Dating/Finding Love as a Non-Pretty Woman

[lushcoils]

We all know that a woman's looks is her main tool in attracting men. And most men approach women based on initial physical attraction. So, if a woman is not a looker (facially and/or body wise) or appealing to the typical male population, she may have a harder time in the dating game because of decreased male attention.

"Unattractive" men can increase their wealth and improve their careers to attract more women. What should women do?

Personally, how do you or your friends (since many women here are beautiful) remain competitive in the dating world?

Other than looking her best through dieting, exercising, fashion, confidence, etc etc, are there certain strategies to go about meeting men (in real life and online) and skills that non-pretty women can use to attract men who will look past her physical shortcomings?

What do you (or your friends) do to remain positive and keep your confidence high throughout your journey to find your future love and not get depressed by your smaller pool and getting overlooked while out and about with friends?

 

[Krullete]

I have no firsthand knowledge of that which you describe; however, in just reading your post I see that you have already provided the answer to your own question.

The woman does not otherwise appeal to the opposite sex can do just the same as a man in her situation: increase her wealth and improve her career. Then she can attract the same sort of partner as the unattractive-yet-wealthy/powerful man -- the sort that cares more for her bank account and for what she can give him, than for her character, personality or looks. Why should only men get stuck with golddiggers?

We all know that a woman's looks is her main tool in attracting men. And most men approach women based on initial physical attraction. So, if a woman is not a looker (facially and/or body wise) or appealing to the typical male population, she may have a harder time in the dating game because of decreased male attention.

"Unattractive" men can increase their wealth and improve their careers to attract more women. What should women do?

Personally, how do you or your friends (since many women here are beautiful) remain competitive in the dating world?

Other than looking her best through dieting, exercising, fashion, confidence, etc etc, are there certain strategies to go about meeting men (in real life and online) and skills that non-pretty women can use to attract men who will look past her physical shortcomings?

What do you (or your friends) do to remain positive and keep your confidence high throughout your journey to find your future love and not get depressed by your smaller pool and getting overlooked while out and about with friends?

 

[MsGoody531]

lushcoils - This is a GREAT question! I don't think that I am unattractive, but I have always been the "Big Girl" with the cute face and smile. I honestly always thought my pool was small back in '96 when I was in high school because men weren't into plus size woman. However, I still kept myself on point and just did me.

I always told myself that one day God would send that special someone in my life. Until then I will NOT go around feeling sorry for myself and wishing I was like someone else because I found in watching there was always some drama. Chicks sleeping with the same dude then fighting to turn around and become best friends. That ABSOLUTELY was not what I wanted for myself in the least. So, I decided to not be desperate but be in waiting.

Now, that Plus Size Woman are IN its an entirely different ball game because now I have to check for Ninja's trying to get my Hot Pocket because they think WE easy!

PLEASE and NEXT!

 

[ladylibra_30]

FYI - Pretty women have men issues too. Pretty women have self esteem issues too. Especially if she relies on her beauty and didn't develop any substance. Then she has suitors who want to get w/her simply to boost his raggedy ego or knock her down off of the pedastal he put her on, etc.

Attractiveness is in the eye of the beholder...what one man may deem as unattractive is beautiful to another man. Take care of your mind/body/soul and have confidence in what you (in general) were blessed with. I've never seen an ugly woman but Ive seen plenty who could use a good grooming.

I've seen a heavy set woman with plain features bring men to their knees...true story.

PS - Men can pick up on vunerable women with self-esteem issues by the negative vibes and energy that she sends out.

 

[Skyfall]

She can appear to be attractive, make sure her overall appearance is on point: hair. nails, outfit. This reminds me of the baller thread, the black women in the picture weren't pretty but their hair and outfits were on point. and i'm pretty sure their confidence as on point too.

 

[caltron]

Even if a woman is not physically beautiful, she can be appealing to the men if she takes care of herself and does all of the girly stuff--hair and nails done, flattering clothes, makeup, etc. Men are not usually as picky about beauty as women are. I think any woman can attract a man if she just takes time with her appearance. What usually happens is that women who don't think they are attractive will just give up and not even try.

After doing all of that, you can then hook a man with your beautiful spirit and personality.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

If a woman *thinks* that she's unattractive or not deemed "worthy" by the opposite sex, it will SHOW. Whether she realizes it or not. Call it, subconscious intuition. You thought we ladies were the only ones w/intuition? Ha...nope. Men have it too.

So the first thing is changing your mind-set. Even if you're NOT what society would call a "dime piece", BEHAVE as if you're "beautiful" (both inside AND out), and the rest will follow.

Work on having a GREAT personality (which is something that even "pretty" women should have anyway ), good conversational skills, and helping a man feel his BEST around you. I trust, if you do these things, eventually even a man who wasn't even really "into" you like that at first will start to see you in a different light.

I'm telling you, I've seen even NON-attractive women snag some good decent men. Some of the men are VERY handsome too!

I always say that when a man thinks about marriage or a long-term relationship with women, looks usually have very little to do with it. Sure, looks may get you in the door, but personality, inner spirit, and your feminine "essence" is what will lure him to you and KEEP you in the HOUSE.

 

[babyu21]

Its all about confidence. I have a friend who keeps her self tight from head to toe all the time. I really don't know how she does it. She believes she deserves the best and she won't settle for less. I really admire her attitude and charisma. I wish I had it in me to keep my game that tight on the daily basis but I am just to lazy. Heck I am not looking so hot right now, but oh well. LMAO

 

[LadyPaniolo]

I think the ladies are right: men are easily duped by clothes, hair and makeup. They will THINK a woman is attractive even if another woman looks at her in horror. There is no reality- only perception. So once you can move a man's perception of your beauty, you're good.

It really amazes me sometimes, when I see women who literally make me physically cringe because of how unattractive they are, and they have married good looking men. What will make one man jump back in horror and disgust will have another man all eager So you just have to find the man who likes your features.

 

[MixedBerry]

I think the ladies are right: men are easily duped by clothes, hair and makeup. They will THINK a woman is attractive even if another woman looks at her in horror. There is no reality- only perception. So once you can move a man's perception of your beauty, you're good.

It really amazes me sometimes, when I see women who literally make me physically cringe because of how unattractive they are, and they have married good looking men. What will make one man jump back in horror and disgust will have another man all eager So you just have to find the man who likes your features.

 

[Napp]

no there isnt. according to the responses so far(and possibly ones to follow) you just gotta look nice and be nice and hope that you will find someoneone who finds you attractive.

 

[Almaz]

Mehh most of the married women that I see are regular aveage everyday women not dime pieces walking around iN Gucci all day. Some are downright plain and they all have husbands so people are attracted to what they are attracted too.

 

[gn1g]

Its really all about self confidence. If you have it you can have whom you choose.

 

[CarLiTa]

Conversations like this one make me uneasy... both because it's weird to read abt someone not finding themselves attractive and because it's even weirder to see other women egg them on abt being unattractive when these women have never seen them, all the while the eggers-on are making a point to distinguish themselves as attractive.

Furthermore, I personally don't believe nor condone the recommendation that less-attractive women need to overcompensate by being "on point." All overcompensators are blatant and look unnatural and, dare I say it, sometimes pathetic.

From my unscientific POV, and maybe I am biased, but I say carry yourself as a natural beauty would. Play up your best features naturally, without feeling that you need pounds of makeup, nail polish, accessories, etc. These things, ON ANYONE, IMO, suggest insecurity and low self-esteem.

And again, for EVERYONE, enhance your personality. That's something I myself would like to work on. I feel like I was raised to be an intelligent housewife but I'm not well versed on interacting and relating to men in other ways (like outside of being housewifey and being able to discuss certain topics). What I mean is that I sometimes feel pretty clueless abt relating to men on the topics and activities that they find/do for fun.

I think it is a VERY attractive trait to maintain femininity and still be able to reach into the male sphere in a variety of ways.

Anyway, my 2 cents.

 

[lushcoils]

^^^

I didn't see anyone not seeing themselves as attractive. I think I'm pretty, but to the average male? I'm not. Since most men approach based on looks, I think it's a normal conversation to have for women like me who want to improve their appeal. It doesn't have to be awkward lol, just acknowledging reality that a few of us may have to do a few things differently to get what we want. However, I do agree with not going over the top in makeup, weave, and clothes. That's not my style personally.

 

[LoveisYou]

Be charming...I get the sense you are an attractive woman....not sure you know it....am I right?

 

[CarLiTa]

^^^

I didn't see anyone not seeing themselves as attractive. I think I'm pretty, but to the average male? I'm not. Since most men approach based on looks, I think it's a normal conversation to have for women like me who want to improve their appeal. It doesn't have to be awkward lol, just acknowledging reality that a few of us may have to do a few things differently to get what we want. However, I do agree with not going over the top in makeup, weave, and clothes. That's not my style personally.

What do you think the average male wants and how are you not hitting the mark?

I definitely agree with wanting to improve one's appeal and brainstorming ways to do so. I guess what I really dislike abt these conversations is that I often don't find the responses to show sympathy nor empathy... there are usually too many responses with: well I don't know what you're talking abt bc I'm blessed with amazing looks... or: yeah you're probably ugly... or: you don't have that je ne sais quoi, and you're not gonna get it.

*shudder* It's like a bunch of posters thrive on these threads to come toot their own horns.

 

[hopeful]

^^^You seem to be reading a completely different thread than me. I think people in general are being empathetic, sympathetic, and helpful. I don't get the vibe you are picking up on at all.

 

[Syrah]

I think some of ya'll are reading too much into it. No one is saying they are ugly. Its just about recognizing that some of your friends/family members/co-workers are dime pieces and what you do to accent your own inner dime-ness that may not be obvious to every passerby.

I remember reading an article in Vogue written by personal assistants of famous women (Halle Berry, Kimora Lee, Jessica Alba) about the things they did to strengthen their own confidence and feelings of attractiveness especially considering the women they spend their time with.

Some people use their fashion. Others, their sense of humor. Their personal experiences (work, travels, hobbies, interests), athleticism, dreams, goals, talents etc. Their ability to listen (truly listen) and engage in conversation. Smiles. Eye contact. Dancing. Etc.

We all should know our other qualities...that have nothing to do with our physical features.

 

[lushcoils]

What do you think the average male wants and how are you not hitting the mark?

I definitely agree with wanting to improve one's appeal and brainstorming ways to do so. I guess what I really dislike abt these conversations is that I often don't find the responses to show sympathy nor empathy... there are usually too many responses with: well I don't know what you're talking abt bc I'm blessed with amazing looks... or: yeah you're probably ugly... or: you don't have that je ne sais quoi, and you're not gonna get it.

*shudder* It's like a bunch of posters thrive on these threads to come toot their own horns.

I don't know why I'm not getting it right. I thought the average guy is looking for a cute, healthy girl who takes pride in herself.(Correct me if I'm wrong).

I notice snarky comments to in these kinds of threads. It says a lot about the poster, lol. So I just try to ignore them and focus on the helpful answers.

 

[Harina]

I'm telling you, I've seen even NON-attractive women snag some good decent men. Some of the men are VERY handsome too!

This is totally true. I worked for a lady who quite frankly had kind of a goofy face. She knew she had a goofy face. I knew she had a goofy face. Everyone she met knew she had a goofy face. But her husband, . Damn!!!! He was gorgeous, tall, sexy voice, nice body. I mean wow!!!! I don't normally notice the whole discrepancies between looks as far as a man being more attractive than a woman, but in this case even I noticed. It was very obvious. I overheard way too many "Mrs. So-So must put it down in the bedroom" jokes. Like everytime someone saw the hubby for the first time. But you know what homegirl had a fantastic personalit, really infectious, energetic. She was really religious and was super into nature too. I never learned how they met, but I'm sure they shared some connections based on the last two things I mentioned. And yeah maybe she did put it down in the bedroom.

 

[CarLiTa]

I don't know why I'm not getting it right. I thought the average guy is looking for a cute, healthy girl who takes pride in herself.(Correct me if I'm wrong).

I notice snarky comments to in these kinds of threads. It says a lot about the poster, lol. So I just try to ignore them and focus on the helpful answers.

I don't know what men are looking for I asked what you believe they're looking for so that you too could be able to speak more accurately abt where you might be lacking. So... are you cute, healthy, and take pride in yourself? if not enough of these things, any ideas on how you can reach your own standards?

 

[ClassicBeauty]

I may be alone in this line of thinking, but most black women who maintain a fit, nice body and keep themselves up are generally attractive, barring some dental problems or bad skin (which are both easily corrected). We might not all be Hallie, but we're usually attractive. I think the thing that everyone should do is keep their body fit and keep themselves well-groomed. It really goes a long way.

 

[Giselle685]

Conversations like this one make me uneasy... both because it's weird to read abt someone not finding themselves attractive and because it's even weirder to see other women egg them on abt being unattractive when these women have never seen them, all the while the eggers-on are making a point to distinguish themselves as attractive.

Furthermore, I personally don't believe nor condone the recommendation that less-attractive women need to overcompensate by being "on point." All overcompensators are blatant and look unnatural and, dare I say it, sometimes pathetic.

From my unscientific POV, and maybe I am biased, but I say carry yourself as a natural beauty would. Play up your best features naturally, without feeling that you need pounds of makeup, nail polish, accessories, etc. These things, ON ANYONE, IMO, suggest insecurity and low self-esteem.

And again, for EVERYONE, enhance your personality. That's something I myself would like to work on. I feel like I was raised to be an intelligent housewife but I'm not well versed on interacting and relating to men in other ways (like outside of being housewifey and being able to discuss certain topics). What I mean is that I sometimes feel pretty clueless abt relating to men on the topics and activities that they find/do for fun.

I think it is a VERY attractive trait to maintain femininity and still be able to reach into the male sphere in a variety of ways.

Anyway, my 2 cents.

This is beautiful.

 

[CarLiTa]

This is fairly OT, but:

Is a woman attractive/a dime-piece because she got a man? Or does she have a man because she's attractive?

Seems like it goes both ways... we want to look good so we can attract a mate; and have you noticed that once someone has a mate, he/she becomes more attractive to the people around him/her? If it's not that her looks have changed, suddenly people start looking at the factors beyond physical or facial attractiveness... Some people may even think: woah, actually, so-and-so IS attractive; I never noticed!
Basically, back to square one with a different opinion.

Does this even make sense?

On another note, if a woman or anyone really is not attracting the kind of man/woman he/she wants, then there are various factors to consider (in no particular order):

...your standards for yourself, and whether you're meeting and not meeting them
...whether you can realistically attain your standards for yourself
...your standards for the person you want to approach you (in the case of women)
...your location (will these mind you want find you attractive if you're in a different city?)
...your self-esteem (relates to self-standards)
...your approachability: both in your presentation and whether you make yourself AVAILABLE to be approached
...probably etc., but I can't come up with anything.


I would find it difficult to believe that a woman cannot figure out why she isn't attracting the type of men she wants. We cannot all attract ALL men, and that is just fine. If any man ever gives you (general you) the eye, then yes, you attracted him So, if the guys oogling you (general you) aren't the want you want, then think about and complete this phrase:

I would like to attract a guy with [X] physical attributes (since that's what we're talking about here). These types of guys seem to like women with [Y] attributes.
I am not attracting one of these guys for [Z] reasons (some physical, some locational, some internal, whatever).

I would assume that a plan of action would naturally arise from that... and maybe I'm being too methodical about this

 

[Oasis]

i think some folks just got it like that.

i met a girl a few weeks ago, very thin, dirty blondish ear-length hair, no make up, glasses, acne, and a face that vaguely reminded me of some kind of rat. i'm not saying this to be mean, this is really what she looked like. i'm trying to be as objective as possible.

anyway, this girl was like a tall glass of ice cold purified water in the Atacama Desert. she had men swarming around her. old, young, black, white, tall and short. all i could do is watch. she wasn't a looker but she oozed confidence.

i have a black friend like this too but she is actually pretty.

i'd like to agree with others and say step your hair/fashion/toenail game up but i see non-pretty women in relationships all the time. i guess my vote goes for confidence.

 

[Lenee925]

^^^

I didn't see anyone not seeing themselves as attractive. I think I'm pretty, but to the average male? I'm not. Since most men approach based on looks, I think it's a normal conversation to have for women like me who want to improve their appeal. It doesn't have to be awkward lol, just acknowledging reality that a few of us may have to do a few things differently to get what we want. However, I do agree with not going over the top in makeup, weave, and clothes. That's not my style personally.

1. Get a better body, i.e. nice boobs and nice butt, small waist. Pretty universal

2. Make sure your hair is laid. A nice hairstyle is the best accessory

2. Get more money (not for him, to open your pool to more worthy suitors)

3. Get/maintain more confidence, in your head, make sure you think you're the s**t while being humble if that makes sense

4. Get really good at sex and/or cooking. BJs, a good sensual and teasing kiss, practice your kegels, sensual tricks to bring a man to his knees, learn to cook 3 main meals most men would like really well

5. Don't be a doormat. They won't admit it but I believe guys love a little push back. Not game playing or outright *****iness, but make them earn it a little.

ps. this post is a bit sarcastic lol, confidence is probably the only thing you need in reality.

 

[VelvetRain]

Wow some of yall are way misinformed lol. Carry on.

 

[phynestone]

Beauty is subjective and what women may think is attractive may not be the same for men. Both sexes are generally attracted to confident people and I believe it goes a long way.

 

[lushcoils]

Oasis, where was the girl located where she had men swarming around her?