconcerting. Am I making any sense? I guess part of me is worried about getting married and then wondering if I will always “miss” being with a black man. I wonder if I am making a mistake. He has all of the qualities(most, anyway) that I have ever wanted in a man, but he just doesnt have that “presence”, that alpha male presence that all of the black men I dated had. If I had my choice, I would marry a black man. That is the truth.

But the man I am with now treats me better than any of the men before him did. The fact is I am not sure I could find another man like him that loves me the way he does. I also realize I had to start making different and better dating decisions if I did not want to end up in the same unhealthy relationships I was in before and that is why I gave the man I am with now, a chance. So I guess I write to you for your own perspective, insight and advice. Did you have any of these feelings when you married? If so, how did you cope with them and do you have any advice for me? Thank you so much for your time.



Thoughts?
 
GIFSoup
Well she already chose when she gave the guy a chance. She needs to suck it up and count her blessings that she has a great guy who wants to mary her. It wasn't like she was blind when she first got with him!
 
What does she mean " if she had her choice, she would marry a black man"? She does have a choice, and she is choosing to marry white.

This " I really love black men/women, but I am marrying white for xyz reason" gets on my nerves. Just marry the one meant for you, period, end of story.

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But the man I am with now treats me better than any of the men before him did.
Click to expand...

Can someone even tell me why her very ungrateful behind is even broaching this subject when the answer is obviously steering her right in the face, I hope that this is just a case of pre-wedding jitters.
 
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2posemr.jpg
 
Why is she acting like she has no choice in the matter?:ohwell:

This is strange:lol:

Marry the kind of man you prefer.

I kind of understand her feeling conflicted. Sometimes you want to talk yourself into just loving the one you're with because he treats you like a queen even though you don't even come close to reciprocating the feelings, but I think that's just setting yourself up to a lifetime of being unfulfilled. If you're gonna commit yourself to someone so deeply then it should be someone you can envision loving forever and feel happiest with.

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Etherealsmile26 said:
I hope it's ok to post this here:look: copied from a blog I was reading. Why did she let things get this far? What a mess:perplexed


My doubts stem from my own dating history.

I have always only dated black men. I love black men.

He has all of the qualities(most, anyway) that I have ever wanted in a man, but he just doesnt have that “presence”, that alpha male presence that all of the black men I dated had. If I had my choice, I would marry a black man. That is the truth.

But the man I am with now treats me better than any of the men before him did. The fact is I am not sure I could find another man like him that loves me the way he does. I also realize I had to start making different and better dating decisions if I did not want to end up in the same unhealthy relationships I was in before and that is why I gave the man I am with now, a chance. So I guess I write to you for your own perspective, insight and advice. Did you have any of these feelings when you married? If so, how did you cope with them and do you have any advice for me? Thank you so much for your time.



Thoughts?
Click to expand...


From my own personal experience, I will only say that Im not suprised by her line of thinking. Some people marry for money, some for happiness, some for security...
 
She has a "hood" mentality.:look: She wants a thug, with whatever sex appeal that she's use to. She doesn't really care about how they treated her. Sad.:nono:

There's a whole lot of women like this out there.

hanna_light said:
Can someone even tell me why her very ungrateful behind is even broaching this subject when the answer is obviously steering her right in the face, I hope that this is just a case of pre-wedding jitters.
Click to expand...
 
Man, she say she want a hood nicca...who keep the purp by da pound, the trunk stay bumpin, yall know he run the town. Hood nicca...and he keep a bad b**** around (thick chick). Long hair, yellow, white, red, brown.

Hood nicca.

:look:
 
So would she rather marry a black man who is missing most of the qualities she wants in a mate? Basically, leaving her 80 for a 20? Or does she still hold out hope that she CAN find a black man with all the right qualities for her? If so, she should let hat white man go before she ruins his life.
 
qchelle said:
Man, she say she want a hood nicca...who keep the purp by da pound, the trunk stay bumpin, yall know he run the town. Hood nicca...and he keep a bad b**** around (thick chick). Long hair, yellow, white, red, brown.

Hood nicca.

:look:
Click to expand...


:rofl: Why you so silly!? :lol:

As far as the letter, I can understand where she's coming from. She is settling out of desperation, sounds like, but her doubts don't mean she doesn't love the dude. It's just her preference and she's probably scared she will regret it and hurt him. *shrug*
 
She sounds ridiculous and ungrateful.

Like the other poster said, she sounds like she wants a thug but instead ended up with a man of a better quality.
 
I don't get where people are seeing that she wants a thug, but for some reason the paragraphs were hard for me to read so maybe I missed something.

She said she's used to agressive men and that this man treats her better than anyone has ever treated her. Agressive doesn't equal thug. I know "upper echelon" :giggle: career Black men who are aggressive socially--meaning that they won't take no for an answer and they're very assertive. They may not treat women as well because they view themselves as the prize. A lot of Black men in general are viewed as being the prize so maybe she's run up on the ones where that affects how they treat women but she still knows that there are Black men that don't treat their women that way. If this man has had a crush on her for awhile, and if he loves her then he treats her well, thus the "better than any other man has treated me". Also, I find some white men who are attracted to Black women but don't know how to go about it can just be very cautious and seem appreciative of the "opportunity" in general.

I'm just saying, she doesn't sound ungrateful to me. I'm sure she knows what it sounds like and probably feels bad so that's why she's asking for advice on the internet and not from somebody in real life. Marriage is a big decision so she should answer these questions beforehand. Although, again...the fact that she still has these questions and marriage is about to happen might mean that she is settling. But I don't know, I'm sure doubts are natural. Like in that Anthony Hamilton thread about staying married, some of things you honestly feel you CANNOT say because it will hurt a loved one's feelings.

ETA: and I know this post is long so let me just say: nooo, I did not write that letter. lol.
 
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I think she needs to evaluate her feelings before
committing her life to this man.
I feel sorry for this guy. :sad:

I also agree with Goldenprincess
aggressive doesn't equate to thug.
 
If she is questioning it I think she needs to give herself more time before marrying this man she is with because obviously she doesn't understand that once you are in love with someone it shouldnt matter about their color....(thats how I feel about it)

I just feel like if you are with that person you love them for who and what they are....

Yes having doubts are natural but these doubts she is expressing is something major because she is still having feelings that she should and wants to be with a black man. Its not the simple fact of her just being with a man that treats her good.
 
Yall gonna stone me :lachen: So

But she may have wanted to marry a blackman but he aint gonna ask. And the type of dude she wants aint lookin for her type. So not to be an old maid, she took what she could get. Now to the stoning part... I've seen it here.:lachen:
 
SUPER SWEET said:
Yall gonna stone me :lachen: So

But she may have wanted to marry a blackman but he aint gonna ask. And the type of dude she wants aint lookin for her type. So not to be an old maid, she took what she could get. Now to the stoning part... I've seen it here.:lachen:
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I agree with this. I feel sorry for the guy but it doesn't seem like she is purposely trying to take advantage of him (not that that makes it better) but just that she is trying to do the right thing even though it doesn't feel right.
 
have a friend going through this. She loves BM, but the only marriage minded dude who treats her like a queen is White :look:. She doesn't even come close to reciprocating and has been looking for years for a black dude and can't find one who will treat her good or is marriage minded and white dude STILL wants to marry her. Tough situation as she is approaching 30 and wants to have kids and settle down.
 
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I dont get her problem...:perplexed
Does she want a more assertive man or does she simply want a black man?:look:
She is talking like all black man are the same, when we know that they arent; she needs to stop looking at colour, and honestly think what qualities she wants in a man (of any colour).:nono::nono:
Seems like she wants her fiancee to be more assertive, but is confusing him being laid back as a race trait, it isnt.
Maybe talking to him about her expectations of man, may help clear up the confusion before she throws away the good with the bad...
Why do people confuse character traits with race/cultural traits?:spinning:
Its like the angry/fat/sassy/mammy black woman thing...:yep:
 
No offense, but she doesn't sound like she's ready to be married. :ohwell: When you are with the right person and you're "ready" to be a wife, color shouldn't have anything to do with it.

I think (or HOPE) that this is just pre-wedding jitters. Everyone gets that way before the "big day". If however, she strung this guy along while dating and knew that she was not all that into him and wanted a black man all along, then she is SO very wrong for this. :nono: Idk which situation it is.

Overall, I WILL say this though... Better to want the one you can't have, then to have the one you don't want. :ohwell:
 
bluediamond0829 said:
If she is questioning it I think she needs to give herself more time before marrying this man she is with because obviously she doesn't understand that once you are in love with someone it shouldnt matter about their color....(thats how I feel about it)

I just feel like if you are with that person you love them for who and what they are....

Yes having doubts are natural but these doubts she is expressing is something major because she is still having feelings that she should and wants to be with a black man. Its not the simple fact of her just being with a man that treats her good.
Click to expand...

And AGREE ... especially with the bolded.
 
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