Dating a man with a minor child...*rant*

[Browndilocks]

I'd end the relationship. You were able to actively raise your children into adulthood. You should be more than understanding that he wants to be able to do the same. You're not a good match for him. It's simple.

 

[sunnieb]

Wait I didn't realize that raising kids automatically meant that you could be exempt from being selfish forever? Interesting. I think different situations can make someone act in different ways... with other people's children.... but okay.

Was this in response to my post?

I didn't say that raising children means you are exempt from being selfish forever. I even admitted that I'm getting more and more selfish as I get older!

If you have kids, you know that raising them is a selfless act for actively involved parents. Totally. Dh and I have freely and willingly put our wants aside for the good of our children. However, once they are grown it's nice to finally get to think of yourself for once.

And as all parents know, just because our kids grow up, doesn't mean they are instantly out of our lives. That's why the OP is hesitant in my opinion. When you get involved with a man with a kid, that's a lifetime involvement. She's not going to magically disappear once she turns 18.

@ElizaBlue - keep us updated on what you decide.

 

[napbella]

EB,
I feel you on holding onto your freedom. That's alot to give up at this age. You are done raising your kids and if you pursue this relationship you may end up starting over with someone else's child. I'm 49 and I dated a man with a 24 yr old stepdaughter and he dropped everything when she called. Yea, that didn't work for me. It truly is all about me after catering to my kids and ex-husband for most of my adult life. The rest belongs to me and I don't justify this to anyone. You don't have to decide right now what to do but I hope your decision makes/keeps you happy. All my best to you.

 

[ambergirl]

You're scarying me...lol. My new found freedom of being childless might be at stake huh? erplexed

Ding, ding ding!!!!

See I think this is really about you, where you are and what you want at this point in your life not him and his relationship with his daughter.

You did your child rearing and from where you sit today you don't want to sign up for another tour of duty. Totally understandable, but it's one thing to say what you will or won't do when you're looking down the road at possibilities. It's another thing entirely to be in a loving long term relationship with a good man who is trying to do right by his daughter and making a decision about how you want to negotiate these relationships as you create a life together.

Who knows what the future holds, but if you're a serious relationship a man with a minor child she will be a big part of your life. You will be involved in co-parenting her to some extent or at a minimum supporting him in his parenting.

If you truly, truly can not get past that, then you really do need to move on. But if you are open to allowing things to unfold as they will confident in the belief that with love, trust, and understanding you and he can figure out a way to make it work, then by all means keep seeing this man.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

Nope, not tripping. The minor child will come first, especially since he is recently divorced and did not even want a divorce. He probably hates being a part time dad and now that he cannot see his child daily, it's got to be hard on him. Not sure how long you have been dating but he should not be introducing every woman he dates to his child.

DH was like your SO. We did not see each other on the weekends when he had his son. I did not meet his son until we were serious. Once we were serious, time with his son became joint time (not always but sometimes).

 

[Windsy]

I'd end the relationship. You were able to actively raise your children into adulthood. You should be more than understanding that he wants to be able to do the same. You're not a good match for him. It's simple.

I 110% agree with this comment....continue seeing this man would be a selfish act.

 

[Curlee_lurker]

My aunt was in a similar situation and I will honestly say that I thought she was the only almost 50yr old mom that would compete for the attention of a man from his daughter. I stand corrected.

Right now you're not included with her weekends because you haven't been introduced. It makes complete sense. She will know you are competing and when she becomes a teen it will get worse. My aunt married the guy and while she is happy in her relationship the daughter is making her life a living hell, rightfully so IMO.

Whenever my dad introduced me to a woman and she seemed intolerant of the small amount of time I had with my father I resented her and acted accordingly. How could a grown woman be jealous of the bond between a father and daughter? She will always come first because she is his child. I'd never be interested in a man that would be ok with spending time with me when he should be with his child. It would show me a lot about his character and a deadbeat is not appealing to me in any way shape or form.

 

[preciouslove0x]

This situation can't be anymore black and white. No offense.

Do you want to help raise another child at 48 when you are already *happily* done raising your own children?

If the answer is yes... then proceed with caution
If the answer is no... then leave now before the damage is done



Correct me if I'm wrong but I feel like the only reason why you haven't left is because your scared of going back to the dating scene. You are uncertain and/or doubtful that you will find another loving man like this guy. Just by looking at your small profile pic I can tell you are an attractive woman. Just by looking at your posts I can tell you are an intelligent one too. OP don't waste time. Know that there are better (as far as finding someone in the same spot in life as you are) things out there. And if you do think seriously about joining the dating scene again just be certain to do one thing... DO NOT find yourself reading some of these threads in the relationships forum. Keep yourself positive. I mean you found this great guy didn't you? Take a deep breath. Think long and hard about not only your needs but also your WANTS at this time in your life.


Me personally... yea it couldn't be me. Period. In a few years (if I was in your situation) I would be looking at having GRANDchildren at that point. That would be enough for me. Eleven MORE years of child rearing? Negative.

 

[sunnieb]

Because most men are selfish, even when they are good guys. He wanted to be with you and so said what he needed to say to get you. And men really "think" they can do anything. It's up to you to be selfish too and find someone who can meet your needs. He will never say I can't do this, it's too hard or stressful. Most men aren't that deep or self-reflective.

hopeful - I meant to quote you earlier!

The bolded needs to be highlighted. ElizaBlue did the right thing by telling him upfront how she felt about dating a man with a kid.

HE was the one who pleaded with her to give him a chance and prove that it wouldn't be an issue. Now he wants to get a little pouty when things aren't working perfectly. Humph! Who's being selfish here?

Why doesn't he just date a woman who would love to date a man with a young child? Better yet, he needs to just date a woman with a young child of her own. Their kids could play together.

My bias is showing again. I'm done.

 

[Kalani]

hopeful -
The bolded needs to be highlighted. ElizaBlue did the right thing by telling him upfront how she felt about dating a man with a kid.

HE was the one who pleaded with her to give him a chance and prove that it wouldn't be an issue. Now he wants to get a little pouty when things aren't working perfectly. Humph! Who's being selfish here?

I dated online and experienced similar (kind of) situations a few times. I would state clearly on my profile that I didn't want kids. I'd re-iterate that when things got to the first date stage and the guy would be like, oh that's cool, not a problem, etc. Tell me why dude would wait until later in the game when feelings developed to try and spring on me that he would like to have kids and he thinks I'd be a great mom, yada yada erplexed

Aarrghh! So now gotta go through the heartache of getting over the guy so I can start over again back to square one. Would've been better had he just listened to me the first time, left me alone, kept it movin, and spared us both.

Yes, I'm biased too.

 

[hopeful]

^^So He's being selfish because he is putting his 7 year old daughter first over a woman he's just met? erplexed

No, he was being selfish when he didn't bow out gracefully. She told him straight up she didn't want the complication of dating a man with a child and he insisted that he deserved a chance and it would not be complicated yada yada. Why not just say I understand, and KIM?

 

[sunnieb]

^^So He's being selfish because he is putting his 7 year old daughter first over a woman he's just met? erplexed

Was he thinking of his daughter when he begged OP to date him even though she was hesitant because he has a young child?

 

[nappystorm]

I guess he didn't think she'd have a problem with him spending 4 days a month with his child.

I agree. I think the OP is being absolutely ridiculous. 4 days is not alot of time to spend with a child but you're complaining? And people are actually co signing? HE'S the one being selfish? I can't with yall and this foolishness sometimes . Just end it and date a man with no or adult children. It's that simple.

ETA: Ole dude also gets the sideeye too because my father promptly dropped every chick that tried this.

 

[sunnieb]

Just because a man begs you to date him doesn't mean that you have to accept. Does she not have a choice in this? Can she not walk away?

I agree with you. OP started this thread to put her thoughts out there. She likes the guy but is hesitant to move forward. He just needs to recognize his part in this.

Who's not thinking of the little girl?

What's with this 4 days a month thing?? When you have a child, you are a parent 24/7. I don't care where the child is physically. I hope he calls her daily to keep a good relationship with her.


Sent from my Comet

 

[ElizaBlue]

I wish you the best ElizaBlue. Please keep us updated. Even with the headaches, your guy sounds like a catch. I adore my husband and despite the headaches he has given me over the years I wouldn't trade "us" for anything in the world. He is my other half. If it's meant to be, y'all will work things out. There is nothing like having a partner in this life.

hopeful Thank you for that. No relationship is perfect that much I know. At the bolded....so true. And that's the big thing!

 

[ElizaBlue]

I would not say I am 3-0 but I appreciate the sentiment. I just think I have a good grip on the reality of the big picture. He is a package deal but he made that very clear from the get go. I had absolutely no idea what I was getting myself into and I made that very clear from the get go. I had to become comfortable with the fact that anything can happen, including him getting custody of his kids. We agreed that we had to be extra patient with one another through the learning curve if it was going to work. For the most part he is a good dude but we certainly have our moments. But I am confident in who he is and confident in who I am. But this is me and my individual, personal choice about the situation.

I guess that what I am trying to say.... The bottom line is are you willing to be flexible enough to take on a relationship with the parent of a small child. I know a lot of women on this board would tell not to do it (rightfully so) and others will tell you you being selfish (rightfully so). All I saying is decide for yourself and make a decision you can be confident about.

daydreem2876 Thank you for that. We had this discussion...patience and time is what keeps coming up. The very thing I wasn't trying to hear or do...lol. He's definitely in it to win it....the very least I can do is be still and not make a hasty decision.

 

[ElizaBlue]

Hey lady I'm younger than u but I dated a man with a 5 y/o and I didn't want to deal with the child and liking him didn't make the feeling go away. Were not together and the child lost me as a friend/ role model. He said it effects her. He broke up with me so its his deal. And I met someone better also without kids, so the moral of the story is that I should've just left it alone. It could've saved a lot of heartache with me and the child if I had just kept that rule as a non negotiable

I'm on my phone effin up

summersoltice I hear you. It is best to not get the child involved regardless of how the two adults feel about each other if the feeling for the child is not mutual. I know exactly how you feel. You made the right choice for you and I can only hope he found someone as great as you and with the same honesty to bring into his childs life.

But you know sometimes great kids have not so great dads...and sometimes great dads have really rotten kids...lol. I'm glad you made a better choice for you.

 

[ElizaBlue]

EB,
I feel you on holding onto your freedom. That's alot to give up at this age. You are done raising your kids and if you pursue this relationship you may end up starting over with someone else's child. I'm 49 and I dated a man with a 24 yr old stepdaughter and he dropped everything when she called. Yea, that didn't work for me. It truly is all about me after catering to my kids and ex-husband for most of my adult life. The rest belongs to me and I don't justify this to anyone. You don't have to decide right now what to do but I hope your decision makes/keeps you happy. All my best to you.

napbella Yeah....my ex had a step-daughter that he doted over more than life itself. What bothered me most was the dropping everything and anything...he later admitted that he was still in hate (you know the flip side of being in love) with the mother and just needed to make sure the step-daughter knew just how bad the mother was.

That admission (3 years later) in itself made me pat myself of the back for ending the relationship. Who does that? So yeah I have a lot of comparisons with situations similiar that cause me some pause. But we call that baggage and I'm really trying not to cookie cut this new guy.

Thanks for posting.

 

[ElizaBlue]

Ding, ding ding!!!!

See I think this is really about you, where you are and what you want at this point in your life not him and his relationship with his daughter.

You did your child rearing and from where you sit today you don't want to sign up for another tour of duty. Totally understandable, but it's one thing to say what you will or won't do when you're looking down the road at possibilities. It's another thing entirely to be in a loving long term relationship with a good man who is trying to do right by his daughter and making a decision about how you want to negotiate these relationships as you create a life together.

Who knows what the future holds, but if you're a serious relationship a man with a minor child she will be a big part of your life. You will be involved in co-parenting her to some extent or at a minimum supporting him in his parenting.

If you truly, truly can not get past that, then you really do need to move on. But if you are open to allowing things to unfold as they will confident in the belief that with love, trust, and understanding you and he can figure out a way to make it work, then by all means keep seeing this man.

ambergirl Thank you for that. All that you say is true. I do have a lot to lose...but I have a lot to gain too. It's safe to say, though not very popular (here come the rocks) the mom is not being a very good role model right now. The reason the marriage ended is because he got tired of the baby waking up saying where is mommie. Then watching mommie come home from the club just in time to go to work.

Now I'm not here to slam the bio mom, but he thought it detrimental enough to the family to give her an ultimatum. Mom took it and bailed. I can tell there is a lot about me that he watches and has commented on that he wants his daughter to be able to do this or do that.

He has some very old fashioned values and believes that little girls need good role models. I think that is why this guy is so into me. I don't believe in children seeing parents doing adult things, talking adult talk and then laughing when they emulate it. That is not always the case with every woman who comes into a childs life.

So...yeah...I'm all for being a positive role model in any childs life. I've just got to get myself and my head to fully understand the trade off. And become fully committed to doing another tour.

 

[ElizaBlue]

Nope, not tripping. The minor child will come first, especially since he is recently divorced and did not even want a divorce. He probably hates being a part time dad and now that he cannot see his child daily, it's got to be hard on him. Not sure how long you have been dating but he should not be introducing every woman he dates to his child.

DH was like your SO. We did not see each other on the weekends when he had his son. I did not meet his son until we were serious. Once we were serious, time with his son became joint time (not always but sometimes).

naturalmanenyc Girl I had to look to see where you were...I thought you knew this man...You have completely described him...completely. It is very hard on him. We've only been dating about a month and talking on the phone about a month before that. Are you sure you're not in Texas...lol.

 

[ElizaBlue]

My aunt was in a similar situation and I will honestly say that I thought she was the only almost 50yr old mom that would compete for the attention of a man from his daughter. I stand corrected.

Right now you're not included with her weekends because you haven't been introduced. It makes complete sense. She will know you are competing and when she becomes a teen it will get worse. My aunt married the guy and while she is happy in her relationship the daughter is making her life a living hell, rightfully so IMO.

Whenever my dad introduced me to a woman and she seemed intolerant of the small amount of time I had with my father I resented her and acted accordingly. How could a grown woman be jealous of the bond between a father and daughter? She will always come first because she is his child. I'd never be interested in a man that would be ok with spending time with me when he should be with his child. It would show me a lot about his character and a deadbeat is not appealing to me in any way shape or form.

@Curlee_lurker Yeah...but it's much more complicated than that...the most missed point by some in this thread is that it was New Year's Day. This is not every day and certainly not everytime he has his daughter. I'm not that kind of a person.

Nor does age have anything to do with it. So don't think that is even a factor, many of the younger women in the thread have said the same. But I can see where you're coming from because you were that daughter.

And yeah that "acting accordingly" sometimes happen regardless of how the other women comes into the relationship. Daughters for the most part tend to be daddy's girl and could care less about whether or not they get equal time...they just want their daddy...and all his time.

My schedule for one does not permit me a lot of time here and when I am here a lot of my time is spent getting ready to travel again. So I take my weekends serious as does he. That could change depending how this turns out.

Thanks for posting...but it's not as black and white as it seems.

 

[ambergirl]

ambergirl Thank you for that. All that you say is true. I do have a lot to lose...but I have a lot to gain too. It's safe to say, though not very popular (here come the rocks) the mom is not being a very good role model right now. The reason the marriage ended is because he got tired of the baby waking up saying where is mommie. Then watching mommie come home from the club just in time to go to work.

Now I'm not here to slam the bio mom, but he thought it detrimental enough to the family to give her an ultimatum. Mom took it and bailed. I can tell there is a lot about me that he watches and has commented on that he wants his daughter to be able to do this or do that.

He has some very old fashioned values and believes that little girls need good role models. I think that is why this guy is so into me. I don't believe in children seeing parents doing adult things, talking adult talk and then laughing when they emulate it. That is not always the case with every woman who comes into a childs life.

So...yeah...I'm all for being a positive role model in any childs life. I've just got to get myself and my head to fully understand the trade off. And become fully committed to doing another tour.

It always comes down to the trade offs doesn't it?

Girl, you are not alone though. Most of the women I know who have grown children are loving their new found freedom and would have to think long and hard about reupping for that duty! And it may very well be a deal breaker for you and there is nothing wrong with that.

But with luck, with a bit more time it will be come clearer what the situation really is between him and his daughter so you can figure out whether it will work for you.

 

[ElizaBlue]

This situation can't be anymore black and white. No offense.

Do you want to help raise another child at 48 when you are already *happily* done raising your own children?

If the answer is yes... then proceed with caution
If the answer is no... then leave now before the damage is done



Correct me if I'm wrong but I feel like the only reason why you haven't left is because your scared of going back to the dating scene. You are uncertain and/or doubtful that you will find another loving man like this guy. Just by looking at your small profile pic I can tell you are an attractive woman. Just by looking at your posts I can tell you are an intelligent one too. OP don't waste time. Know that there are better (as far as finding someone in the same spot in life as you are) things out there. And if you do think seriously about joining the dating scene again just be certain to do one thing... DO NOT find yourself reading some of these threads in the relationships forum. Keep yourself positive. I mean you found this great guy didn't you? Take a deep breath. Think long and hard about not only your needs but also your WANTS at this time in your life.


Me personally... yea it couldn't be me. Period. In a few years (if I was in your situation) I would be looking at having GRANDchildren at that point. That would be enough for me. Eleven MORE years of child rearing? Negative.

preciouslove0x What an uplifting post. Thank you for that. At the bolded...this is my takeaway. I'm going to slow it down a bit and see what comes of it.

And you're right. I've dated quite a bit and find it very easy to find men who are good men and ready to commit. That doesn't make it easy to find the right man. This one seemed like such a good fit for me because in my world I deal with a lot of black men who though intelligent and accomplished are very intimidated by me.

This one could care less what I do in my day job. Lol...the other night we were watching TV in my bedroom and a glass that I had washed then stupidly placed in the dish rack to drain fell off and broke. Now from my room it sounded like a window breaking.

I reached to get my Uncle Charlie and he braced me like a three year old riding in the front seat...He was across my house and into the kitchen so fast it wasn't funny. We both love Chess and politics, but we have a lot of other compatibles as well. So I don't want to go back into the pool to try to find another him.

But I hear you on the negativity. I stay out of a lot of post for that very reason. And to be honest, I post and put myself out here on this very public site like this because I do want to give a different perspective to our sisters here that while it's not easy...finding the one can happen.

 

[ElizaBlue]

@hopeful - I meant to quote you earlier!

The bolded needs to be highlighted. @ElizaBlue did the right thing by telling him upfront how she felt about dating a man with a kid.

HE was the one who pleaded with her to give him a chance and prove that it wouldn't be an issue. Now he wants to get a little pouty when things aren't working perfectly. Humph! Who's being selfish here?

Why doesn't he just date a woman who would love to date a man with a young child? Better yet, he needs to just date a woman with a young child of her own. Their kids could play together.

My bias is showing again. I'm done.

sunnieb THIS! Yet another reason I didn't think him coming by would be a problem. He has done it before and let the mom babysit. What I didn't understand was that on the day before the daughter goes back to the mom the daughter gets very clingy.

He explained all that to me after the fact. The day he takes her back is very hard on him because she cries and pleads to stay. Even to the point of saying her stomach is hurting. This tears him up.

Had I known...I wouldn't have asked New Year's or not. But for me it was just status quo to what we've been doing. And believe me I am playing by the rules he told me would be in place. He laid it all out for me that we would have all the time needed and then some because he has a very strict visitation policy and follows it.

It was he who over the course of a month finally convinced me to go out with him. I just didn't know about the part of how hard it was those last two days for them to part. Now I know.

And you are so on point with dating women with younger children. He doesn't want that. I think...a little bit selfishly...he wants a woman who doesn't have young kids because he is not trying to focus on other kids. We talked about him wanting another child because he is only 40. He said emphatically NO. Not only no, but he didn't want other kids from the mom before they broke up. This one child is enough for him.

Now I have three children, who are very very close to me. He has met my son, but not the other two. Right now they're both just at the head nodding "whatsup" stage...lol. But I know he is sizing up my family for blending as well.

 

[ElizaBlue]

I dated online and experienced similar (kind of) situations a few times. I would state clearly on my profile that I didn't want kids. I'd re-iterate that when things got to the first date stage and the guy would be like, oh that's cool, not a problem, etc. Tell me why dude would wait until later in the game when feelings developed to try and spring on me that he would like to have kids and he thinks I'd be a great mom, yada yada erplexed

Aarrghh! So now gotta go through the heartache of getting over the guy so I can start over again back to square one. Would've been better had he just listened to me the first time, left me alone, kept it movin, and spared us both.

Yes, I'm biased too.

dtachi I don't know why your post made me chuckle, but it did. I guess because this has happened to me more often than not. These guys want the best for their kids too and recognize a good woman when they encounter one. Who wouldn't want to pick the best for them and their child thinking that well my child will grow on her?

When I've encountered the guys with two or more, I just took a full pass and moved on. This one...I don't know...he got me with the Chess playing...and then moved in for the kill...lol. His personality is almost mirror image to mine.

 

[preciouslove0x]

^^^ also the reason why I think it comes down to that question is b/c the other posts helped you already realize that he's just overcompensating (time with his daughter) at this point (since the actual divorce for him made the separation feel *real* and final possibly).

I do understand that you are in a tight spot right now. And I do understand why you wouldn't want to cut and run just yet. I just hope all of the best for you. As far as slowing down... I would have a serious talk with him about your wants and needs in this relationship. I would also sit down and talk to him about what he feels his future looks like with you in it (including your role in his daughter's life and his role in his daughter's life). I think I missed how long you guys have been together. But from what he says in the conversation about his future, I would then think about non-exclusive dating as a possibility... Good luck.

 

[ElizaBlue]

No, he was being selfish when he didn't bow out gracefully. She told him straight up she didn't want the complication of dating a man with a child and he insisted that he deserved a chance and it would not be complicated yada yada. Why not just say I understand, and KIM?

Was he thinking of his daughter when he begged OP to date him even though she was hesitant because he has a young child?

I guess he didn't think she'd have a problem with him spending 4 days a month with his child.

I agree. I think the OP is being absolutely ridiculous. 4 days is not alot of time to spend with a child but you're complaining? And people are actually co signing? HE'S the one being selfish? I can't with yall and this foolishness sometimes . Just end it and date a man with no or adult children. It's that simple.

ETA: Ole dude also gets the sideeye too because my father promptly dropped every chick that tried this.

Yeah I guess it doesn't matter that this little girl might miss out on a relationship with her dad. As long as the woman's happy that's all that matters. This is not an attack on you Eliza, but it's upsetting that no one is thinking about the little girl. She only has 4 days with her dad for goodness sake. She didn't spend Christmas with her dad because he was with you. Then you wanted to take him away from her on New year's day too?

I agree with you. OP started this thread to put her thoughts out there. She likes the guy but is hesitant to move forward. He just needs to recognize his part in this.

Who's not thinking of the little girl?

What's with this 4 days a month thing?? When you have a child, you are a parent 24/7. I don't care where the child is physically. I hope he calls her daily to keep a good relationship with her.


Sent from my Comet

@sunnieb @Zuleika @nappystorm @hopeful You know ladies, I posted not to dredge up feelings for those of you whose fathers dated while you were young. I can understand how this post might make you feel some way because you were that little girl.

I didn't experience that because my mom and dad were married 65 years before they passed. But my heart goes out to you. Let me say this...I'm not a mean, evil or selfish person. I'm a woman and these as Ledisi sings are the pieces of me...yes I want my man's attention and well I should.

I could have walked away and so could he. He persisted and I was sticking around while he persisted. So here we are. He assured me his child would not be an issue. Spent a little over a month telling me how disciplined, well mannered, respectful and great she was. At times embarassing to me because who wants to feel like someone is convincing you to date them in spite of having a child.

After a while...I said WTH and we started going out. @Zuleika you are incorrect. He did not spend Christmas with me instead of her. Go back and read my post. You misquoted it before and I corrected you. The child was out of the state. And on Christmas day he returned to Houston to be with his parents and siblings. I took no "special" time away from his daughter.

Again people and I won't reference this again...I only wanted him to stop by for a few minutes to say Happy New Year....not spend the weekend with me. Does it really make some of you feel better to try to make me out to be the bad guy. Hey look ladies it's wasn't me waaaayyy back then. Okay?

I'm sorry your dad's girlfriends or potential girlfriends or your dad even put you in that position but this is not that case. I can tell some of you are very hurt by what happened to you and still are harboring those ill feelings. Let it go...for your sake.

Anyone on this site whose been around for a while knows my heart and pretty much how I think about children. Here's a little known fact you may not know. My two youngest kids dad had 5 kids when I met him. Over the course of a year, the mom gave us all 5 of the kids. Even the one who was not his. Guess what...I did that. The mom thought and stated oh since you want to have a baby from him take all his kids. I didn't have a choice she dropped them off at our doorstep.

I only kept them 6 months before she realized her child support went with the kids and she came back and got them. To this day, everyone last one of those kids but for one (he killed himself upon returning from Iraq) calls me mama. And I literally have to peel them off me when I see them.

Those kids adore me and but for the mom coming to get them I would have kept them. Hey I was 24 then...big difference now...lol. But I only share this with you so that you have a full picture of who and how you think I am. Not trying to change your opinion just giving you some additional information.

Let me add, I mentioned you to try to gather all the post together regarding who was being selfish...not because it necessarily pertained to your situation...and I probably left a few out. Now to my update post.

 

[ElizaBlue]

Okay ladies...I hope I either thanked or commented on everyone's posts. I appreciate all your comments even the opposing positions. You took the time to read my original post and to give a thought. I thank you for that.

Here is your update. He took the daughter home Monday evening and then came over. We talked for quite some time. He explained to me how the day before he takes her home it's all about her because it's very hard for both of them the next day. I get that.

He explained she has very physical withdrawals when it's time to go back to her mom. We even talked about how he had the pedi Dr. talk to her because he thought there might be some reason she so vehemently hated to go home. She was checked out and while not being abused, they determined she just doesn't want to leave her dad and all her cousins. Hey it's fun at grandmas's house when everyone is hanging out.

A big part of it was because she felt like he had no one but her and she felt really bad leaving him alone. It was then that he decided his daughter needed to see that he wasn't all alone everytime she left. This child was worried about her dad being lonely. Still she gets weepy when it's time to go home.

She knows mom is okay, mom has a life. But in his words, not mine...daddy has been home alone the last 52 Fridays of the year when not with her. We have seen 4 movies since we started dating. These have been the first adult movies in a theater, he's seen since he became single.

He is just too happy to be in adult company that he feels is sustainable. Yesterday, he got off work. He stopped and picked up some Burn's bbq and we watched the Iowa Caucus together. We laughed so hard...I mean belly laughing tear wiping hard. This man and I have a great time together. And then I baked some cookies and he had cookies and ice cream. We just really enjoy being together.

I wish you could have seen his face when I later reached in my shopping bag and handed him a bottle of ORS Shea Butter. I explained to him how to use it or his daughters hair. He read the ingredients and told me how she didn't like him to comb her hair because he could only do afro puffs...one big one.

And then he leaned over and kissed me, it was so romantic and thoughtful. Then he looked at me and said "I bet you can do a twisted mohawk" What? I fell out laughing and he did too. Apparently this is a style his daughter wants and he can't do it....lol.

So I figure...we are walking toward something...I'm not running and neither is he, in either direction. Many of you have said patience...I hear that over and over and I get that. If either of us decide this is a no go...little mama won't be impacted. We will know whether or not this will go forward way before I open the door and find her standing on my door step. I won't do that again.

Well ladies...that's all for me for now. I wish you all the Brightest of Blessings!

 

[naturalmanenyc]

Nope, not in Texas but I have seen this play out.

A guy that I dated had a young daughter (4 years old at the time) and it was part of his divorce stipulation that his ex not move more than 50 miles away so he could always be close to his daughter. At the time the ex lived much closer. He had his daughter several nights per week and took her to school most days (picked up from mom). It was hard for him to not tuck her in every night when she was at her mother's. He is the one who wanted the divorce but he did not realize the ramifications, until later, with respect to his child not being with him daily.

I loved that he was so connected with his child, but in the end it was just not something I wanted to do. It was all too new for him.

Personally, if you are going to date a man with kids, I'd pick one who has been a single dad for a while. I think giving the father/mother time to get down a routine for the child and deal with whatever relationship issues that may be lingering is a good idea. Remember, he did not want the divorce so in this instance it is not only about missing time with his child.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

ETA: Saw your update that he has been single for 1 year. I think he is ready for dating, but just not sure about how to manage time with his daughter and with you.

I think it can work if given time. Good luck!

FYI: I am not a subscriber of avoiding men with kids. Some of them have proven to be great guys and wonderful fathers. My dad is one of them although remarried now.

naturalmanenyc Girl I had to look to see where you were...I thought you knew this man...You have completely described him...completely. It is very hard on him. We've only been dating about a month and talking on the phone about a month before that. Are you sure you're not in Texas...lol.

 

[ambergirl]

ElizaBlue

Aaaaahhhhhhh..... What a sweet update. He sounds like a good guy. And anyone who can laugh at the comedy of errors that is the Republican primary has keeper potential.

Best of luck to you and big hugs!