Dating & Sex: Should I cut things off now instead of later?

[isawstars]

BACKGROUND INFO
I'm 21 and in college. I've been single for 2 months. My last relationship was 1 1/2 years long and long distance. I lost my virginity to him. A few days after the break up I slept with a guy I had a crush on... turns out he only wanted me for sex... it took me weeks to get over him.

I'm currently seeing a guy named Dan. I am smitten. He's done the sweetest things a college guy has EVER done for me: always open my car door, waited in the Health Center waiting room when I was sick (after knowing me for a few days), brought me soup and tea when I was sick, never let me pay for a meal, never pressured me to have sex, etc. He also ended a really long term relationship recently and cut off communication the same time of my break up. We've been seeing each other for 2 weeks so far...

THIS WEEK
Sunday we had fun together but at the end of the night he complained about how we haven't had sex in 5 days and said it makes him feel like I'm not attracted to him. On Monday he was kinda quiet but told me something personal was bothering him, and he was just feeling down. Tuesday was weird. He didn't contact me at all... I started freaking out thinking he was like the guy I dated before him, and that he must of lost interest in me. He finally sent me a text asking me to come over, after I left a voice message and sent him a text. I was only there for 20 minutes because of his 7-10pm class... but he told me that his ex girlfriend was trying to talk to him again but he said he told her to leave him alone. He said he cut things off again but it's just been bothering him lately.

TODAY
I'm really confused about how people date and have sex. I'm wondering if I need to stop doing this with guys I'm not in a serious relationship in. I wonder if sex makes me more attached.

Because of the whole getting emotionally attached quickly, I left Dan's place today with the determination to cut things off. A random conversation about flirting with other people came up. And I teased him, "oh would it bother you if some guy started flirting me?" and he said "no, not at all." I was shocked. Then he proceeded to say "yeah, it's just a natural thing to do... why, would it bother you?" I quickly said no, but he caught my lie--How embarrassing. He did say he's not seeing anyone else. But it makes me think maybe there's someone else he's trying to get with. I don't want a relationship at all but I can't bear to be dumped to the curb again... It's starting to sound like I like him way more than he likes me. I don't know. I'm just so confused after he said that. Sunday night he said that he cares about me... but I suppose that can be taken so many different ways.

I can't possibly get hurt this soon after a rough break up. But everyone thinks he truly likes me because of all the nice gestures and how he always goes out of his way for me. I don't know what to do. I suppose for now I'll just back off for now... I guess...

I feel like things are so complex. I never even thought I would LIKE him... especially THIS much. I'm seriously in a panic. I just wanted to have fun til I'm ready for another serious relationship. Does sex really make everything complicated??

 

[BillsBackerz67]

youve pretty much answered your own question. my advice? just focus on school and give dating a rest... at least for the rest of the semster

 

[isawstars]

youve pretty much answered your own question. my advice? just focus on school and give dating a rest... at least for the rest of the semster

so you think I should back off or cut everything off completely? When I say back off I mean like... not spending my entire day with him, and giving him less attention

 

[lexi08]

so you think I should back off or cut everything off completely? When I say back off I mean like... not spending my entire day with him, and giving him less attention

Yes absolutely cut him off and stop having sex with him. You should be concentrating on college not dating and casual sex

 

[tiara76]

if you don't understand yourself and your own emotions and what sex is to you, then you may find yourself in plenty relationships like the above, and each time may be worse and worse on your well being because you are confused about whats really going on with other people and yourself......

sex can make alot of people attached, not just women, just more likely women because we tend to give into emotions more so than men will

I feel like a broken record saying this...

guys don't really do that good a job of resolving feelings, esp when they were emotionally open and involved with somebody else in a relationship THEY considered serious....they tend to try to cut things off and cover up and pretend they are okay when they are really not...he still has unresolved issues with his ex....whether they get back together or not is not the case, resolving whats between them is what is...or at least resolving it for himself.....

its going to be really hard having the mindset of not wanting a relationship with somebody, yet wanting to have sex with them and getting attached to them to the point where after a few weeks you are headed for a spiral of hurt and pain over it...

what you described above on his part can easily fall into the lines of what a "casual" relationship is...which means pretty much he/you can do pretty much what the other pleases...including flirting or spending days without you and not calling you and so forth, or even explaining n e thing if one doesn't feel like it....it seems like you can't handle what you signed up for and may need to take a ME break

you may just be filling a void at this point, which is a good reason why attachment builds really easily and you feel like you "need" that person to keep filling it...and it has nothing to do with who he is as a person, because anybody could fill it, you just desperately try to hold onto whoever is doing it for no other reason than u don't want to feel that emptiness again

are you completely over your ex??

 

[Klutzie]

A lot of chicks get caught up and way more emotionally attached to a guy when sex is in the picture....focusing on school is always a good option.

BTW dating dosent always have to included having sex (sometimes it makes things more complicated)

I do understand that dating is a part of being in college... However, i think that you should make sure that you feel confident and are personally okay with whatever dating situation you decided that you want to engage in.

 

[Theo]

I think you should maybe back off and give yourself time to figure out whether you really even like this guy or not.

I see that he does nice things for you, but are you and him compatible outside of sex? Personally, I've been in a situation where I thought I was experiencing a real live whirlwind romance, but once I took a step back back and a deeper look, I realized I didn't even like dude like that. I was just bored/lonely and filling a void.

 

[Blossssom]

Is Dan white?

Anyway, if I were you, at your age up until the age of 40 (things change as the years go by ), I wouldn't have sex with a guy until he has paid $300 on me and that's a "fee" that is a met before each and every sexual encounter... that way, you never wonder if you're being used for sex or taken advantage of, and you never have to worry about catching "feelings" for him.

Just my advice...

 

[sr24]

^@#!@

 

[Bunny77]

youve pretty much answered your own question. my advice? just focus on school and give dating a rest... at least for the rest of the semster

I agree. I'd cut things off with Dan completely.

It sounds like you're still rebounding after breaking up with the first guy, and this practice of jumping to different guys and sleeping with them so soon in the process is not healthy. I do understand that the attention is nice and that it feels good to have these guys do nice things for you and say things that make you feel good, but you can still be around men and not sleep with them. The fact that you're having sex with them and barely know them though is not a good look at all -- please don't fall in to the trap that happens to a number of women after they lose their virginity... just because you're no longer with your "first" doesn't mean that you can't still be selective about your partners. You don't need to sleep with every man who's nice to you or gives you butterflies.

That's why I think you need to just make a clean break from Dan. He's rebounding, you're rebounding and this is all turning into a big mess. Take time to heal from your first relationship (and the other one) and don't keep complicating this by adding more men and more issues to the mix.

Have "fun" in ways that don't involve sex.

 

[isawstars]

are you completely over your ex??

Yes, I'm over my ex. I broke up with him twice. The first time was in August and when he convinced me we should get back together in October I still felt no attachment to him. It was a tough relationship and he was very possessive so that's why I don't want to get in another relationship anytime soon. I like being able to do what I want. Sometimes I miss having someone who always understands me but most of the time I'm completely fine. I'm happier now than when I was in a relationship with my ex!

 

[Blossssom]

Also, Star, the "fee" route gives you plenty of time to truly get to know the guy if he's a man on a modest income. By the time he meets "the fee", you may realize you don't even want him like that and ask him to step to the side! LOL!

Of course, the "fee" is based on the man's income. If we're talking Bill Gates, it's $100,000k

 

[GeorginaSparks]

dont listen to her ^^^^

anyway, him trying to have sex with you only 5 days after knowing you should be a deal breaker. the fact that he thinks you would give it up that easy pisses me off. pleas stop all contact from this guy and IGNORE him every single time you see him on campus. You dont have to sleep with a guy to show him that you like him!

 

[Blossssom]

dont listen to her ^^^^

anyway, him trying to have sex with you only 5 days after knowing you should be a deal breaker. the fact that he thinks you would give it up that easy pisses me off. pleas stop all contact from this guy and IGNORE him every single time you see him on campus. You dont have to sleep with a guy to show him that you like him!

Yea, don't listen to me

Just be another unpaid whore like the rest of 'em

 

[Magnolia85]

dont listen to her ^^^^

anyway, him trying to have sex with you only 5 days after knowing you should be a deal breaker. the fact that he thinks you would give it up that easy pisses me off. pleas stop all contact from this guy and IGNORE him every single time you see him on campus. You dont have to sleep with a guy to show him that you like him!

There it is! Save your goodies for someone who is deserving of you.

 

[vivEz daNs lamouR]

Yea, don't listen to me

Just be another unpaid whore like the rest of 'em

YOU ARE CRAZY!!

 

[Blossssom]

YOU ARE CRAZY!!

 

[firecracker]

Whatever you do don't go sucking and pucking yt boy dangalang fo nothin and end up working at Nordies on the broke tip. LOL Try to focus on school and platonic male relationships.

 

[Spongie Bloom]

IA with Bunny take time out to be on yourself and witness how much you have changd and so on since your relationship Yes u say you have gotten over him but he was your first and that changes a lot of things im not saying you want to be with him im saying see how being with him has changed for you!! Sex comes with a lot of responsibility and there is a lot attached to it the intimacy and all that surrounds it is something you can miss and then fall into the trap of jumping into bed with any other guy who is nice to you. You need to define what sex means to you and please get to know guys before jumping into bed with them. Just cause a guy wants sex only doesnt necessarily mean he will be horrible or not treat a girl nice so give them more time to prove themselves worthy

 

[SouthernJewel]

Simple:

If you can't handle the fcuk buddy situation, don't do it! From your post, you are not the type of person who can handle this. Unattached Sex doesn't mean shyt to a man except...SEX. He is taking this relationship for what it is...

And Yes! Sex can make things complicated, if you LET it...

 

[Blossssom]

Whatever you do don't go sucking and pucking yt boy dangalang fo nothin and end up working at Nordies on the broke tip. LOL Try to focus on school and platonic male relationships.

I hate you!

Where have you been anyway?

I put an "APB" out on you the other week!

Lemme know how you're doing

 

[Blossssom]

Simple:

If you can't handle the fcuk buddy situation, don't do it! From your post, you are not the type of person who can handle this. Unattached Sex doesn't mean shyt to a man except...SEX. He is taking this relationship for what it is...

And Yes! Sex can make things complicated, if you LET it...

Right... this is where I went afoul as well, SJ...

I let it go, though, and now I'm back to my "old self"

Everything you said is true. Few women can handle a f**k buddy situation and leave it at that.

In time, she will want more than that, and that is what happened to me. When I didn't get "more", I wanted "less"...

Just make sure you get something out of a relationship other than a good f**k because there is more to a relationship than just that.

That's my whole point in my prior post about "$300".

 

[firecracker]

I hate you!

Where have you been anyway?

I put an "APB" out on you the other week!

Lemme know how you're doing

Hey you I tried to find your number weeks ago when you were on haitus. I thought tarzan roped yo butt up on a tree and I was gon have to come find his butt. I've been ok. I got that smile hooked up, taking spanish class and working like a hebrew slave for overtime. I was in your neck of the woods a few weeks b4 xmas. I'm coming back in a few weeks. I'm gon pm you in 2n2.

 

[sharentu]

if you dont mind being used to fill a void for sex, keep seeing him. if you dont want to be used like that, cut this off. he may be attracted to you right now but its seems to be more lust than like. you really need to take time to get yourself together or you will continue to have false steps.

 

[Blossssom]

Hey you I tried to find your number weeks ago when you were on haitus. I thought tarzan roped yo butt up on a tree and I was gon have to come find his butt. I've been ok. I got that smile hooked up, taking spanish class and working like a hebrew slave for overtime. I was in your neck of the woods a few weeks b4 xmas. I'm coming back in a few weeks. I'm gon pm you in 2n2.

A Hebrew slave? LOL!

Yea, I let "Tarzan" a$$ go! He wasn't cooperating, and I got tired of him checking out other women when we went out.

It just wasn't going right... good sex, but I wanted to "love" this man, and he wasn't interested... even though, like men do, he pretended he could and would... just lied.

Anyway, I'll shoot you my number! I've changed my number anyway, so it wouldn't have mattered if you found it or not!

 

[isawstars]

This might be a dumb question... but is he still considered a "***k buddy" even if we spend all day together just hanging out and not doing anything sexual?

 

[lexi08]

deleted post

 

[lexi08]

In my opinion yes only if you were having sex. Do you think he would still hang with you if no sex was involved?


Why are you spending ALL DAY with him hanging out? [/QUOTE]

 

[tiara76]

This might be a dumb question... but is he still considered a "***k buddy" even if we spend all day together just hanging out and not doing anything sexual?

I personally didn't use the term **** buddy....I wouldn't call you a booty call or anything of that sort, that is more the guy who u don't hear from till late at night and never has n e time to spend with u doing n e thing else and the only time and energy he will exert on you will be a couple of hours to satisfy a physical urge....hanging out, being nice esp after he got some wouldn't fall into that category...however you said that you didn't want a relationship I would assume in the ways that the average person defines a relationship (together, committed or what not)...men can easily like somebody hang out with them, like hanging out with them, like having sex with them and still not be looking for anything more....which is all fine as long as the female can handle that and is on the same page

The way he is treating you is not classic to somebody who solely wants u for sex, although he would like sex to be a part of the equation, however from the little you said just about how he was acting when he heard from his ex just means that even if you all were moving to something else (which u say u dont' want at this point) you won't get all of him until he deals with what is going on with him.....men like to fill voids too and not just sexually...they like to spend time and hang around people too....

your attachment to him is the problem and your confusion about what you say you want, which is what you are getting, but you are about to be jacked up over it

 

[SouthernJewel]

This might be a dumb question... but is he still considered a "***k buddy" even if we spend all day together just hanging out and not doing anything sexual?

Friends with Benefits. Booty Buddy. Casual sex partners. Pick a name, all the same... lol