Dating a man with a minor child...*rant*

[InsertCleverNameHere]

To be honest I would have responded the same way he did. When I read the OP I was screaming no!!!!! In my head when I got to that part. You guys just became exclusive and you already have asked him to dump his kid for you. He's handling it exactly the way I'd want my dad, DH, or a man I was dating to handle it. He will see you anytime except when he has his child...sounds good to me. Now I can see how you would be put off by this as a minor free woman, but you chose to date a younger man with a child so...do you really want to date a guy who leaves his kid with his Mom when he's supposed to have her?

Agreed. It's only 4 days a month, so it won't kill you.

If that is just way too much time for him to have completely with his daughter, then you really should bow out now.

I'm vehemently opposed to this idea of him having flexibility on the few days he has his daughter when this is a new relationship. It's almost cruel to try to push your way into the very little time he is guaranteed time with his little girl. I think he handled things well and is ensuring that he doesn't damage his permanent relationship with his daughter, for one that may be temporary.

You agree that it is not time to meet the daughter, so all these worries about future integration seem a little ridiculous to me. At this point in time, you are handled separately because you are separate parts of his life. I would at least make it to the point in the relationship where you are serious about your future as a couple and are ready to meet and have a relationship with his daughter before thinking him unreasonable for completely blocking off those weekends.

 

[Sosoothing]

I think its simple. Are you fine knowing that you will be 2nd to his daughter? She is young and really needs her father in her life so you will at the very least, frequently be 2nd to her in your man's life. The answer to this should determine how to proceed.

He is doing the noble thing by caring and being there for his daughter. But if I was dating a man with kids, I would want him to be with me even when he should be with his children. I like my quality time and expect a certain amount of attention to be paid to me. Even though, it is a selfish way of thinking, I know myself and what makes me feel satisfied in a relationship. That's why I don't date men with children.

 

[ElizaBlue]

I was going to PM you on this, and still can, but to keep it somewhat short:

To be in this relationship, you will have to be a little sacrificial--even if your SO wants to put you first (and eventually he will), you will still often play second fiddle to the needs of a small child (and her mom). There will be times when he'll put your needs and feelings second to what's going on with the DD, or with the BM. It's not usually intentional--it's a difficult situation, and generally men make very compartmentalized choices in this area. I will be straight up and say that for this to work in the long-run, you will have to swallow some of your wants and feelings to manage the situation successfully. Other times, you WILL put your foot down and decide that xyz will not, cannot happen on your watch, and you will need to pull some face cards to get your way. You'll have to judge each instance on a case-by-case.

So yes, a lot of women do not have the interest, the intestinal fortitude for this sort of thing. And even those of us who made the decision sometimes question our rationale, our commitment, or our sanity. But it's also a real growth experience. You can learn true patience, true empathy, and really putting someone else's stuff before yours. You learn how to make yourself happy, and for sure you will have closer bonds with your girlfriends, and you'll need them to vent to. LOL. And there will be lots of good times too, with the kids and your SO. When your SO's DD chooses to sit on YOUR lap rather than her dad's it will make you smile inwardly, LOL.

The first year or so of these types of relationships are the hardest (the blending of the situation) but it rarely will become "easy-breezy" as the BM, the kids growing up, and your SO (and his families) attempts to be the "better parent" will all come into play.

So I don't have much advice on what you should do. It will really depend on your own intestinal fortitude for this sort of relationship, and how well you think you will manage your occasionally hurt feelings, anger, disappointment, etc. There are joys in this--it's not all doom and gloom, or even mostly doom and gloom. But it's also not the easiest.

Cheleigh Thank you and thank you for sharing...this posts has a lot of lurkers so I figure others need the advice too. Very good points.

The bolded is what I think I'm seeing now. He wants to look better than the mom. And I'm not saying he doesn't have a valid reason...but the little girl already has forgiven the mom and is more excited about her new blended siblings.

So he is not going to win points by holding himself hostage to a 7 year old. Just my opinion. And I know for a fact if I stay she will absolutely fall in love with my kids even though they are older, especially my daughter because she dotes on little girls.

I've been in blended situations before and now it's quite awkward because their dads and I broke up years ago but the girls still want to come over and hang out. I know me, kids have a great time around me...despite the fact that I insist on certain etiquettes and manners. Which I suppose could seem mean at first but the kids always wind up wanting to stay here and not go home.

 

[hopeful]

sunnieb What I don't get is why he tried so hard to convince me to even do this if it was going to be like this. And what I was trying to get was what are the ground rules. I just think nothing should be so inflexible that it's her time or my time.

Because most men are selfish, even when they are good guys. He wanted to be with you and so said what he needed to say to get you. And men really "think" they can do anything. It's up to you to be selfish too and find someone who can meet your needs. He will never say I can't do this, it's too hard or stressful. Most men aren't that deep or self-reflective.

@GoddessMaker Exactly...I feel like he is overly compensating with the daughter because of how the marriage ended. And not just about the visits...but how he took her on not one but two shopping sprees two days in a row. He told me she can't wear the same shoes two days in a row and that her mother is the same way.

He thought it was funny...I just stared at the phone and thought what in the world? If she thinks this way at 7 what will happen at 17...

I'm rather frugal and don't believe in kids feeling entitled to shop. Oh well...now to figure out the exit.

I've been married for nearly 25 years and my dh spoils our daughters the way way you just described on occasion. So it's not just about the divorce. Dads with extra cash like spoiling their daughters and sons too. Just because you think being frugal is best does not mean it is best, just that it is best for you. Maybe you two just aren't as compatible as you thought. You don't seem to approve of his parenting style which IMO is a red flag. I don't see anything wrong with his parenting or how he is approaching dating. I also don't see anything wrong with what you want either. You guys just don't seem to match up.

 

[ElizaBlue]

ElizaBlue,

I think you should make a pro and a con list about the qualities your man has because it is hard to find a man that you're compatible with and fit all the other things that you require. When dating you do have to decide what works best for you but you have to be flexible as well. When dating people usually they have something that they're into or takes up their time whether its a job, sports, friends, family or just a hobby that they love, especially as we get older.

He has more qualities than anyone I've ever met. It's almost like a bad joke...the one who has 90% of what I love in a man, has the 90% of what I didn't want. The 10% he doesn't have I can tell it's due to circumstances.

But let me add ole boy is a Scorpio and that speaks volumes...okay?

Just out of curiosity do you have a hobby or something else that you're involved in when he's not with you? He seems like he's also very close with his family so even if he didn't a child he probably would spend a lot of time with them but you said you didn't want to be in someone's house all day which is understandable.

Girl yes...a million. I travel a lot with my job, I'm up for a promotion which could cause a relocation if I take it (he's okay with that because I would be back in 2 years). I'm also the infamous LHCF writer Elizablue....I had to throw that in.

But seriously, I have a full life, which he very much wants to be a part of. He likes to be around me doing me...except when the daughters around..... Okay Okay that's not quite true....I've thought about it and probably owe him an apology for yesterday. These posts have helped me sort that all out.

 

[tinkat]

Isn't it a natural progression that when parents divorce eventually they will start seeing someone else. Am I tripping?

No I don't think you tripping...but....although he has been seperated for 2 years, he is recently divorced. I would be shifty about getting serious with him right now. He is probably still dealing with issues from the marriage. He has a young child, kids are smart and soak in everything. At this time it is important for him to be with active with his child. Like a OP said, you are both kind of at different paces right now. Its too early in the relationship for issues regarding time with the daughter honestly. The real question is are you willing to be patient and wait until he gets a hang of managing time with you, his daughter, and being recently divorced?

 

[ElizaBlue]

OP, It's possible that the bio mom is not that great of a mother and that at some point it would be best for him to have custody or be heavily involved in his daughter's life

If you're not interested in being involved in raising her or recognizing that for him, she will come first a lot of the time, then you should end it.

You're scarying me...lol. My new found freedom of being childless might be at stake huh? erplexed

 

[ElizaBlue]

Agreed. It's only 4 days a month, so it won't kill you.

If that is just way too much time for him to have completely with his daughter, then you really should bow out now.

I'm vehemently opposed to this idea of him having flexibility on the few days he has his daughter when this is a new relationship. It's almost cruel to try to push your way into the very little time he is guaranteed time with his little girl. I think he handled things well and is ensuring that he doesn't damage his permanent relationship with his daughter, for one that may be temporary.

You agree that it is not time to meet the daughter, so all these worries about future integration seem a little ridiculous to me. At this point in time, you are handled separately because you are separate parts of his life. I would at least make it to the point in the relationship where you are serious about your future as a couple and are ready to meet and have a relationship with his daughter before thinking him unreasonable for completely blocking off those weekends.

InsertCleverNameHere Thank you for the othe side. I said earlier in hindsight I probably owe him an apology for yesterday. He does have limited time with her. I guess I just was trying to make New Years more important than it was...maybe....jury might still be deliberating a bit on that one.

But at any rate, I do believe as time passes and we all become more comfortable things could smooth out. I just don't want him to think me and my feelings are going to be put on hold for the next 11 years.

Because the same flexibility you are saying you are vehemently opposed to...will certainly be called upon when it's not her visitation time. And I would be a truly evil person if I said no sweetie we won't be doing whatever because today is just not your day. That's all I'm saying but maybe it's just too soon for that.

And to be honest he is more rigid with the visitation times than the mom is. He only plays it by the book unless the court gives him a written modification.

Now the reason I'm so looking ahead is because he is moving very fast. It was he who wanted the committment, it was he who decided to tell the daughter about me, it was he who spilled the beans to all his family. And he's made it clear in several conversations that he doesn't want a long dating relationship and wants to get married again...soon.

 

[ElizaBlue]

I think its simple. Are you fine knowing that you will be 2nd to his daughter? She is young and really needs her father in her life so you will at the very least, frequently be 2nd to her in your man's life. The answer to this should determine how to proceed.

He is doing the noble thing by caring and being there for his daughter. But if I was dating a man with kids, I would want him to be with me even when he should be with his children. I like my quality time and expect a certain amount of attention to be paid to me. Even though, it is a selfish way of thinking, I know myself and what makes me feel satisfied in a relationship. That's why I don't date men with children.

Sosoothing Thank you for that and where have you been? I can be okay being second while she is young. My fear is that she is being allowed certain things that as she gets older will cause a problem.

I know that girls can be extremely competitive when it comes to their dads and he wants...no needs her to be a daddy's girl. He likes to brag that she brags that her daddy can do everything and be all places at all times. Well I probably would like to brag the same way about a husband one day. He cannot be all things to everyone...even if she was our biological daughter.

Matter of fact let's just say she was our bio daughter. Wouldn't there at some point be some expectations that her mom-his wife came first? Wouldn't there be some very definite boundaries too?

Does all this not occur when it's a blended family?

 

[ElizaBlue]

Because most men are selfish, even when they are good guys. He wanted to be with you and so said what he needed to say to get you. And men really "think" they can do anything. It's up to you to be selfish too and find someone who can meet your needs. He will never say I can't do this, it's too hard or stressful. Most men aren't that deep or self-reflective.

Dang...I done been hoodwinked

I've been married for nearly 25 years and my dh spoils our daughters the way way you just described on occasion. So it's not just about the divorce. Dads with extra cash like spoiling their daughters and sons too. Just because you think being frugal is best does not mean it is best, just that it is best for you. Maybe you two just aren't as compatible as you thought. You don't seem to approve of his parenting style which IMO is a red flag. I don't see anything wrong with his parenting or how he is approaching dating. I also don't see anything wrong with what you want either. You guys just don't seem to match up.

Well yes and no. He came over and told me all about the good deals he got and that the Jordan's she had to have she got, but that he made her make a choice between those and something else she really wanted. He too is spending considerate when it comes to what and how much.

Side note: There is a VERY big gap in our salaries. So I frequently and often make it clear that even though I'm here...I spend way down there. So I very very careful look at how he spends his money.

His parenting skills are very good from what I can see. He believes in discipline and manners from the getty up. That's big with me because I cannot and will not tolerate a mouthy child or one who doesn't know proper manners.

We laughed about how my kids and his daughter would be terrified when other kids acted up in a store because they didn't want to catch the backlash. No we are compatible on that. I suppose the shopping spree was maybe because of not having her on Christmas. But the everyday different shoe thing...no. If she's got it like that fine. But I won't be providing for 31 days of shoes for anyone.

 

[ElizaBlue]

No I don't think you tripping...but....although he has been seperated for 2 years, he is recently divorced. I would be shifty about getting serious with him right now. He is probably still dealing with issues from the marriage. He has a young child, kids are smart and soak in everything. At this time it is important for him to be with active with his child. Like a OP said, you are both kind of at different paces right now. Its too early in the relationship for issues regarding time with the daughter honestly. The real question is are you willing to be patient and wait until he gets a hang of managing time with you, his daughter, and being recently divorced?

tinkat Patience huh? Yeah...it's a big change for me too. So I think he shouldn't just expect me to automatically understand and fall into place. I need time to see how this all works and I think he needs to give me that consideration too. Well all need it I suppose.

 

[daydreem2876]

Agreed. It's only 4 days a month, so it won't kill you.

If that is just way too much time for him to have completely with his daughter, then you really should bow out now.

I'm vehemently opposed to this idea of him having flexibility on the few days he has his daughter when this is a new relationship. It's almost cruel to try to push your way into the very little time he is guaranteed time with his little girl. I think he handled things well and is ensuring that he doesn't damage his permanent relationship with his daughter, for one that may be temporary.

You agree that it is not time to meet the daughter, so all these worries about future integration seem a little ridiculous to me. At this point in time, you are handled separately because you are separate parts of his life. I would at least make it to the point in the relationship where you are serious about your future as a couple and are ready to meet and have a relationship with his daughter before thinking him unreasonable for completely blocking off those weekends.

Because thanks is not enough... I was trying to say this but could not find to words.

I date a man with minor children and I had to decide very quickly if I was cool with not being second to the kids but being separate from the kids (there is a difference). I went in with the understanding that his time with his kids was their time. We have been dating about a year and I have met the two oldest of the three children. The kids are aware of me and he talks to me about them all the time. But until we determine our future (I don't think children should meet every person a parent dates until there is an engagement), I just don't feel the need to spend time with them. The flipsde of that is I have to respect their time and that he is their parent first and his job is to protect and provide for them (he said that to me on the first date).

I felt like you do at first. One thing he said to me was that is you love my kids I will love you that much more. At this point what that looks like in our relationship, is that I respect and don't trip over him doing what he needs to do to be a parent. He handles all of his baby mama drama and parenting issues without stressing me out. He respects and cares for me more than I ever thought he could, I get my QUALITY time, and we both have grown because of it.

I will say I am single, 35, no kids, and no real care on the world. We have to be careful abut setting a double standard when it comes to dating a single parent, especially when men are trying to be good parents. I can honestly say that because I don't trip about him doing what he has to do be a parent to his kids, there is a whole bunch of drama and stress I dont deal with.

You just have to choose what is best for you

 

[Tamster]

This is incredibly selfish of you, OP. The little girl has little time with her dad, and you want to encroach on that?

I think you think you really are competing with his daughter... and thats not right. If I were bio-mom i would side eye that mess. You want him to drop the kid off at his parents and come see you? Why? Surely you can entertain yourself for a weekend without dude.

I think you are being a bit unfair to him, frankly, and when he was like "oh so thats how you are" when you asked him about it, that was a smart response on his part.... because frankly it makes no sense.

 

[ElizaBlue]

Because thanks is not enough... I was trying to say this but could not find to words.

I date a man with minor children and I had to decide very quickly if I was cool with not being second to the kids but being separate from the kids (there is a difference). I went in with the understanding that his time with his kids was their time. We have been dating about a year and I have met the two oldest of the three children. The kids are aware of me and he talks to me about them all the time. But until we determine our future (I don't think children should meet every person a parent dates until there is an engagement), I just don't feel the need to spend time with them. The flipsde of that is I have to respect their time and that he is their parent first and his job is to protect and provide for them (he said that to me on the first date).

I felt like you do at first. One thing he said to me was that is you love my kids I will love you that much more. At this point what that looks like in our relationship, is that I respect and don't trip over him doing what he needs to do to be a parent. He handles all of his baby mama drama and parenting issues without stressing me out. He respects and cares for me more than I ever thought he could, I get my QUALITY time, and we both have grown because of it.

I will say I am single, 35, no kids, and no real care on the world. We have to be careful abut setting a double standard when it comes to dating a single parent, especially when men are trying to be good parents. I can honestly say that because I don't trip about him doing what he has to do be a parent to his kids, there is a whole bunch of drama and stress I dont deal with.

You just have to choose what is best for you

daydreem2876 Thank you. I love hearing about these situations that work. Your guy sounds like a great guy and a great dad. I know mine is a both (for a lot of reasons) I just have to be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel and realize it's not always a train coming.

 

[ElizaBlue]

This is incredibly selfish of you, OP. The little girl has little time with her dad, and you want to encroach on that?

I think you think you really are competing with his daughter... and thats not right. If I were bio-mom i would side eye that mess. You want him to drop the kid off at his parents and come see you? Why? Surely you can entertain yourself for a weekend without dude.

I think you are being a bit unfair to him, frankly, and when he was like "oh so thats how you are" when you asked him about it, that was a smart response on his part.... because frankly it makes no sense.

Tamster Thanks. She was already at his mom's where she is every weekend that he has her, so there would have been no dropping off. It has absolutely nothing to do with me not being able to entertain myself without a dude...where did you get that from? I said it was New Years...New Years...you know the beginning of the new year?

And yes...he's very smart. He came to the conclusion this morning...as he was making little mama breakfast and she was trying to ear hustle the conversation...that as soon as he drops her off he'll be heading this way to hang out. And what do I hear the little voice in the background say..." I wanna go...where ya'll going?

He told her to eat her pancakes maybe the next time she comes over we can all hang out. Yes...we all want our man's attention...big small little or tall. We just have to find our comfort level...that's all...and thank you for your comments...much appreciated.

 

[chocolat79]

ElizaBlue, I just accidentally deleted my entire LONG post.

So, the short and sweet of it is, give the relationship a little more time. Dude has newly found positions in his life, his daughter's and yours and it's hard for guys to manage it well at the beginning. I'm not saying you need to wait a long time, but give him time to adjust without the stress of the holidays, to get over any possible guilt for him having "limited" involvement with his daughter, adjusting to a new relationship and so forth. His buying is overcompensation for him not being involved in his daughter's life like he was previously. It happens a lot with single parents as well as parents who work a lot. As long as he's not asking you for money OR you're getting the shaft because he's going broke trying to appease his daughter, just relax on that for a while.

Also, if he wants to get married and move forward as quickly as he says, then when he starts to hint at going to the next level, make your concerns known. You're in the relationship as well, so if you feel he's moving too fast, slow it down. Both people have to be happy with the situation.

 

[Tamster]

Tamster Thanks. She was already at his mom's where she is every weekend that he has her, so there would have been no dropping off. It has absolutely nothing to do with me not being able to entertain myself without a dude...where did you get that from? I said it was New Years...New Years...you know the beginning of the new year?

And yes...he's very smart. He came to the conclusion this morning...as he was making little mama breakfast and she was trying to ear hustle the conversation...that as soon as he drops her off he'll be heading this way to hang out. And what do I hear the little voice in the background say..." I wanna go...where ya'll going?

He told her to eat her pancakes maybe the next time she comes over we can all hang out. Yes...we all want our man's attention...big small little or tall. We just have to find our comfort level...that's all...and thank you for your comments...much appreciated.

shes 7 right? are you bothered that she wanted to come along?

 

[daydreem2876]

@daydreem2876 Thank you. I love hearing about these situations that work. Your guy sounds like a great guy and a great dad. I know mine is a both (for a lot of reasons) I just have to be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel and realize it's not always a train coming.

And just know, it was an adjustment for me as well because I simply did not understand the gravity of the situation. It was NOT easy for me but it was not easy for him either. This is the first time I dated anybody with kids. You will feel all of this things you are feeling and feel guilty because you feel that way. I learned I had to be a little more patient and understanding than I thought I should have to be. However, we are all human and there is going to be a learning curve involved.

 

[ElizaBlue]

@ElizaBlue, I just accidentally deleted my entire LONG post.

So, the short and sweet of it is, give the relationship a little more time. Dude has newly found positions in his life, his daughter's and yours and it's hard for guys to manage it well at the beginning. I'm not saying you need to wait a long time, but give him time to adjust without the stress of the holidays, to get over any possible guilt for him having "limited" involvement with his daughter, adjusting to a new relationship and so forth. His buying is overcompensation for him not being involved in his daughter's life like he was previously. It happens a lot with single parents as well as parents who work a lot. As long as he's not asking you for money OR you're getting the shaft because he's going broke trying to appease his daughter, just relax on that for a while.

Also, if he wants to get married and move forward as quickly as he says, then when he starts to hint at going to the next level, make your concerns known. You're in the relationship as well, so if you feel he's moving too fast, slow it down. Both people have to be happy with the situation.

chocolat79 Dontcha hate when that happens? But I have to say your post was well written and well recieved. Very thoughtful...which makes me further understand time really is on my side. I don't have to bail today nor say I do today...I just have to relax and wait for 6'3 to darken my doorstep...shortly.

So for now I will just focus on my writing, hanging with you ladies and later see what he has planned. He's getting ready to join my gym which I'm quite happy about. I like the thought of having a work out partner.

But this speaks to what I'm saying that he likes doing things that I do, so I didn't really see asking him to come over as any different. I was simply wanting to include him in my New Year's day. But at any rate I've taken everyone's opinions and comments into thought and totally appreciate again you all being there!

 

[sunnieb]

You're scarying me...lol. My new found freedom of being childless might be at stake huh? erplexed

THIS!!!

Babygirl is 7! I can't imagine getting my kids out of the house and then having to start all over again with somebody else's kid. Shoo, we have one baby out of the house and the second one is close behind. I can smell the freedom from here!

And what is this he says about getting married?? Hold on playa. Is this what you want? Just the thought of becoming a stepmom gives me the chills!

But, like I said, I'm biased. I've gladly sacrificed for my husband and kids for decades, my late 40s will be all about me, me, ME!

Sent from my Comet

 

[ElizaBlue]

shes 7 right? are you bothered that she wanted to come along?

Tamster Please tell me where you are getting that I'm bothered from? I thought it was cute and endearing and quite frankly it made me smile. I know I'm not ready to meet her yet and look forward to when I do. But that will come after I get to the point where I'm sure this is a go.

Bothered? Your words not mine. Shoot I was wishing I had some of those pancakes...

 

[ElizaBlue]

Right. Kids that age want to tag along everywhere. I doubt she was thinking "I want to meet your girlfriend" She just wanted to go, wherever it was Daddy was going.

Zuleika Well that too. She straight out cries when it's time to go home. But she has been questioning him about me...what I look like, do I have kids, do I have a dog and is it a puppy...lol. When he showed her our picture he said she took the phone and kept blowing up the pic, then said I was really pretty but wanted to know if I had long hair...lol...that was funny.

And yes she has repeatedly asked him when can she meet me and see my puppy. She wants a dog and cannot have one because she has allergies.

 

[ElizaBlue]

THIS!!!

Babygirl is 7! I can't imagine getting my kids out of the house and then having to start all over again with somebody else's kid. Shoo, we have one baby out of the house and the second one is close behind. I can smell the freedom from here!

And what is this he says about getting married?? Hold on playa. Is this what you want? Just the thought of becoming a stepmom gives me the chills!

But, like I said, I'm biased. I've gladly sacrificed for my husband and kids for decades, my late 40s will be all about me, me, ME!

Sent from my Comet

sunnieb I so feel you on this one. I got the lottery ticket in my hand and am actually considering giving it back. This is going to take some thought...for real for real. This is Pareto Principle at it's best.

 

[ElizaBlue]

And just know, it was an adjustment for me as well because I simply did not understand the gravity of the situation. It was NOT easy for me but it was not easy for him either. This is the first time I dated anybody with kids. You will feel all of this things you are feeling and feel guilty because you feel that way. I learned I had to be a little more patient and understanding than I thought I should have to be. However, we are all human and there is going to be a learning curve involved.

daydreem2876 Please let me know even if by pm how this works out. You are batting 3-0 those are big odds. Do ya'll plan on having more? I keep thinking what if he gets full custody...I don't know about that...but I guess in some ways it could make things easier. Naw...I take that back...lol...nevermind.

I have a girlfriend this exact thing happened to and the bio-mom gave him custody after one-year and they even agreed to end the child support which the mom would have been paying. So my friend got two kids with no additional support financially from the mom. That to me was not a good deal. She.is.miserable.to.this.day. I think I would have had to un-marry him in that case.

 

[hopeful]

I wish you the best ElizaBlue. Please keep us updated. Even with the headaches, your guy sounds like a catch. I adore my husband and despite the headaches he has given me over the years I wouldn't trade "us" for anything in the world. He is my other half. If it's meant to be, y'all will work things out. There is nothing like having a partner in this life.

 

[daydreem2876]

@daydreem2876 Please let me know even if by pm how this works out. You are batting 3-0 those are big odds. Do ya'll plan on having more? I keep thinking what if he gets full custody...I don't know about that...but I guess in some ways it could make things easier. Naw...I take that back...lol...nevermind.

I have a girlfriend this exact thing happened to and the bio-mom gave him custody after one-year and they even agreed to end the child support which the mom would have been paying. So my friend got two kids with no additional support financially from the mom. That to me was not a good deal. She.is.miserable.to.this.day. I think I would have had to un-marry him in that case.

I would not say I am 3-0 but I appreciate the sentiment. I just think I have a good grip on the reality of the big picture. He is a package deal but he made that very clear from the get go. I had absolutely no idea what I was getting myself into and I made that very clear from the get go. I had to become comfortable with the fact that anything can happen, including him getting custody of his kids. We agreed that we had to be extra patient with one another through the learning curve if it was going to work. For the most part he is a good dude but we certainly have our moments. But I am confident in who he is and confident in who I am. But this is me and my individual, personal choice about the situation.

I guess that what I am trying to say.... The bottom line is are you willing to be flexible enough to take on a relationship with the parent of a small child. I know a lot of women on this board would tell not to do it (rightfully so) and others will tell you you being selfish (rightfully so). All I saying is decide for yourself and make a decision you can be confident about.

 

[pre_medicalrulz]

wow. I'm only 30 yrs old but I'm feeling you on how you feel. I can't come 2nd to no one either. I have no children so maybe I'm missing something but it is what it is.

Sent from a land where women rule.....

 

[sunnieb]

I love the differing opinions in this thread!

Doesn't sway me one bit, but I really like seeing what others think.

Not sure how a good mother heavily involved in raising 3 children can be considered selfish though...:scratchch Good for you for opening your mind to this situation in the first place.

Couldn't be me! I still say take your freedom and run like the wind! Run! Run! Run!




Just kidding, do what you feel is best for you. If he is worth it, good luck!

 

[Tamster]

Wait I didn't realize that raising kids automatically meant that you could be exempt from being selfish forever? Interesting. I think different situations can make someone act in different ways... with other people's children.... but okay.

 

[SummerSolstice]

Hey lady I'm younger than u but I dated a man with a 5 y/o and I didn't want to deal with the child and liking him didn't make the feeling go away. Were not together and the child lost me as a friend/ role model. He said it effects her. He broke up with me so its his deal. And I met someone better also without kids, so the moral of the story is that I should've just left it alone. It could've saved a lot of heartache with me and the child if I had just kept that rule as a non negotiable

I'm on my phone effin up