Do "You" Attract the kind of Man that you "Are"?

[~~HoneyComb~~]

I just wonder.

Do women attract men that are like them?

If we complain about the men that come on to us or the men that we dare to try to involve ouselves in a relationship with, why are they attracted to us?

When I dated, I could tell with a few decent conversations whether or not I wanted to give the guy the time of day. I feel I have a pretty good judge of character, and it didn't take weeks or months to figure it out.

If he wasn't what I felt I was looking for at the time, I wouldn't waste my time or his.

I guess I'm wondering--If a woman's a good woman, why can't she attract a good man?

Yall feel me?

 

[Everything Zen]

I have no problem attracting quality men...OF OTHER RACES

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

I have no problem attracting quality men...OF OTHER RACES

You have a problem with attracting a "quality" Black man?

 

[Everything Zen]

Sad but true. It's interesting bc the one's I am attracted to are always dating other races so one day I decided not to limit myself any longer.

 

[msa]

I guess I'm wondering--If a woman's a good woman, why can't she attract a good man?

Yall feel me?

You're getting your Carrie Bradshaw on with this question. I swear I heard her voice in my head.

I think it depends on what you mean by good. You can have a woman who has it together financially, educationally, and physically who keeps attracting pathetic crazy losers because she doesn't have herself together emotionally.

I firmly believe we attract (and notice) people who are like us. If you are crazy, you'll attract crazy. Triflin' (whether you think so or not) then you'll get triflin' and so on and so forth.

What I don't understand is why women continue to waste time on people who they know they don't want. And, why women continue to complain about the caliber of people they attract instead of taking the time to look at themselves and see their part in it.

 

[Crackers Phinn]

Oh absolutely, I attract a$$holes.

I have no problem admitting my own a$$holery.

The problem seems to be that it's hard for two people who are prone to such behavior to let down their guard enough to sustain a relationship.

I'm learning to be more emotionally available, but it's a struggle.

 

[Kamilah]

...i wish i was so fortunate. the one time i thought i did, he proposed then freaked out and wouldn't speak to me. but, it's the same with friends- i get along well with most everyone but am close with almost nobody. i really think that society allows certain behaviours in men such that they are uninterested/unable/unwilling to rise to the standards presented by us women. so, these loser guys are drawn to all kinds of women who may be out of their league. it's like casting a net in the sea- you can pick up some prize catch or barnacles on the bottom of life. especially in this era of "trading places" and guys who want "independent women" (read: women who don't expect anything from them but sex). I'm angry. Sorry. But it's true.

 

[Everything Zen]

Lord knows I've got my own issues but I have been blessed to find the love of my life who mirrors me in interests, compassion, sensitivity, personality, morals, insecurities, and issues. It's so easy to relate and comprehend but at the same time I count it a blessing that we are taking the time to finally deal with our similar issues with depression, childhood abuse, etc. and get to a healthier even more loving relationship.

On the other hand...

I didn't always think that I needed to find a black mate, but it REALLY bothers me when they 9 times out of 10 are the most trifling ones that come over to talk to me. I know part of the root of the problem.

I've been reading "Our Kind of People" about the history of the black elite and I can understand a lot of the purpose behind Jack and Jill and some of those social groups. I was raised in a very down to earth privileged middle class family and I went to 99% white private schools and a mostly white undergrad. I envy some of those kids in that book bc I was born and raised in Gary, IN out in the dunes of Miller and the black children that I went to school with could all be counted on the same one hand until hs. I wish I had grown up with more young black men with my background besides the one until hs. When I went to hs and beyond I have always ran into the "talks like a white girl and is really smart" label and bc of my upbringing I have been socialized around a lot of white children in sports, summer camps, etc. The Jack and Jill crowd seems way too elitist for my tastes but I definitely see the purpose of putting black kids socialized in mostly white environments into a group like this so they can grow up befriending other black children and meeting members of the opposite sex who they can identify with. I have friends of all ages, socioeconomic backgrounds, races, creeds, sexual orientation, etc. I guess it's just a little disappointing when I don't easily connect to men in my life that look like me.

 

[MarcustheWu]

I just wonder.

Do women attract men that are like them?

I guess I'm wondering--If a woman's a good woman, why can't she attract a good man?

I see what you are saying, but I think that this is only part of the picture. There are so many things at play in human relationships.

For example, luck plays a big part in relationships, unless fate exists. Two people just happen to start talking, and they both just happen to be ready for a relationship. I think this accounts for a lot of women and men, who are perfectly fine, but cannot find someone good to be with.

Also, generally people still do not have a fair view of what the sexes should desire. For example, people tell women that they are too picky and to lower their standards and, for the most part, men do not have the same amount of pressure to do that. So it is ok to pass good women over.

There are a lot of factors at play. Way more than, "As long as you have confidence and work on your issues, people will be drawn to that," or "If you are good, people will be attracted to that, and things will work out."

I hope that I did not drift too much.

 

[naijamerican]

Oh absolutely, I attract a$$holes.

I have no problem admitting my own a$$holery.

The problem seems to be that it's hard for two people who are prone to such behavior to let down their guard enough to sustain a relationship.

I'm learning to be more emotionally available, but it's a struggle.

I really appreciate your honesty and self-awareness.

I must say, though, that your first sentences seriously made me laugh out loud!

I don't know what I attract. I don't see a lot of men throughout the week, truth be told. That's probably why I'm single.

 

[JFemme]

I really appreciate your honesty and self-awareness.

I must say, though, that your first sentences seriously made me laugh out loud!

I don't know what I attract. I don't see a lot of men throughout the week, truth be told. That's probably why I'm single.

I admire Ms.Coily's honesty a great deal..and I at that sentence as well..

 

[Miss_Luna]

Oh absolutely, I attract a$$holes.

I have no problem admitting my own a$$holery.

The problem seems to be that it's hard for two people who are prone to such behavior to let down their guard enough to sustain a relationship.

I'm learning to be more emotionally available, but it's a struggle.

I am really sarcastic, especially when I'm a little nervous, and I always find myself in a conversation with an equally sarcastic male.
This past weekend I met a really nice guy, but we both kept going back and forth with the sarcasm and I couldn't tell if he liked me or not.

So I e-mailed him once I got back home and I'm still confused.

And I definitely agree with the bold. In general, yes, I do end up with emotionally unavailable guys. I will admit to being the same way, but that is something that I recognized this weekend and I am changing immediately. I think I really like this guy, but my attitude confused both of us.
You live and you learn.

 

[Essensual]

...I have to also add that I think the "deception" factor has to be considered as well.

You have to factor in the people who act as though they are one way and in truth are not. So there you are thinking you have attracted someone with certain qualities and attributes only to discover later

-- they are just really good actors.

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

You're getting your Carrie Bradshaw on with this question. I swear I heard her voice in my head.

I think it depends on what you mean by good. You can have a woman who has it together financially, educationally, and physically who keeps attracting pathetic crazy losers because she doesn't have herself together emotionally.

I firmly believe we attract (and notice) people who are like us. If you are crazy, you'll attract crazy. Triflin' (whether you think so or not) then you'll get triflin' and so on and so forth.

What I don't understand is why women continue to waste time on people who they know they don't want. And, why women continue to complain about the caliber of people they attract instead of taking the time to look at themselves and see their part in it.

I believe in the bolded also. And what one woman defines as a "good" man is different from the next.

And if a woman's complaint is "why can't I find a good man, according to what I think a good man is", then what's going on with the woman that is attracting the men that don't fit that definition? Why even give that man a chance?erplexed

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

...I have to also add that I think the "deception" factor has to be considered as well.

You have to factor in the people who act as though they are one way and in truth are not. So there you are thinking you have attracted someone with certain qualities and attributes only to discover later

-- they are just really good actors.

You're right, there are a lot of really good actors out there.

But will a woman's desperation for a man, cause her to overlook "subtle signs" in the beginning? Brushing the "signs" off because she really wants it to work?

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

Oh absolutely, I attract a$$holes.

I have no problem admitting my own a$$holery.

The problem seems to be that it's hard for two people who are prone to such behavior to let down their guard enough to sustain a relationship.

I'm learning to be more emotionally available, but it's a struggle.

I'm with everyone else who said that they appreciate your honesty in answering the question.

I appreciate the fact that it's a struggle and that you're working on it

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

I am really sarcastic, especially when I'm a little nervous, and I always find myself in a conversation with an equally sarcastic male.
This past weekend I met a really nice guy, but we both kept going back and forth with the sarcasm and I couldn't tell if he liked me or not.

So I e-mailed him once I got back home and I'm still confused.

And I definitely agree with the bold. In general, yes, I do end up with emotionally unavailable guys. I will admit to being the same way, but that is something that I recognized this weekend and I am changing immediately. I think I really like this guy, but my attitude confused both of us.
You live and you learn.

Yes, it is a living and learning process, and kudos to you for sitting back and evaluating what's going on in your relationships.

When you acknowledge the problems, then you can work on them

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

...i wish i was so fortunate. the one time i thought i did, he proposed then freaked out and wouldn't speak to me. but, it's the same with friends- i get along well with most everyone but am close with almost nobody. i really think that society allows certain behaviours in men such that they are uninterested/unable/unwilling to rise to the standards presented by us women. so, these loser guys are drawn to all kinds of women who may be out of their league. it's like casting a net in the sea- you can pick up some prize catch or barnacles on the bottom of life. especially in this era of "trading places" and guys who want "independent women" (read: women who don't expect anything from them but sex). I'm angry. Sorry. But it's true.

Re: the bolded, if by "society" you mean "women", then you're right.

But it doesn't have to be that way.

Men make no apologies for who they want, what they want--so why should women?

Refuse to think that because of "society" a man will not step up to what a woman wants if he's feeling her.

"Society" has no control over a man's feelings and can't tell a man how to treat the woman he wants. Once a woman lays down her requirements, and the man wants her, he's willing to comply.

 

[juju]

For someone who lives in an area where you don't meet black men
how can you know what types you attract ?

 

[JustKiya]

I always did - when I was emotionally screwed up, I met people equally emotionally screwed up. When I wasn't interested in a LTR, I met the same sort of person. When I was looking for a 'daddy', I found one.
I've always met smart people though - well, more accurately, I've always discarded dumbarses/ignoramuses immediately.

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

I always did - when I was emotionally screwed up, I met people equally emotionally screwed up. When I wasn't interested in a LTR, I met the same sort of person. When I was looking for a 'daddy', I found one.
I've always met smart people though - well, more accurately, I've always discarded dumbarses/ignoramuses immediately.

So did I!!

 

[natural in ATL]

I attract good men, but my issue is the men I attract aren't ready to settle down. Maybe that means I'm not ready to settle down? I dunno...I think I am but sometimes I do love being single and just "dating around" without any compromises, explanations or expectations. So I might have answered my own question?

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

I attract good men, but my issue is the men I attract aren't ready to settle down. Maybe that means I'm not ready to settle down? I dunno...I think I am but sometimes I do love being single and just "dating around" without any compromises, explanations or expectations. So I might have answered my own question?

Sounds like you answered your own question, that's pretty good. If we take a minute to actually listen to ourselves, and look deep within ourselves, we'll find the answer--most times.

 

[SimpleKomplexity]

Well God dang. According to this, I would only attract those like me. That means that I attract all of these losers because i am in fact a loser myself. I am also a flu flu, ho, unintelligent, psycho, ugly, and more. Way to go to make a girl feel low about herself lol.

I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THAT ISH! I'm funny, smart, outgoing, blabber, aloof, and goofy. I have never met my counterpart who acts the same. I only meet guys who are flunking in school, don't have a job, poor, ghetto or gangsta, and those who have no motivation. Me on the other hand I'm everywhere because of lack of organization, but I still have the drive to do well in life and for the most part I do. I think people attract the right kind of man when they are truly read for whatever reason in their life, but I don't know about attracting those just like them.

 

[BrooklynSouth]

Yes, so true but I am taking a multi-years break from serious dating. I realized I was attracting males the same as myself-selfish, freedom loving men. I also realized I did not want the involvement until I fixed what was making me be less than I needed to be. I'm just now starting to seriously open myself up to some change and a good mate.

 

[SugarBaby]

Great thread question!

I think this is a question that many women fail to answer for themselves especially when they are unhappy with their choices.

 

[aqualung]

I attract what I am because I filter out what I am not.
Lately, I consider only men with the following three features in combination.

1. men whose married parents stayed married (no illegitimate men, no children of divorce)
2. men with advanced degrees
3. men with judeo-christian backgrounds (no hindus, buddhists, muslims, scientologists, etc)

But I learned to appreciate these features by meeting men who lacked one or more of them. I didn't like those guys enough to date them.

I noticed the preference after several guy friends complained that they quit believing in marriage after their fathers split. Their fathers taught them how to leave. Some of these guys were bastards. Others were children of divorce.

 

[darlingdiva]

I always did - when I was emotionally screwed up, I met people equally emotionally screwed up. When I wasn't interested in a LTR, I met the same sort of person. When I was looking for a 'daddy', I found one.
I've always met smart people though - well, more accurately, I've always discarded dumbarses/ignoramuses immediately.

I think the bolded is also a big part of the issue. Some women are insecure & men sense that. If a woman is insecure & she puts up w/ all kinds of nonsense from men, he'll use her and waste her time.

For me, it's not just an issue of women attracting what they are; it's also an issue of what women will put up with.

 

[TayMac]

I think this can be very true but I also think you attract what you think you need or what you can handle at that moment. I've had some decent/good men come in and out of my life over time and I wasn't ready for them at that time.

Sometimes you have to go through the frogs to get ready for your prince.

 

[BlkHoneyLuv2U]

I attract NUTS!!....So I've come to the conclusion that if any man shows interest in me....there has to be something wrong with him. Better for me to just have a fwb.

ETA: Maybe its cause I'm NUTs too.

I just wonder.

Do women attract men that are like them?

If we complain about the men that come on to us or the men that we dare to try to involve ouselves in a relationship with, why are they attracted to us?

When I dated, I could tell with a few decent conversations whether or not I wanted to give the guy the time of day. I feel I have a pretty good judge of character, and it didn't take weeks or months to figure it out.

If he wasn't what I felt I was looking for at the time, I wouldn't waste my time or his.

I guess I'm wondering--If a woman's a good woman, why can't she attract a good man?

Yall feel me?