Divorce - how do you know when it's time?
- Thread starter kisz4tj
- Start date
JFemme
Well-Known Member
Re: Divorce - how do you know when it\'s time?
[ QUOTE ]
dr. phil says: "you know it's time when you've exhausted every possible measure in order to keep your marriage"
[/ QUOTE ]
I agree ! I'm currently preparing for a divorce. As solid as I am in this choice I have days when I ask myself deeply is this the right time etc..
For me the answers that bring me peace are : This union drains me more than sustains me. Secondly , is a quote from the Power of Now , that states " if you want more time then you can have it , but you will also have more pain. These two statements keep me focused on my future and not the regrets , sorrows of failed attempts to sustain my marriage.
Also , I feel so grateful that I grown as a result of the marriage and alls it joys and sorrows, and that I have forgiven us both for anguish we have caused. That alone is freedom to proceed into what life holds next..
Blessings !
JFemme
[ QUOTE ]
dr. phil says: "you know it's time when you've exhausted every possible measure in order to keep your marriage"
[/ QUOTE ]
I agree ! I'm currently preparing for a divorce. As solid as I am in this choice I have days when I ask myself deeply is this the right time etc..
For me the answers that bring me peace are : This union drains me more than sustains me. Secondly , is a quote from the Power of Now , that states " if you want more time then you can have it , but you will also have more pain. These two statements keep me focused on my future and not the regrets , sorrows of failed attempts to sustain my marriage.
Also , I feel so grateful that I grown as a result of the marriage and alls it joys and sorrows, and that I have forgiven us both for anguish we have caused. That alone is freedom to proceed into what life holds next..
Blessings !
JFemme
Re: Divorce - how do you know when it\'s time?
I think that each individual case is different, but I can tell you that in my case, I knew it was time because I was not happy in my marriage, and it got to the point where I could not see myself spending the rest of my life feeling the way I was feeling.
When I made my decision, I felt that I was ABSOLUTELY sure that what I was doing was the right decision for everyone involved.
And I have had no regrets.
I think that each individual case is different, but I can tell you that in my case, I knew it was time because I was not happy in my marriage, and it got to the point where I could not see myself spending the rest of my life feeling the way I was feeling.
When I made my decision, I felt that I was ABSOLUTELY sure that what I was doing was the right decision for everyone involved.
Re: Divorce - how do you know when it\'s time?
Hello!
If you're asking "When" maybe it's not time...because when it's time, you'd know because you wouldn't be on the computer, but you'd be packing your bags.
Anyway, I know somebody who's been divorced 3 times. My advice to you would be to give your marriage everything you've got. If you two are majorly getting on each other's nerves, then take some time out, spend some time apart for a while---don't make any quick decisions---don't get a boyfriend. When you first met your husband, there was something that drew you to him---think about that, and see if you can rekindle it. Go to a movie together--you won't even have to talk. Go to dinner together. Try "dating" each other and see where that leads. Take things slow and don't make any quick decisions.
I've noticed that most people who get a divorce don't stay single--they remarry and get divorced again. The chance of getting a divorce with the first marriage is 50%. With the second marriage, I think the % goes up to 75% and so on. Yes, your spouse could be the cause of the problems in the marriage, but I think it's important for you to also evaluate yourself---counseling may help you do this. I think marriage counseling is a must for a couple that's thinking about calling it quits. Who knows? The marriage could be saved, and you might rediscover your best friend and companion. Good luck.
Hello!
If you're asking "When" maybe it's not time...because when it's time, you'd know because you wouldn't be on the computer, but you'd be packing your bags.
Anyway, I know somebody who's been divorced 3 times. My advice to you would be to give your marriage everything you've got. If you two are majorly getting on each other's nerves, then take some time out, spend some time apart for a while---don't make any quick decisions---don't get a boyfriend. When you first met your husband, there was something that drew you to him---think about that, and see if you can rekindle it. Go to a movie together--you won't even have to talk. Go to dinner together. Try "dating" each other and see where that leads. Take things slow and don't make any quick decisions.
I've noticed that most people who get a divorce don't stay single--they remarry and get divorced again. The chance of getting a divorce with the first marriage is 50%. With the second marriage, I think the % goes up to 75% and so on. Yes, your spouse could be the cause of the problems in the marriage, but I think it's important for you to also evaluate yourself---counseling may help you do this. I think marriage counseling is a must for a couple that's thinking about calling it quits. Who knows? The marriage could be saved, and you might rediscover your best friend and companion. Good luck.
kisz4tj
New Member
Re: Divorce - how do you know when it\'s time?
[ QUOTE ]
Hello!
If you're asking "When" maybe it's not time...because when it's time, you'd know because you wouldn't be on the computer, but you'd be packing your bags.
[/ QUOTE ] gotcha
[ QUOTE ]
don't get a boyfriend.
[/ QUOTE ] were u reading my mind??? between me and you there's a guy at my job and I've been fantasizing all week about how smart he is, how much he earns $$$,$$$, how perfect it would be to start all over with someone new.... I really appreciate your insight;sometimes when you're in the middle of it you can't see straight.
Thank you all for your replies.
[ QUOTE ]
Hello!
If you're asking "When" maybe it's not time...because when it's time, you'd know because you wouldn't be on the computer, but you'd be packing your bags.
[/ QUOTE ] gotcha
[ QUOTE ]
don't get a boyfriend.
[/ QUOTE ] were u reading my mind??? between me and you there's a guy at my job and I've been fantasizing all week about how smart he is, how much he earns $$$,$$$, how perfect it would be to start all over with someone new.... I really appreciate your insight;sometimes when you're in the middle of it you can't see straight.
Thank you all for your replies.
Re: Divorce - how do you know when it\'s time?
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Hello!
If you're asking "When" maybe it's not time...because when it's time, you'd know because you wouldn't be on the computer, but you'd be packing your bags.
[/ QUOTE ] gotcha
[ QUOTE ]
don't get a boyfriend.
[/ QUOTE ] were u reading my mind??? between me and you there's a guy at my job and I've been fantasizing all week about how smart he is, how much he earns $$$,$$$, how perfect it would be to start all over with someone new.... I really appreciate your insight;sometimes when you're in the middle of it you can't see straight.
Thank you all for your replies.
[/ QUOTE ]
Stop fantasizing. It only makes things worse. When you get too focused on someone else, then you can't focus on your marriage. When someone else is in the picture, you're more likely to run away with the new guy, instead of giving the old guy a chance. As for the guy at work, after you get to REALLY know him (in terms of years....2,3,4,5,etc years), he might not sound so smart--you might be ready to tell him to shut up. As for him making good money, in these trying times, he could lose his job. And then what?
When the waters are stormy a lot of men begin to look good to you, but you have to know, that when the newness wears off, they might end up looking and being just like your dear old hubby. Okay, once again, good luck. Oh! Just to prove my point,as for the lady I was telling you about who's been married and divorced 3 times, she's on number 4 now, and between you and me (and all the ladies on the board), he's not too much better than the last husband---new man, same old situation
, but she doesn't see it because she's caught up in the newness.
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Hello!
If you're asking "When" maybe it's not time...because when it's time, you'd know because you wouldn't be on the computer, but you'd be packing your bags.
[/ QUOTE ] gotcha
[ QUOTE ]
don't get a boyfriend.
[/ QUOTE ] were u reading my mind??? between me and you there's a guy at my job and I've been fantasizing all week about how smart he is, how much he earns $$$,$$$, how perfect it would be to start all over with someone new.... I really appreciate your insight;sometimes when you're in the middle of it you can't see straight.
Thank you all for your replies.
[/ QUOTE ]
Stop fantasizing. It only makes things worse. When you get too focused on someone else, then you can't focus on your marriage. When someone else is in the picture, you're more likely to run away with the new guy, instead of giving the old guy a chance. As for the guy at work, after you get to REALLY know him (in terms of years....2,3,4,5,etc years), he might not sound so smart--you might be ready to tell him to shut up. As for him making good money, in these trying times, he could lose his job. And then what?
ART11
New Member
Re: Divorce - how do you know when it\'s time?
Sometimes you just need to find another focus - get a new hobby or something else to be passionate about - try learning to sew - anything that will make you happy. Grit your teeth for a little while. If you made a good decision and the love is there, it will come back. You need to pass some time in marriages that are not pleasant. Sometimes you may find that you are living solely for your kids and then all of a sudden one day - POOF! You realize that your one true love has been there all along right beside you. Everyday of the same person gets kind of boring after awhile but you made that vow to stay together so give it all you've got. I am once divorced and quite happily remarried but that divorce was extremely difficult and remains painful for all parties involved - especially the kids. I would not consider it again unless the circumstances were extreme.
Sometimes you just need to find another focus - get a new hobby or something else to be passionate about - try learning to sew - anything that will make you happy. Grit your teeth for a little while. If you made a good decision and the love is there, it will come back. You need to pass some time in marriages that are not pleasant. Sometimes you may find that you are living solely for your kids and then all of a sudden one day - POOF! You realize that your one true love has been there all along right beside you. Everyday of the same person gets kind of boring after awhile but you made that vow to stay together so give it all you've got. I am once divorced and quite happily remarried but that divorce was extremely difficult and remains painful for all parties involved - especially the kids. I would not consider it again unless the circumstances were extreme.
G
Guest
Guest
Re: Divorce - how do you know when it\'s time?
[ QUOTE ]
I agree ! I'm currently preparing for a divorce. As solid as I am in this choice I have days when I ask myself deeply is this the right time etc..
For me the answers that bring me peace are : This union drains me more than sustains me. Secondly , is a quote from the Power of Now , that states " if you want more time then you can have it , but you will also have more pain. These two statements keep me focused on my future and not the regrets , sorrows of failed attempts to sustain my marriage.
[/ QUOTE ]
Wow JFemme. Those are two very powerful statements ot live by. Thanks for posting it. I've never been married, but I wish you ladies nothing but the very best. Thank you all for sharing
[ QUOTE ]
I agree ! I'm currently preparing for a divorce. As solid as I am in this choice I have days when I ask myself deeply is this the right time etc..
For me the answers that bring me peace are : This union drains me more than sustains me. Secondly , is a quote from the Power of Now , that states " if you want more time then you can have it , but you will also have more pain. These two statements keep me focused on my future and not the regrets , sorrows of failed attempts to sustain my marriage.
[/ QUOTE ]
Wow JFemme. Those are two very powerful statements ot live by. Thanks for posting it. I've never been married, but I wish you ladies nothing but the very best. Thank you all for sharing
kisz4tj
New Member
Re: Divorce - how do you know when it\'s time?
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Hello!
If you're asking "When" maybe it's not time...because when it's time, you'd know because you wouldn't be on the computer, but you'd be packing your bags.
[/ QUOTE ] gotcha
[ QUOTE ]
don't get a boyfriend.
[/ QUOTE ] were u reading my mind??? between me and you there's a guy at my job and I've been fantasizing all week about how smart he is, how much he earns $$$,$$$, how perfect it would be to start all over with someone new.... I really appreciate your insight;sometimes when you're in the middle of it you can't see straight.
Thank you all for your replies.
[/ QUOTE ]
Stop fantasizing. It only makes things worse. When you get too focused on someone else, then you can't focus on your marriage. When someone else is in the picture, you're more likely to run away with the new guy, instead of giving the old guy a chance. As for the guy at work, after you get to REALLY know him (in terms of years....2,3,4,5,etc years), he might not sound so smart--you might be ready to tell him to shut up. As for him making good money, in these trying times, he could lose his job. And then what?
When the waters are stormy a lot of men begin to look good to you, but you have to know, that when the newness wears off, they might end up looking and being just like your dear old hubby. Okay, once again, good luck. Oh! Just to prove my point,as for the lady I was telling you about who's been married and divorced 3 times, she's on number 4 now, and between you and me (and all the ladies on the board), he's not too much better than the last husband---new man, same old situation
, but she doesn't see it because she's caught up in the newness.
[/ QUOTE ]
Thanks Brownie, yesterday we talked about some pretty serious things and at one point we decided that he would move out, but, in talking and rehashing so many hurt feelings we began to realize that we don't want to be without one another. Marriage can be really really difficult and yesterday I felt my lowest and God only knows (literally) how we were able to rise above the ashes. Starting today I won't fantasize about my boyfriend (well.. the bf in my head, he doesn't even know my name and we'll keep it that way).
Thanks again everyone.
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Hello!
If you're asking "When" maybe it's not time...because when it's time, you'd know because you wouldn't be on the computer, but you'd be packing your bags.
[/ QUOTE ] gotcha
[ QUOTE ]
don't get a boyfriend.
[/ QUOTE ] were u reading my mind??? between me and you there's a guy at my job and I've been fantasizing all week about how smart he is, how much he earns $$$,$$$, how perfect it would be to start all over with someone new.... I really appreciate your insight;sometimes when you're in the middle of it you can't see straight.
Thank you all for your replies.
[/ QUOTE ]
Stop fantasizing. It only makes things worse. When you get too focused on someone else, then you can't focus on your marriage. When someone else is in the picture, you're more likely to run away with the new guy, instead of giving the old guy a chance. As for the guy at work, after you get to REALLY know him (in terms of years....2,3,4,5,etc years), he might not sound so smart--you might be ready to tell him to shut up. As for him making good money, in these trying times, he could lose his job. And then what?
[/ QUOTE ]
Thanks Brownie, yesterday we talked about some pretty serious things and at one point we decided that he would move out, but, in talking and rehashing so many hurt feelings we began to realize that we don't want to be without one another. Marriage can be really really difficult and yesterday I felt my lowest and God only knows (literally) how we were able to rise above the ashes. Starting today I won't fantasize about my boyfriend (well.. the bf in my head, he doesn't even know my name and we'll keep it that way).
Thanks again everyone.
Tracy
New Member
Re: Divorce - how do you know when it\'s time?
kisz:
Just wanted to send you a hug. {{{{{{{kisz}}}}}}
Realtionships are rough but I admire your commitment to yourself and your marriage and your willingness to really evaluate things....
My prayers will be with you for peace, understanding and harmony in your marriage. It sounds like you feel better about it already. I'm glad.
Thinking of you....
kisz:
Just wanted to send you a hug. {{{{{{{kisz}}}}}}
Realtionships are rough but I admire your commitment to yourself and your marriage and your willingness to really evaluate things....
My prayers will be with you for peace, understanding and harmony in your marriage. It sounds like you feel better about it already. I'm glad.
Thinking of you....
Re: Divorce - how do you know when it\'s time?
[ QUOTE ]
Thanks Brownie, yesterday we talked about some pretty serious things and at one point we decided that he would move out, but, in talking and rehashing so many hurt feelings we began to realize that we don't want to be without one another. Marriage can be really really difficult and yesterday I felt my lowest and God only knows (literally) how we were able to rise above the ashes. Starting today I won't fantasize about my boyfriend (well.. the bf in my head, he doesn't even know my name and we'll keep it that way).
Thanks again everyone.
[/ QUOTE ]
I'm soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo happy for you and your husband
. Don't lose the faith. One day after you've been married for 50 years, you'll look back on this day and smile. Being married is not easy all the time, that's for sure. But what is pleasant all the time? Finding the sexiest, richest man in the world and marrying him wouldn't even guarantee smooth sailing all the time because everyone has bad days
Even being a parent can be rewarding, but not 24/7, so how can you expect things to be perfect in your marriage all the time. Lastly, anything worth having, is worth fighting for
.
I would say for anyone contemplating divorce, think about it long and hard because the chances of you remarrying is high, and the chances of you getting divorced again is even higher, so don't give up without a fight because once you give up on your partner once, it'll be easier to give up the second and third and forth time
.
[ QUOTE ]
Thanks Brownie, yesterday we talked about some pretty serious things and at one point we decided that he would move out, but, in talking and rehashing so many hurt feelings we began to realize that we don't want to be without one another. Marriage can be really really difficult and yesterday I felt my lowest and God only knows (literally) how we were able to rise above the ashes. Starting today I won't fantasize about my boyfriend (well.. the bf in my head, he doesn't even know my name and we'll keep it that way).
Thanks again everyone.
[/ QUOTE ]
I'm soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo happy for you and your husband
Even being a parent can be rewarding, but not 24/7, so how can you expect things to be perfect in your marriage all the time. Lastly, anything worth having, is worth fighting for
I would say for anyone contemplating divorce, think about it long and hard because the chances of you remarrying is high, and the chances of you getting divorced again is even higher, so don't give up without a fight because once you give up on your partner once, it'll be easier to give up the second and third and forth time
Re: Divorce - how do you know when it\'s time?
ms.kisz... i'm so glad you've decided to give it another shot. was thinking about something this psychologist was saying... she said that people often think that if they get divorced and start over with someone new everything will be different; but what we fail to realize is that things are rarely different with the new spouse becuase ultimately we bring our "old" selves into the picture. until we change ourselves for the better a new relationship will only ad to our personal baggage...
as i said, i'm very happy for you and i hope things work out...
ms.kisz... i'm so glad you've decided to give it another shot. was thinking about something this psychologist was saying... she said that people often think that if they get divorced and start over with someone new everything will be different; but what we fail to realize is that things are rarely different with the new spouse becuase ultimately we bring our "old" selves into the picture. until we change ourselves for the better a new relationship will only ad to our personal baggage...
as i said, i'm very happy for you and i hope things work out...
Aerie17
New Member
Re: Divorce - how do you know when it\'s time?
I agree that if you have to ask "how do you know..." then it is probably not the right choice at this time. When you know, you know. I have been divorced for 12 years. I have become much wiser over the years, thanks to God. I had a modicum of wisdom then, but even then, I knew when enough was enough.
I agree that if you have to ask "how do you know..." then it is probably not the right choice at this time. When you know, you know. I have been divorced for 12 years. I have become much wiser over the years, thanks to God. I had a modicum of wisdom then, but even then, I knew when enough was enough.
Tracy
New Member
Re: Divorce - how do you know when it\'s time?
[ QUOTE ]
what we fail to realize is that things are rarely different with the new spouse becuase ultimately we bring our "old" selves into the picture. until we change ourselves for the better a new relationship will only ad to our personal baggage...
[/ QUOTE ]
Someone said to me once - "Wherever you go, there you are..." I never forgot it. So true.
[ QUOTE ]
what we fail to realize is that things are rarely different with the new spouse becuase ultimately we bring our "old" selves into the picture. until we change ourselves for the better a new relationship will only ad to our personal baggage...
[/ QUOTE ]
Someone said to me once - "Wherever you go, there you are..." I never forgot it. So true.
