Do i habe cold feet or do i have legitimate concerns

Is he open to you helping him manage his money and improve his credit? Some people just suck at money management and are sometimes open to others providing guidance. He sounds a little immature, but I won't chuck him out just yet.
 
PrissiSippi said:
Honestly Looking back I thought I was ready. I have a good relationship compared to my past nightmares but now I wonder was it all just for show. I could marry him but it would mean that I would suck some things up and have to learn not to blow it in his face. (Like pay bills, clean after him, get my friend guys to do favors and do stuff around the house and etc. )
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Get your guy friends to do stuff around the house??? Naw this man is a passive mess and seems like he is looking for a mother not a wife.
 
I noticed you have been to counseling before and he contributed nothing. Counseling gives you tools to cope, it does NOT FIX CHARACTER!

Church life is important to you but not to him. That will never change. As a Christian I advise against this.

You want a man who takes charge and he has no interest. That will never change.

I don't care that he moved. Was he supposed to live with mom forever? That does not excuse his lack of financial sense. In fact, two incomes, no kids should make your life better than if each of you lived alone.

He is paying $200 a month for your ring when he cannot pay the cable?

He bought a car - a TRUCK - is he a farmer? Or plumber or other position that needs one? His car note alone is half the mortgage. Who buys a car for payments half of the mortgage?

If you were already married I would say stay. You are not. If you marry him in 10 months I guarantee you will regret this.
 
It seems like the same things you like about him you dislike.

Like folks have said, if nothing about him changes...could you live with that? Some of the things you listed are petty, some are just personality, and some are definitely worth major discussions/plans.

I would also say that you should ask yourself what negative things that you contribute to the relationship. We tend to overlook or minimize our shortcomings a focus on the other persons.

All in all I would say hold off on the wedding until you have sorted this out. And that doesn't mean expecting him to change everything about himself, but actually doing some self-reflecting and talking things out with him. Its not fair to him for you to wait to discuss this or to go into the marriage with these issues.

A good way to approach it is to say that you have some concerns and that you would like to talk about them and ask him to bring his concerns about you to the meeting as well...you might be surprised.
 
rabs77 said:
Is he open to you helping him manage his money and improve his credit? Some people just suck at money management and are sometimes open to others providing guidance. He sounds a little immature, but I won't chuck him out just yet.
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I said this in another thread, but my friend is married to a guy who is not a leader, or good with his money lol.

He has his wages paid into her account and she sorts out the bills and gives him pocket money to spend :look: Still, I don't think OP is looking for more leading and responsibility.
 
LivingDoll said:
$50,000 - $13,500 (standard .27% tax rate) = $36,500 $36,500 - $12,000 (car) = $24,500 $24,500 - $4,800 (mortgage) = $19,700 $19,700 - $2,400 (ring) = $17,300 $17,300 - $3600 (adt/cable/water) = $13700 Calculating these bills would leave a person with about $260 a week but that doesn't take into account food, toiletries, hobbies, entertainment, etc. $50,000 isn't as much as most people think when you have a lot of bills. Maybe this is why he's having problems saving. It doesn't seem that he's irresponsible with money, it seems that he's overextended. ETA: These things aren't dealbreakers. They're things that most wives deal with on some level with their's DH's. It sounds like you don't really respect him as a man. If you feel that way, I don't see how you could have a fulfulling marriage.
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But he has bad credit. That tells me he is irresponsible with money. He also made poor choices in spending his money. If he was the only income generator in the home then $50k a yr is hard. However, OP probably helps pay for groceries and other stuff. In your example, a person with an extra over 1000 a month with no kids has no excuse to be behind on bills. Maybe no savings makes sense, but being unable to pay bills?
 
I'm not sure if you should stay or not, but if you do I highly recommend postponing the wedding and getting your butts to relationship/pre-marital counseling. Work these kinks out before you walk down the aisle
 
ditto

all advice here in this thread--are telling OP that she can fix HIS problems...

why is she accountable for HIS issues and fixing them...why go into a marriage with someone tryna fix their problems...?

dude sound like a child not a husband--sloppy...poor money mgtm...sloppy...beta-male...

i personally couldnt do it--i want a husband not a child...i have to train and raise...

dude is obviously living above his means....



Farida said:
But he has bad credit. That tells me he is irresponsible with money. He also made poor choices in spending his money. If he was the only income generator in the home then $50k a yr is hard. However, OP probably helps pay for groceries and other stuff. In your example, a person with an extra over 1000 a month with no kids has no excuse to be behind on bills. Maybe no savings makes sense, but being unable to pay bills?
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I didn't read the entire thing. Just up until you saying that the financial talks never happen. If you cannot talk about finances and come up with some sort of agreement before you get married shouldn't get married right now. Money will destroy a relationship faster than cheating will.

His finances don't have to be perfect, but you two have to be on the same page.
 
yall need to stop letting these serious relationships progress this far with men you are NOT compatible with...
 
Farida said:
I guess I am the only one who thinks you should not marry him.

At least postpone the wedding and see if you can work on these problems or not. When you live together and have a pending wedding you feel trapped and like you have to stay the course. Postponing the wedding will give you time, space and breathing room to see if this is a good decision.

IMO finances are a deal-breaker. He has bad credit and cannot manage money. Financial problems are the number one cause of divorce.

Anything that bothers you now will murder you after marriage. Things tend to get worse rather than better.
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i would say this too but shes been with this man for 3 years and it doesnt sound like he has improved on the issues in question so at this point why not marry him? she got what she bargained for. and honestly i think at the end of the day shes gonna marry him anyway because if she was gonna walk away shed have done it already.

posts like this make me know i will make these kinds of decisions at the 1 year mark. all relationships have little quirks and opposite things but people need to be honest with themselves before things get too far about if the person they are with is bringing what they need to the table. now you all caught out there looking stupid because its three years and youve already made a life together and it hurts too much and its too much work to untangle it. now you might as well get married to someone who is gonna ride you to death and wear your last nerve.

no ma'am.

wont be me.
 
Maybe I missed it, but are you in love with him?
If so........
Would he consider taking Dave Ramsey's Financial freedom courses with you at one of the local churches? You can find one in your area on Dave Ramseys site.
Would you consider moving closer to his job?
I think you both should have some pre marriage counseling. You really need help in getting down to what is truly realistic in a marriage.
 
I told you once before about this guy and your friend on here jumped on me and said yall were meant to be together and then others called me negative, but what I predicted was true after all. I knew it was true because I had been there. So as a repeat of what i posted before, it will NOT get better. It will get much worse. You have to decide how long you want to hang on and how much you're willing to do all by yourself.
 
I totally agree with Farida. His financial irresponsibility sounds like a dealbreaker to me. Before I got married, I would always hear people say that more people get divorced over financial disputes than infidelity and never believed it. Now being married going on six years, I totally understand it. You're just going to have to trust me when I say that if you two are not on the same page financially then you should NOT go through with this marriage. From what you described, I don't see how this will work. There are a lot of couples where one spouse is responsible and the other is a spender, but in the relationships that work, the spender usually recognizes his/her problem with money and lets the responsible spouse take over. Your fh doesn't seem to be willing to do that and he has some serious issues with money management. I'm not sure his issues are going to be fixed with a money management course or something. They seem deeper than that.

The finances was bad enough, but then your list of complaints went on and on. You sound miserable and you are still 10 months away from being married! Seriously, this should be the part of marriage where you're looking at everything through rose colored glasses. From the outside looking in, it seems if you really loved this guy you wouldn't have a laundry list of things you can't stand about him already. It's love that gets you through when marriage gets routine and tedious.

Good luck to you whatever you decide. I know it's not easier.
 
Except for the finances, none of those seem like dealbreakers in comparison for all the things he's doing right. I always hear people say, the things you fight about before the wedding, will be the same things you fight about after the wedding. There's things about him that you will need to accept.
 
I have learned that you cannot change people, you have to accept who they are or move on. What stood out to me is finances and you don't want to be a leader. I think it's important to live within your means and to be financially responsible. 10 months will be here before you know it and unless your fiancé see that he need to get it together in those aspects, things will not change. You can definitely voice your concerns but from past threads I think you already have and things are still the same.

Wait, be positive, keep believing, and all will surely be yours. Sent from my iPhone using LHCF
 
Honestly, I feel like you had some bad experiences with certain types of men. Went for the next nice man that seemed sincere even though not that compatible in personality. I may be wrong.

It's hard tho. I've built this little life. The dog. The house. The couple together three years.
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Seems like your more in love with the idea of this marriage/home than being with him specifically. 50 years is a long time :look: Think carefully.
 
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OP I know it's tough because you really love him. He is probably a good person. There's nothing wrong with that. You do know at this point that the love is not enough to make up for all of that. The tough thing about your relationship is apart from loving him at this point you have intertwined your lives so much that what would be a break up or a break will have an almost similar fallout to a divorce. The only difference being neither one of you has some of the rights and responsibilities of legal marriage.

I recommend finding an older married couple from your church and going to talk to them alone. Be 100% honest with them and ask them what they think. This is your life.
 
Red flags. As a married woman trust me these things will burden you more. Dont start off a marriage like this. You already know the answer.
 
There are so many red flags. It's not like he's an axe murderer, but finances can break a marriage. Call it off until things change or you see they won't ever change.
 
faithVA said:
If he stays the way he is and you add two children on top of that, if you can see yourself making it work and be happy 5 or 10 years down the road then you can move forward. But otherwise I think you need to put the marriage plans on pause.

What you listed would be a deal breaker for me because it sounds like caring for a child versus having a partner. We each are willing to handle different things. You have to decide for yourself whether you are willing to live with him as he is. Listen to your own instincts. You do know what to do.
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Those are deal breakers. You better think really hard, because those things won't change and will get worse if you decide to have children.
 
Could you deal with those things being like they are forever? You can't count on him maturing or changing. It may never happen.
 
fula97 said:
The lack of accountability with finances and late payments would be a deal breaker for me. If it's a matter of forgetting then put all bills on autopilot. More concerning is his refusal to discuss and address his issues with his finances.

Then he is a slob, unkempt, and sounds lazy unless you prod him to do more.

Should you leave, if it were me yes. However, what do you get out of this relationship? Are there any redeeming qualities? If you are not enhancing my life and making me stressful, resentful and embarrassed would that be someone I would want to spend the rest of my life with.
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^^:yep: The bolded.
Could not have said it better myself. OP, I am currently in the middle of a divorce, married 19 years, together 22 in all. The things that bothered me BEFORE we were married, did not go away after we were married and in fact, got worse. Most of the complaints you have, were the same ones I had. If there is anything I have learned, it is this: when a person shows you who they are, believe them. The premarital behaviors that are a problem, do not go away just because you say "I do".
Good luck!
 
I agree with what most have said. Sounds like he's a Beta man and you want one who's more of an Alpha.

I have a close friend who married a man with many of the qualities you've mentioned. Twice she decided to just turn it over and force him to be the leader of the family and the finances by not engaging in any of that and also not asking too many questions and just letting him be responsible ...First time they went from surplus to tens of thousands of dollar in debt within a year. Second time something like $10,000 was gone and he had no plausible explanation (at least not one she felt like sharing with me).

They're still married but she has just had to accept he's never going to be the leader or as financially responsible as her or all the other traits she wish he had.

Either you'll need to just accept who he is strengths, flaws and all or end it because they will just drive you crazy as most likely those traits will just get more prominent over time.
 
i agree with the general consensus of this thread.

for me personally there are some things i could tolerate and just work to better him. i.e., the fixing/cleaning and the personal grooming/style/etc. that can be worked on.

but other things......like the financial trouble is worrisome to me. i think this really needs to be ironed out and fixed prior to any marriage. also, what would drive me nuts PERSONALLY is him not taking charge. i like men who can take charge of a situation and just instinctively do so much of the time. so him relying on you to tell other's it's his parking spot or for you to defend yourself against creepy guys, etc. would be a dealbreaker for me. but again, i agree with what everyone else has said. if you can see yourself 15-20 years from now putting up with everything you discussed in the OP....then good for you guys! but if not, i really think you need to tackle these issues beforehand. :yep:
 
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