DH wants me to relax because the natural look looks unpolished...

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Mrs.Fitness said:
In my opinion this is no different than the petpeeve men have about weight gain during marriage. My question is "did he marry you natural?" From your post it doesnt sound like it. He may have been attracted to your straight hair. I am not saying whether this is right or wrong but it is a fact.

In my opinion this is something that has to be compromised. I would hate being married to a man that isnt attracted to me. No matter what the issue is. The determination to be natural is not more important than my marriage.
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If the happiness of a marriage is on the line due to a change in hairstyle that says a lot about commitment and love to me
 
Tickledpinkies said:
I feel WW and AW straighten their hair everyday in record numbers. The sale of flat irons is through the roof and its not just us buying them. They often have to get up early to do it as they wont go to work as they naturally are.

I hear "others" talking about their natural waves/curls with a look of disgust and talk of hating it quite regularly and they declare they can't live without their straightners:perplexed. Ive seen it and been there watching them blitz any bump/wave visible everyday, and this is some of the "other" men too.

I can't pinpoint when this started but a lot of people have an unhealthy obsession with getting their hair straight apart from us.

I also see WM responding to this, declaring that there are no hot white females with curly hair.

ETA: Whens the last time you saw Julia Roberts or Nicole Kidman with their natural curls?
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:lol: We AINT WHITE! Why folks keep bringing up white folks hair like we can relate?

Becky cannot relate with me and my hair even though she has a Jose Eber flat iron and I have a Gold n Hot flat iron. Still aint the same.

I wish Becky would approach me with some mess about how she feels about her curly hair and how we share the same struggle.:rolleyes:

I know you mean well but it is NOT the same thing. We can't walk into a room full of women and suddenly feel more confident cause we see 10 Becky's sportin' their natural curls. We aint checkin' for them.

We trying to see how many "Keisha's" with the 4z hair are sportin a fro or not. THAT is someone I can relate to. Not Julia Roberts.
 
dlove said:
Yeah, because he made a request, not a demand. We had a candid conversation about my hair. Nothing more. I think if there some serious issues he would have left 2 years ago when I shocked the mess out of him coming home to a .10 inch twa.
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As I said earlier, I wasn't speculating about your marriage or what goes on in it. I was really making a general comment.
 
Mortons said:
Because they are not doing it in record numbers like we are. It takes a certain kind of mindset to make a majority of women of a certain race to feel like their natural hair is inadequate. I know someone will get mad at that statement but I think its completely true.
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the legacy of colonialism is what differentiates us from "them". They simply do not have the same stigma we have when it comes to hair. We cannot compare our issues to other communities because the reasons why the issues exist and their implications are different.
 
Tickledpinkies said:
My SO has changed a few things because of my attraction meter. For example I hate it when white guys get their hair shaved or cut very short and clean, IDK why:perplexed.
He knows I find the short no frills look less attractive so we make sure he gets a not too short hair cut with some texture which has made a lot of difference to me.
Also he used to grow his beard out then clean shave it once a week. I find facial hair on him very attractive, I still like him with it off but he knows he has that extra spark to me with it:look:. We found a trimmer with settings so he doesn't have to clean shave it.

I also compromise on a few appearance things. I texlaxed recently, partially because I wanted to see some length, partially because I wanted to be able to wear it staight or blown out for him sometimes without it shrinking within 2 seconds. He didn't ask me to change but I know what he likes (length). I'm not even a big fan of straight hair but I don't hate it as long as its not stick straight.

I feel some men can come around to natural hair when it starts to gain length so maybe its worth sticking it out.
However I would be very careful about continuing with a style change that my husband really doesn't find attractive after he met me looking another way. I like compromise in my relationship and usually you can find something that works for both.
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That's all great :yep:

However, neither of you changed anything that you were in a strict objection to.

I have done things and hairstyles because my man likes it too... but SOME things I'm not open to changing at all.

For example... say your man liked the clean head look on black women. Doesn't mean you have to go shave your head.

The things that people aren't willing to change are an individual choice. For me, hair is one of them. It's not the same for others.

Depending on how you feel, you decide whether to compromise. It's a decision that only the OP can make either way. It's her hair and her body. :yep:
 
dlove said:
I bind that in the name of Jesus. He loves me, just likes straight hair.
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I am sure he loves you very much, when you talk to him keep this in mind. I find that when I "discuss" important matters with my husband and keep that (how much we love each other) in mind things go much better. This is just a little stumbling block that the two of you will work through, no doubt.
 
MizzBrown said:
:lol: We AINT WHITE! Why folks keep bringing up white folks hair like we can relate?

Becky cannot relate with me and my hair even though she has a Jose Eber flat iron and I have a Gold n Hot flat iron. Still aint the same.

I wish Becky would approach me with some mess about how she feels about her curly hair and how we share the same struggle.:rolleyes:

I know you mean well but it is NOT the same thing. We can't walk into a room full of women and suddenly feel more confident cause we see 10 Becky's sportin' their natural curls. We aint checkin' for them.

We trying to see how many "Keisha's" with the 4z hair are sportin a fro or not. THAT is someone I can relate to. Not Julia Roberts.
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I'm sorry, I would have never said it so bluntly... but that there is the truth. :yep: lol
 
I feel for you OP...that's a definite deal breaker for me. I wouldn't hesitate to end my 20 yr relationship and 9 yr marriage if my husband ever came at me with that.

He's entitled to his opinion & i'm entitled to my happiness.
 
i noticed it, and my boyfriend noticed this as well. When i went natural, and began working at a "high-status" job, in on month, i received a smattering of patient complaints. Some patients were "uncomfortable" with my hair. It never failed that when my hair was "freshly braided", my boyfriend and the clients gave me quite a few compliments. But when the new growth came in - here comes the complaints from him - and the patients.

Even i was becoming tired. everytime i saw a woman rocking a natural style, i thought - "hey kudos" for her. but it's not working for me anymore. or my relationship at work. At home, it didn't matter.

So i decided to do a weave. a natural, curly afro 10" weave. it's spirally, afro textured, 3c/4a hair. I didn't want to compromise my natural hair, and i know that due to shrinkage, i won't attain WL hair like Diana Ross used to wear in one year (which is my goal, yes WL 4c hair).

I am over 40, and starting over on my hair journey. the compromise was a hit. My boyfriend doesn't have to deal with the "new growth look" every 2 weeks, due to the style. There's no flatironing, no pressing, or anything to be done to my natural hair except gelling the edges.

My supervisor likes the style, and noticed that immediately, the patient complaints stopped.

so why not compromise, and still keep your natural hair? someone else on this discussion suggested this. You or your husband can pick whatever style you want, and wear it without having to harm your own hair.
 
MizzBrown said:
:lol: We AINT WHITE! Why folks keep bringing up white folks hair like we can relate?

Becky cannot relate with me and my hair even though she has a Jose Eber flat iron and I have a Gold n Hot flat iron. Still aint the same.

I wish Becky would approach me with some mess about how she feels about her curly hair and how we share the same struggle.:rolleyes:

I know you mean well but it is NOT the same thing. We can't walk into a room full of women and suddenly feel more confident cause we see 10 Becky's sportin' their natural curls. We aint checkin' for them.

We trying to see how many "Keisha's" with the 4z hair are sportin a fro or not. THAT is someone I can relate to. Not Julia Roberts.
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I wasn't talking about black people looking to a white woman to feel good. Im not sure where that came from?

I just read the whole thing:perplexed If you were in the controversial 3C thread you would know I dont relate to anything but 4b let alone WW!
I'm not that cracked in the head yet:look:
I just feel curly head people are not going out in the the morning the way they really are these days.
 
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Moomin said:
I wasn't talking about black people looking to a white woman to feel good. Im not sure where that came from?
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Why bring white folks hair up? They arent a good basis for comparison, IMO.

I dont care to see Julia Roberts with curly or straight hair. I'd like to see if some BLACK actresses with my hair type do that.

When's the last time you saw a black actress with their REAL natural curly hair? Beyond Type 3?

WW/WM and their disgust with curly hair is completely different from what we face in OUR community. Its deeper. And the funny thing is, not only do we have to deal with it in OUR community but as proven already in this thread, we still gotta go to work and deal with it from white folks too. BOTH sides.

FEMMEMUSCLE,

What exactly do the patients say about your hair? I mean, what is their complaint? How do they express it?
 
MizzBrown said:
:lol: We AINT WHITE! Why folks keep bringing up white folks hair like we can relate?

Becky cannot relate with me and my hair even though she has a Jose Eber flat iron and I have a Gold n Hot flat iron. Still aint the same.

I wish Becky would approach me with some mess about how she feels about her curly hair and how we share the same struggle.:rolleyes:

I know you mean well but it is NOT the same thing. We can't walk into a room full of women and suddenly feel more confident cause we see 10 Becky's sportin' their natural curls. We aint checkin' for them.

We trying to see how many "Keisha's" with the 4z hair are sportin a fro or not. THAT is someone I can relate to. Not Julia Roberts.
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this sounds wrong to me, like "white people can't understand. things are harder for us".

Becky should be able to come up to you and talk about her hair. Why does having natural, black hair always have to be shown as some cross to bear?

Some of my best friends are natural. Not the 3b or 3c curls, either. They're my inspirations. I don't see them struggling.
 
oh lawd, WHERE is the padlock?!?! we will wear the hell out of a situation, won't we?

*runs out of thread screaming and shaking*
 
LovinLea said:
this sounds wrong to me, like "white people can't understand. things are harder for us".

Becky should be able to come up to you and talk about her hair. Why does having natural, black hair always have to be shown as some cross to bear?

Some of my best friends are natural. Not the 3b or 3c curls, either. They're my inspirations. I don't see them struggling.
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I dont want Becky coming up to me and talking about her hair. Period.

Just cause your friends aren't struggling doesn't mean others aren't.
 
LovinLea said:
this sounds wrong to me, like "white people can't understand. things are harder for us".

Becky should be able to come up to you and talk about her hair. Why does having natural, black hair always have to be shown as some cross to bear?

Some of my best friends are natural. Not the 3b or 3c curls, either. They're my inspirations. I don't see them struggling.
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It's not saying that for me.

Our hair is tied into our RACE. The hair thing is not exactly the same for a black woman as it is for a white woman.

Of course they have their own thing with their hair going on, however... it's not quite on the same level as black people. A lot of the time non blacks don't realize how big of an issue our hair can be.
 
MizzBrown said:
Why bring white folks hair up? They arent a good basis for comparison, IMO.

I dont care to see Julia Roberts with curly or straight hair. I'd like to see if some BLACK actresses with my hair type do that.

When's the last time you saw a black actress with their REAL natural curly hair? Beyond Type 3?

WW/WM and their disgust with curly hair is completely different from what we face in OUR community. Its deeper. And the funny thing is, not only do we have to deal with it in OUR community but as proven already in this thread, we still gotta go to work and deal with it from white folks too. BOTH sides.

FEMMEMUSCLE,

What exactly do the patients say about your hair? I mean, what is their complaint? How do they express it?
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I never said that we had the same struggles at all in any way. My post was independent and I never compared BW struggles to WW struggles. I made no comparisons at all. You have made assumptions I meant that and run with it but thats OK.

No hard feelings but I know what I wasn't posting about.

ETA: I just looked and it does kinda look like that lol, sorry for offence caused but it wasn't a sympathy for curly white girls, just feel its undesirable in general now.
 
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Neith said:
It's not saying that for me.

Our hair is tied into our RACE. The hair thing is not exactly the same for a black woman as it is for a white woman.

Of course they have their own thing with their hair going on, however... it's not quite on the same level as black people. A lot of the time non blacks don't realize how big of an issue our hair can be.
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i hate how in all these threads we spend so much time bickering over things that are facts and no longer require debate. Black hair is a big deal in the black commnunity, period. There is no need to debate this. There is contemporary and historically proof of this. Bringing up white people does nothing but deflect the issue at hand. The OP's hubby is pressuring her to get a relaxer. I am not in her relationship, so I cannot demonize this man for one short coming. All I know is, if OP loves her natural hair and despite the criticism of her others, genuinely loves it, she should keep it. If DH has a problem it is more likely more his problem than hers and I don't feel she should feed into it. Let's be real. If she had 3b hair, it wouldn't be an issue.

Issues of acceptance when it comes to type 4 hair are a biggie for men and women and it doesn't mean that these people are bad people. It is just that they have subscribed to the whole "good hair, bad hair" thing and we all know where this comes from. That is something that HE will have to work on to eventually overcome and maybe with her help, because it is something that many people struggle with. I think if she gives in and relaxes she is going to eventually resent him, he will never learn to appreciate and accept his own hair or hers and see the beauty in it and lastly, i think she will be doing herself a disservice.
 
LovinLea said:
this sounds wrong to me, like "white people can't understand. things are harder for us".

Becky should be able to come up to you and talk about her hair. Why does having natural, black hair always have to be shown as some cross to bear?

Some of my best friends are natural. Not the 3b or 3c curls, either. They're my inspirations. I don't see them struggling.
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Eh...I see what MizzBrown was saying. In general, I think many of us often see the corporate world, our families, partners and even strangers etc have a deep dislike for natural type 4 or highly textured type 3 hair. For some people, that is where the struggle comes in. When I see a huge number WW openly voicing their strong fears about rocking their curly hair and talking about the "mental transition", I'll think of their issue with hair as on par with the one within black communities worldwide. In the meantime, I believe many white people are not as bothered about it.

Also, one doesn't need to see their natural hair as "burden" or cross to bear in order to believe that as a whole the hair issue in our community seems to be deeper than white peoples. You can acknowledge that without a woe is me attitude. Many naturals do.
 
While agree she is saying it bluntly and harshly... and I wouldn't word it the same way :lol:

She does have a point :yep:

It's not racist to say that there ARE differences between the experiences of black people and white people. Including the black woman's hair experience.

The delivery... kinda harsh :yep: The message... 100% true.
 
Kurlee said:
i hate how in all these threads we spend so much time bickering over things that are facts and no longer require debate. Black hair is a big deal in the black commnunity, period. There is no need to debate this. There is contemporary and historically proof of this. Bringing up white people does nothing but deflect the issue at hand. The OP's hubby is pressuring her to get a relaxer. I am not in her relationship, so I cannot demonize this man for one short coming. All I know is, if OP loves her natural hair and despite the criticism of her others, genuinely loves it, she should keep it. If DH has a problem it is more likely more his problem than hers and I don't feel she should feed into it. Let's be real. If she had 3b hair, it wouldn't be an issue.

Issues of acceptance when it comes to type 4 hair are a biggie for men and women and it doesn't mean that these people are bad people. It is just that they have subscribed to the whole "good hair, bad hair" thing and we all know where this comes from. That is something that HE will have to work on to eventually overcome and maybe with her help, because it is something that many people struggle with. I think if she gives in and relaxes she is going to eventually resent him, he will never learn to appreciate and accept his own hair or hers and see the beauty in it and lastly, i think she will be doing herself a disservice.
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I didn't bring up white people though. lol

I agree with you!
 
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