Dating/Finding Love as a Non-Pretty Woman

[Theo]

i think some folks just got it like that.

i met a girl a few weeks ago, very thin, dirty blondish ear-length hair, no make up, glasses, acne, and a face that vaguely reminded me of some kind of rat. i'm not saying this to be mean, this is really what she looked like. i'm trying to be as objective as possible.

anyway, this girl was like a tall glass of ice cold purified water in the Atacama Desert. she had men swarming around her. old, young, black, white, tall and short. all i could do is watch. she wasn't a looker but she oozed confidence.

i have a black friend like this too but she is actually pretty.

i'd like to agree with others and say step your hair/fashion/toenail game up but i see non-pretty women in relationships all the time. i guess my vote goes for confidence.

This post makes me laugh.

I keep hearing people talk about these ugly ppl who pull the cute dudes, but beauty is so subjective. You may have seen some ratty looking chick, but who knows that they saw. I say this because, honestly, to a few people, I think I may be that ugly who stays pulling the cute dudes. I'm kinda private about my dating life, but whenever I introduce a guy I'm dating to my friends, they are so surprised. Like shocked

Confidence is big deal. If you carry yourself like you think you're the **** (and in a nice way, not being stank), other people will start believing it too.

Lushcoils, you post about this topic a lot. I don't think there is some secret that the rest of the posters are hiding from you. You've gotten a lot of tips already, have you employed them? And if so, how has it worked for you.

 

[Oasis]

This post makes me laugh.

I keep hearing people talk about these ugly ppl who pull the cute dudes, but beauty is so subjective. You may have seen some ratty looking chick, but who knows that they saw.

beauty is in the eye of the beholder, one man's trash is another's treasure, everythang ain't for everybody that's all true. i just don't think it's as subjective as some folks like to believe. of course there are definitely people that find Rain Pryor more attractive than Halle Berry but we are kidding ourselves if we think it's going to be a 50/50 type deal.

@Oasis, where was the girl located where she had men swarming around her?

military installation.

 

[mischka]

I think for a "non-pretty" woman her best bet is to be flashy. This is a plus if she actually DOES have confidence but it's a great way to help fake it and learn it. If her face isn't the best she's gonna have to shut it down fashion wise. Sorry to say, but to be blunt if the face is unfortunate she doesn't have the luxury of being "comfortable" in her clothes if she wants to compete in that game and be on the same level.

 

[Theo]

beauty is in the eye of the beholder, one man's trash is another's treasure, everythang ain't for everybody that's all true. i just don't think it's as subjective as some folks like to believe. of course there are definitely people that find Rain Pryor more attractive than Halle Berry but we are kidding ourselves if we think it's going to be a 50/50 type deal.

Well, I wasn't there and I'm not going to discount your experience, but if men were SWARMING around her, either she must not have been that ugly or there was SOMETHING they found attractive.

Men aren't going to SWARM around something that they are not attracted to, in some way or fashion.

 

[Renewed1]

The bold is so true. I have a friend who isn't "dime piece" BUT she plays up her attributes and have the MINDSET that she's the hottest woman out here and it WORKS! I seen women try to get one "hot guy" and SHE gets the guy. Because she knows how to flirt and TALK to men, she's engaging and men find that attractive about her.

Right now, she got two guys vying for her attention and may have a third. She's not having sex with them or anything. She's doing the bold (see below). And I'm learning her tricks...
Crystalicequeen123 I've seen non-attractive and fat women get some HOT HOT men, as well. That's why I don't fret about trying to gain the attention of alot of men. I just need that ONE! (preferably HOT GUY!!)

But I do agree a woman needs to look feminine and exude confidence. We have the power.

Even if you're NOT what society would call a "dime piece", BEHAVE as if you're "beautiful" (both inside AND out), and the rest will follow.

Work on having a GREAT personality (which is something that even "pretty" women should have anyway ), good conversational skills, and helping a man feel his BEST around you.

I'm telling you, I've seen even NON-attractive women snag some good decent men. Some of the men are VERY handsome too!

I always say that when a man thinks about marriage or a long-term relationship with women, looks usually have very little to do with it. Sure, looks may get you in the door, but personality, inner spirit, and your feminine "essence" is what will lure him to you and KEEP you in the HOUSE.

 

[Victorian]

Be interesting and "refreshing" when compared to your competition, whatever that means for the particular context you're in.

When everyone else is being flashy and flaunting themselves, be serene and mysterious. When everyone else is going out of their way to show how nice and pretty they are, be off-beat and show greater depth. When everyone else is waxing philosophical about things or showing off intelligence, show yourself mentally their equal (never appear dumber), but be much more lighthearted and less argumentative/showy about it, as if you don't notice/think anything of your intelligence. When everyone else is being shy and awkward, be sunny and open (this is exceedingly difficult for someone of my disposition, but I proved to myself last weekend that it could be done ). Move well--be graceful. Exhibit naturalness and femininity in whatever you say and do.

 

[CarLiTa]

Be interesting and "refreshing" when compared to your competition, whatever that means for the particular context you're in.

When everyone else is being flashy and flaunting themselves, be serene and mysterious. When everyone else is going out of their way to show how nice and pretty they are, be off-beat and show greater depth. When everyone else is waxing philosophical about things or showing off intelligence, show yourself mentally their equal (never appear dumber), but be much more lighthearted and less argumentative/showy about it, as if you don't notice/think anything of your intelligence. When everyone else is being shy and awkward, be sunny and open (this is exceedingly difficult for someone of my disposition, but I proved to myself last weekend that it could be done ). Move well--be graceful. Exhibit naturalness and femininity in whatever you say and do.

Victorian: Love this Best advice yet.

 

[Giselle685]

Start joining groups where you can actually get to know people and they can get to know you. Looks are valuable, but they are not everything.

 

[lesedi]

very interesting thread
I have noticed that quote-on-quote regular women are the ones who seem to be in relationships constantly and marry early. All of my beautiful friends seem to struggle with men. Not neccesarily attracting them but forming meaningful relationships with them. A lot of men want trophies and want to 'prove' that they can snag a beautiful woman.. When it comes down to it though, i've seen a lot of men get quite insecure about their looks compared to their partner's...

Love to hear more responses

 

[mischka]

Is a "regular" woman the same as an ugly woman though? (Answer: not in my opinion)

 

[Bmack]

I think that confidence is sexy as hell. I dated a guy that was not at all attractive in the conventional way, but he had a nice body and was so confident. Honey!!!! Whew!!! knocked my socks off a couple times... you know what I mean.

 

[Flawless_JYM]

very interesting thread
I have noticed that quote-on-quote regular women are the ones who seem to be in relationships constantly and marry early. All of my beautiful friends seem to struggle with men. Not neccesarily attracting them but forming meaningful relationships with them. A lot of men want trophies and want to 'prove' that they can snag a beautiful woman.. When it comes down to it though, i've seen a lot of men get quite insecure about their looks compared to their partner's...

Love to hear more responses

I think what happens with the more beautiful people in this case women they sometimes think they deserve the top 1% just off beauty alone and it doesn't work like that long term. Of course guys want to bang them but we all know it takes (at least it should) more to stay with somebody.

 

[Glib Gurl]

I guess what I really dislike abt these conversations is that I often don't find the responses to show sympathy nor empathy... there are usually too many responses with: well I don't know what you're talking abt bc I'm blessed with amazing looks... or: yeah you're probably ugly... or: you don't have that je ne sais quoi, and you're not gonna get it.

*shudder* It's like a bunch of posters thrive on these threads to come toot their own horns.

I get what you're saying CarLiTa, but I actually think it's moreso people coming in with the bold response, but not the other two . . .

I remember reading an article in Vogue written by personal assistants of famous women (Halle Berry, Kimora Lee, Jessica Alba) about the things they did to strengthen their own confidence and feelings of attractiveness especially considering the women they spend their time with.

Syrah - What were some of those things? *reaches for notepad and paper*

Even if you're NOT what society would call a "dime piece", BEHAVE as if you're "beautiful" (both inside AND out), and the rest will follow.

While I *love* this advice, I think many of us struggle with the "how" of it . . . just how do you behave as though you were beautiful? Confidence (without haughtiness, of course) is key. But how else? I think THAT is what the OP is all about . . .

It's interesting because yesterday I was traveling for work and I always view that as an opportunity to meet someone. So, I had my makeup set, my hair did, nice outfit (comfortable enough to travel in but still showed off the assets). And, once again, it was as if I were invisible. Well, not entirely. The guy sitting next to me did get my suitcase for me at the end of the flight (typically that doesn't happen) . . . and I caught this little girl looking at me . . . in general, children only stare if they think you are really pretty . . . or really ugly ) And the guy at the car rental place did go out of his way to go fetch my car for me when I couldn't find it. Hmmm . . . maybe I wasn't invisible after all. Hmmm. It was funny though because by the time I got to my hotel room, I *felt* ugly and invisible. But when I looked in the mirror I was surprised to see how pretty I was looking. I guess for me it's about feeling beautiful regardless of what is happening around me. This is an idea for a great spin-off

 

[LoveisYou]

Be interesting and "refreshing" when compared to your competition, whatever that means for the particular context you're in.

When everyone else is being flashy and flaunting themselves, be serene and mysterious. When everyone else is going out of their way to show how nice and pretty they are, be off-beat and show greater depth. When everyone else is waxing philosophical about things or showing off intelligence, show yourself mentally their equal (never appear dumber), but be much more lighthearted and less argumentative/showy about it, as if you don't notice/think anything of your intelligence. When everyone else is being shy and awkward, be sunny and open (this is exceedingly difficult for someone of my disposition, but I proved to myself last weekend that it could be done ). Move well--be graceful. Exhibit naturalness and femininity in whatever you say and do.

Sounds exhausting though, why not just be yourself...

 

[mischka]

Sounds exhausting though, why not just be yourself...

I agree I liked that advice but it seemed to require so much premeditation and to be so calculating I probably wouldn't really know HOW to do that. You would have to be playing this mental game all the time that ends up being more manipulative than, like, the types of behavior you employ just as dating and being a normal person. It reminded me of the art of seduction - the advice and the accompanying explanations were good, but what would you really do with it in the end because it requires you to feign false personalities.

 

[sweetvi]

Syrah yes.... what were they???

 

[Victorian]

I think about it this way: Everyone is multidimensional. You shouldn't be trying to be someone else, or doing anything you personally find objectionable, you're just being more conscious and intentional about which dimension of yourself you show. In this case you are doing it in a way that makes you stand out in a positive way.

Sent from my Motorola Atrix

 

[Syrah]

Syrah yes.... what were they???

The things that stuck out to me:

- Unanimously - they kept their eyebrows done. They felt like they shaped/framed a face well and made them feel attractive without feeling done up.
- They focused on the art of conversation and communication. One of them recommended a book called 92 Ways to Talk to Anyone. Its all about the basics of "charm" for any audience. And when you think about it, working with these women, they're frequently encountering fashion heads, movie producers, marketing and advertising execs etc - so they ability to communicate in a confident yet unassuming/unalarming manner became crucial.

Umm...what else?

- KLS' assistant said she had to develop her own style. Many PA's in Hollywood try to mimic the style of their clients without realizing that they don't have the income/budget to do so, nor the free fancy clothes. Think Beyonce and Solange - for Solange to come out and try to be a glamazon automatically means she'll be overshadowed by her sister.

Really though, I think a lot of the things are basic. Being comfortable and confident in your own skin in ALL environments is something that few people truly are good at. I really think it starts there. And that starts with knowing what's unique/interesting about yourself and what you have to offer the world. Not tooting your own horn but recognizing what makes you shine and accentuating that.

 

[Syrah]

Its interesting to me that some people consider taking notes, pointers and incorporating tips into your daily life as "calculated" when the pros - do this daily. They even pay people to help them progress.

Charm is innate for few. For most, its a cultivated art/skill. And there's nothing wrong with that.

Mellody Hobson (Pres of Ariel Capital Investments and George Lucas' longtime girlfriend) said at a recent event that its something that they (her and George) decided to cultivate together ... because they recognized that the operate in such different worlds.

I find the ways of social interaction and "charm" very interesting.

 

[lushcoils]

It's interesting because yesterday I was traveling for work and I always view that as an opportunity to meet someone. So, I had my makeup set, my hair did, nice outfit (comfortable enough to travel in but still showed off the assets). And, once again, it was as if I were invisible.

It was funny though because by the time I got to my hotel room, I *felt* ugly and invisible. But when I looked in the mirror I was surprised to see how pretty I was looking. I guess for me it's about feeling beautiful regardless of what is happening around me.

See, now this is the part of my life that I'm trying to understand.

 

[mischka]

I'm not denigrating the idea as it would work for others. I'm just saying for me personally it would be too manipulative and calculated - additionally I personally wouldn't really feel it to be necessary. I can be calculated when it comes to being polite, tactful, sensitive to others and whatnot; I can stop and remind myself of behaviors and tips when it comes to something like that. But I can't keep track of all those tips and tricks when it comes to just interacting and relating with a person in general. If it works for others and others find it valuable that's great too but it's not something I would be able to do.

 

[lesedi]

Is a "regular" woman the same as an ugly woman though? (Answer: not in my opinion)

mischka not the same as an ugly woman but could potentially be a non-pretty woman. I don't think not being pretty means you are ugly. Some people are just plain looking.
Regular:Regina king
ugly: Tiny (a la xscape)

 

[mischka]

Does that mean Regina King is non-pretty

 

[lesedi]

Does that mean Regina King is non-pretty

to me? no, not really
She is regular to me. so is kandi (xscape/rhoa)

 

[mischka]

Regina King is not what I have in mind with this thread re: non-pretty. I'm thinking more like Tiny as the example of non-pretty.

 

[lesedi]

^^^^^
oh ok. Tiny got a good looking man, we should be asking her lol

 

[mischka]

Oh, that's an easy one. Get a kang

 

[Okay]

Take pride in your appearance. Be charming as can be and work on your personality. Confidence + charm goes a long way. Beautiful or not, still take pride in the way you look. Look groomed, smell good, smile, be charming...

 

[SerenavanderWoodsen]

OP, I don't know what you look like but I highly doubt that you're ugly. And simply unpretty can be made attractive especially to men. If all plain women didn't get men, well the population would be a lot smaller . I think you need to work on your confidence. I feel like you hide yourself because you don't feel attractive so you don't bother. Wear a little makeup, do your hair, wear colors etc and feel confident. Be as neat and feminine as possible.
You haven't said why you feel unpretty so I don't know if I said much relevant lol...

 

[racheljay1985]

My body type may not appeal to the typical male population but I never had an issue at attracting mates. Even considering how "womanly" my plus size shape is. In all actuality, a lot of women we perceive as beautiful are just plane Janes when the make up, weaves, and designer duds are removed. Of course, some are naturally beautiful but this isn't an extremely high percentage. I'd suggest someone who is plain or deemed as "unattractive" by society to continue on with her life, doing the things she loves, smiling, having fun. Believe it or not, men are also attracted to someone who exudes confidence, has goals in life, and yes, being easy on the eyes doesn't harm anything. I also believe in the power of make up. It really does wonders. Make up, confidence, nice clothing, and a knock out weave or hairdo can change any plain Jane into a women much sought after.