Dating/Finding Love as a Non-Pretty Woman

[Curlykale]

I think peaceful confidence is always sensed by people (and men).
I know that because I don't always have it here with me.

By peaceful I mean that it is the opposite of trying hard, it is non artificial and it is irradiated by every person in a completely different way. When you are not fighting with yourself or the world and you are enjoying the moment or being open, content and inquisitive, people smell it. That kind of confidence can only come out of your heart, brain and body and it will not need to say "I'm here". I don't guarantee that the blue prince will be on the same street as you that day, but that specific day will feel so right and you will notice more smiles, more looks and more reasons to know why you like yourself. And I find this extremely attractive in people or in myself when it happens.

 

[lushcoils]

I think you need to work on your confidence. I feel like you hide yourself because you don't feel attractive so you don't bother. Wear a little makeup, do your hair, wear colors etc and feel confident. Be as neat and feminine as possible.
You haven't said why you feel unpretty so I don't know if I said much relevant lol...

I don't see myself as non-pretty. I feel that men see me as non-pretty because I do most of what you suggested regularly, but hardly ever get approached.

 

[Glib Gurl]

lushcoils - Two questions for you . . .

See, now this is the part of my life that I'm trying to understand.

What do you mean by this? At first I thought you were saying that you didn't understand what *I* was saying but on second reading I'm confused.

I don't see myself as non-pretty. I feel that men see me as non-pretty because I do most of what you suggested regularly, but hardly ever get approached.

THIS!!

I sometimes wish I had a guy friend who I could really ask about this kind of stuff and it wouldn't make things awkward or weird. One time in college some female friends asked our one dude friend what he thought of their looks and he was like, "Y'all aiiight." It took many many months to repair the friendship after that

 

[FlyyBohemian]

Nope not true to to the topic posted. I've seen a lot of big and average women get a lot of men and even get married. I actually think those are the ones who are more likely to get married. There some average Or big women who have lovable personalities. It's all about mindset.


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[lushcoils]

What do you mean by this? At first I thought you were saying that you didn't understand what *I* was saying but on second reading I'm confused.



THIS!!

I sometimes wish I had a guy friend who I could really ask about this kind of stuff and it wouldn't make things awkward or weird. One time in college some female friends asked our one dude friend what he thought of their looks and he was like, "Y'all aiiight." It took many many months to repair the friendship after that

Glib Gurl,

I was agreeing with you! What I meant was, I don't understand why I get ignored when I do what is suggested: put effort/pride into my appearance and like myself.

My guy friends are no help. Whenever I bring it up, they're always like you're beautiful, and either try to get into my pants or ask me to be their girl. I'm always like, okay, new subject.

 

[Glib Gurl]

@Glib Gurl,

I was agreeing with you! What I meant was, I don't understand why I get ignored when I do what is suggested: put effort/pride into my appearance and like myself.

My guy friends are no help. Whenever I bring it up, they're always like you're beautiful, and either try to get into my pants or ask me to be their girl. I'm always like, okay, new subject.

I see.

Yeah, I have one guy friend who keeps hinting around that I'm the type of woman he wants but that is a definite no-go situation so I'm not 'bout to ask him what I should be doing differently to attract guys.

 

[CarLiTa]

I deduce you're in an environment that isn't friendly to your looks. Are you in a predominantly white area? Cause that sho'l can have you feeling unpretty or invisible.

Example, I live in Massachusetts. I have been traveling to NYC for work frequently this summer. So, I decided to create a 2nd OKCUPID profile in addition to the one I have in my city. In 44 days of having a NY profile, I had 22 messages, averaging one every other day. This was a month ago, and the trend hasn't stopped.

On the other hand, my MA profile has very few messages! The pix are pretty much the same, the descriptions, same. Thing is, around here I am NOT as asthetically pleasing to the majority of the men, who happen to be white. I'd feel pretty damn unpretty if I let that deter me My white and Asian counterparts are having great success with OKC, on the other hand

I strongly believe that location can play a significant role in attractiveness. Men clearly find you attractive lushcoils you just need to reposition yourself to be in a place where there are many more similarly minded men, because it's a numbers game after all.

 

[Dposh167]

^^well her location says DMV area, so i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that she's living in a pretty decent area of diversity? no?
unless she's living in a secluded section or neighborhood, OP what's the demographic of where u live?

 

[prettybyrd]

It would be unwise to think that if someone has insecurities about her life, her looks or her body, that getting dolled up will really catch her a man and keep him. Once the relationship starts, the real work begins, and it's hard to maintain a facade in a relationship.

I had a "pretty" friend who thought that looking good would get her a man, but once the glamour was lifted and her true colors were revealed, she found herself single again...every single time. (She was insecure, and just not a very kind person).

What she had was enough to get her a man, but it wasn't enough for her to keep him. On the other hand, her friend she referred to as ugly on numerous occasions, met and married the love of her life and is still with him 11 years later. And her husband is fine!

There are no hard and fast rules of attraction.

 

[lushcoils]

@CarLiTa,

I also tried the okcupid profile at various locations on the West and east coast, and midwest. I still didn't get any messages at any location. I guess my look isn't appealing to the average okc male.

I like in the DMV area, so I travel back and forth among, DC, Northern Virginia, and various parts of Maryland daily. The areas that I'm in are usually diverse for the most part, but again it seems like most people keep to themselves (on a mission) or stick with their own race. Sometimes I wonder if the gentrification of DC is causing some kind of weird racial tension and barriers around here though. Though my school is diverse, it is mostly white and segregated.

Are you sure being in non-diverse environments has to do with anything? People are always posting how wm approach them in these kinds of situations since it kind of signals that they might be receptive to them.

 

[VelvetRain]

It would be unwise to think that if someone has insecurities about her life, her looks or her body, that getting dolled up will really catch her a man and keep him. Once the relationship starts, the real work begins, and it's hard to maintain a facade in a relationship.

I had a "pretty" friend who thought that looking good would get her a man, but once the glamour was lifted and her true colors were revealed, she found herself single again...every single time. (She was insecure, and just not a very kind person).

What she had was enough to get her a man, but it wasn't enough for her to keep him. On the other hand, her friend she referred to as ugly on numerous occasions, met and married the love of her life and is still with him 11 years later. And her husband is fine!

There are no hard and fast rules of attraction.

Totally agree with you on the bolded. It really is all internal when you really sit down and think about it objectively. I have seen what I consider the most unattractive women out and about, living life, and with an average or overly handsome SO in which I used to wonder what the hell? If you can't for the life of you attract what you consider a great man then it's time for some self reflection. How is your attitude? What is your self esteem really like? How is your mentality/personality? What kind of vibe are you reallly putting out?

As far as the unattractive chick she could really have the best personality and mentality for which that man decided to be with her.

 

[Okay]

@CarLiTa,

I also tried the okcupid profile at various locations on the West and east coast, and midwest. I still didn't get any messages at any location. I guess my look isn't appealing to the average okc male.

I like in the DMV area, so I travel back and forth among, DC, Northern Virginia, and various parts of Maryland daily. The areas that I'm in are usually diverse for the most part, but again it seems like most people keep to themselves (on a mission) or stick with their own race. Sometimes I wonder if the

Ok... so you specifically are looking to attract a white man?

 

[Theo]

Lushcoils are you in school? What's your social life like?

 

[CarLiTa]

Are you sure being in non-diverse environments has to do with anything? People are always posting how wm approach them in these kinds of situations since it kind of signals that they might be receptive to them.

I think so. And I think to be approached by men of other races, a good approach is to either have an "in" into that race, like a close white friend (as an example) with whom you hang out... genuinely, I hope or activities that expose you and force you to interact with men of other races on a social/friendly level...


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[Okay]

..................

 

[mischka]

@CarLiTa,

I also tried the okcupid profile at various locations on the West and east coast, and midwest. I still didn't get any messages at any location. I guess my look isn't appealing to the average okc male.

I like in the DMV area, so I travel back and forth among, DC, Northern Virginia, and various parts of Maryland daily. The areas that I'm in are usually diverse for the most part, but again it seems like most people keep to themselves (on a mission) or stick with their own race. Sometimes I wonder if the gentrification of DC is causing some kind of weird racial tension and barriers around here though. Though my school is diverse, it is mostly white and segregated.

Are you sure being in non-diverse environments has to do with anything? People are always posting how wm approach them in these kinds of situations since it kind of signals that they might be receptive to them.

I notice a lot that you tend to attribute external factors to what you perceive to be as a lack of attention. Like I've seen you say before that okc is racist, and now you toy with a theory about racial barriers and gentrification as a reason why you don't get the attention you want. I would like to gently suggest that that's a bit unfair particularly in the face of many users on this site who gain attention (intra- and interracially) with relative ease.

I have also seen you say that you get attention (intra and interracially) but it's just not from men that are as attractive as you would like. Again I would like to gently suggest that perhaps your perception is being a little skewed. I'm not Halle Berry so I can't demand I get attention only from men who look like Gabriel Aubry. You know?

 

[lushcoils]

I'm not demanding only Gabriel Aubrey, ... like I've said before, average looking men in my age group are fine.

I've also talked with other people not on this board about their experiences with IR dating in this area online and IRL. They have had some similar experiences as I do, so I'm not trying to be unfair to any on this board. Your experience doesn't negate mine, and my experience doesn't negate yours. Yes, I have attracted men of all races before, ranging from Gabriel Aubrey-like to average looking to .... . But it doesn't happen as often as I would like, which is why I created this post.

And it's not like I'm pulling what I said out my @ss. Is there not a very long thread complaining about the men in DC on here? I know this stat doesn't really apply to anyone on here, but didn't okc create those racist stats about bw on their site?

@freelove, yes, I'm in school. Social life a work in progress.

@Okay, I just want to attract men of all races like everyone else.

@VelvetRain, I think this is the first time I've agreed with you on a relationship topic. Thanks.

 

[Almaz]

Some of the Ugliest down right homilest women I Know where I live have husbands and have had them for a long time too Some of these women are nothing to look at even when they were young I know I was at some of their wedding. Maybe getting a personality would help Oh and let me say these women are married to doctors Lawyers business owners accountant. Carol Segal is not a pretty woman to me in the least bit even with all the work but she did manage to marry well and get with the man that started Crate and Barrel. A lot of men can see women with issues. Some play on that to use women others avoid it like the plague. As Prettybyrd said there is not hard and fast rules to the laws of attraction and you can be a beautiful to unicorn status and you are still alone having a personality really helps a lot

 

[mischka]

I'm not demanding only Gabriel Aubrey, ... like I've said before, average looking men in my age group are fine.

I've also talked with other people not on this board about their experiences with IR dating in this area online and IRL. They have had some similar experiences as I do, so I'm not trying to be unfair to any on this board. Your experience doesn't negate mine, and my experience doesn't negate yours. Yes, I have attracted men of all races before, ranging from Gabriel Aubrey-like to average looking to .... . But it doesn't happen as often as I would like, which is why I created this post.

And it's not like I'm pulling what I said out my @ss. Is there not a very long thread complaining about the men in DC on here? I know this stat doesn't really apply to anyone on here, but didn't okc create those racist stats about bw on their site?

@freelove, yes, I'm in school. Social life a work in progress.

@Okay, I just want to attract men of all races like everyone else.

@VelvetRain, I think this is the first time I've agreed with you on a relationship topic. Thanks.

Yeah, but what I'm saying is, it's not fair to look at your experience and say it's different because it's racism or gentrification. This stuff is specific to the person usually. I can look at my experiences and for the most part say they're specific to me - yeah it is me. I just don't think you should look for external explanations or chalk it up to racism. I don't see how that's helpful, at any rate. Especially without considering well - maybe it's me. Maybe I'm just not that cute and that is an entirely rational explanation for why I get less attention. I mean, let's just all stop sugarcoating siht and admit the cuter you are the more attention you get. It's not a bad thing, it's not a negative thing, it's nothing to do with racism or location. I don't see the need to drag all these other factors into it rather than say "I get attention proportionate to how attractive men perceive me." It's not a big deal. Like, because otherwise you realize you're saying "non black men aren't interested in me because they're racist," right? That's what you say when you chalk it up to racism and gentrification and whatever else.

I haven't read the thread about DC men since I'm not in DC and do not ever want to live there, so Idk about that.

 

[lushcoils]

Maybe I'm just not that cute

Yes, this is the perfect mindset to have in order to maintain the confidence needed to attract men my way. Thanks!

 

[mischka]

That's not what I'm saying. I think everyone has indulged you - quite nicely - in this thread but now you're just bordering on being a victim. Particularly if you still do want to date non black men. What kinda sense does it make to dwell on thinking these men don't want you because they are racist - fundamentally uninterested in whoever you are as a person - without switching your gears to something else then?

Girl, I guess.

 

[january noir]

^^^^^
oh ok. Tiny got a good looking man, we should be asking her lol

Yeah, but he's stupid Trying to live the gangsta life (gun and drug charges) and be a rapper/movie star with a wife and kids. :erplexed

 

[lushcoils]

I don't see how my post is different from other women who post that they can't find a man or any good men at so so location, event, or types of places. "What's wrong with men *here*?" "Why can't I find any good man at the .... or in ...?" Hardly, anyone ever tells the poster that they are too ugly or something is wrong with them though plenty of women have found quality men in these cities and types of events. It's usually, girl it's not you, it's them; or the men are intimidated by you; or move down here, the men will love you ...

 

[qchelle]

Hey girl!

So is your main concern getting approached? Or having a relationship with someone?

ETA: I haven't read the entire thread, so I'm sorry if you've already addressed this lol

 

[mischka]

All I'm saying is it's not the worst thing in the world to realistically assess your experiences in relation to your appearance. For people who really are ugly - and you are not ugly - there's nothing they can do about it either and I'm sure they don't spend all their time saying "well I'm ugly, guys don't want me."

As far as feeding other women on this site lines about just move somewhere else, well, you ain't never seen me do none of that and I don't endorse that, so... I always assume the first line of defense to be self examination before looking at outside factors. Who knows whether those women are obese, or have OOW children, no education, no job, no assets, brokedown ugly ghetto and whatever else and there is a perfectly logical explanation for THEIR problems? So uh yeah, I'm not one to say "it's the environment" BEFORE checking that everything's above board with YOURSELF.

Everyone, even the most gorgeous of women, even Halle Berry, has their issues when it comes to dating. The best you can do is consider yourself as someone worthy of love and devotion, and carry that into your interactions with men. It does nothing to dwell on all this other junk that probably has nothing to do with it, nor to try to figure out tips and tricks to pull every dude you come by or you want to pull... because it's not reality, and it's not gonna help. I know for damn sure I'm not everyone's cup of tea, and that's fine. There are types of guys that I want but haven't been swimming in and that's fine. I want a doctor but can't seem to pull one so what do I do? Well mostly I just focus on other men who ARE interested in me.

I just feel as though we are all tiptoeing around the real issue. Do you think you're ugly? Do you think you are unattractive to the point where men do not show surface attention to you? Do you think you're not pretty enough to get the type of men you want? Do you just want tons of attention and don't know why you aren't getting it? Is it that or is it something else? Really, which is it? These can be rhetorical questions if you like.

 

[lushcoils]

Hey! I never really addressed it. My main concern is getting approached so become more experienced with dating. After about a year or 2, I think I'll get tired of that and will be ready for a relationship. But I need to figure out ways for me to get approached regularly in order to maximize my pool to get into a fulfilling relationship.

Mischka, I think I get what you're saying now.

 

[Theo]

Hey... If I were you I might work on beefing up my social life. I think that having a poor dating/love life can be a symptom of having a not-so-great social life in general.

If you don't run in the same circles of the type of dudes you're looking for, where do you think you'll meet those types of dudes? If you do run in those type of circles and you have a number of eligible men that you are acquainted with and they just ignore you on a regular basis, unless you are terribly ugly, its not your looks that is the problem its something else, and I think you should try to figure out what that something is.

I doubt you're ugly so I really don't think looks are the issue. I have a lot of male friends who are pretty eligible, somewhat sought after, and the types of women that they date are not always bangers, but they have some sort of notable something. Honestly, I think well-rounded, attractive, personable women who are not thirsty are actually somewhat rare. Some women who think that they are a catch, are not necessarily the catch that they think they are, and IME its rarely looks that rule them out, usually its some sort of personality defect.

But I'm not saying that you have a personality defect, I just think you're fixated on this looks thing, and its probably not as big of an issue as you think it is.

 

[Crackers Phinn]

Your experience doesn't negate mine, and my experience doesn't negate yours.

And this is exactly why these types of threads are needed, regardless of who they make uncomfortable. Life does not work out like an afterschool special for everyone.

 

[Dposh167]

yea i agree with freelove.

u may need to focus on changing your social ENVIRONMENT. Still keeping up your looks cuz presentation counts...but your social life may need editing. Hang out where its not just the regular setting of "going out with ur gfriend to a public place waiting for a guy to approach you". But rather social gatherings of close friends, or acquaintances that will have men there where you can get introduced. A lot of girls meet men thru other people, or private social settings like a football game over somebody's house. Or a group of males and females go out for drinks at a bar. These types of settings allow you to meet potentials without the going thru the whole approach thing.

I actually found it easier to meet guys in those private settings more than just going out to a bar with a g-friend in hopes of some guy approaching me and us hitting it off.

OP, are u able to find social settings like this? Or do have people that throw parties, or gatherings, that u would be able to take place in?

----

 

[drappedup]

I have a few female friends who I consider to be very attractive, and I know they are facially and physically. At the same time, I know I am also attractive, and so I usually don't have too many issues confidence-wise, because I am secure. The few times my confidence has been rocked whenever around an attractive female, I feel like people notice....I feel like it's a clear vibe a person gives out, and that more than anything detracts away from the attention people around you give you. I have had times where I was the one to pull long-term attention from a guy who showed initial interest in me and an attractive female friend. Though, vice versa has happened too. I find that usually if you are attractive, you will get attention, but long-term pursuit from a guy isn't just on looks, it's on your personality as well, as well as sense of humor, ability to carry out good conversation, etc.. That's what counts at the end of the day, I think. Too many women overload on their looks, but forget to put stock into their personality and dialogue. I try (and every now and then fail) to keep both categories on point.

Again, this is just from my experiences.

I also agree with the user who said quiet confidence wins at the end of the day. At least to me. Over the top, in your face confidence is not my style. I feel like if you're truly secure in yourself you won't need to always be so over the top to get noticed. If you're truly confident, it should quietly transmit whether or not you are the loudest or most noticed/acknowledged in the room.