divorced or unhappily married ladies...

[Caramela]

I will be getting married in less than 2 weeks and I am so madly in love with my fiance. I feel like he's my best friend. We get along great, we connect on every level (mental, physical, spiritual, emotional) and we continue to grow together. I just know that this is the man I'm supposed to spend my life with
However, I'm not dumb and I believe that everyone must atleast believe they are getting married to stay married. But I want to ask, did you feel what I'm feeling? If so, what went wrong? If not, what were your reasons for getting married?
I'm very curious.

 

[rabs77]

I will be getting married in less than 2 weeks and I am so madly in love with my fiance. I feel like he's my best friend. We get along great, we connect on every level (mental, physical, spiritual, emotional) and we continue to grow together. I just know that this is the man I'm supposed to spend my life with
However, I'm not dumb and I believe that everyone must atleast believe they are getting married to stay married. But I want to ask, did you feel what I'm feeling? If so, what went wrong? If not, what were your reasons for getting married?
I'm very curious.

Great question, Caramela! I have never been married and currently in a relationship with someone I feel very strongly about I always wonder about the above too.

 

[Southernbella.]

Well, I'm happily married now, but went through a VERY unhappy period. And yes, I felt exactly like you do now in the beginning.

I think what you have to remember is that you will be unhappy at some point. That's just how marriage is. If you go into your marriage knowing this, it will be easier to handle. I had no idea that there would be times I would want to leave, but there were. I have perspective now, and as I look around me, I realize that everyone I know who is married has gone through something, and most of them came out okay.

 

[p31woman]

Bumping for responses...i wanna know too!

 

[candiel]

Congratulations Caramela!

I remember feeling like you do when I first got married also. The whole first year of marriage was so wonderful! But, I too went through a time where I was sooo miserable and contemplated leaving. For me, there were things that I knew about and noticed while we were dating that I didn't pay much attention too. I had this idea that being married would somehow make all of those things disappear. And they seemed to at first, but I'm realizing now that they only resurfaced because I never dealt with it.

Just know that you won't always feel like you're on cloud 9 all the time but, that's just how it is sometimes.

 

[klb120475]

I will be getting married in less than 2 weeks and I am so madly in love with my fiance. I feel like he's my best friend. We get along great, we connect on every level (mental, physical, spiritual, emotional) and we continue to grow together. I just know that this is the man I'm supposed to spend my life with
However, I'm not dumb and I believe that everyone must atleast believe they are getting married to stay married. But I want to ask, did you feel what I'm feeling? If so, what went wrong? If not, what were your reasons for getting married?
I'm very curious.

I'm divorced. No, sweetie...I didn't feel what you're feeling. I actually look forward to experiencing the type of love you and your fiance have for eachother.

My reasons for marrying my ex? Well, I was a babe in Christ at the time.I hadn't yet to experience the love God has for me. I was looking for love in all the wrong places. I had yet to deal with issues from my child hood (molested by my step father). I was hurt, bitter, angry, extremely depressed...I didn't know joy existed.

But, now that I've been healed spiritually and emotionally....I look forward to falling in love with "Boo" one day.

 

[MissScarlett]

Yep, I felt that way when I got married. Congrats!!!

There was also a time when I didn't feel that way, you have to recognize that and know those rough times will come. Obviously marriage isn't always going to be 'good times', that's how you either 'make it' or stick it out. Dh and I have been married 8 years and yes there were BAD times when I was resentful, angry, hurt and didn't think I was in love.

 

[Caramela]

I mean, I know that there will inevitably be rough times, that's human. But I'm wondering those people that have divorced or are unhappy was there something that was missing initially and if not... what went wrong? How do you go from madlly in love and wanting to spend your life with someone to being divorced or unhappy?
And if there was something missing... why did you decide to still go ahead and get married.
I hope I'm making sense... LOL. The question makes sense in my head but I don't know if I'm communicating it correctly.

 

[Country gal]

Great thread. Good question. I want to be madly in love. I have yet to feel that way.

 

[dlewis]

I agree with the other ladies.

klb120475, I'm sending you a big fat juicy hug. Love ya sweetie.

 

[Southernbella.]

I mean, I know that there will inevitably be rough times, that's human. But I'm wondering those people that have divorced or are unhappy was there something that was missing initially and if not... what went wrong? How do you go from madlly in love and wanting to spend your life with someone to being divorced or unhappy?
And if there was something missing... why did you decide to still go ahead and get married.
I hope I'm making sense... LOL. The question makes sense in my head but I don't know if I'm communicating it correctly.

Honestly, I'm wondering why you're asking. Don't take this the wrong way, but are you feeling something is wrong? I know you say you are just asking, but these kinds of questions don't usually just come out of nowhere, KWIM?

Looking back, yes, there were some things that I overlooked, and I know there were some things my dh overlooked about me. I think anytime you're madly in love, there is the potential to miss some things.

I think the one lesson we both learned is that no matter how small it may seem, whatever it is will come back up at some point, but it will be a bigger deal because you will be married and with that person for the rest of your life.

 

[dlewis]

I would focus on those negative things. This should be such a happy time right now.

 

[Caramela]

Honestly, I'm wondering why you're asking. Don't take this the wrong way, but are you feeling something is wrong? I know you say you are just asking, but these kinds of questions don't usually just come out of nowhere, KWIM?

Looking back, yes, there were some things that I overlooked, and I know there were some things my dh overlooked about me. I think anytime you're madly in love, there is the potential to miss some things.

I think the one lesson we both learned is that no matter how small it may seem, whatever it is will come back up at some point, but it will be a bigger deal because you will be married and with that person for the rest of your life.

No, I'm not asking because I'm having doubts. Not at all. I'm very stable in my decision. The reason I ask is because lately there have been a rash of divorce threads, not to mention the statistics showing the divorce rates. The reason this is a question is because going into a union, I believe there's no way my husband and I will get a divorce, things are that "right" between us. But I'm sure EVERYONE that gets married (let's hope) thinks that their relationship is special and a divorce could not happen to them. I think it's about mentality sometimes... and the willingness to work out your problems rather than get a divorce... but how does a person go from feeling great to feeling like they don't want to be joined to their spouse anymore? I just want to know. You can relax, it's not because I'm having any doubts.

 

[deltagyrl]

I mean, I know that there will inevitably be rough times, that's human. But I'm wondering those people that have divorced or are unhappy was there something that was missing initially and if not... what went wrong? How do you go from madlly in love and wanting to spend your life with someone to being divorced or unhappy?
And if there was something missing... why did you decide to still go ahead and get married.
I hope I'm making sense... LOL. The question makes sense in my head but I don't know if I'm communicating it correctly.

There is no one size fits all answer. Just know that committing to the person that you like is easy. Committing to the part of the person that you don't like, is haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaard.

Slightly off topic. One of the best lines in 'Love Jones' is when Isaiah Washington says to Larenz Tate that falling in love ain't ish. He wanted somone to tell him how he was supposed to stay there.

Surround yourself with other committed married couples who will encourage and support your marriage.

May God bless you both!

 

[Bublnbrnsuga]

Feelings and emotions can fade and grow. If you are marrying someone primarily based on how you feel, then you will be disappointed when you don't have those same feelings like you used to or that you think you should have. Emotions are really interesting, I tell ya. This is a reason many do divorce... those feelings faded and when you have to try to get them back, maybe it seems so unnatural to work at 'feeling' in love again.

 

[Caramela]

Feelings and emotions can fade and grow. If you are marrying someone primarily based on how you feel, then you will be disappointed when you don't have those same feelings like you used to or that you think you should have. Emotions are really interesting, I tell ya. This is a reason many do divorce... those feelings faded and when you have to try to get them back, maybe it seems so unnatural to work at 'feeling' in love again.

Interesting thought!

 

[Caramela]

The short answer is that it takes 2 to make it work. You may or may not be in concert with your spouse and that is EXTREMELY frustrating.

So many layers are 'peeled back' during a marriage that sometimes you might just wonder who you're married to.

Those (in my circle) who've divorced did so for different reasons. One admitted that she just didn't want to do the work to stay married. One left after several infidelities. I know those who've been left.

I also know couples (myself included) who've gone through extremely rough periods but decided to stick it out no matter what. We all managed to keep our families intact but, trust, it was not easy.

There is no one size fits all answer. Just know that committing to the person that you like is easy. Committing to the part of the person that you don't like, is haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaard.

Slightly off topic. One of the best lines in 'Love Jones' is when Isaiah Washington says to Larenz Tate that falling in love ain't ish. He wanted somone to tell him how he was supposed to stay there.

May God bless your marriage. Surround yourself with other committed married couples who will encourage and support your marriage.

Good points! Ok
And thanks for the words of encouragement.

 

[Bublnbrnsuga]

There is no one size fits all answer. Just know that committing to the person that you like is easy. Committing to the part of the person that you don't like, is haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaard.

Slightly off topic. One of the best lines in 'Love Jones' is when Isaiah Washington says to Larenz Tate that falling in love ain't ish. He wanted somone to tell him how he was supposed to stay there.

Surround yourself with other committed married couples who will encourage and support your marriage.

May God bless you both!

Wow, I may have to look at Love Jones again. If this ain't the sho nuff truth...

 

[Southernbella.]

No, I'm not asking because I'm having doubts. Not at all. I'm very stable in my decision. The reason I ask is because lately there have been a rash of divorce threads, not to mention the statistics showing the divorce rates. The reason this is a question is because going into a union, I believe there's no way my husband and I will get a divorce, things are that "right" between us. But I'm sure EVERYONE that gets married (let's hope) thinks that their relationship is special and a divorce could not happen to them. I think it's about mentality sometimes... and the willingness to work out your problems rather than get a divorce... but how does a person go from feeling great to feeling like they don't want to be joined to their spouse anymore? I just want to know. You can relax, it's not because I'm having any doubts.

OK, cool.

 

[blazingthru]

I will be getting married in less than 2 weeks and I am so madly in love with my fiance. I feel like he's my best friend. We get along great, we connect on every level (mental, physical, spiritual, emotional) and we continue to grow together. I just know that this is the man I'm supposed to spend my life with
However, I'm not dumb and I believe that everyone must atleast believe they are getting married to stay married. But I want to ask, did you feel what I'm feeling? If so, what went wrong? If not, what were your reasons for getting married?
I'm very curious.

Just because you feel those things doesn't make it the right person for you (not talking about you) I was head over heels in love with my husband I dreamed of him when he wasn't there and I just wanted to be so close to him I wanted to climb insided his body. Weird I know but that is how close i wanted to be to him. We had an incredible passion for each other - i think that was the strong part of our relationship, we were so compatiable then certian things about me he began to hate. He hates that I like pop music its just something I like he knew it always-- but it really bothered him or the other things that I like that were not "black" to him. that became a problem pretty soon everything about me became a problem I started gaining weight. Then he disliked me so much he wanted to hit me, attack me for no reason at all. He controlled everything. Everything even what we had for dinner or watched on TV. Or if we got to go out. I was so happy when we got to go out because I could never do it before I didn't make much money and he lorded it over me. Simple things were hard for me. I didn't drive and I didn't have much money. Everything changed when I got my job and credit cards and a new attitidude but my marriage was really over then. I learned to drive and brought me a car he hated me even more and I did the shopping and I put my foot down and I tried to kill him when he was just poking me. He never hit me after that. In fact he ignored me all together He did that for 5 years until he left. i think it can always start out really good but until you have your first fight (before you get married) and your first disagreement you can get a glimpse of your future with this person. We never ever faught about any thing. He was super wonderful. there was something there couldnt' put my finger on it. Found out to late he wasn't the one for me but my heart just would never let go, always had hope and kept on wishing that the person I met would come back and it could be like that again. It was a child that said that person was not the real person. the person you know now is the real person, has always been the real person and you just could never see it. So thats why we are not together, but trust me I wanted this to work for many years and through a lot of pain. Until I realize I deserve better.

 

[Finesse]

I felt ga ga about my hubby too when we first got married. Buuuuttttt, I know that I ignored some of the signs of trouble I saw before we even walked down the isle. I loved him then, and I love him now. But, there will be times when you will ask yourself "Why in the hell did I marry this fool?" That will be when you have to think of more than the fact that you like the way they smile, the way they put it on you, or that you like the same food etc. Things just change over time. I think that a lot people don't want to work thru the changes and instead of working they just give up.

 

[Caramela]

Just because you feel those things doesn't make it the right person for you (not talking about you) I was head over heels in love with my husband I dreamed of him when he wasn't there and I just wanted to be so close to him I wanted to climb insided his body. Weird I know but that is how close i wanted to be to him. We had an incredible passion for each other - i think that was the strong part of our relationship, we were so compatiable then certian things about me he began to hate. He hates that I like pop music its just something I like he knew it always-- but it really bothered him or the other things that I like that were not "black" to him. that became a problem pretty soon everything about me became a problem I started gaining weight. Then he disliked me so much he wanted to hit me, attack me for no reason at all. He controlled everything. Everything even what we had for dinner or watched on TV. Or if we got to go out. I was so happy when we got to go out because I could never do it before I didn't make much money and he lorded it over me. Simple things were hard for me. I didn't drive and I didn't have much money. Everything changed when I got my job and credit cards and a new attitidude but my marriage was really over then. I learned to drive and brought me a car he hated me even more and I did the shopping and I put my foot down and I tried to kill him when he was just poking me. He never hit me after that. In fact he ignored me all together He did that for 5 years until he left. i think it can always start out really good but until you have your first fight (before you get married) and your first disagreement you can get a glimpse of your future with this person. We never ever faught about any thing. He was super wonderful. there was something there couldnt' put my finger on it. Found out to late he wasn't the one for me but my heart just would never let go, always had hope and kept on wishing that the person I met would come back and it could be like that again. It was a child that said that person was not the real person. the person you know now is the real person, has always been the real person and you just could never see it. So thats why we are not together, but trust me I wanted this to work for many years and through a lot of pain. Until I realize I deserve better.

Thanks for sharing your story. I am sorry things did not work out. But I am happy your regained a love for you

 

[HoneyDew]

I did not feel that way. I had doubts, but I felt pressured. I was young, though. Not as secure in my emotions.

I think you get to an age where you know that what you are doing is right. You also get to a point in your life that you realize that relationships take work and things are not just going to go the way you want.

I do feel what you are feeling now for my current SO, but again, I am mature now. I also have the person that is right for me - my best friend and companion for life.

 

[klb120475]

I agree with the other ladies.

klb120475, I'm sending you a big fat juicy hug. Love ya sweetie.

Thank you D. I luv u too..

 

[sunnydaze]

No, I'm not asking because I'm having doubts. Not at all. I'm very stable in my decision. The reason I ask is because lately there have been a rash of divorce threads, not to mention the statistics showing the divorce rates. The reason this is a question is because going into a union, I believe there's no way my husband and I will get a divorce, things are that "right" between us. But I'm sure EVERYONE that gets married (let's hope) thinks that their relationship is special and a divorce could not happen to them. I think it's about mentality sometimes... and the willingness to work out your problems rather than get a divorce... but how does a person go from feeling great to feeling like they don't want to be joined to their spouse anymore? I just want to know. You can relax, it's not because I'm having any doubts.

Hi Caramela,

First off, I believe in the union of marriage. I think its a beautiful thing. I also like many others here who either are divorced or are going through a divorce never planned on that happening at all. If you read many of our posts, you will see that for most of us it was a matter of safety and sanity, not just getting tired of one another and calling it quits.

OT: Congrats on your upcoming marriage. I read about your proposal and thought it as so sweet!

 

[MochaSilk]

...We never ever faught about any thing. He was super wonderful. there was something there couldnt' put my finger on it. Found out to late he wasn't the one for me but my heart just would never let go, always had hope and kept on wishing that the person I met would come back and it could be like that again. It was a child that said that person was not the real person. the person you know now is the real person, has always been the real person and you just could never see it. So thats why we are not together, but trust me I wanted this to work for many years and through a lot of pain. Until I realize I deserve better.

RE: The first bolded part, my mom and grandma told me to let my hubby see my temper before we got married. They said, "This way, you'll see how he handles conflict with you. If he's mean and goes for the jugular because you disagree with him, don't marry him, he'll get meaner. If he cries because you told him the truth, don't marry him, he's a baby. If he listens and wants to resolve things, he's a keeper."

Shortly thereafter, I heard Wayne Dyer equating an orange with what's inside a person. I forgot the direct quote, but its meaning is if what's on the outside (orange) matches what's on the inside when squeezed (orange juice), you're on the right path. I've met "oranges" that, when squeezed, produce onion juice.

There were a few times he woke up the beast. I'm not mean (anymore ) but I do have a temper. We had a couple issues before we married. They were resolved in a respectful, kind and adult-like manner. I'm glad my matriarchs gave me that advice, otherwise I would've been tempted to hold back and not let him know everything I was feeling with those issues.

@ the second bolded part, Out of the Mouths of Babes is all I can say. Trudy, I'm so glad you got out of that marriage and found strength along the way.

Caramela, I totally understand why you're asking. This is my second marriage, and I didn't want to end up a 2x divorcee. One thing I feel from you is that you have the love I didn't have the first time around. I do this second time - it does make a difference. We treat our love as a growing child... we don't abuse it, we don't neglect it, we feed it, keep it happy, respect it, etc.

Our still-growing love remained first and foremost when we hit a rough patch within our household (finances, car trouble, in-law dramas, etc). That rough patch was not an excuse throw our love under a bus and forget that we're our own family now and you don't do your family wrong. That element was COMPLETELY MISSING from my first marriage.

 

[sunnydaze]

Shortly thereafter, I heard Wayne Dyer equating an orange with what's inside a person. I forgot the direct quote, but its meaning is if what's on the outside (orange) matches what's on the inside when squeezed (orange juice), you're on the right path. I've met "oranges" that, when squeezed, produce onion juice.

Girl that is DEAD ON!

 

[MissScarlett]

There is no one size fits all answer. Just know that committing to the person that you like is easy. Committing to the part of the person that you don't like, is haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaard.

Slightly off topic. One of the best lines in 'Love Jones' is when Isaiah Washington says to Larenz Tate that falling in love ain't ish. He wanted somone to tell him how he was supposed to stay there.

Surround yourself with other committed married couples who will encourage and support your marriage.

May God bless you both!

That's the truth right there!

I also think knowing HOW to be married is a part of marriage too. My dh and I spent like 4 years trying to figure out how to be married.

I remember the days of thinking "ok this is not for me" its funny b/c I can't imagine feeling that way again but I know it will come, its marriage and when it does at least I'm prepared for it.

 

[Integrity]

Just because you feel those things doesn't make it the right person for you (not talking about you) I was head over heels in love with my husband I dreamed of him when he wasn't there and I just wanted to be so close to him I wanted to climb insided his body. Weird I know but that is how close i wanted to be to him. We had an incredible passion for each other - i think that was the strong part of our relationship, we were so compatiable then certian things about me he began to hate. He hates that I like pop music its just something I like he knew it always-- but it really bothered him or the other things that I like that were not "black" to him. that became a problem pretty soon everything about me became a problem I started gaining weight. Then he disliked me so much he wanted to hit me, attack me for no reason at all. He controlled everything. Everything even what we had for dinner or watched on TV. Or if we got to go out. I was so happy when we got to go out because I could never do it before I didn't make much money and he lorded it over me. Simple things were hard for me. I didn't drive and I didn't have much money. Everything changed when I got my job and credit cards and a new attitidude but my marriage was really over then. I learned to drive and brought me a car he hated me even more and I did the shopping and I put my foot down and I tried to kill him when he was just poking me. He never hit me after that. In fact he ignored me all together He did that for 5 years until he left. i think it can always start out really good but until you have your first fight (before you get married) and your first disagreement you can get a glimpse of your future with this person. We never ever faught about any thing. He was super wonderful. there was something there couldnt' put my finger on it. Found out to late he wasn't the one for me but my heart just would never let go, always had hope and kept on wishing that the person I met would come back and it could be like that again. It was a child that said that person was not the real person. the person you know now is the real person, has always been the real person and you just could never see it. So thats why we are not together, but trust me I wanted this to work for many years and through a lot of pain. Until I realize I deserve better.

wow. thanks for sharing. i am learning a lot from you ladies.
Trudy, you have been through so much. Bless you.
Q; do you think he has always been abusive but managed to hide it? Or looking back were those signs always there?

 

[Evolving78]

As a newlywed, I'm learning that marriage is what you make it. If you don't want it to work then it won't. You have to understand that people are going to do what they want to do and that is something that you can never change. All you can do is change yourself. You can't look at marriage from the aspect of what are you going to get from it. You have to look at from what can I bring to the table. In every decision you make, it has to include that person's feelings. You can't just make moves on your own. Times will get hard and you have to be willing to fight for your marriage. Sometimes it can be a fight for a long time, but bad times don't last always. You have to have a strong spiritual base in your marriage. There are going to be times when you won't know where to turn and you are just going to have to fall on your knees and be still and let your spiritual guide lead the way. You guys need to learn to pray together. You will need to learn to allow your husband to be the man. (not saying you don't) He might not always make the best decisions, but that is where your support comes in. Don't be a nag. If things don't get done how you want it then so be it. Remember that you are not his mother. You can't make him do anything. What you can do is talk to him and let him know how you feel about certain things. Hopefully if you come at him the right way, he will listen and take your feelings into consideration. If he has that attitude of I want to make my wife happy or helping her will be the good of our family then you guys will be alright. You have to have that same attitude too. Don't share all of your business with your family and friends. If you are having problems and need someone to talk to, go to your pastor, conselor, God and pray about then let God do his job. Don't try to fix or manipulate things to how you think it should be, because you might not be right all of the time. If things get out of hand don't go over your friends or family's house. Go to the show, take a walk or a drive. Don't stay mad too long. Get out what you need to get out and move on. Don't go to bed angry. (Big one!) Don't be in the bed with you Dh and don't touch each other. I'm just going on and on. These ladies have given you a lot of good advice. Oh one more thing get your money situation established like now if you haven't done so. Because that could cause major problems later on. Good luck and Congrats!