Do men look for "The One" or . . .

[dlewis]

every married man that i know says that they knew their wife was "the one" when they saw/met her.

My husband says that too. And he did tell people that.


BUT I wonder who else he said that about?

 

[Glib Gurl]

My husband says that too. And he did tell people that.


BUT I wonder who else he said that about?

LOL - you silly!

 

[Raspberry]

Funny you would ask this today. I think it's kinda a combo. As I was driving in to the office today my mom called and was telling me about a man who spoke yesterday at a church. He was ready for a wife. He made a specific list of qualities he wanted and asked God to help him find a wife with those qualities. He found her about a year or so later. I have heard other men say similar things. I think just like with anything else a person's personal beliefs come into effect here too. A man who has a personal relationship with God will use different seeking tools than one who does not. I have also know men who just randomly picked (don't ask how those relationships are doing). Plenty do just what LDoll said. If they are serious, they make a conscious decision to change old ways, thoughts, or trends, and make it the right time.

I know a man who circulated a similar list among his friends across the country. They found a gorgeous woman in another state than his like 3 months later. He was engaged within a few months and married maybe 9 months after he met her lol.

 

[Raspberry]

Well, I do think that if a woman has been with a man for over a couple years and he keeps saying he's not ready, she needs to take that as her not being the right one for him. Men get ready pretty quickly if they feel they're with the right woman, especially if they fear losing her.

That said, men definitely don't romanticize the whole process the way women do. I don't think they think it through in terms of "the one." They tend to be more pragmatic about it and are aware that there are more than one "ones" out there and if he finds a woman whom he loves, is attracted to, shares goals with, etc., he doesn't need much more signaling.

It's interesting how you don't usually hear men talk about soulmates, and while men can certainly have their hearts broken, they can bounce back much quicker than women. Find them a new girl, wife, etc, before you can blink twice. They know there's other fish in the sea who will meet their requirements.

 

[Lenee925]

Well, I do think that if a woman has been with a man for over a couple years and he keeps saying he's not ready, she needs to take that as her not being the right one for him. Men get ready pretty quickly if they feel they're with the right woman, especially if they fear losing her.

That said, men definitely don't romanticize the whole process the way women do. I don't think they think it through in terms of "the one." They tend to be more pragmatic about it and are aware that there are more than one "ones" out there and if he finds a woman whom he loves, is attracted to, shares goals with, etc., he doesn't need much more signaling.

This is true. It would be better for women to get the hint as in he's not right for her either, sooner rather than later. Sometimes a woman isn't the 'right one' because she doesn't share a drug and alcohol habit or want a threesome but I digress.

 

[dlewis]

LOL - you silly!

With these men you have to wonder.

 

[aribell]

I happened to ask this question last month to a favorite blogger of mine, an older man (very older--he's got to be in his 70s at least). His response didn't directly answer the question, but this is what he had to say:

Nicola.Kirwan cited this very perceptive and accurate observation and asked for thoughts:

“A man decides to get married when the time is right and makes the woman he’s with the right one (or finds one that’s good enough); but a woman finds the right man [or Mr. Good Enough] and makes it the right time whenever she finds him.”

Regarding marriage, men must be persuaded. Women decide easily. It flows from differences in their natures. Basically:

· Her time focus is primarily the future. Given the opportunity to brighten it, she leaps to seize what a man offers.

· Her primal fear is abandonment. So, she seeks to prevent future abandonment with vows, rituals, and a man’s affirming words of commitment, and she hopes they will be eternal.

· Her primal want is for a stable relationship with someone stronger and more influential in shaping events that impact her and her children.

· His time focus is primarily the present. He uses the past to forecast the future, and so he always needs more time to keep assessing her wifely promise by what he previously learned.

· His primal fear is insignificance, so he keeps seeking more signs, more insurance that his significance will not be endangered by marrying a particular woman.

· His primal want is freedom to do as he chooses and especially make himself stand out among others as unique, as a competitor, as a person of significance. Caution clouds his view when considering marriage. Her promise as a wife revolves around the freedom he must give up for the benefits he’ll acquire. It’s no easy or sudden decision.

Thus, women view marriage as opportunity. Men view it as threat. She’s eager, he’s reluctant. Her irresistible force meets his immovable object. Centuries of convincing men have turned females into relationship experts.

I think his main point was that since women are more naturally looking to settle and will benefit from it, we are more eager to find a man to fit the bill and will prioritize marriage when we see the opportunity. But men, not being relationship oriented, have to get to a place of really believing that marriage in general and marriage to this particular woman is going to benefit them. I guess once they are convinced, they simply go for it, as their wants aren't complicated. They really only need a place--so the blogger says--to "eat and flop" (with convenient access to sex).

Just another perspective.

 

[Lenee925]

I happened to ask this question last month to a favorite blogger of mine, an older man (very older--he's got to be in his 70s at least). His response didn't directly answer the question, but this is what he had to say:



I think his main point was that since women are more naturally looking to settle and will benefit from it, we are more eager to find a man to fit the bill and will prioritize marriage when we see the opportunity. But men, not being relationship oriented, have to get to a place of really believing that marriage in general and marriage to this particular woman is going to benefit them. I guess once they are convinced, they simply go for it, as their wants aren't complicated. They really only need a place--so the blogger says--to "eat and flop" (with convenient access to sex).

Just another perspective.

I think this has a lot of merit.

Do any of you think about how it would be if in american culture, the women were the ones who did the proposing? It's the man's decision whether or not you are the right one. Like Nicole said, we take the guy and get ready for marriage if he's good enough. So we women wait. And hope for a guy to determine if we are the quintessential Neo. It's like there's a competition and if you don't get picked, then your value as a women decreases. So then we all think of ways to get 'picked' and become the 'chosen one'.

I gotta be honest though, I would not have asked my ex to marry me, and not because of tradition. Deep in my heart I knew he wasn't the one but wanted him to be. How many of us women can be brutally honest and think of it with a man's perspective? Do you really, really want to marry that guy or is it just our societal pressure? Why do we put our self-worth in getting a male to 'put a ring on it'? Men don't put their self-worth in getting picked by us for marriage. They have that luxury because 90% of the time the men are doing the asking for marriage. It gives them a sort of upperhand that plays right into the insecurities of women. When I meet my future DH I hope can love him and value him without hingeing all my worth on being married to him.

 

[DaPPeR]

This is a good thread....Men think so differently from us.

 

[awhyley]

I'm getting very depressed by this, because it seems that I could be perfect, he could be perfect, but because he's 'not in the right place' my true love could pass on me because he's not marriage-minded at that moment. *shakes head* I know a few girls who waited on their spouse until he was, but I'm not that type. Future DH better ready himself when he meets me. *nods*

 

[gabulldawg]

I do think it’s about timing. When a man is ready to marry I think he will look for “the one.” I don’t think a man necessarily picks the next woman walking along to tie down when he’s ready to get married. They still have standards. They still want a woman they are physically attracted to, still want a woman who will be faithful, still want a woman who they think will make a good wife and mother, etc. They’re not just going to point to the next woman they see and say “You’re going to be my wife.”

 

[gabulldawg]

I'm getting very depressed by this, because it seems that I could be perfect, he could be perfect, but because he's 'not in the right place' my true love could pass on me because he's not marriage-minded at that moment. *shakes head* I know a few girls who waited on their spouse until he was, but I'm not that type. Future DH better ready himself when he meets me. *nods*

No need to be depressed. Like some have said, when you find a good man you won't have to worry about whether he's ready or not. He will let you know. If he loves you and wants to make you happy and knows that marriage is what you are looking for he will make it happen. No worries.

 

[FoxxyLocs]

I think it's a combination of timing and finding the "one", but that goes for men and women. I don't think a man would just pick somebody who was "good enough". I mean men have standards too. Both parties have to be ready to settle down, or be willing to do what it takes to get ready. It's not as if a man meets a woman and decides right then and there that he will marry her. He might think she's marriage material, but he has to really get to know her before he proposes (in most cases). The same goes for women.

If your man was ready to settle down, there still had to be something special about you that made him want to marry you. He could have just as easily married someone else if all he wanted was a wife.

By the same token, if you date a man for years and then he dumps you and marries someone else, that means you weren't perfect for him for whatever reason. And he wasn't perfect for you either.

If a man can date his dream woman, and then let her go because he wants to continue to play the field, then he's stupid and you wouldn't want him anyway.

 

[GeauXavi]

I had the same question about a year and a half ago...check out this old thread:

http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=265753&highlight=

 

[fmnnity]

. . . do they just "Pick One" when they decide they're ready to get married?

More and more, I'm hearing from men that for them it's mostly a matter of timing . . . when they decide they want to get married, they see who's around and could be a good wife and go for it. No crying and carrying on about a "soulmate" or waiting for "the one." They just "pick one" and get on with their lives.

What do you think?

These are my exact words to a girlfriend of mine. She thinks I'm cynical.

 

[aribell]

These are my exact words to a girlfriend of mine. She thinks I'm cynical.

I don't see it as cynical or even a bad thing really. If anything, I think it should help women to not take things so personally if the "timing" is off.

 

[ambergirl]

^^^^ I agree with you, but it could also be a double edged sword. If you believe its more about timing it might make a woman feel less special when a man picks her.

On another note, I was sitting in the coffee shop the other day and I heard this Dad consoling his daughter who had broken up with her boyfriend saying "Sweetheart, most relationships are supposed to end, that's just part of dating and finding the right one." I don't know about her but it made me feel better.

 

[SimpleKomplexity]

You're not wrong. If they really do love you, then they will do what they need to do in order to feel ready. If they don't, then they were more concerned about themselves than you and your relationship.

I saw this with my best friend's husband. They were together for a number of years, and she was distressed about the fact that he wasn't talking marriage yet. One night, he was a smidge tipsy after hanging out with friends, and when they came home, they had a little bit of a argument. During that argument he admitted how he really felt - he was scared to ask her to marry him because he was scared he couldn't provide yet. But he also admitted that he was scared of losing her too if he didn't commit.

He worked hard on himself, and once he felt more solid, they got engaged and are now married.

Yup I just stole this right here and put it on facebook. That right there is the TRUTH!

 

[PistolWhip]

In general, men have a shorter list of 'must haves" then women so lots of women fit the bill. That's why I think it's more about timing.

^^^^co-signing on that!

 

[LisaLisa1908]

Timing. Being "The One" only matters if the timing is right.