Do i habe cold feet or do i have legitimate concerns

[chronicity]

I can't tell you what to do with your relationship, but I offer a suggestion to help you decide what to do.

Which is more likely: that you will regret marrying him years from now or that you will regret breaking things off? Only you know the answer to this.

I suspect there are a lot of people out there who regret marrying the wrong person. It happens all the time. Just because a guy is marriage-minded doesn't mean he's compatible with you. Having some fear and uncertainty of the unknown is natural, but if these reservations are constantly weighing on your mind, they should be treated seriously. If you ignore your concerns and push forward with marriage, regret may be the ugly monster that attacks your well-being years from now. But only you know the full story.

Good luck, OP.

 

[PrissiSippi]

OP I know it's tough because you really love him. He is probably a good person. There's nothing wrong with that. You do know at this point that the love is not enough to make up for all of that. The tough thing about your relationship is apart from loving him at this point you have intertwined your lives so much that what would be a break up or a break will have an almost similar fallout to a divorce. The only difference being neither one of you has some of the rights and responsibilities of legal marriage.

I recommend finding an older married couple from your church and going to talk to them alone. Be 100% honest with them and ask them what they think. This is your life.

Yeeeeees. Despite the flaws and all I really love and respect him. I complain about the little stuff because I want others to see what I see. And the life we have together is so beautiful and sometimes and wake up and ask how did I get so lucky. Somebody asked me what do I get from the relationship? Man, I get unconditional love. I don't care if it's 3am and my apartment has gotten broken into or it's 10 pm and I have a broken arm with him having a 6am deadline the next morning. He stays, babies me like a queen, and is very present until the situation is resolved. If the puppy gets sick, I must admit I don't have to worry about bills, vet visits and etc because whatever I love he loves too so he just picks up the bill. BUT with that one said, he gives even if it hurts him. Like if it's his last he will give it to me but I'd rather him be upfront and say I don't have the money right now....or I won't have the money for such and such later if I do this. He doesn't. He just gives and gives to "make me happy".

We have gone to premarital counseling. It has helped on communication but I guess I just have to keep going to see the effects of financial counseling and etc. I guess this is just something I'ma have to think hard about and just figure things out one day at a time.

 

[ambergirl]

Yeeeeees. Despite the flaws and all I really love and respect him. I complain about the little stuff because I want others to see what I see. And the life we have together is so beautiful and sometimes and wake up and ask how did I get so lucky. Somebody asked me what do I get from the relationship? Man, I get unconditional love. I don't care if it's 3am and my apartment has gotten broken into or it's 10 pm and I have a broken arm with him having a 6am deadline the next morning. He stays, babies me like a queen, and is very present until the situation is resolved. If the puppy gets sick, I must admit I don't have to worry about bills, vet visits and etc because whatever I love he loves too so he just picks up the bill. BUT with that one said, he gives even if it hurts him. Like if it's his last he will give it to me but I'd rather him be upfront and say I don't have the money right now....or I won't have the money for such and such later if I do this. He doesn't. He just gives and gives to "make me happy". We have gone to premarital counseling. It has helped on communication but I guess I just have to keep going to see the effects of financial counseling and etc. I guess this is just something I'ma have to think hard about and just figure things out one day at a time.

This is all great! Just know who you got and accept and live with that. Any changes will most likely be around the edges.

 

[moneychaser]

^^ The bolded.
Could not have said it better myself. OP, I am currently in the middle of a divorce, married 19 years, together 22 in all. The things that bothered me BEFORE we were married, did not go away after we were married and in fact, got worse. Most of the complaints you have, were the same ones I had. If there is anything I have learned, it is this: when a person shows you who they are, believe them. The premarital behaviors that are a problem, do not go away just because you say "I do".
Good luck!

Same here! Him being a push over would be a major red flag (for me, I prefer Alpha men) in addition to the financial irresponsiblity. Who wants a wimp of a husband, that doesn't have your back (I know you didnt say all of this OP-just venting lol). What good is he for if he can't defend your honor
THAT is one thing I believe that is a charactar flaw and cannot be fixed.

 

[barbiesocialite]

I told you once before about this guy and your friend on here jumped on me and said yall were meant to be together and then others called me negative, but what I predicted was true after all. I knew it was true because I had been there. So as a repeat of what i posted before, it will NOT get better. It will get much worse. You have to decide how long you want to hang on and how much you're willing to do all by yourself.

This.

I agree with what most have said. Sounds like he's a Beta man and you want one who's more of an Alpha.

I have a close friend who married a man with many of the qualities you've mentioned. Twice she decided to just turn it over and force him to be the leader of the family and the finances by not engaging in any of that and also not asking too many questions and just letting him be responsible ...First time they went from surplus to tens of thousands of dollar in debt within a year. Second time something like $10,000 was gone and he had no plausible explanation (at least not one she felt like sharing with me).

They're still married but she has just had to accept he's never going to be the leader or as financially responsible as her or all the other traits she wish he had.

Either you'll need to just accept who he is strengths, flaws and all or end it because they will just drive you crazy as most likely those traits will just get more prominent over time.

and this.

However, I've read OP's other threads. I don't think it's just him.

That said, it might be time for some introspective reflection because as it appears at present, there may be a high likelihood of attracting this type of man or situation again.......

 

[naturalmanenyc]

You have a Beta male and it reads like you chose him because the other guys you dated were jerks. Presumably they were Alpha males.

Do you really love this man or are your settling based on past jerks?

It reads like you act single when the two of you are out together. If men are flirting with you and you are flirting back while out with your fiancé, that is a problem. You say you don't want him to fight or be rude but you are clearly looking for a reaction from him. Are you trying to test him to see if he will fight? And if he does fight, then what?

People don't change. He is on his best behavior right now so count on him becoming less helpful after you get married, if you decide to stay. Finances are the major reason for divorce.

It's easier to break off an engagement than to go through a divorce.

Is his name on the mortgage?

 

[Theresamonet]

Yeeeeees. Despite the flaws and all I really love and respect him. I complain about the little stuff because I want others to see what I see. And the life we have together is so beautiful and sometimes and wake up and ask how did I get so lucky. Somebody asked me what do I get from the relationship? Man, I get unconditional love. I don't care if it's 3am and my apartment has gotten broken into or it's 10 pm and I have a broken arm with him having a 6am deadline the next morning. He stays, babies me like a queen, and is very present until the situation is resolved. If the puppy gets sick, I must admit I don't have to worry about bills, vet visits and etc because whatever I love he loves too so he just picks up the bill. BUT with that one said, he gives even if it hurts him. Like if it's his last he will give it to me but I'd rather him be upfront and say I don't have the money right now....or I won't have the money for such and such later if I do this. He doesn't. He just gives and gives to "make me happy".

We have gone to premarital counseling. It has helped on communication but I guess I just have to keep going to see the effects of financial counseling and etc. I guess this is just something I'ma have to think hard about and just figure things out one day at a time.

I don't understand this. What's wrong with him sacrificing to make sure you're happy? He will be your husband after all... If it makes you so angry that he will give you his last, why don't you just stop asking for it? There are plenty of men out there who would be more than happy to tell you they "ain't got it".

Sounds like your FH is not the only one who has some things to work on. Cause I would be damned if I stuck around while someone complains about me giving them too much.

 

[SweetNic_JA]

Keep him. Work on your spirituality together. Continue counseling. If you marry, do not have children immediate. Give it at least a couple years.

Good luck to you both. He sounds like there is hope. It's not easy to get an Engineering degree; assuming it is from a good school and he came out with a good GPA.

 

[DarkJoy]

As someone who was married to a man exactly like yours for TWENTY YEARS, I am camp--RUN! Obviously, mine ended in divorce. My excuse is that we met at 16 and I did not know any better. Let me tell you, You CAN NOT CHANGE A MAN. No amount of counceling, mind games, voodoo magic, platinum laced poonany, 25 hour marathon talks into the dead of night will change a man that does not want to change. You yourself said that he will not discuss financial issues. He does NOT Want to change.

Dealing with a male THIS level of beta means you become dominant 24/7. You will be the CEO, CFO, CMO, COO AND middle managment even while sick, pregnant, running after kids all the while keeping a job. (I've DONE THIS). It's exhausting and mind bending... for ME alone as a single mother is better tbh.

As it sounds now in your OP, you have already lost respect for him. It's already ruined before you've even walked down the aisle. It's almost impossible to return respect in a man once you've lost it. Your OP says you neither like nor respect his financial decisions, social quirks, personal appearance choices and whatever else.

Im sorry OP, but financial AND religious incompatibility is disaster. I have a friend that just divorced because after 10 years her husband STILL refused to become a believer and he kept making snide remarks about her faith.

In any case, loss of respect will end in resentment 2 years from now. After that? Divorce.

To ease yourself and say you tried everything go to pre-marital counceling and I second the Dave Ramsey classes given at most churches.

 

[Farida]

I don't understand this. What's wrong with him sacrificing to make sure you're happy? He will be your husband after all... If it makes you so angry that he will give you his last, why don't you just stop asking for it? There are plenty of men out there who would be more than happy to tell you they "ain't got it".

Sounds like your FH is not the only one who has some things to work on. Cause I would be damned if I stuck around while someone complains about me giving them too much.

A man who sacrifices so you can have is terribly romantic. A man who is falling behind on your household bills while he keeps giving to you is not romantic and not smart. At some point a man needs to be man enough to either admit he doesn't have it or do whatever it takes to actually get it. Not owe Peter to pay Paul.

 

[nlamr2013]

I know this is older but the fact that you feel you lead the relationship would give me pause. Especially if you are religious.

Are you all in premarital counseling?

 

[Mitre]

I believe OP already made her decision about what she plans to do in future.

If OP truly believe her man was no good or their are incompatible she would have walked away without asking for advice on this board.

Thus advising her to walk away from this relationship is counterproductive.

 

[foxxymami]

All I will say is, if I had responsibly thought through the very things you're contemplating now, I would never have married my husband. He is definitely the "beta male" type as has been described here. The signs were all there, but I just attributed it to the fact that he needed my push, my motivation, and to "come into his own".. The lies!!

Over the past few months (during the course of marital group therapy), I've discovered that he is naturally passive about...well, just about everything. It's who he is, who he was, and who he always gon be.

Most of the struggles and problems in our marriage stem from this. It's HAAARD for me because I still haven't reconciled with the fact that I'm going to have to carry and/or push him for the rest of our lives. Married 4 years, separated for 6 months last year, struggling for air all of this year so far :-/

I apologize for being so grim :-/

Sent from my iPhone using LHCF

 

[PrissiSippi]

As someone who was married to a man exactly like yours for TWENTY YEARS, I am camp--RUN! Obviously, mine ended in divorce. My excuse is that we met at 16 and I did not know any better. Let me tell you, You CAN NOT CHANGE A MAN. No amount of counceling, mind games, voodoo magic, platinum laced poonany, 25 hour marathon talks into the dead of night will change a man that does not want to change. You yourself said that he will not discuss financial issues. He does NOT Want to change.

Dealing with a male THIS level of beta means you become dominant 24/7. You will be the CEO, CFO, CMO, COO AND middle managment even while sick, pregnant, running after kids all the while keeping a job. (I've DONE THIS). It's exhausting and mind bending... for ME alone as a single mother is better tbh.

As it sounds now in your OP, you have already lost respect for him. It's already ruined before you've even walked down the aisle. It's almost impossible to return respect in a man once you've lost it. Your OP says you neither like nor respect his financial decisions, social quirks, personal appearance choices and whatever else.

Im sorry OP, but financial AND religious incompatibility is disaster. I have a friend that just divorced because after 10 years her husband STILL refused to become a believer and he kept making snide remarks about her faith.

In any case, loss of respect will end in resentment 2 years from now. After that? Divorce.

To ease yourself and say you tried everything go to pre-marital counceling and I second the Dave Ramsey classes given at most churches.

This whole post is a million times true. To answer previous questions

Yes I did feel like I settled. If anyone remembers my old blogs about Mr I Can't Committ and Mr Micheal Jackson Bac....I think the first situation ruined my entire life. It chokes me. Leaving me with guilt grief anxiety impulsive tendencies nightmares and more despite being four years. I ran from that situation to the furthest thing away from an arsehole alpha male. I do sometimes feel like I'm settling. But he's just suuuuuuuch a good person.


We went to premarital counseling. I ended up looking like a crazy ****. I quit eventually because it didn't take us anywhere. Everything he takes over sensitive. And I tend to act like the man. Very harsh with a so what get over it attitude. I decided that I needed alone counseling so I quit counseling.

Because of this thread I'm really taking a long look at what I want. I feel like I do nag too much and if I just learned to ask what I want it will be better. But the other part of me realizes I will be CEO. I've been doing little things such as "before bed I need you to clear and clean the plate you left on the counter" and thanking him warmly when he complies. I sat outside while he gardened and acted like I was helping and brought him drinks and cheered him on as he finished. Now he's sooo proud of the work he's done but dang that's a lot of work from me. But I just don't know if I wanna do that my entire life. I don't know why little tasks like that are sooooo hard for me.

I have in the past overlooked cheating, verbal slurs, and disrespect. But from my guy a simple leaving shoes out or clothes on the floor or not finishing the yard pisses me off.

 

[DarkJoy]

This whole post is a million times true. To answer previous questions

Yes I did feel like I settled. If anyone remembers my old blogs about Mr I Can't Committ and Mr Micheal Jackson Bac....I think the first situation ruined my entire life. It chokes me. Leaving me with guilt grief anxiety impulsive tendencies nightmares and more despite being four years. I ran from that situation to the furthest thing away from an arsehole alpha male. I do sometimes feel like I'm settling. But he's just suuuuuuuch a good person.


We went to premarital counseling. I ended up looking like a crazy ****. I quit eventually because it didn't take us anywhere. Everything he takes over sensitive. And I tend to act like the man. Very harsh with a so what get over it attitude. I decided that I needed alone counseling so I quit counseling.

Because of this thread I'm really taking a long look at what I want. I feel like I do nag too much and if I just learned to ask what I want it will be better. But the other part of me realizes I will be CEO. I've been doing little things such as "before bed I need you to clear and clean the plate you left on the counter" and thanking him warmly when he complies. I sat outside while he gardened and acted like I was helping and brought him drinks and cheered him on as he finished. Now he's sooo proud of the work he's done but dang that's a lot of work from me. But I just don't know if I wanna do that my entire life. I don't know why little tasks like that are sooooo hard for me.

I have in the past overlooked cheating, verbal slurs, and disrespect. But from my guy a simple leaving shoes out or clothes on the floor or not finishing the yard pisses me off.

I only highlighted a few things because I was there for two decades. The black are issues that might benefit from work in individual therapy, which you mention later anyway. The red, well....:

Please, dont be fooled by the term "Beta Male". Betas come with their own issues. They are (generally) higher in cunning and are Masters of Manipulation and Mind Games than most alphas, I think because IME that is what they learned to develop as opposed to what alphas and Type As develop. They CAN be, not all (so no one gets up in arms about THEIR alpha male ). I put in red those things that stand out to me to be typical beta mind games bulls---t: guilt tripping to manipulate to get what they cant do as a personality trait.

That's the darkside of the beta.

The light side are the other things you mentioned upthread. They can be very catering, sweet, gentle in ways that would befuddle an alpha, know the right 'sensitive' things to say and the right time to say it, and always show interest in whats going on in your life.

Cant tell you what to do, just showing my observations as one who's a beta magnet and (generally) prefer betas over the alphas depending on where I'm at that year.

You've got a lot of thinking to do and wishing you the best whatever you decide.

 

[Farida]

This whole post is a million times true. To answer previous questions Yes I did feel like I settled. If anyone remembers my old blogs about Mr I Can't Committ and Mr Micheal Jackson Bac....I think the first situation ruined my entire life. It chokes me. Leaving me with guilt grief anxiety impulsive tendencies nightmares and more despite being four years. I ran from that situation to the furthest thing away from an arsehole alpha male. I do sometimes feel like I'm settling. But he's just suuuuuuuch a good person. We went to premarital counseling. I ended up looking like a crazy ****. I quit eventually because it didn't take us anywhere. Everything he takes over sensitive. And I tend to act like the man. Very harsh with a so what get over it attitude. I decided that I needed alone counseling so I quit counseling. Because of this thread I'm really taking a long look at what I want. I feel like I do nag too much and if I just learned to ask what I want it will be better. But the other part of me realizes I will be CEO. I've been doing little things such as "before bed I need you to clear and clean the plate you left on the counter" and thanking him warmly when he complies. I sat outside while he gardened and acted like I was helping and brought him drinks and cheered him on as he finished. Now he's sooo proud of the work he's done but dang that's a lot of work from me. But I just don't know if I wanna do that my entire life. I don't know why little tasks like that are sooooo hard for me. I have in the past overlooked cheating, verbal slurs, and disrespect. But from my guy a simple leaving shoes out or clothes on the floor or not finishing the yard pisses me off.

There's a pastor who says and I agree, that if you need serious counseling before you are married then you need to think twice. Premarital counseling gives you tools to improve and a chance to consider issues you may not have considered. It it not really a forum for heavy duty repair and reconciliation.