LongTimeComing
Well-Known Member
Exit stage left. This looks like drama soup getting ready to come to a boil. And you aren't worng for wanting no part in either.
Dating a man with a minor child...*rant*
- Thread starter ElizaBlue
- Start date
SelahOco
Well-Known Member
This! Everytime he has her, you won't be able to see him.
That's fine, but it's not fine for you.
I get that.
JayAnn0513
I make 30 look good!
To be honest I would have responded the same way he did. When I read the OP I was screaming no!!!!! In my head when I got to that part. You guys just became exclusive and you already have asked him to dump his kid for you. He's handling it exactly the way I'd want my dad, DH, or a man I was dating to handle it. He will see you anytime except when he has his child...sounds good to me. Now I can see how you would be put off by this as a minor free woman, but you chose to date a younger man with a child so...do you really want to date a guy who leaves his kid with his Mom when he's supposed to have her?
ElizaBlue
Well-Known Member
The divorce was just final but they've been separated over 2 years. My thought is what if she had said no she was not okay with it?
But what is he showing her? What is he setting this up to be? A competition? Now it's my turn, next week it will be hers again.
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TCatt86
Well-Known Member
You don't have to interact or play with someone to enjoy their presence. I think parent's just like to have their kids around. My dad was sad I went by my mom for NYE and all I was doing over there was sleeping.
As for the OP...this is why dating a man with kids give me pause. I don't think you're being totally unreasonable. But I think you should give him a chance to learn to juggle his daughter and you on his on. How long have you two been dating?
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TCatt86
Well-Known Member
I definitely don't think that's the case. And to be honest when it comes to his daughter or you there is no competition...his daughter is most important. That's just how it is. However, I don't think you should view it as a competition, you'll get hurt trying to compete for his attention in the end.
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ElizaBlue
Well-Known Member
Mis007
New Member
Reasons why I would date a man with adult offspring but not one with school age children (it would be impossible to get his undivided attention) although I know I should deal with this on a case by case basis, but I don't.
sunnieb
Well-Known Member
I'm biased as heck, so please take what I have to say with a gallon of salt. 
I'm not in this situation, but two of my friends are. They are both in their early 40s. Only one had children of her own. They both tell me the same thing - don't date a man with kids!
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I'm not in this situation, but two of my friends are. They are both in their early 40s. Only one had children of her own. They both tell me the same thing - don't date a man with kids!
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ElizaBlue
Well-Known Member
ElizaBlue
Well-Known Member
Mis007 And the thing about it is, I told him that I don't date men with small children when we first met. He pleaded his case and her case, telling me what a great kid she was. That she was very respectful and well mannered. He won me over...with me saying well let's just see how it goes....going...going....
ElizaBlue
Well-Known Member
I'm biased as heck, so please take what I have to say with a gallon of salt.
I'm not in this situation, but two of my friends are. They are both in their early 40s. Only one had children of her own. They both tell me the same thing - don't date a man with kids!
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sunnieb It's becoming epidemic...lol.
ElizaBlue
Well-Known Member
@JayAnn0513 So what happens when he has her for the whole summer? It's not that he wouldn't leave her because he did Friday night. It's that he said HE wanted to spend the whole day with her...I just think joint custodial agreements need some measure of flexibility, when the parents begin dating. It was New Years and that was important to me.
And I only wanted a quick hello not a long visit.
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ElizaBlue
Well-Known Member
TCatt86 That is what another poster said that he is just finding his way.
I don't want to be that. But that's is how he is setting it up to be. Because he is saying now it's your time. It WAS her time...now it's yours. It's inevitable that when that is the structure the child will push it. Now I want your time.
sunnieb
Well-Known Member
@ElizaBlue - see this is what my friends complain about. It's not that they want their men to choose them over the kid, they just want to feel important.
Ugh! I've heard about so many issues and drama from them that I KNOW I will never do this. Little things blow up to big things and my friends always seem to end up looking like a itch.
I turn 40 this year and as I get older, I put up with less and less bullish. I've given my all to be a wife and mother so it's time for me dammit! Girl, by the time I hit 48, I ain't puttin' up with a damn thang! I applaud you for giving dude a chance, but iunno.....
Ugh! I've heard about so many issues and drama from them that I KNOW I will never do this. Little things blow up to big things and my friends always seem to end up looking like a itch.
I turn 40 this year and as I get older, I put up with less and less bullish. I've given my all to be a wife and mother so it's time for me dammit! Girl, by the time I hit 48, I ain't puttin' up with a damn thang! I applaud you for giving dude a chance, but iunno.....
ElizaBlue
Well-Known Member
@ElizaBlue - see this is what my friends complain about. It's not that they want their men to choose them over the kid, they just want to feel important.
Ugh! I've heard about so many issues and drama from them that I KNOW I will never do this. Little things blow up to big things and my friends always seem to end up looking like a itch.
I turn 40 this year and as I get older, I put up with less and less bullish. I've given my all to be a wife and mother so it's time for me dammit! Girl, by the time I hit 48, I ain't puttin' up with a damn thang! I applaud you for giving dude a chance, but iunno.....
sunnieb What I don't get is why he tried so hard to convince me to even do this if it was going to be like this. And what I was trying to get was what are the ground rules. I just think nothing should be so inflexible that it's her time or my time.
sunnieb
Well-Known Member
And another thing.....
The men seem like genuinely good guys - they just happen to have a child with another woman.
However, the men don't do enough to keep the peace and my friends always get the short end of the stick. If there's drama, he is more likely to ask my friend to be the one to let it go. My personality couldn't take this at all.
The men seem like genuinely good guys - they just happen to have a child with another woman.
However, the men don't do enough to keep the peace and my friends always get the short end of the stick. If there's drama, he is more likely to ask my friend to be the one to let it go. My personality couldn't take this at all.
ElizaBlue
Well-Known Member
And another thing.....
The men seem like genuinely good guys - they just happen to have a child with another woman.
However, the men don't do enough to keep the peace and my friends always get the short end of the stick. If there's drama, he is more likely to ask my friend to be the one to let it go. My personality couldn't take this at all.
sunnieb OMG it is epidemic. This is the one thing I was so adamant about. If a man has an ex-wife/baby mama/ex-girlfriend please be able to establish and maintain appropriate boundaries.
We've already had a late getaway because on a whim he had to go meet the mother to get something for the daughter. The mother took her time and delayed our trip two hours. What was so important...they were going out of town too and babygirl needed her game station.
What if we had plane tickets instead of were driving away?
Mis007
New Member
I have no doubt that she is all the above, But we have to be true to ourselves. Dating a man with kids is often a "package" deal - child and other parent (mother). Now we know it can be difficult. but things such as a very organized visitation schedule, where we have set times where we know that we can be alone can be done, but still can be tricky as in your case.
sunnieb
Well-Known Member
@sunnieb OMG it is epidemic. This is the one thing I was so adamant about. If a man has an ex-wife/baby mama/ex-girlfriend please be able to establish and maintain appropriate boundaries.
We've already had a late getaway because on a whim he had to go meet the mother to get something for the daughter. The mother took her time and delayed our trip two hours. What was so important...they were going out of town too and babygirl needed her game station.
See....
I'm tellin' ya, it gets worse! Now for the most part, the ex-wives are pretty good. But when they get a wild hair up their arse, look out!
Like I said, I don't have the personality to deal with this. I'm spoiled. Blame my husband.
When it comes to my children, I don't care about spending time/money on them. They're mine! Yeah, I know I sound selfish, but it is what it is.
ambergirl
Well-Known Member
I agree with Hopeful.
You all are just at different stages in life and being in relationship with him means having to adjust to his parenting of a young daughter and her needs will come first much of the time.
Personally, I think it's too early to say how all of it will play out. Alot of men are compartmentalizers and it just takes time to integrate a new partner into their lives. Even longer for a hurt man and it sounds like he was very hurt by the divorce. And the holidays are particularly rough in terms of memories and meeting family expectations.
If you think there's real potential here (and you have the patience and personality for it), I would take a few deep breaths, let it go, and let it play out for a bit longer. Not forever, but a few more weeks.
You all are just at different stages in life and being in relationship with him means having to adjust to his parenting of a young daughter and her needs will come first much of the time.
Personally, I think it's too early to say how all of it will play out. Alot of men are compartmentalizers and it just takes time to integrate a new partner into their lives. Even longer for a hurt man and it sounds like he was very hurt by the divorce. And the holidays are particularly rough in terms of memories and meeting family expectations.
If you think there's real potential here (and you have the patience and personality for it), I would take a few deep breaths, let it go, and let it play out for a bit longer. Not forever, but a few more weeks.
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ElizaBlue
Well-Known Member
Miss007 Agreed!
See....
I'm tellin' ya, it gets worse! Now for the most part, the ex-wives are pretty good. But when they get a wild hair up their arse, look out!
Like I said, I don't have the personality to deal with this. I'm spoiled. Blame my husband.
Yeah, I know I sound selfish, but it is what it is.
sunnieb I know this child is quite spoiled. It's going to be harder because I think he's compensating to make himself feel better about the divorce.
ambergirl There is DEFINITELY much potential. I really like this guy. I'm just afraid that it's going to get worse and I'm going to look like the bad guy no matter what...unless I just agree to let this child reign over the entire relationship.
TCatt86
Well-Known Member
TCatt86
Well-Known Member
And another thing.....
The men seem like genuinely good guys - they just happen to have a child with another woman.
However, the men don't do enough to keep the peace and my friends always get the short end of the stick. If there's drama, he is more likely to ask my friend to be the one to let it go. My personality couldn't take this at all.
I find men that good guys and good fathers tend to be passive when it comes to drama with their children's mother. They will often let her have her way as to avoid a fight and her possibly keeping the child from them. That's one of the hardest things about dating a man with a child, I find the children don't dictate the relationship, it's their mothers. Say you want to go on a vacation and he wants to take the child, if mom says no...most men won't press the issue so the gf/wife may not be going on a vacation. It sucks but that's how it can be.
ElizaBlue
Well-Known Member
@TCatt86...Girl not only since the divorce since the separation almost three years ago. His whole family is like OMG he finally has met someone...he said himself he needed adult conversation and company.
A couple of posters have said he just needs time...I guess I just see it as a gamble because we've already agreed to be committed. And I know he's really into me...I wish I had just maybe stuck to my guns when we first met and said sorry but no.
This would not be good...at all. The mother is very young like early 30s and still likes to be out and about ALOT. I could see her either giving him the child at some point or just making like miserable because she can. Matter of fact I can see him trying to get full custody because he really doesn't trust the mother.
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ambergirl
Well-Known Member
OP, It's possible that the bio mom is not that great of a mother and that at some point it would be best for him to have custody or be heavily involved in his daughter's life
If you're not interested in being involved in raising her or recognizing that for him, she will come first a lot of the time, then you should end it.
If you're not interested in being involved in raising her or recognizing that for him, she will come first a lot of the time, then you should end it.
Cheleigh
Well-Known Member
I was going to PM you on this, and still can, but to keep it somewhat short:
To be in this relationship, you will have to be a little sacrificial--even if your SO wants to put you first (and eventually he will), you will still often play second fiddle to the needs of a small child (and her mom). There will be times when he'll put your needs and feelings second to what's going on with the DD, or with the BM. It's not usually intentional--it's a difficult situation, and generally men make very compartmentalized choices in this area. I will be straight up and say that for this to work in the long-run, you will have to swallow some of your wants and feelings to manage the situation successfully. Other times, you WILL put your foot down and decide that xyz will not, cannot happen on your watch, and you will need to pull some face cards to get your way. You'll have to judge each instance on a case-by-case.
So yes, a lot of women do not have the interest, the intestinal fortitude for this sort of thing. And even those of us who made the decision sometimes question our rationale, our commitment, or our sanity. But it's also a real growth experience. You can learn true patience, true empathy, and really putting someone else's stuff before yours. You learn how to make yourself happy, and for sure you will have closer bonds with your girlfriends, and you'll need them to vent to. LOL. And there will be lots of good times too, with the kids and your SO. When your SO's DD chooses to sit on YOUR lap rather than her dad's it will make you smile inwardly, LOL.
The first year or so of these types of relationships are the hardest (the blending of the situation) but it rarely will become "easy-breezy" as the BM, the kids growing up, and your SO (and his families) attempts to be the "better parent" will all come into play.
So I don't have much advice on what you should do. It will really depend on your own intestinal fortitude for this sort of relationship, and how well you think you will manage your occasionally hurt feelings, anger, disappointment, etc. There are joys in this--it's not all doom and gloom, or even mostly doom and gloom. But it's also not the easiest.
To be in this relationship, you will have to be a little sacrificial--even if your SO wants to put you first (and eventually he will), you will still often play second fiddle to the needs of a small child (and her mom). There will be times when he'll put your needs and feelings second to what's going on with the DD, or with the BM. It's not usually intentional--it's a difficult situation, and generally men make very compartmentalized choices in this area. I will be straight up and say that for this to work in the long-run, you will have to swallow some of your wants and feelings to manage the situation successfully. Other times, you WILL put your foot down and decide that xyz will not, cannot happen on your watch, and you will need to pull some face cards to get your way. You'll have to judge each instance on a case-by-case.
So yes, a lot of women do not have the interest, the intestinal fortitude for this sort of thing. And even those of us who made the decision sometimes question our rationale, our commitment, or our sanity. But it's also a real growth experience. You can learn true patience, true empathy, and really putting someone else's stuff before yours. You learn how to make yourself happy, and for sure you will have closer bonds with your girlfriends, and you'll need them to vent to. LOL. And there will be lots of good times too, with the kids and your SO. When your SO's DD chooses to sit on YOUR lap rather than her dad's it will make you smile inwardly, LOL.
The first year or so of these types of relationships are the hardest (the blending of the situation) but it rarely will become "easy-breezy" as the BM, the kids growing up, and your SO (and his families) attempts to be the "better parent" will all come into play.
So I don't have much advice on what you should do. It will really depend on your own intestinal fortitude for this sort of relationship, and how well you think you will manage your occasionally hurt feelings, anger, disappointment, etc. There are joys in this--it's not all doom and gloom, or even mostly doom and gloom. But it's also not the easiest.
ElizaBlue,
I think you should make a pro and a con list about the qualities your man has because it is hard to find a man that you're compatible with and fit all the other things that you require. When dating you do have to decide what works best for you but you have to be flexible as well. When dating people usually they have something that they're into or takes up their time whether its a job, sports, friends, family or just a hobby that they love, especially as we get older.
I think eventually this time that you call "his child's time" and "your time" will be spent together as the relationship progresses. After all, he does have to figure out the relationship between you two first and then how this relationship will fit/blend into his child's life as well. But only you know if you want to have a small child in your life and help to raise her.
You have adult children and I'm sure from time to time they need you and every decision you make in regards to them he may not agree with (whether it's to give them money or let them live with you, etc.) but it comes with the territory. This was in reference to the shoe commit.
I'm a single mother of three kids and my youngest is 9 and their father is definitely into his kids. Can you say doting? When we were married I've told him if I wasn't their mother I would be jealous because is so kind, patient and loving towards them and when they are together they definitely have his undivided attention. He has a live in girlfriend but she understands that every other weekend is their time together but he does include her but not in everything they do together.
Just out of curiosity do you have a hobby or something else that you're involved in when he's not with you? He seems like he's also very close with his family so even if he didn't a child he probably would spend a lot of time with them but you said you didn't want to be in someone's house all day which is understandable.
Only you know what your dating experiences have been like and you have to decide if this man is worth your time. Good luck!
I think you should make a pro and a con list about the qualities your man has because it is hard to find a man that you're compatible with and fit all the other things that you require. When dating you do have to decide what works best for you but you have to be flexible as well. When dating people usually they have something that they're into or takes up their time whether its a job, sports, friends, family or just a hobby that they love, especially as we get older.
I think eventually this time that you call "his child's time" and "your time" will be spent together as the relationship progresses. After all, he does have to figure out the relationship between you two first and then how this relationship will fit/blend into his child's life as well. But only you know if you want to have a small child in your life and help to raise her.
You have adult children and I'm sure from time to time they need you and every decision you make in regards to them he may not agree with (whether it's to give them money or let them live with you, etc.) but it comes with the territory. This was in reference to the shoe commit.
I'm a single mother of three kids and my youngest is 9 and their father is definitely into his kids. Can you say doting? When we were married I've told him if I wasn't their mother I would be jealous because is so kind, patient and loving towards them and when they are together they definitely have his undivided attention. He has a live in girlfriend but she understands that every other weekend is their time together but he does include her but not in everything they do together.
Just out of curiosity do you have a hobby or something else that you're involved in when he's not with you? He seems like he's also very close with his family so even if he didn't a child he probably would spend a lot of time with them but you said you didn't want to be in someone's house all day which is understandable.
Only you know what your dating experiences have been like and you have to decide if this man is worth your time. Good luck!
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