Do you tell him your magic coloring number?

[aribell]

....deleted....

 

[softblackcotton]

I don't ever bring up the subject with guys I'm talking to. I try to avoid it until I feel close enough to that person. They judge you just as much for having 0 and as they do for having a high number.erplexed You can't win either way MAAAAAAAAN!

 

[locabouthair]

So if you were dating a guy would you rather tell him your credit score or your coloring number? Glib's post made me think of that lol..

I dont see anything wrong with telling the number. But to each their own.

 

[Charlie555]

What do you do when they do ask and you don't feel comfy sayin?
I mean besides lieing/ not telling. How can I be smooth about it? lol (U ladies have a way with words)

You smile at him (or chuckle softly if you're on the phone) and say, "oh no sweetie... a lady never kisses and tells." Then you bat you eyes a little and kiss him on the cheek & change the subject. This tells him to back off, he is prying into info that isn't his business & that you have boundries. There's no need to get an attitude about it or go off on him especially if you like him. Some guys just want to see how much you will expose.

this is what I did when I was younger & guys asked. Now that I'm older they don't really ask. I learned the hard way after telling 2 guys & both brought it up NON STOP! Even though there number was higher then mine. It's shows a lack of insecurity & that's not sexy. So I said nope I'm not telling another soul.

 

[Black Ambrosia]

I'm with Glib Gurl on this one. In a serious relationship, this shouldn't be off limits. If it was more casual then I can see that its probably not worth the trouble to justify the response.

I find that honestly is the best way to weed through men that will waste your time. You can lie and give them a low number but what does that accomplish? He thinks he's sleeping with a virgin and you are glad he's dropped the subject? Just put it out there. If he is mature, then he probably won't ask. If he does ask, the mature man won't bring it up again or try to use it against you.

 

[poookie]

yes, & i know his. if you're serious about someone, that shouldn't be a secret.

now does he know their names, or any details about them? nope. but if he were to ask, i'd tell. we both have nothing to hide.

 

[LadyPaniolo]

Yea it's easy to never have that discussion when you're just dating but for those who are married, there's never a time when curiosity runs rampant? I'm curious.. I guess I can't see being married for ages and the topic of sex partners never comes up..

Married lady here... NO, he doesn't know my "number" and frankly he has no need to know. Everything he needs to know is what takes place in OUR relationship.

Now, I happen to know HIS, but that's because he volunteered it. It's a really low number and mine would run circles around his, but he doesn't need to feel like he's competing against X number of men between the sheets.

We were great platonic friends for a year before we even dated, so I had told him things about previous partners that I wish I hadn't mentioned, later on. But too bad, so sad. Nothing to be done about it now, and he is not the kind of person to be hung up on that issue anyway.

ETA: if he's a mature man with a healthy view of sex and women's sexuality, he WON'T ask to begin with. So just the fact that he is asking gives him a "ding".

 

[laCriolla]

never tell how many crayons have been in the box.
1. they wont believe you any way
2. their imaginations run wild and cause problems.

 

[Vinyl]

Yes, but maybe that'll change when I start dating more experienced men/get more experience myself... I've only been with one and all of the men I've dated were 0-1...

 

[Raspberry]

Married lady here... NO, he doesn't know my "number" and frankly he has no need to know. Everything he needs to know is what takes place in OUR relationship.

Now, I happen to know HIS, but that's because he volunteered it. It's a really low number and mine would run circles around his, but he doesn't need to feel like he's competing against X number of men between the sheets.

We were great platonic friends for a year before we even dated, so I had told him things about previous partners that I wish I hadn't mentioned, later on. But too bad, so sad. Nothing to be done about it now, and he is not the kind of person to be hung up on that issue anyway.



ETA: if he's a mature man with a healthy view of sex and women's sexuality, he WON'T ask to begin with. So just the fact that he is asking gives him a "ding".

Thanks for your response. To me it's not about dates and places, but getting a general idea of how a person gets down is very important IMO. The past determines a large part of your mindset and decision making processes. Past relationship and sexual experiences make all the difference in how you approach relationships in the present. I can't see just dismissing everything under a "that's in the past banner" when you have many people dealing with sex/relationship baggage for decades. It doesn't go away...

I'm not a virgin and have had to deconstruct my past experiences with men in order to figure out why I made certain decisions and maintained certain attitudes and emotions towards men so I could have better relationships in the present. I need to know the sexual context that my man is coming from , and knowing that he used to have a lot of causal sex relationships or was a serial sexual monogamist changes that context.

Maybe you all are right about exact numbers being a no-no, but I do think your partner needs to know your story..

 

[Bunny77]

Thanks for your response. To me it's not about dates and places, but getting a general idea of how a person gets down is very important IMO. The past determines a large part of your mindset and decision making processes. Past relationship and sexual experiences make all the difference in how you approach relationships in the present. I can't see just dismissing everything under a "that's in the past banner" when you have many people dealing with sex/relationship baggage for decades. It doesn't go away...

I'm not a virgin and have had to deconstruct my past experiences with men in order to figure out why I made certain decisions and maintained certain attitudes and emotions towards men so I could have better relationships in the present. I need to know the sexual context that my man is coming from , and knowing that he used to have a lot of causal sex relationships or was a serial sexual monogamist changes that context.

Maybe you all are right about exact numbers being a no-no, but I do think your partner needs to know your story..

I know where you're coming from.

This is how I've always looked at it.

Okay, so like you, I don't want a dude who had a lot of casual sexual relationships just because I didn't get down like that. So I want someone with a similar mindset.

While I might not know the man's number, I can maybe tell his mindset about sex by how quickly he tries to get in my pants... or, in general, men tell on themselves. One guy I talked to a while ago never gave his number, but he would always talk about how he hooked up with this chick here and that chick there and then he seemed WAY too "understanding" about why a man would cheat and even let some of his boys use his place...

So... that being said, I could probably take an educated guess that this dude's number was HIGH. And I could, without asking the number or saying a word, make my decision that we obviously were on different pages sexually.

Meanwhile, if I met a man who says on his own accord, "I think it's good for people to really get to know each other before they start having sex," and then he backs it up with action (like not trying to get my clothes off at the end of every date), then he's probably not Wilt Chamberlain II. Yeah, he could have been wild in the past and now has "changed," but I find that men's mindsets don't change much in this area.

 

[kismettt]

yes. because i think a man should know if you are virgin (for when the time comes, he is more careful). he said something that implied he wasn't a virgin so i asked him his number. & then later i said something that made it obvious i was & he was like "i guess you are?" haha. if he's bothered by my number then he's probably not the man for me (i have my own opinion about the type of man who IS bothered by a woman's number)

 

[azuquita_morena]

Newbie chiming in . . . ITA, Bunny77. I think this really works better than the asking directly, because i noticed when some men know that a woman's number is relatively low, that they just flatout lie to make themselves look better (to their women, if that makes sense). It's better to just judge based on his/her current actions to guess their "number".

I think women should be just as much concerned with a man's "number" than they pretend to be with ours. With the way many men are raised, that "boys will be boys" excuse just allows them to just bed any and everybody. That's so not cool with me.

I know where you're coming from.

This is how I've always looked at it.

Okay, so like you, I don't want a dude who had a lot of casual sexual relationships just because I didn't get down like that. So I want someone with a similar mindset.

While I might not know the man's number, I can maybe tell his mindset about sex by how quickly he tries to get in my pants... or, in general, men tell on themselves. One guy I talked to a while ago never gave his number, but he would always talk about how he hooked up with this chick here and that chick there and then he seemed WAY too "understanding" about why a man would cheat and even let some of his boys use his place...

So... that being said, I could probably take an educated guess that this dude's number was HIGH. And I could, without asking the number or saying a word, make my decision that we obviously were on different pages sexually.

Meanwhile, if I met a man who says on his own accord, "I think it's good for people to really get to know each other before they start having sex," and then he backs it up with action (like not trying to get my clothes off at the end of every date), then he's probably not Wilt Chamberlain II. Yeah, he could have been wild in the past and now has "changed," but I find that men's mindsets don't change much in this area.

 

[LunadeMiel]

He knows my number. We've discussed my past and his past openely.

 

[Bunny77]

Newbie chiming in . . . ITA, Bunny77. I think this really works better than the asking directly, because i noticed when men know that a woman's number is relatively low, that they just flatout lie to make themselves look better. It's better to just judge based on his/her current actions to guess their "number".

I think women should be just as much concerned with a man's "number" than they pretend to be with ours. With the way many men, that "boys will be boys" excuse just allows them to just bed any and everybody. That's so not cool with me.

Agreed!

Going back to that first guy I mentioned... he asked me my number directly. I was younger then (like, 21) and I told him. The number was uh, very low. More than zero, but less than 2.

So he was like, "Wow, that's rare." Now, maybe in some circles, yeah, but not in mine. The crew I hung out with were mainly virgins, girls who had maybe a boyfriend or two, but in general, all women who could count on one hand how many partners they had, especially at 21.

So, his "shock" at my response made me raise an eyebrow... why was I at 21 so "rare" to him? He hadn't dealt with any 21-year-old women who were virgins or had only one partner before? Who the heck was he dealing with?

Then, I turned around and asked him... he said, "Oh, I don't really count."

RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG!!!!!

So, I learned my lesson with all that... No. 1, they'll ask you, and if you answer, a judgment is made. No. 2, if you turn around and ask them, these types WON'T give you an answer.

But even if we hadn't had that conversation, there were a lot of other things he said along the way that let me know he was a playa playa playa!!!

 

[JustKiya]

Yea it's easy to never have that discussion when you're just dating but for those who are married, there's never a time when curiosity runs rampant? I'm curious.. I guess I can't see being married for ages and the topic of sex partners never comes up..

Oh, the topic of sex partners has definitely come up, and we have definitely talked about different experiences with different people - the issues we faced, the things we learned.

That ain't got jack to do with either of our numbers, though. I could talk allllll day about various partners, and still only sound like I've had sex with five people.

I honestly have no clue what DH's number is. No clue. I'd guessssss that it's close to mine, but I don't know. And really, I don't care. *shrug*

So if you were dating a guy would you rather tell him your credit score or your coloring number? Glib's post made me think of that lol..

I dont see anything wrong with telling the number. But to each their own.

My credit score has much more impact on my future than the number of tongues I've touched does.

 

[DarkVictory]

Maybe you all are right about exact numbers being a no-no, but I do think your partner needs to know your story..

ITA knowing each other's story is important, especially if it's at either end of the spectrum or might somehow effect the here-and-now.

"I've never done it before and I'm not going to before marriage."
"Before I found religion/got clean/reformed I ... and there may be a video floating around."

There's a point in the process of dating/getting serious that you reveal certain things. Before we got married we had a "now's the time to tell me" talk. To me it's not the exact who and what so much as what's the pattern of behavior? Did it change? Why?

I have specific reasons for never telling this number. It's a very small world sometimes. I really don't want him thinking about this every time we run into someone who knew me before he did.

 

[locabouthair]

Agreed!

Going back to that first guy I mentioned... he asked me my number directly. I was younger then (like, 21) and I told him. The number was uh, very low. More than zero, but less than 2.

So he was like, "Wow, that's rare." Now, maybe in some circles, yeah, but not in mine. The crew I hung out with were mainly virgins, girls who had maybe a boyfriend or two, but in general, all women who could count on one hand how many partners they had, especially at 21.

So, his "shock" at my response made me raise an eyebrow... why was I at 21 so "rare" to him? He hadn't dealt with any 21-year-old women who were virgins or had only one partner before? Who the heck was he dealing with?

Then, I turned around and asked him... he said, "Oh, I don't really count."

RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG!!!!!

So, I learned my lesson with all that... No. 1, they'll ask you, and if you answer, a judgment is made. No. 2, if you turn around and ask them, these types WON'T give you an answer.

But even if we hadn't had that conversation, there were a lot of other things he said along the way that let me know he was a playa playa playa!!!

I can see why he thought that was rare. I knew women at age 21 who had 20 or 30 partners.

I kind of see what you're saying but I do believe a mature man wouldn't make it an issue.

 

[HoneyLove]

yes, & i know his. if you're serious about someone, that shouldn't be a secret.

now does he know their names, or any details about them? nope. but if he were to ask, i'd tell. we both have nothing to hide.

My stance exactly. I tell because I like my number and always ask because I want to know. You may lie and I may never know, but :kanyeshrug stuff like that I want to know and if I'm asking we're at a point where I'd expect you to be mature and not lie. I've even asked how many partners sans protection. I feel like I have a right to know. As does he. When it comes to him I'm an open book and vice-versa. For us, it just makes things easier.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

That ain't got jack to do with either of our numbers, though. I could talk allllll day about various partners, and still only sound like I've had sex with five people.



My credit score has much more impact on my future than the number of tongues I've touched does.

Truth and more truth...

All of this is so eye opening. I see it so clearly now. I used to be an avid teller. I believed your man should know EVERYTHING early. I never saw a need to hold back.

Partners tell less about you than the story of your life and at the end of the day, thats really what I am trying to figure out.

To you ladies that do tell about your crayons, you will believe it overcommunication?

 

[Bunny77]

I can see why he thought that was rare. I knew women at age 21 who had 20 or 30 partners.

Oh yes, I know those women too!

That being said, with this man being educated and having been around a lot of different people, it was telling to me that the majority of the women he was around had a whole lot of partners... perhaps because he was the type of have that many partners as well by 21 and didn't bother to deal with women who were more selective.

Again, his reaction to me told me everything about HIS sexual behavior.

Meanwhile, my boyfriend a year earlier did not respond in the same way... he didn't think it was all that rare or shocking for a 19-20 year-old woman to be a virgin or have less than five partners. That also told me about his mindset in regards to sexual behavior.

 

[locabouthair]

Oh yes, I know those women too!

That being said, with this man being educated and having been around a lot of different people, it was telling to me that the majority of the women he was around had a whole lot of partners... perhaps because he was the type of have that many partners as well by 21 and didn't bother to deal with women who were more selective.

Again, his reaction to me told me everything about HIS sexual behavior.

Meanwhile, my boyfriend a year earlier did not respond in the same way... he didn't think it was all that rare or shocking for a 19-20 year-old woman to be a virgin or have less than five partners. That also told me about his mindset in regards to sexual behavior.

I see what you mean.

 

[Raspberry]

I know where you're coming from.

This is how I've always looked at it.

Okay, so like you, I don't want a dude who had a lot of casual sexual relationships just because I didn't get down like that. So I want someone with a similar mindset.

While I might not know the man's number, I can maybe tell his mindset about sex by how quickly he tries to get in my pants... or, in general, men tell on themselves. One guy I talked to a while ago never gave his number, but he would always talk about how he hooked up with this chick here and that chick there and then he seemed WAY too "understanding" about why a man would cheat and even let some of his boys use his place...

So... that being said, I could probably take an educated guess that this dude's number was HIGH. And I could, without asking the number or saying a word, make my decision that we obviously were on different pages sexually.

Meanwhile, if I met a man who says on his own accord, "I think it's good for people to really get to know each other before they start having sex," and then he backs it up with action (like not trying to get my clothes off at the end of every date), then he's probably not Wilt Chamberlain II. Yeah, he could have been wild in the past and now has "changed," but I find that men's mindsets don't change much in this area.

Thanks Bunny, you bring up a good overall point - that just listening to the way a man talks about his past and values over time will yield better results than questioning him outright. People usually tell on themselves eventually.

 

[babyb900]

Even if your number is "low", there are several issues that can pop up. By telling him the number, you are basically buying into the concept that he has the right to have the rundown on your past sexual history.

Now, some men will ask to determine if you are likely to have diseases.

Some men will ask to determine if you are a "good girl" or not (watch out for those guys, they have a Madonna/Wh*re complex) and if you deserve good treatment or not due to this factor.

Some men are secretly wanting to know because they can use it against you to pressure you into doing things you may not be comfortable with ("You've done it with X guys but you won't let me ____ your ____???" )

Then you have dudes who will end up asking you everything but what color toenail polish you had on while you were doing it! It's a control issue.

I would think he had a right to know if we were going to have sex together. With me, some of the men asked about it during our talk about sexual health, and some just asked out of curiosity.

What I dont they need to know is all the details of who, why's and when's. If he tries to get into that *red flag: control issues*

What also bothers me, is that some asked "Was he bigger/better than me?"

erplexed Needless to say, those didnt work out well.

Nah, sis, they think you are lyin.

I swear I love you. But who knows, they possibly did.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

What also bothers me, is that some asked "Was he bigger/better than me?".

OHHHH I hate this question. Its reaks of insecurity because the bottom line is I am probably going to lie to spare your ego or tell you the truth and hurt your feelings.

I know who the biggest was and I am still not with him so obvious size doesnt determine me staying with you. I also know the best colorer and he aint around either so yeah...

Like do I ask who has the tightest, the softest, the...you get the idea. No, I dont because I am going to do my thing regardless of your past chicks.

Focus on what you can do with what you got and we'll be aight.

Mini-vent

 

[Lylddlebit]

~~~~~~Deleted~~~~~~~~~~

 

[BeautifulFlower]

Yes...If something makes you ashamed you probably shouldn't have done it.

I ask his details as well. Some people may disagree with me but a person's life history(which includes physical and emotional relationships) can speak volumes about their integrity and character.

I want someone who has the same values as me...and that type of information (the type that ppl are able to lie about, is done in secret) can tell you a lot about those values.

The number ain't "magic" lol we all know how it comes to be what it is.

I think...after thinking about it....it has less to do with lying or hiding than it has to do with a man's ability to handle it. A man can have 50 partners but if you have 50 partners, its a problem. And so you judge me by thinking a) I am not worthy of you or b) I will give it up easy to you. This may be the case but it may not be. Say I met Jesus and my life has been change. Say I have been celibate for 5-10 years.

Once he knows your number, he honestly doesnt pay attention to the details after somtimes.

Now, if he wants to know if I am a virgin, if I have a disease, if I am a cheater/disloyal, or if I value sex, etc...my number will not determine that. You can ask me the other questions directly without my number being an issue. Hell, we can go to the clinic now....

 

[Lylddlebit]

~~~~~~Deleted~~~~~~~~~~

 

[Belle Du Jour]

I'm with Glib and Black Ambrosia on this one. I'd want to know.

 

[indarican]

i definetly lie, he thinks hes number 3.... HA! I mean hes not that far off but he sure aint number three.