Depressed and Preg

[sashaa]

I am 8 weeks preg and my bf makes so many excuses as to why he can not stay over for more than 1 day or so at a time. It is getting so old and I am feeling so alone right now. He is such an excuse giver and so immature!

I am tired of feeling alone and crying when he makes an excuse as to why he cant be around (gas, cause he has his own place and does not live at my house, etc.)

I am tired of it and have told him before to frik off and I will just holla when the baby comes. He acts like that is the last thing he wants and that he loves me , blah blah but he can not be grown up enough to STOP making excuses for why he cant be around more than 1 day overnight at a time even after claiming to bring stuff to have at my house so its not a problem. I guess he meant enough for 1 overnight stay. This is BS and I am feeling so alone in this matter.

I do not and will not force and fight with someone to want to be around, if he did then simply, he would. It hurts to hammer your point in someones head when they dont get it knowing they dont get it cause they dont want to- especially giving that the point is simple.

Maybe it is just my hormones but I dont feel like I am being unrealistic and doing him wrong as he seems to think! What is wrong with wanting the person who got you this way to be around?! I just told him to forget it and I will let him know as statuses change on the baby, but aside from that not to show his face. I rather him not come around at all vs. coming around when he wants to! what about what I need!

I dont feel that it matters so my approach is if he cant be around when I need him then dont come around when he feels like it. I dont need the favors...

Anybody else preg or been in this situation where you felt so alone. How did you deal/cope?

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

When we're pregnant our hormones do get the best of us

Did your SO spend the night with you before you got pregnant? And now that you're pregnant he's not?

Also, did he make excuses about not having gas to come see you before you got pregnant? Or did he make a way to come see you?

Did he just start acting this way, or was he this way the whole relationship?

I'm sorry for what you're going through, and since you and he are going to be parents soon, you both need to have a talk and see what both of you plan to do since you have a baby on the way.

 

[YankeeCandle]

Oh, please accept a

I agree that you need to look back on his behavior before you got pregnant. (BTW was the pregnancy planned and, if not, was he happy about it? Were YOU? If you weren't, that could explain a lot about your intensified feelings of loneliness. Psychologically, you (justifiably) feel saddled with a burden that is yours alone and that downright sucks! I empathize.).

Also, a few practical points-- do you all live in different cities? Work in different cities? How far is his job from your arpartment? Does he have to wake up early to get to work?

 

[sashaa]

thanks ladies for your feedback. I am so down right now...the responses to some of your questions may be the tell tell as to why...

So my Bf is being referred to as baby's father- not boyfriend. This man was my highschool sweetheart of 6 years...I was single for about 4 years before getting into a relationship with another man for 2 years... the latter relationship was abusive...

My highschool sweetheart has claimed to always love me and professed that we would be together again some day in marriage, but to make a very long story short I got preggers early feb. out of the blue. He and I had NOt even been messing around or anything it just happened and now I am in this shape...

He is ecstatic about the pregnancy, although I am not mainly because I wanted things different before I ever got preg and even more so now because, well I feel so alone. Geographically we live approx. 20 mins apart in the same city. He works 7a-7p 3 days a week unless he is working extra for OT. I work a 9-5 most days 9-6 or 7 apprx. 1 hr away from my house.

Overall ladies I am tired ALREADY of the excuses and because of the fact I know this man almost better than he knows himself, I know that he is making excuses and it hurts...

 

[NOEChic]

Not trying to be mean or anything, but why do you "need/want" him to sleep by your house?

 

[TayMac]

Are you sure he is single?
Anyway, don't expect the pregnancy to have the same effect on him as it does on you at such an early stage. And as PP said, the hormones are out of this world! It makes you take things personal that you would generally ignore. ((HUGS))

Do you know who is the father? The ex or this guy? I'm a teeny bit confused.

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

I got preggers early feb. out of the blue. He and I had NOt even been messing around or anything it just happened and now I am in this shape...

..

I'm sorry sashaa, but I'm confused by this statement--it reads as though you got pregnant out of the blue without having sex ???

 

[chicitygirl]

Real talk, are you sure you want to have a child with someone that isn't even making more of an effort to be there for your before the child is here? I hate to be crass, but if you think you're lonely and frustrated now, wait until you're stuck with a newborn and he's saying he won't be by to help because he doesn't have gas. I'm sorry, that's unacceptable. He lives 20 minutes away and he's not making it a priority to see about your needs and you're carrying his child. It's going to be a very long 18 years of child rearing at this rate. I understand mistakes can happen, but if he's showing you how he operates this early on, you now have the opportunity to make some wise decisions about your future.

 

[locabouthair]

I'm not trying to be mean but if he is just your baby's father and not your boyfriend why does he need to stay over at your house for days at a time?

I would expect to spend that much time with someone I'm in a rlp with. JMO. Take it with a grain a salt. Not trying to be mean.

 

[Zawaj]

I'm confused.

 

[sashaa]

I can see there is alot of confusion here...so let me attempt to clarify some things:

This man and I were together for 6 yrs and split up about 5 or so yrs ago. He's highschool sweetheart and we were very much in love but we grew apart. Long story short we keep in touch over the years and he claims to me and my family that he has always loved me and through all the women he has encountered he swears that I am the only woman for him.

He confesses all of this but its just that the actions do not align as I posted initially.

He smokes and I HATE smoke. I honestly dont think there is someone else, I think he desires to get away to smoke without hearing my mouth, but thats just my opinion.

He tells people that we are together and when I talk about the fact that we are not and how that makes me feel now that I am pregger by him, he quickly corrects me by saying yes we are together! IT just feels like a mess...

The reason I want him around is well because I didnt know I would have these feelings- heck didnt expect to be pregger by him and I getting together one night out of the pure blue! The fact is that now I am and I considered alternatives been when I saw the heartbeat about 2 weeks ago, all of my alternatives dwindled down to having this child.

Back to why I want him around, I feel so very alone. I was waiting to be married to have children. at 30 yrs of age I felt I was doing good and would reach that goal, and well now there is a detour that I am facing and I still want him around. I dont want to feel alone like I do. I feel that if he is making excuses now he will later as well. He swears he wont...He is pressing me to setup an account so that he can setup direct deposit for the child. he offered up 15% of his checks...while that is fine and good- I need more support emotionally, but that does not seem to be quite understood.

As it is clear we are not together although he tries to say YES we are when I remind him that we are not. I am trying not to get myself wrapped up in forcing a relationship out of this preganacy, however whatever has me feeling so bad about being alone is not slowing down. IF I were not pregg it would matter not just a before but now I feel like I need/strongly desire him to be around more than he seems to be willing to be.

Hope this somewhat clears up questions/confusions. I have told him to forget about it and I will be alright. I just cant stand the sometimey stuff and if that is how I feel he is being its not going to change especially with the excuses he comes with. I do better just cutting ties now and relieving myself from the sometimey behavior knowing I can not deal. I told him this in so many words and he tells me I am wrong and he cant believe I am acting that way...*sighs*

 

[TayMac]

Not to be rude at all but I think you are overreacting a lil' OP. Don't push him away just because he is not doing things exactly on your terms (he's not mistreating you from what I'm reading)...I think things will get better..

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

He confesses all of this but its just that the actions do not align as I posted initially.

This statement right here says everything. You've heard the phrase "Actions speak louder than words " -- by his actions he's telling you exactly what he feels. He may sense that at this point you're needy (with or without being preggers) and it may be a turn off for him. Women fall prey to the words "I love you, I want to be with you", but if the actions are not in line with the words, then the words, imo, mean absolutely nothing.

I commend him for wanting to set up an account for the baby, and at this point it seems as though that's all he's willing to do (I think you realize that).

You're putting pressure on this man to spend time with you because you're lonely, and you may be running him away. You have a baby to think about now, and although you would have liked for things to turn out differently, you may have to come to grips with the way things are going now.

 

[anon123]

What are the concrete things you want from him again? Is it that you want him to move in with you? You say he doesn't spend more than a night and day there at a time. How long do you want him to stay? How many days/nights does he spend with you in a week?

It sounds like neither of you were ready for pregnancy and now you want a more advanced relationship than you had before because you are pregnant now. It's like the relationship was at stage 5 before you got pregnant and now you want it to be at stage 9. Is that right? Not that I wouldn't understand why, just trying to get clear on exactly what it is you want.

 

[ThickHair]

Not to be crass, but it sounds like you did an "Ooops, I am pregnant" and hoped that would speed things along and now that they didn't you are all up in arms about it.

I thought you were way younger than 30. Not to shake my finger at you, but you knew better.

Only thing you can do now is put on your big girl panties and be the greatest mom you can be because it doesnt' sound like your child's father/boyfriend/friend/buddy or whatever he is, is down for the cause. Now when the baby comes he may come along and you guys might be a happy little family for a bit, but when that newness wears off he is going to go back to doing what he has been doing. Also you never answered Honeycombs questions.

Did your SO spend the night with you before you got pregnant?
And now that you're pregnant he's not?

Also, did he make excuses about not having gas to come see you before you got pregnant? Or did he make a way to come see you?

Did he just start acting this way, or was he this way the whole relationship?

I'm sorry for what you're going through, and since you and he are going to be parents soon, you both need to have a talk and see what both of you plan to do since you have a baby on the way.

If he was doing all of that to begin with, you can't expect him to change. Good luck and take care of your sweet little bun in the oven

.

 

[LBoogie]

I see a sharp turn ahead.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

Do you want him to marry you?

 

[jennboo]

***sigh***

 

[NappiShawti]

op i really hope everything works out for you. sometimes we just have to own up to our mistakes & shortcomings & do whatever will be best for our children/families. i hate to sound preachy cuz i've kinda been where u r but unfortunately when u have kids/get preg b4 marriage things like this happen & u can't help it or avoid it b/c u put the cart b4 the horse.

when i got preg ex-DH & I decided 2 get married immediately & i expected our relationship to go from bf/gf to perfect Huxtable marriage like that...DIDN'T HAPPEN! same bs he did when we were dating happend after marriage & it hurt even MORE then cuz gawddamn this is my HUSBAND

oh well that is why he is EX-dh LOL.

anyway op u will be fine...ur still pretty early in your pregnancy so plzz dont stress urself out with this. i thought i was gonna miscarry after all the unnecessary stress/abuse that man put me thru. dont endanger ur childs life by placing this stress on ur body. yes it is lonely & hard but plz get used to it bcuz when u are not married, unfortunately this is wht single parenthood is like

 

[lucy]

The OP keeps stating that they arent in a relationship, and if that is indeed the case, then I dont understand wanting him to stay over your place. Maybe your talks should be less about staying over, and more about starting a relationship, if that is what you want.

 

[sashaa]

Not to be rude at all but I think you are overreacting a lil' OP. Don't push him away just because he is not doing things exactly on your terms (he's not mistreating you from what I'm reading)...I think things will get better..

Thanks for your reply. I may be allowing my hormones to get the best of me right now... He just sent me a really long email and I actually understood his points erplexed

 

[sashaa]

What are the concrete things you want from him again? Is it that you want him to move in with you? You say he doesn't spend more than a night and day there at a time. How long do you want him to stay? How many days/nights does he spend with you in a week?

It sounds like neither of you were ready for pregnancy and now you want a more advanced relationship than you had before because you are pregnant now. It's like the relationship was at stage 5 before you got pregnant and now you want it to be at stage 9. Is that right? Not that I wouldn't understand why, just trying to get clear on exactly what it is you want.

In my words I have higher expectations now...in reality~ the way you stated it is probably accurate. I made it clear that I did not want him to move in, mainly because I didnt want to force him in the same house as me due to the situation... but I realize I am somewhat all over the place with my feelings right now erplexed

 

[sashaa]

Not to be crass, but it sounds like you did an "Ooops, I am pregnant" and hoped that would speed things along and now that they didn't you are all up in arms about it.

I thought you were way younger than 30. Not to shake my finger at you, but you knew better.

Only thing you can do now is put on your big girl panties and be the greatest mom you can be because it doesnt' sound like your child's father/boyfriend/friend/buddy or whatever he is, is down for the cause. Now when the baby comes he may come along and you guys might be a happy little family for a bit, but when that newness wears off he is going to go back to doing what he has been doing. Also you never answered Honeycombs questions.

If he was doing all of that to begin with, you can't expect him to change. Good luck and take care of your sweet little bun in the oven

.

It definitely was an OOOPS more like a DANGIT! It certainly was NOT to speed anything along, in fact I was not thinking twice about what he was doing and where he was spending his time. We had not been together for a LONG time in terms of a relationship, so what happened that night has a longer story behind it but the short story is that we were not together or seeing each other regularly at the time and that was my choice as I was recently out of another relationship...

Just as many women make the mistake daily, my mistake as out of the blue as it was, has ended me up pregger.

 

[sashaa]

Do you want him to marry you?

Not at this point as it would be for the child and I do not believe in that. He has been working on himself claiming to be ready to marry me someday...the problem is that we have made a mistake faaar before the day of marriage and that is what is difficult at this point for me, however I am clear minded enough to KNOW marriage cause of a child is NOT the answer...

 

[sashaa]

op i really hope everything works out for you. sometimes we just have to own up to our mistakes & shortcomings & do whatever will be best for our children/families. i hate to sound preachy cuz i've kinda been where u r but unfortunately when u have kids/get preg b4 marriage things like this happen & u can't help it or avoid it b/c u put the cart b4 the horse.

when i got preg ex-DH & I decided 2 get married immediately & i expected our relationship to go from bf/gf to perfect Huxtable marriage like that...DIDN'T HAPPEN! same bs he did when we were dating happend after marriage & it hurt even MORE then cuz gawddamn this is my HUSBAND

oh well that is why he is EX-dh LOL.

anyway op u will be fine...ur still pretty early in your pregnancy so plzz dont stress urself out with this. i thought i was gonna miscarry after all the unnecessary stress/abuse that man put me thru. dont endanger ur childs life by placing this stress on ur body. yes it is lonely & hard but plz get used to it bcuz when u are not married, unfortunately this is wht single parenthood is like

I appreciate you sharing your story and comments with me. You are so right and being new to this I am trying to wrap my arms around the reality of what you stated above because as sad as it is....it is true.

 

[Mai Tai]

It definitely was an OOOPS more like a DANGIT! It certainly was NOT to speed anything along, in fact I was not thinking twice about what he was doing and where he was spending his time. We had not been together for a LONG time in terms of a relationship, so what happened that night has a longer story behind it but the short story is that we were not together or seeing each other regularly at the time and that was my choice as I was recently out of another relationship...

Just as many women make the mistake daily, my mistake as out of the blue as it was, has ended me up pregger.

OP...My heart goes out to you...But at the same time it kind of doesn't. I do not mean to scold you, or come across as mean. Believe me I mean well. I don't want to be all up in your business, but did you all use protection? Correctly? If you answered yes to both of these questions, then this is definately an OOOOOOPS moment...

If you answered no to either one of these questions...then you knew EXACTLY what would happen, and really need to suck it up and deal with the consequences. You said "he got you this way," but YOU are responsible for your own reproductive health, and very much contributed to this pregnancy. You are 30 years old...Well past the age of acting like pregnancy "just happens" and well past the age of thinking a man will all of a sudden turn into father material just because you got a little one the way.

My advice...

1. Come to terms that his actions may not change, and you may be raising this baby on your own.
2. Stop expecting someone that ain't ya man, to all of a sudden start acting like ya man. You are setting your heart up for failure.
3. Find a support system QUICK.
4. If you all did not use protection...Learn how to use it...correctly...
5. Stop acting suprised, or baffled at the fact that you are pregnant. You knew what you were doing.
6. Start researching child support laws in your state.
7. Do not...I repeat..DO NOT have any more kids by this man until he has given you his last name.

 

[TayMac]

I forgot to say..if he is giving you money for the baby or offering..please take it regardless of your financial situation. You never know what may come up.

 

[sashaa]

I forgot to say..if he is giving you money for the baby or offering..please take it regardless of your financial situation. You never know what may come up.

oh definitely! I am on board with the direct deposit idea...

 

[sashaa]

OP...My heart goes out to you...But at the same time it kind of doesn't. I do not mean to scold you, or come across as mean. Believe me I mean well. I don't want to be all up in your business, but did you all use protection? Correctly? If you answered yes to both of these questions, then this is definately an OOOOOOPS moment...

If you answered no to either one of these questions...then you knew EXACTLY what would happen, and really need to suck it up and deal with the consequences. You said "he got you this way," but YOU are responsible for your own reproductive health, and very much contributed to this pregnancy. You are 30 years old...Well past the age of acting like pregnancy "just happens" and well past the age of thinking a man will all of a sudden turn into father material just because you got a little one the way.

My advice...

1. Come to terms that his actions may not change, and you may be raising this baby on your own.
2. Stop expecting someone that ain't ya man, to all of a sudden start acting like ya man. You are setting your heart up for failure.
3. Find a support system QUICK.
4. If you all did not use protection...Learn how to use it...correctly...
5. Stop acting suprised, or baffled at the fact that you are pregnant. You knew what you were doing.
6. Start researching child support laws in your state.
7. Do not...I repeat..DO NOT have any more kids by this man until he has given you his last name.

the only thing I can say without being long and drawn out is that mistakes happen. As someone else described to me- alot of people makes mistakes, some get caught up in them and others dont. But nonetheless, I appreciate the reply.

 

[Bmack]

I really hope everything works out for you. I would take a different course of action, but it’s not politically correct so...

Mai Tai's advice would be great to follow. I understand the depression because this is not how you imagined your life would turn out, but it’s not like you can not still take those same steps-you just will have a little one on deck. I would start those steps now though don’t think you can step to what you want because your pregnant-live your life for you and your baby.

I also would spend as much time around supportive friends and family to extinguish any feelings of loneliness and depression.

Best of luck and health to you and your baby.