LongTimeComing
Well-Known Member
Exit stage left. This looks like drama soup getting ready to come to a boil. And you aren't worng for wanting no part in either.
I would really think hard is it worth the head ache so early on? If its not then bail now so your not invested.You need a man whose kids are like your grown and on their own for the most part..
Zuleika This is true...but the daughter was with the mom out of the state. He did however, return to spend Christmas day with his family. But we were together Friday night and half the day on Saturday...so you are probably right he left her with his mom over night and part of that Saturday, so that we could be together.
I don't want to sound unreasonable...I'm thinking I'm just not up for the years to come. I don't like how defensive he became sort of like "oh is this how you are". He didn't actually say that...maybe I just don't like how he didn't want to compromise today....but I hadn't thought about him maybe feeling like he already had.
Dating is hard...lol.
Why the side eye? She's a young girl, only 7. Her dad was being thoughtful when he asked if she was ok with him having a girlfriend. Her parents have just divorced so it might be hard on the little girl and just because the dad takes her feelings into consideration doesn't mean that the mother does.
I doubt she would have have asked the daughter if she was ok with her leaving her dad for another man. So it's nice that this man considers his daughter's feelings.
Yes it is a natural progression but do you really expect a 7 year old to understand this? Most little girls are daddy's girls so she might be closer to her dad than she is her mom. About him over compensating with his daughter because of the divorce is just him being a good dad in his own way. It may not seem like the right thing to do but it's what he knows to do right now while both him and his daughter heal from the divorce.
Just my two pennies.
He went to his brother's house to watch the game while his child played. He was at the parent's house while his child played. He is not interacting/spending time with his daughter, he is just there while she is there. He could have dropped by for about 5 mins and then went back.
But what is he showing her? What is he setting this up to be? A competition? Now it's my turn, next week it will be hers again.
He went to his brother's house to watch the game while his child played. He was at the parent's house while his child played. He is not interacting/spending time with his daughter, he is just there while she is there. He could have dropped by for about 5 mins and then went back.
...Isn't it a natural progression that when parents divorce eventually they will start seeing someone else. Am I tripping?
Reasons why I would date a man with adult offspring but not one with school age children (it would be impossible to get his undivided attention) although I know I should deal with this on a case by case basis, but I don't.
I'm biased as heck, so please take what I have to say with a gallon of salt.
I'm not in this situation, but two of my friends are. They are both in their early 40s. Only one had children of her own. They both tell me the same thing - don't date a man with kids!
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To be honest I would have responded the same way he did. When I read the OP I was screaming no!!!!! In my head when I got to that part. You guys just became exclusive and you already have asked him to dump his kid for you. He's handling it exactly the way I'd want my dad, DH, or a man I was dating to handle it. He will see you anytime except when he has his child...sounds good to me. Now I can see how you would be put off by this as a minor free woman, but you chose to date a younger man with a child so...do you really want to date a guy who leaves his kid with his Mom when he's supposed to have her?
You don't have to interact or play with someone to enjoy their presence. I think parent's just like to have their kids around. My dad was sad I went by my mom for NYE and all I was doing over there was sleeping.
As for the OP...this is why dating a man with kids give me pause. I don't think you're being totally unreasonable. But I think you should give him a chance to learn to juggle his daughter and you on his on. How long have you two been dating?
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I definitely don't think that's the case. And to be honest when it comes to his daughter or you there is no competition...his daughter is most important. That's just how it is. However, I don't think you should view it as a competition, you'll get hurt trying to compete for his attention in the end.
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@ElizaBlue - see this is what my friends complain about. It's not that they want their men to choose them over the kid, they just want to feel important.
Ugh! I've heard about so many issues and drama from them that I KNOW I will never do this. Little things blow up to big things and my friends always seem to end up looking like a itch.
I turn 40 this year and as I get older, I put up with less and less bullish. I've given my all to be a wife and mother so it's time for me dammit! Girl, by the time I hit 48, I ain't puttin' up with a damn thang! I applaud you for giving dude a chance, but iunno.....
And another thing.....
The men seem like genuinely good guys - they just happen to have a child with another woman.
However, the men don't do enough to keep the peace and my friends always get the short end of the stick. If there's drama, he is more likely to ask my friend to be the one to let it go. My personality couldn't take this at all.
@Mis007 And the thing about it is, I told him that I don't date men with small children when we first met. He pleaded his case and her case, telling me what a great kid she was. That she was very respectful and well mannered. He won me over...with me saying well let's just see how it goes....going...going....
@sunnieb OMG it is epidemic. This is the one thing I was so adamant about. If a man has an ex-wife/baby mama/ex-girlfriend please be able to establish and maintain appropriate boundaries.
We've already had a late getaway because on a whim he had to go meet the mother to get something for the daughter. The mother took her time and delayed our trip two hours. What was so important...they were going out of town too and babygirl needed her game station. What if we had plane tickets instead of were driving away?
I have no doubt that she is all the above, But we have to be true to ourselves. Dating a man with kids is often a "package" deal - child and other parent (mother). Now we know it can be difficult. but things such as a very organized visitation schedule, where we have set times where we know that we can be alone can be done, but still can be tricky as in your case.
See....
I'm tellin' ya, it gets worse! Now for the most part, the ex-wives are pretty good. But when they get a wild hair up their arse, look out!
Like I said, I don't have the personality to deal with this. I'm spoiled. Blame my husband. When it comes to my children, I don't care about spending time/money on them. They're mine!
Yeah, I know I sound selfish, but it is what it is.
I agree with Hopeful.
You all are just had different stages in life and being in relationship with him means having to adjust to his parenting of a young daughter.
Personally, I think it's too early to say how all of it will play out. Alot of men are compartmentalizers and it just takes time to integrate a new partner into their lives. Even longer for a hurt man and it sounds like he was very hurt by the divorce. And the holidays are particularly rough in terms of memories and meeting family expectations.
If you think there's real potential here, I would take a few deep breaths, let it go, and let it play out for a bit longer. Not forever, but a few more weeks.
TCatt86 That is what another poster said that he is just finding his way.
I don't want to be that. But that's is how he is setting it up to be. Because he is saying now it's your time. It WAS her time...now it's yours. It's inevitable that when that is the structure the child will push it. Now I want your time.
And another thing.....
The men seem like genuinely good guys - they just happen to have a child with another woman.
However, the men don't do enough to keep the peace and my friends always get the short end of the stick. If there's drama, he is more likely to ask my friend to be the one to let it go. My personality couldn't take this at all.
I understand that.
Are you his first serious relationship since the divorce?
I find men that good guys and good fathers tend to be passive when it comes to drama with their children's mother. They will often let her have her way as to avoid a fight and her possibly keeping the child from them. That's one of the hardest things about dating a man with a child, I find the children don't dictate the relationship, it's their mothers. Say you want to go on a vacation and he wants to take the child, if mom says no...most men won't press the issue so the gf/wife may not be going on a vacation. It sucks but that's how it can be.