What do you do when they do ask and you don't feel comfy sayin?
I mean besides lieing/ not telling. How can I be smooth about it? lol (U ladies have a way with words)
Yea it's easy to never have that discussion when you're just dating but for those who are married, there's never a time when curiosity runs rampant? I'm curious.. I guess I can't see being married for ages and the topic of sex partners never comes up..
Married lady here... NO, he doesn't know my "number" and frankly he has no need to know. Everything he needs to know is what takes place in OUR relationship.
Now, I happen to know HIS, but that's because he volunteered it. It's a really low number and mine would run circles around his, but he doesn't need to feel like he's competing against X number of men between the sheets.
We were great platonic friends for a year before we even dated, so I had told him things about previous partners that I wish I hadn't mentioned, later on. But too bad, so sad. Nothing to be done about it now, and he is not the kind of person to be hung up on that issue anyway.
ETA: if he's a mature man with a healthy view of sex and women's sexuality, he WON'T ask to begin with. So just the fact that he is asking gives him a "ding".
Thanks for your response. To me it's not about dates and places, but getting a general idea of how a person gets down is very important IMO. The past determines a large part of your mindset and decision making processes. Past relationship and sexual experiences make all the difference in how you approach relationships in the present. I can't see just dismissing everything under a "that's in the past banner" when you have many people dealing with sex/relationship baggage for decades. It doesn't go away...
I'm not a virgin and have had to deconstruct my past experiences with men in order to figure out why I made certain decisions and maintained certain attitudes and emotions towards men so I could have better relationships in the present. I need to know the sexual context that my man is coming from , and knowing that he used to have a lot of causal sex relationships or was a serial sexual monogamist changes that context.
Maybe you all are right about exact numbers being a no-no, but I do think your partner needs to know your story..
I know where you're coming from.
This is how I've always looked at it.
Okay, so like you, I don't want a dude who had a lot of casual sexual relationships just because I didn't get down like that. So I want someone with a similar mindset.
While I might not know the man's number, I can maybe tell his mindset about sex by how quickly he tries to get in my pants... or, in general, men tell on themselves. One guy I talked to a while ago never gave his number, but he would always talk about how he hooked up with this chick here and that chick there and then he seemed WAY too "understanding" about why a man would cheat and even let some of his boys use his place...
So... that being said, I could probably take an educated guess that this dude's number was HIGH. And I could, without asking the number or saying a word, make my decision that we obviously were on different pages sexually.
Meanwhile, if I met a man who says on his own accord, "I think it's good for people to really get to know each other before they start having sex," and then he backs it up with action (like not trying to get my clothes off at the end of every date), then he's probably not Wilt Chamberlain II. Yeah, he could have been wild in the past and now has "changed," but I find that men's mindsets don't change much in this area.
Newbie chiming in . . . ITA, Bunny77. I think this really works better than the asking directly, because i noticed when men know that a woman's number is relatively low, that they just flatout lie to make themselves look better. It's better to just judge based on his/her current actions to guess their "number".
I think women should be just as much concerned with a man's "number" than they pretend to be with ours. With the way many men, that "boys will be boys" excuse just allows them to just bed any and everybody. That's so not cool with me.
Yea it's easy to never have that discussion when you're just dating but for those who are married, there's never a time when curiosity runs rampant? I'm curious.. I guess I can't see being married for ages and the topic of sex partners never comes up..
So if you were dating a guy would you rather tell him your credit score or your coloring number? Glib's post made me think of that lol..
I dont see anything wrong with telling the number. But to each their own.
Maybe you all are right about exact numbers being a no-no, but I do think your partner needs to know your story..
Agreed!
Going back to that first guy I mentioned... he asked me my number directly. I was younger then (like, 21) and I told him. The number was uh, very low. More than zero, but less than 2.
So he was like, "Wow, that's rare." Now, maybe in some circles, yeah, but not in mine. The crew I hung out with were mainly virgins, girls who had maybe a boyfriend or two, but in general, all women who could count on one hand how many partners they had, especially at 21.
So, his "shock" at my response made me raise an eyebrow... why was I at 21 so "rare" to him? He hadn't dealt with any 21-year-old women who were virgins or had only one partner before? Who the heck was he dealing with?
Then, I turned around and asked him... he said, "Oh, I don't really count."
RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG!!!!!
So, I learned my lesson with all that... No. 1, they'll ask you, and if you answer, a judgment is made. No. 2, if you turn around and ask them, these types WON'T give you an answer.
But even if we hadn't had that conversation, there were a lot of other things he said along the way that let me know he was a playa playa playa!!!
yes, & i know his. if you're serious about someone, that shouldn't be a secret.
now does he know their names, or any details about them? nope. but if he were to ask, i'd tell. we both have nothing to hide.
That ain't got jack to do with either of our numbers, though. I could talk allllll day about various partners, and still only sound like I've had sex with five people.
My credit score has much more impact on my future than the number of tongues I've touched does.
I can see why he thought that was rare. I knew women at age 21 who had 20 or 30 partners.
Oh yes, I know those women too!
That being said, with this man being educated and having been around a lot of different people, it was telling to me that the majority of the women he was around had a whole lot of partners... perhaps because he was the type of have that many partners as well by 21 and didn't bother to deal with women who were more selective.
Again, his reaction to me told me everything about HIS sexual behavior.
Meanwhile, my boyfriend a year earlier did not respond in the same way... he didn't think it was all that rare or shocking for a 19-20 year-old woman to be a virgin or have less than five partners. That also told me about his mindset in regards to sexual behavior.
I know where you're coming from.
This is how I've always looked at it.
Okay, so like you, I don't want a dude who had a lot of casual sexual relationships just because I didn't get down like that. So I want someone with a similar mindset.
While I might not know the man's number, I can maybe tell his mindset about sex by how quickly he tries to get in my pants... or, in general, men tell on themselves. One guy I talked to a while ago never gave his number, but he would always talk about how he hooked up with this chick here and that chick there and then he seemed WAY too "understanding" about why a man would cheat and even let some of his boys use his place...
So... that being said, I could probably take an educated guess that this dude's number was HIGH. And I could, without asking the number or saying a word, make my decision that we obviously were on different pages sexually.
Meanwhile, if I met a man who says on his own accord, "I think it's good for people to really get to know each other before they start having sex," and then he backs it up with action (like not trying to get my clothes off at the end of every date), then he's probably not Wilt Chamberlain II. Yeah, he could have been wild in the past and now has "changed," but I find that men's mindsets don't change much in this area.
Even if your number is "low", there are several issues that can pop up. By telling him the number, you are basically buying into the concept that he has the right to have the rundown on your past sexual history.
Now, some men will ask to determine if you are likely to have diseases.
Some men will ask to determine if you are a "good girl" or not (watch out for those guys, they have a Madonna/Wh*re complex) and if you deserve good treatment or not due to this factor.
Some men are secretly wanting to know because they can use it against you to pressure you into doing things you may not be comfortable with ("You've done it with X guys but you won't let me ____ your ____???" )
Then you have dudes who will end up asking you everything but what color toenail polish you had on while you were doing it! It's a control issue.
Nah, sis, they think you are lyin.
What also bothers me, is that some asked "Was he bigger/better than me?".
Yes...If something makes you ashamed you probably shouldn't have done it.
I ask his details as well. Some people may disagree with me but a person's life history(which includes physical and emotional relationships) can speak volumes about their integrity and character.
I want someone who has the same values as me...and that type of information (the type that ppl are able to lie about, is done in secret) can tell you a lot about those values.
The number ain't "magic" lol we all know how it comes to be what it is.