Deal or no Deal

mieshae

mieshae

New Member
Here is the thing ladies,

Would you deal with this or not, I have been married for about 5yrs. For five years we have had our share of problems. So many I don't care to name. I thought that in all of this we would be closer now, but we are not. So my problem is out of everything we have been through our sex life is horrible. We have sex on average about 1 time a month sometime 1 every other month. I have gotten really frustrated with this in the past. He tells me that I need to think about other things that mean something and then I won't be so focused on the sex thing. Well over the years I have gotten used to it and I don't desire it as much either. I mean to be honest when we do it is not really great so I am like what is the use. Where the dilima takes place is I am 29!!! I can't say I can deal with this the rest of my life. I am going to want to have sex sometime. I mean I have taken the lead sometimes in the past and have gotten shot down! This is really tough when all of my married friends are complaining about too much sex and how they want a break!! What you do? think? or feel? (you know most men cheat when they feel the way I do, I have not, but what am to do)
 
WOW. That is a major problem. If you make it clear to him how much of a problem this is to you and he is not willing to change or work on this with you, then the issue might be your feelings not meaning as much to him as they should and complacence on his part, and in the long run, those things might cause bigger issues than just sexual incompatibility. You guys should consider counseling.
 
Wow. I am sorry that you are experiencing this. I am assuming that since the sex life isnt great, neither is the communication. You need to get to the source of the problem. When the sex life is failing, its just a manifestation of other aspects of the marriage that are in dire need of fixing.

Can you figure out the source of the problem? Has it always been like this? If not, can you pinpoint when things started to change? Have you guys discussed talking to a pastor or counselor.

Do you think that your husand could be cheating or is possibly gay?
 
mieshae said:
Here is the thing ladies,

Would you deal with this or not, I have been married for about 5yrs. For five years we have had our share of problems. So many I don't care to name. I thought that in all of this we would be closer now, but we are not. So my problem is out of everything we have been through our sex life is horrible. We have sex on average about 1 time a month sometime 1 every other month. I have gotten really frustrated with this in the past. He tells me that I need to think about other things that mean something and then I won't be so focused on the sex thing. Well over the years I have gotten used to it and I don't desire it as much either. I mean to be honest when we do it is not really great so I am like what is the use. Where the dilima takes place is I am 29!!! I can't say I can deal with this the rest of my life. I am going to want to have sex sometime. I mean I have taken the lead sometimes in the past and have gotten shot down! This is really tough when all of my married friends are complaining about too much sex and how they want a break!! What you do? think? or feel? (you know most men cheat when they feel the way I do, I have not, but what am to do)
Click to expand...

The "be a good woman" side of me says suck it up and deal.

The "I like sex" side of me says thats a tough one.

And the "Dr Phil" side of me says "have you talked to him about it?" but how do you say to your man "look honey - on the rare occasion that we DO do it, you're not putting it down. What gives". Not exactly the type of scenario you want to discuss over candlelight dinner.

And you say you've initiated and he still gives the "cold shoulder"?

I dunno - that's a tough one. I'm not sure exactly how the conversation would take place, but a conversation has to happen. Because you trying to accept that isn't going to work for you. And who knows - he might be going through some internal issues that are making him sexually distant. In other words, you might not be the only one who thinks there's a problem - and like you, he's not sure how to breach the subject.

I would just say, whatever you do, be encouraging, not discouraging...
 
mieshae said:
Here is the thing ladies,

Would you deal with this or not, I have been married for about 5yrs. For five years we have had our share of problems. So many I don't care to name. I thought that in all of this we would be closer now, but we are not. So my problem is out of everything we have been through our sex life is horrible. We have sex on average about 1 time a month sometime 1 every other month. I have gotten really frustrated with this in the past. He tells me that I need to think about other things that mean something and then I won't be so focused on the sex thing. Well over the years I have gotten used to it and I don't desire it as much either. I mean to be honest when we do it is not really great so I am like what is the use. Where the dilima takes place is I am 29!!! I can't say I can deal with this the rest of my life. I am going to want to have sex sometime. I mean I have taken the lead sometimes in the past and have gotten shot down! This is really tough when all of my married friends are complaining about too much sex and how they want a break!! What you do? think? or feel? (you know most men cheat when they feel the way I do, I have not, but what am to do)
Click to expand...

I'm not being funny when I say this, but do you know much about his sexuality - does he watch porn? "Nadi where are you going with this?" I guess what I'm saying is do you have any clues into his preferences and fantasies - maybe you could draw on those to try and increase the frequency of "activity". :look:

I'm keeping it real - sex like spirituality is important to me. I'd talk to him about it and if I didn't get the results I wanted, I'm calling up a marriage or sex therapist. He doesn't have to be there the first time I go - but I could go talk to SOMEONE to get some tips or at least some insight to what could be going on in his mind.
 
I would try counseling and if that didn't work, IDK. But I could be stuck in a relationship that's severly lacking.

Is he happy and excited when you two are intimate or is like "blah"?
 
nooooooooooooo Deal. you are 29 not 89. Was he like this prior to marriage? I'm sorry but I woulda been gone if it were me (prior to marriage). I would tell him he is horrible in bed and I wouldnt be nice about it either. He see's nothing wrong with it?
 
ok, I have talked to him about it several times.........ok more like every week and says that it is getting on his nerves that I keep bringing this up. I am like WHAT!!! I have thought about is he gay? I thought is he cheating? I am not really sure. But in the past it made me feel like what is wrong with me. I even went through am I too fat? (no) to skinny? (no) not light enough? (he used to date white women prior to me) I tried to find out what turns him on and tried taking that avenue......Nothing worked. I told him that he makes me feel like he is not attracted to me and says Uh....... it's not that. When we do it is soooooo fast and no typr of four play it is just like lets get it done. He uses the excuse that it is so good that he cannot control himself, but I think that if this is soooo true then why we do it sooooo less.
 
I think you need to talk to a professional counselor on this matter. Because something is wrong with a man who has a young wife and is not even interested in pleasing her. I know that sex isnt everything but come on! If he gets annoyed when you talk about it or only does it after you "bug him" then I'd really think something is wrong with him.
 
I agree with everyone else, go to couseling. If he doesn't want to go then go alone. Was he like this while you were dating?
 
honestly he was, He used to tell me that the reason he was like this then was because we were not married and he felt guilty having premarital sex. So I believed him!! I have thought about the gay part before on more than one occasion. I just don't have any concrete proof...........
 
mieshae said:
honestly he was, He used to tell me that the reason he was like this then was because we were not married and he felt guilty having premarital sex. So I believed him!! I have thought about the gay part before on more than one occasion. I just don't have any concrete proof...........
Click to expand...

You need to trust your feelings. I don't think he's gonna be honest with you.
 
mieshae said:
honestly he was, He used to tell me that the reason he was like this then was because we were not married and he felt guilty having premarital sex. So I believed him!! I have thought about the gay part before on more than one occasion. I just don't have any concrete proof...........
Click to expand...

You both need to sit down and really discuss this. Tell him you are questioning his sexuality because he is not willing to perform for you...ever. Suggest counseling to him. I could understand if he was performing but it wasnt long enough or good...cuz at least then he is trying. But since he isnt...........:nono:
 
I sent u a PM. I went through the exact same thing with my ex husband. I was so miserable. Nobody understands how depressing this is unless they have been in this situation. But in my case, my husband was cheating, with several different women over the course of our marriage. He would tell me that something was wrong with me because all I thought about was sex. Maybe if I got it on a reagular basis I wouldn't constantly think about it. :lachen:

I don't think he is gay. I think he is either cheating or using this as a control tactic.
 
mieshae said:
honestly he was, He used to tell me that the reason he was like this then was because we were not married and he felt guilty having premarital sex. So I believed him!! I have thought about the gay part before on more than one occasion. I just don't have any concrete proof...........
Click to expand...


You have a serious problem. I hope things get better for you. In the meantime on the rare occasions that you do have sex I think you should use protection since you are questioning his sexuality.
 
It may sound crazy, but we always, ALWAYS use protection. I know some peoople see my buying condoms and they are like you are married, and I am like yea but we still use them.
 
mieshae said:
It may sound crazy, but we always, ALWAYS use protection. I know some peoople see my buying condoms and they are like you are married, and I am like yea but we still use them.
Click to expand...

I wish you had someone IRL you could talk to. Because this is serious. I think all you need to know now is that something is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay off. You don't need proof of anything.
 
mieshae said:
It may sound crazy, but we always, ALWAYS use protection. I know some peoople see my buying condoms and they are like you are married, and I am like yea but we still use them.
Click to expand...

For 5 years while married?? This is not the norm. I don't want to keep asking you personal questions but..... something is really wrong. I wish you the best and trust your instincts!!!
 
i agree with dlewis something is wayyy off here---seriously...

and i dont think you deserve this and something has to change---


dlewis said:
I wish you had someone IRL you could talk to. Because this is serious. I think all you need to know now is that something is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay off. You don't need proof of anything.
Click to expand...
 
Who's idea was it to use the condoms?


Do you have children?


He may very well be cheating. with the white woman


Are there any other signs that makes you believe he's gay?


Do you get along fine otherwise?


Do a stake out on his ass.
 
He may be cheating (there are some bad signs here), but it might be something else too. Is he impotent? Maybe he has a medical problem he needs to get checked out.

Also, just in case, you might want to get tested for STD's.
 
mieshae said:
It may sound crazy, but we always, ALWAYS use protection. I know some peoople see my buying condoms and they are like you are married, and I am like yea but we still use them.
Click to expand...
I see nothing wrong with using condoms if you are not on the pill or some other form of birth control. You are practicing birth control so you won't have a baby. That is the point of birth control and it is not always up to the woman.

Geez ladies, reading some of your comments makes it seem unthinkable to use condoms in a committed relationship.
 
mieshae said:
ok, I have talked to him about it several times.........ok more like every week and says that it is getting on his nerves that I keep bringing this up. I am like WHAT!!! I have thought about is he gay? I thought is he cheating? I am not really sure. But in the past it made me feel like what is wrong with me. I even went through am I too fat? (no) to skinny? (no) not light enough? (he used to date white women prior to me) I tried to find out what turns him on and tried taking that avenue......Nothing worked. I told him that he makes me feel like he is not attracted to me and says Uh....... it's not that. When we do it is soooooo fast and no typr of four play it is just like lets get it done. He uses the excuse that it is so good that he cannot control himself, but I think that if this is soooo true then why we do it sooooo less.
Click to expand...

No, no and no again. :nono:
I have been in a relationship like this! And the answer is: No Deal.

He is most likely one of two things: gay or cheating.

And you don't need to find out which one it is to pull the breaks on this relationship. I think you should leave him - live on your own for a while without a divorce and allow him some time to think about this situation. Most likely, he won't change, since he's been doing this for 5 years.

The way you down yourself when these things happen is the worst for a woman's self confidence and sense of being a woman.

Do you take initiative to sex, and what does he do or say then?
You are worth a fulfilling and fun sex life with a man that takes your needs seriously. Hey, most men see it as their job to make their woman happy.
 
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