DATING MY EX (SEMI LONG) FEEDBACK PLS!

[ctosha]

Me and my ex were going out for 4 years we fought alot more than the average broke up and got back together, we broke up 2months ago. He is 25 I just turned 27. He is mature for his age he has never cheated or anything. I know what I did and he knows what he did in terms of starting arguments. We have both admitted our faults for causing petty arguments. He calls me one month ago we had 2 to 3 convos and in the last one he says he would like to date me again for a possible relashionship with me. He also says its a big decision for him because he does not want to be arguing all the time and neither do I. So we have been dating for a month now. I was a bit pushy in getting back together but he says he is not ready now and wants to take it slow and that he is dateing me for a purpose and that is to eventually get back together. I am very impatient I know that and overall he is a good guy I have seen this with us dateing and taking it slow for the past month. I have noticed little things that were always there but I never noticed cuz of the petty stupidness. He owns his own home (moves in September) and has a gov't job. I must admit during our month of dating I was telling him all the time how I have changed Iam not into the foolishness anymore which I am not and how much I wanted to get back together. He says he wants to as well but take it slow and when timing is right. I didn't want the break but I feel it did help me in the end. I truely see where I went wrong and want a final shot at this. So here is my plan for the month of August: I will not ask about getting back together until the end of the month, thats if he does not bring it up first. I will not call as much or initiate any dates. He has asked me not to rush and I will not but I will not be waiting for any longer than the ending of this month. Three months apart the first month no contact, 2 months dating you should know IMO that is enough time.

Laides opinions please and thank you

We love each other so much he has told me it hurt him alot to do it but he could not take the arguments I see his point of view and he has told me he hears and understands what I am saying. Im really sad right now if we dont get back together it will crush me i can't even lie and say it won't.

 

[caltron]

It's good that you both seem committed to making this work. You both got together when you were very young, so maybe you'll be able to make it work this time not that you're both more mature.

I also think it's good that you're sticking to one month for giving him time to decide whether to get back together or not. If you two are trying to fit a round peg into a square hole, it's better to acknowledge that early on rather than dragging this thing out even more. After 4 years of dating, he should have an idea of whether it's going to work out or not.

Good luck! Whether it works out or whether it doesn't, it will be for the best.

 

[ctosha]

shameless bump!!!!

 

[Giselle685]

Me and my ex were going out for 4 years we fought alot more than the average broke up and got back together, we broke up 2months ago. He is 25 I just turned 27. He is mature for his age he has never cheated or anything. I know what I did and he knows what he did in terms of starting arguments. We have both admitted our faults for causing petty arguments. He calls me one month ago we had 2 to 3 convos and in the last one he says he would like to date me again for a possible relashionship with me. He also says its a big decision for him because he does not want to be arguing all the time and neither do I. So we have been dating for a month now. I was a bit pushy in getting back together but he says he is not ready now and wants to take it slow and that he is dateing me for a purpose and that is to eventually get back together. I am very impatient I know that and overall he is a good guy I have seen this with us dateing and taking it slow for the past month. I have noticed little things that were always there but I never noticed cuz of the petty stupidness. He owns his own home (moves in September) and has a gov't job. I must admit during our month of dating I was telling him all the time how I have changed Iam not into the foolishness anymore which I am not and how much I wanted to get back together. He says he wants to as well but take it slow and when timing is right. I didn't want the break but I feel it did help me in the end. I truely see where I went wrong and want a final shot at this. So here is my plan for the month of August: I will not ask about getting back together until the end of the month, thats if he does not bring it up first. I will not call as much or initiate any dates. He has asked me not to rush and I will not but I will not be waiting for any longer than the ending of this month. Three months apart the first month no contact, 2 months dating you should know IMO that is enough time.

Laides opinions please and thank you

We love each other so much he has told me it hurt him alot to do it but he could not take the arguments I see his point of view and he has told me he hears and understands what I am saying. Im really sad right now if we dont get back together it will crush me i can't even lie and say it won't.

Allow him to do his thing. He wants to be able to initiate this, without your influence to do anything beyond his plan or time frame. He obviously wants to be with you, I am sensing marriage (but I may be stepping out of line). Not many men would put up with lots of arguing. Many detest it. So he wants you, try not to hinder his plan by pushing him beyond his time frame. I am sensing a good thing here for you! Good luck!

 

[ThickHair]

Unpopular opinion alert. I think he is just buying some time until he meets someone he wants to get with. He knows all about you and you about him, why hestiate??? You really have given him all the power and he can do whatever he wants. Is that how you really want it? All he has to do is say jump and you will say how high. That is what I gathered from your post.

 

[ctosha]

Unpopular opinion alert. I think he is just buying some time until he meets someone he wants to get with. He knows all about you and you about him, why hestiate??? You really have given him all the power and he can do whatever he wants. Is that how you really want it? All he has to do is say jump and you will say how high. That is what I gathered from your post.

I have considered all of this I have ran every situation through my head that is why I will no longer wait after the end of August. I will not be waiting for much longer but this will be my own "internal timelime" meaning I will watch his moves and if nothing happens all he will hear is bye. It will be hard but its what I have to do Id rather be alone than keep on with this and I wont. He is hesitating because all of the petty stupid foolish arguments he really can't take it anymore its to that point. He has put up with it for about 3 of the 4 years. He is a straight up very very upfront person if he didn't want to try he would def. let me know. If I asked him "are you pursuing other women" if he was he would let me know. There are no secrets no nothing everything is out on the table.

 

[sky_blu]

Are you all back together out of habit or back together because something is there? Because after 4 years you know if you want to be back with someone or not. You've had 4 years to learn the in's and out's of them so to speak. Why does he need to date you again? People don't get brand new. I think you should just break up with him now and do you or pursue other people.

 

[Sasha299]

I say take your time. You've been together 4 years, yes he should know but if you have both been arguing MAYBE just MAYBE this taking time to date each other before jumping back in will help. I would also suggest that if you guys do go ahead an get engaged you should get premarital counseling. Once you have bad habits even if you are on your best behaviors now its easy to fall back in them once you get comfortable - if you get premarital counseling you could identify the reasons for your past arguing and get tools to prevent falling into that old pattern.

 

[ctosha]

Are you all back together out of habit or back together because something is there? Because after 4 years you know if you want to be back with someone or not. You've had 4 years to learn the in's and out's of them so to speak. Why does he need to date you again? People don't get brand new. I think you should just break up with him now and do you or pursue other people.

Something is there if it was out of habit we would have been back together already probably after a day after breaking up like before. That is my plan to break up if he is still undecided. I told him I will not date him forever. I give him til end of this month I will fall back for this month not be pushy wait and see if nothing I will not wait. At first he initiated but then I sort of took over b/c im inpatient and started calling more of the time and initiating doing stuff more of the time. I told myself starting August 1 today NO MORE of that. I have prayed on it, cried vented to close friends cried, cried, and cried so if it comes to the point I have to walk away I have done the crying thing. He was my longest relationship the first guy I brought home, the first guy I said i love you to, my first real serious relationship and the same goes for him.

 

[ambergirl]

I had orginally written something else entirely but as I walked away from the computer I felt like I need to come back, edit, and give it to you straight...

His indecisiveness is his answer. His not scheduling time with you is his answer. Doesn't mean that's his answer forever, but for now that's where he's at.

The best thing for you to do is to start moving foward as if that situation is closed. Not only does that best serve you, but if he changes his mind down the road, you can always revisit whether you want to be with him or not. And don't be surprised that when you start recreating your own life, you may find he's not the person you want to share eternity with either.

 

[ThickHair]

I had orginally written something else entirely but as I walked away from the computer I felt like I need to come back, edit, and give it to you straight...

His indecisiveness is his answer. His not scheduling time with you is his answer. Doesn't mean that's his answer forever, but for now that's where he's at.

The best thing for you to do is to start moving foward as if that situation is closed. Not only does that best serve you, but if he changes his mind down the road, you can always revisit whether you want to be with him or not. And don't be surprised that when you start recreating your own life, you may find he's not the person you want to share eternity with either.

ITA 100%. Don't wait around for him to make up HIS mind, you need to get your own groove on and get on with life.

Oh and guys will tell you anything to keep you hanging. You need to do you, because getting married wouldn't change the back and forthness (is that a word) of your relationship.

 

[ctosha]

I have taken all replies into consideration and I do not think I will be even waiting til the end of August as planned maybe 2 to 3 weeks and thats it. I just cant anymore its frustrating, im sad at times. I understand that guys will say anything to keep us hanging but my guy is totally blunt and upfront if he did not want to date he would say something. He is brutally upfront there are no games he was never about games. He just simply cannot take anymore stupid arguments neither can I. He wants to take it slow but I am not waiting forever I let him know he knows I mean it.

 

[ambergirl]

^^^ So why do you think you all argued all the time? And what's going to be different the next time around?

 

[ThickHair]

I have taken all replies into consideration and I do not think I will be even waiting til the end of August as planned maybe 2 to 3 weeks and thats it. I just cant anymore its frustrating, im sad at times. I understand that guys will say anything to keep us hanging but my guy is totally blunt and upfront if he did not want to date he would say something. He is brutally upfront there are no games he was never about games. He just simply cannot take anymore stupid arguments neither can I. He wants to take it slow but I am not waiting forever I let him know he knows I mean it.

If he is so upfront, why does he seem wishy washy on continuing this potential relationship? I don't get it. Why be on the fence now?

 

[ctosha]

If he is so upfront, why does he seem wishy washy on continuing this potential relationship? I don't get it. Why be on the fence now?

We have argued alot no exaggeration but it was more often than most should he put up with it for so long so did I and I can't take anymore either. That is why in his words "its a big decision" he just bought a home, I think he maturing and becoming serious about his relationships I think he is looking at marriage he said he does not want to live the rest of his life constantly arguing. that is what he said to me.

 

[ambergirl]

We have argued alot no exaggeration but it was more often than most should he put up with it for so long so did I and I can't take anymore either. That is why in his words "its a big decision" he just bought a home, I think he maturing and becoming serious about his relationships I think he is looking at marriage he said he does not want to live the rest of his life constantly arguing. that is what he said to me.

OP, it would be really helpful to know what you all argued about. In relationships where I had petty arguments all the time it was because one or both of us were not really wanting to be in the relationship. Since you are both each others first loves, it could just be a bit of restlessness about making a lifelong decision based on one significant relationship.

On the other hand the arguments could be showing potential points of conflict in the future. So if you're willing to share more about what the conflicts were that would be helpful.

BTW: I know these situations are hard, hard, hard....I've been there and truthfully did not follow my own advice even though I knew what I needed to do, which is why my advice to you has been pointed. At the end of the day, though you know what's true and right for you and should follow that.

 

[NicBenny]

I was in a relationship very similar to yours, particularly the arguing. We would argue over the smallest thing, it was draining. We did the break-up/make-up and we promised to do better the next time. And again we would fall into the same pattern. The love was there, but it did not trump how we communicated. In my experience, poor communication = a poor relationship.

I think he is hesitating because he is scared that ya'll will fall back into your old ways. I agree that men hate to argue - they seem to get overwhelmed a lot quicker by it than we do. Change is possible, but it is a process. IMO, he is unsure if ya'll really have what it takes to conquer the past behaviors; he wants to know that you REALLY changed, hence the take it slow part.

Alternatively, it can be what the other women said. I just think he isn't sure given the history. I think he is caught between, I love her but are we really compatible, can we really do this and this is why he is ambivalent. Generally speaking, women tend to be driven by emotion that's why you are ready to leap back in but men tend to be driven by logic so that's why he is unsteady. I noticed that once a jaded history is created, it takes time for us to recover, so we take our time the next time around, esp. men.

I think you can wait until the end of August, but you can let him know that you will keep your options open until you're both ready to get serious.

 

[ctosha]

OP, it would be really helpful to know what you all argued about. In relationships where I had petty arguments all the time it was because one or both of us were not really wanting to be in the relationship. Since you are both each others first loves, it could just be a bit of restlessness about making a lifelong decision based on one significant relationship.

On the other hand the arguments could be showing potential points of conflict in the future. So if you're willing to share more about what the conflicts were that would be helpful.

BTW: I know these situations are hard, hard, hard....I've been there and truthfully did not follow my own advice even though I knew what I needed to do, which is why my advice to you has been pointed. At the end of the day, though you know what's true and right for you and should follow that.

Very petty things such as him being 2 mintues late then I would be salty for the whole evening, Iam sometimes overly jealous when he would say he was going out with his friends I would automatically assume he was going to talk to other girls and/or have all the scenarios in my head. He has never ever cheated on me never gave me a reason too. Stuff like that. These things happened over the course of four years.

 

[ctosha]

I was in a relationship very similar to yours, particularly the arguing. We would argue over the smallest thing, it was draining. We did the break-up/make-up and we promised to do better the next time. And again we would fall into the same pattern. The love was there, but it did not trump how we communicated. In my experience, poor communication = a poor relationship.

I think he is hesitating because he is scared that ya'll will fall back into your old ways. I agree that men hate to argue - they seem to get overwhelmed a lot quicker by it than we do. Change is possible, but it is a process. IMO, he is unsure if ya'll really have what it takes to conquer the past behaviors; he wants to know that you REALLY changed, hence the take it slow part.

Alternatively, it can be what the other women said. I just think he isn't sure given the history. I think he is caught between, I love her but are we really compatible, can we really do this and this is why he is ambivalent. Generally speaking, women tend to be driven by emotion that's why you are ready to leap back in but men tend to be driven by logic so that's why he is unsteady. I noticed that once a jaded history is created, it takes time for us to recover, so we take our time the next time around, esp. men.

I think you can wait until the end of August, but you can let him know that you will keep your options open until you're both ready to get serious.

Thank you, this was really helpful. I have already let him know I will not date him or wait forever. I did not say "I will wait until the end of August" I am just sitting back this month. @ the bolded you hit the nail on the head with these statements.

 

[FlawedBeauty]

Sounds like you have trust issues. He must have done something for you to think he would be romping around with other girls, and if he hasn't then you may need to get some help for that. Also, you didn't trust him then so how are you going to trust him now. Did he think the same about u, that you were dealing with other men?

Very petty things such as him being 2 mintues late then I would be salty for the whole evening, Iam sometimes overly jealous when he would say he was going out with his friends I would automatically assume he was going to talk to other girls and/or have all the scenarios in my head. He has never ever cheated on me never gave me a reason too. Stuff like that. These things happened over the course of four years.

 

[NicBenny]

Thank you, this was really helpful. I have already let him know I will not date him or wait forever. I did not say "I will wait until the end of August" I am just sitting back this month. @ the bolded you hit the nail on the head with these statements.

OP, I've been there. I know this all too well. Give him a reasonable time to move forward, if he doesn't come around then you have to move on.

Hopefully, it works out!

 

[ctosha]

Sounds like you have trust issues. He must have done something for you to think he would be romping around with other girls, and if he hasn't then you may need to get some help for that. Also, you didn't trust him then so how are you going to trust him now. Did he think the same about u, that you were dealing with other men?

I was not dealing with other men and he has done nothing for me to think that he was doing anything. He has always trusted me. He would be jealous at times but it was just the usual when I would occasionally go out with my friends. His jealously was just the norm nothing serious mine went a little over the top. I feel like this break up has just allowed me to reflect and think about me and how I acted at times. I know 2 months is short but I feel that it has helped me just chill out.

 

[ctosha]

OP, I've been there. I know this all too well. Give him a reasonable time to move forward, if he doesn't come around then you have to move on.

Hopefully, it works out!

That is the plan exactly. By the end of August it will be a total of three months that we have not been together. Month one no contact until the last week. Month two dating now in month three still dating. That is enough time. If he were someone new I would give him the same amount of time three months to decide. I don't come out and say "you have xxx amount of time" its just my own internal timeline. If nothing is moving forward bye bye. It will be so hard but its what I have to do. I hope it works out as well.

 

[FlawedBeauty]

i didn't say you were dealing with other men. my questions were did he also think you were dealing with other men, like you thought he was seeing other women; and was there a reason you didn't trust him?? what you were doing didn't sound like jealousy, if you have scenarios of him running out to be with other women everytime he leaves it sounds like trust issues.

I was not dealing with other men and he has done nothing for me to think that he was doing anything. He has always trusted me. He would be jealous at times but it was just the usual when I would occasionally go out with my friends. His jealously was just the norm nothing serious mine went a little over the top. I feel like this break up has just allowed me to reflect and think about me and how I acted at times. I know 2 months is short but I feel that it has helped me just chill out.

 

[ctosha]

i didn't say you were dealing with other men. my questions were did he also think you were dealing with other men, like you thought he was seeing other women; and was there a reason you didn't trust him?? what you were doing didn't sound like jealousy, if you have scenarios of him running out to be with other women everytime he leaves it sounds like trust issues.

Sorry, but answer your question no he did not think I was dealing with other men or seeing anyone else like that. I guess I somehow developed trust issues b/c he did not do anything to make me alarmed in anyway. Im not sure where or how it developed but it did.

 

[ambergirl]

Very petty things such as him being 2 mintues late then I would be salty for the whole evening, Iam sometimes overly jealous when he would say he was going out with his friends I would automatically assume he was going to talk to other girls and/or have all the scenarios in my head. He has never ever cheated on me never gave me a reason too. Stuff like that. These things happened over the course of four years.

But why would you be angry over something so petty? Why would you be jealous? And what kinds of things would he start arguments about?

It sounds to me like you just want to get back in this relationship and fast....even though it's not clear you all have figured out why you were arguing in the first place...that always gives me cause for pause.

In any event, you know your situation best, but based on what you wrote, more soul searching about what both of you want and need in a relationship would be helpful before you jump back into that boat.

 

[ctosha]

But why would you be angry over something so petty? Why would you be jealous? And what kinds of things would he start arguments about?

It sounds to me like you just want to get back in this relationship and fast....even though it's not clear you all have figured out why you were arguing in the first place...that always gives me cause for pause.

In any event, you know your situation best, but based on what you wrote, more soul searching about what both of you want and need in a relationship would be helpful before you jump back into that boat.

You are right I do want to get back into the relationship and fast....lol.. But in all seriousness I literally woke up this morning feeling different. I just said to myself I will not stress and will let things be date and see what happens. I am not stressing anymore although my feelings have not changed I would love to get back together but will take it slow.

I have no idea of why I would get jealous b/c he really gave me no reason to I was feeling a little bit insecure at one point and that may have had something to do with it. In all honesty he would only start arguing after I would start something petty like my example of being 2 minutes late. He is a good guy I now realize that being broken up. I pray on it and would like for this to work out.

 

[Giselle685]

You are right I do want to get back into the relationship and fast....lol.. But in all seriousness I literally woke up this morning feeling different. I just said to myself I will not stress and will let things be date and see what happens. I am not stressing anymore although my feelings have not changed I would love to get back together but will take it slow.

I have no idea of why I would get jealous b/c he really gave me no reason to I was feeling a little bit insecure at one point and that may have had something to do with it. In all honesty he would only start arguing after I would start something petty like my example of being 2 minutes late. He is a good guy I now realize that being broken up. I pray on it and would like for this to work out.

I think it is okay to know what you want. Enjoy him during your time together, and don' t let your internal stress cause arguments between the two of you. Showing him that you can step back, be patient, and be as logical as he is, will help you, not break you. Just don't do the most, and be true to yourself, because he is definitely making sure he is covered, and you should do the same. [covered in the sense of, making the right decision for himself].

 

[lijm83]

You are right I do want to get back into the relationship and fast....lol.. But in all seriousness I literally woke up this morning feeling different. I just said to myself I will not stress and will let things be date and see what happens. I am not stressing anymore although my feelings have not changed I would love to get back together but will take it slow.

I have no idea of why I would get jealous b/c he really gave me no reason to I was feeling a little bit insecure at one point and that may have had something to do with it. In all honesty he would only start arguing after I would start something petty like my example of being 2 minutes late. He is a good guy I now realize that being broken up. I pray on it and would like for this to work out.

I hope this doesn't come across as being rude.

In my opinion it would be best for you to take things slow. It's good for you to set a timeline for yourself, but you come across too hasty. What has actually changed within you in the past two/three months? As long as you haven't sat yourself down to figure out the why of your jealousy and getting mad this isn't gonna go anywhere. I think your ex thinks the same about this.

 

[Giselle685]

Any update on this?