Couple has been dating for 1 year and 2 months, He still hasn't said he loves her

[naturalmanenyc]

Fine 4s

Men do that all the time. I met a guy at a barbecue a few years ago who had multiple kids with his live in girlfriend. He talked about buying a house with her out of state. When I asked about marriage he was clear he isn't marrying her and was still looking for his wife. She wasn't there and was likely at home taking care of the kids.

Found it, I posted about it here: http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showpost.php?p=11547496&postcount=300

They had 5 kids and he needed her to pass a "test" before marriage. He then claimed they were engaged.

 

[luckiestdestiny]

Yes. He doesn't love her plain and simple. Nothing to analyze here. Either she's okay with staying with a guy who doesn't love her or needs to move on. By now he has enough time to know and the answer is no he does not love her.

 

[lesedi]

Fine 4s

Men do that all the time. I met a guy at a barbecue a few years ago who had multiple kids with his live in girlfriend. He talked about buying a house with her out of state. When I asked about marriage he was clear he isn't marrying her and was still looking for his wife. She wasn't there and was likely at home taking care of the kids.

Found it, I posted about it here: http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showpost.php?p=11547496&postcount=300

They had 5 kids and he needed her to pass a "test" before marriage. He then claimed they were engaged.

Sometimes men make me sick

 

[Vshanell]

I would be hurt if I knew I loved him but I also don't want someone saying it if they don't mean it. Or maybe he's the type that just feels that showing it is enough. Not totally the same but I'm hard pressed to recall my mom ever saying the words "I love you" out loud. But I know she does.

yea he could just be a man that doesn't say those words. I have never heard my dad say it to my mom (or us kids) ever and they've been married over 30 years. Some people just have trouble saying it, maybe they didn't grow up saying it in their household I dunno.

 

[Vshanell]

Fourteen months? Oh hayell nawwwww *in my best Maya voice* I've received an, "I love you anywhere from 10 days - 3 months. Even if the man is shy/super alpha he will tell you. Yes, of course, he will show you but a man should be able to tell you he loves you before 2 seasons are complete. Fourteen months? Oh no! Ca n'est fais pas!

Was it genuine to you? I can't even call someone a friend after that amount of time. I guess I take longer to get to know people.

 

[SmileyNY]

I've heard of people being shy about saying it.... but they've at least let it be known at some point. My dad is the same way. Hardly ever says it.... but he's at least expressed it at some point.

I don't believe being shy about saying it equates to never... ever saying it.

I honestly believe that people who claim to be so shy have just never truly been in love. True love compells you to say it. You may only say it once in a blue moon... but you will say it.

True love shouldn't be that hard. Why fight for a man to "settle" for you? I see it happen all the time. Women fight for a man... trying to convince him that she's the best he can do right now or that marrying her is just the right thing to do.

Why would you want that? A lot of women don't realize that they are just convincing a man to settle.

Meanwhile... there's a man out there who would give her the stars and the moon and shout to the world how much he loves her... because HE TRULY MEANS IT from the bottom of his heart.

 

[LiftedUp]

yea he could just be a man that doesn't say those words. I have never heard my dad say it to my mom (or us kids) ever and they've been married over 30 years. Some people just have trouble saying it, maybe they didn't grow up saying it in their household I dunno.

I'm not an "I love you person". My parents have never told me "I love you" either. However, they bend over backwards for us, way back, and through their actions I know that their love for us is infinite.

Now, I also grew up in a household where I've been taught from young that words don't mean a thing and that's the benchmark I live by.

 

[Vshanell]

I'm not an "I love you person". My parents have never told me "I love you" either. However, they bend over backwards for us, way back, and through their actions I know that their love for us is infinite. Now, I also grew up in a household where I've been taught from young that words don't mean a thing and that's the benchmark I live by.

Same here. I know they love us and have shown it a million times. My mom tells us but not my dad and me and my brothers don't say it to each other but the love is there so I guess because of my household upbringing I can understand people who take longer to say it or even never say it. Now if someone is not showing you they love you that's a bigger problem to me.

 

[Mortons]

If you are a person who needs to hear I Love You, knowing that your SO isnt an I Love You person or came from a family where not hearing the word was a norm is something you need to know. I would not be ok with having a significant other who took the meh approach to saying I Love You.

Not that that seems to be a problem cause I tend to get with the overly expressive folk who should hush, but I digress

 

[metro_qt]

Was it genuine to you? I can't even call someone a friend after that amount of time. I guess I take longer to get to know people.

It's happened to me in the same time frames....2weeks to 3 months... And yes, each and every time was genuine...because the man began backing up his words with actions.

When a man is in love, you know it....especially after HE says it...

 

[Fine 4s]

Based on the responses some people are OK with it and some not.
It doesn't necessarily mean that you're being strung along either. No right or wrong way. The right way will be the way that serves you best (see the love language threads). I need to hear it.

My mom OD'ed on saying it. Gosh she poured affection on me! And good thing she did because she wasn't able to do it for the rest of her life....

 

[FemmeFatale]

He doesn't really show it with his actions either, she's always playing mind games with him to get a response that would indicate that he cares. He even hates when she playfully jumps on him when she sees him (in private), he asked why do you have to do that, it's childish -_-

 

[Vshanell]

It's happened to me in the same time frames....2weeks to 3 months... And yes, each and every time was genuine...because the man began backing up his words with actions. When a man is in love, you know it....especially after HE says it...

I have never even made a friend in 2 weeks much less fall in love with someone.....what is wrong with me lol. Nah but really I wouldn't find it genuine in the least but that's just me. I take a long time to get to know people and I'm hard to get to know so maybe that's it. I guess since I didn't grow up slinging around I love you's I take the phrase SUPER serious. Someone I barely know telling me they love me would turn me off cuz I wouldn't feel its true cuz they don't know me that deep. If they've taken the time to get to know me well, all of me and then they say it I can truly believe those words.

 

[Fine 4s]

He doesn't really show it with his actions either, she's always playing mind games with him to get a response that would indicate that he cares. He even hates when she playfully jumps on him when she sees him (in private), he asked why do you have to do that, it's childish -_-

He'd hate me! I'm the most playful gf with every man I've dated.
But this current guy has me beat.
Your friend's guy is wiggety wiggety WACK! lol

 

[LiftedUp]

Now thinking about it, these guys who are saying "I love you" within a couple of weeks, why aren't they still in the picture? Love is a big deal IMO and therefore he should be going above and beyond to be with the person you love, not treat her in a way that makes her end the relationship.

 

[FemmeFatale]

Now thinking about it, these guys who are saying "I love you" within a couple of weeks, why aren't they still in the picture? Love is a big deal IMO and therefore he should be going above and beyond to be with the person you love, not treat her in a way that makes her end the relationship.

I can answer that, I dumped the last two. They both were very serious and wanted marriage but I didn't.

 

[LiftedUp]

^^^ Aw poor dude, sounds like the woman in the OP lol

 

[lux10023]

and that is my main issue with this

its not just about the i love you now when were are dating--its about him when he is with the kids and family and your future the bigger picture

the people that grow up without hearing those kind of positive loving words turn into adults who have a hard time saying it and being emotional in general with the people they love

if my father or mother never said i love but did everything else i would be one fluked up woman emotionally--as i would be searching for that from all types of people and life and etc

not hearing an i love you from your father imho is a sad situation...
one's father is the first male they are introduced to--and that is my main point--its a cycle that starts while dating and turns out 30 yrs later no i love you...

thats really sad.




not in my house, not with my husband and not with my family...i want my children to hear they are loved and i do too...actions are actions--husbands are supposed to do what a good man should of this wife/family but words hold heavy weight as we see with all situations in life.

yea he could just be a man that doesn't say those words. I have never heard my dad say it to my mom (or us kids) ever and they've been married over 30 years. Some people just have trouble saying it, maybe they didn't grow up saying it in their household I dunno.

 

[Vshanell]

and that is my main issue with this its not just about the i love you now when were are dating--its about him when he is with the kids and family and your future the bigger picture the people that grow up without hearing those kind of positive loving words turn into adults who have a hard time saying it and being emotional in general with the people they love if my father or mother never said i love but did everything else i would be one fluked up woman emotionally--as i would be searching for that from all types of people and life and etc not hearing an i love you from your father imho is a sad situation... one's father is the first male they are introduced to--and that is my main point--its a cycle that starts while dating and turns out 30 yrs later no i love you... thats really sad. not in my house, not with my husband and not with my family...i want my children to hear they are loved and i do too...actions are actions--husbands are supposed to do what a good man should of this wife/family but words hold heavy weight as we see with all situations in life.

It could be sad but it's not that serious to me because in the bigger picture I couldn't have asked for better parents or a better first male as you say. I feel very blessed.

Weather I'm "flucked" up or not lmao, who knows. Aren't we all lol.

 

[Lucie]

Was it genuine to you? I can't even call someone a friend after that amount of time. I guess I take longer to get to know people.

Pokahontas, yes it was. With my ex-husband he gave me his house key in 3 weeks in case I need to use the bathroom or take a nap. We lived FOUR MILES apart!!!

He gave me his (Motorola StarTac) to use when I was out so that if I needed to make calls I could. He bought a car within a month of us dating because he said he would be my transportation. He spoke of us marrying and having a great life together. And more than anything people told me he smiled more in the weeks he met me than in his entire life! He matched his, "I love you's," with his actions. If he had anything to give I got more of it (time, food or money). It is because of him I am a better woman.

 

[lux10023]

wasnt referring to you as flucked up ...by the way

we have a difference of opinion..and glad all is well with you and the family.

It could be sad but it's not that serious to me because in the bigger picture I couldn't have asked for better parents or a better first male as you say. I feel very blessed.

Weather I'm "flucked" up or not lmao, who knows. Aren't we all lol.

 

[Vshanell]

wasnt referring to you as flucked up ...by the way we have a difference of opinion..and glad all is well with you and the family.

Thanks hon. Just offering a different perspective. Everyone is different and everyone's family dynamic is different.

 

[Dposh167]

I don't believe in time limits for saying I love you. That doesn't mean u should wait two or three years for an I love u but a year ain't sch*t to me. What have they done in that year that grew them closer in order to say those words to each other? Saying she kept her body type is not something that will grow love for someone who may not be able to recognize the feeling. I didn't tell my SO I loved him until we were deep in. It's not that I didn't feel it before then but I never loved a man so I didn't understand what the feeling was. There were also other things that kept me from saying those words to him but that's another story.

Everyone is different but it seems like this couple needs to have a deep talk

 

[hopeful]

No, I totally agree. I was just wondering when once she tells him the relationship is over and he asks why, what she could possibly say. Because telling him she's leaving him because he hasn't said that he loves her sounds sooo dreadful. In such a case, should she make up another reason? Or just say: I just don't feel this is working?

I guess I've come to realize that verbal communication is overrated IMO. Men and people in general respond better to actions. If I were her I would just fall back. I wouldn't even break up with him. I'd just start moving on, stop having sex with him, quit being so affectionate with him, trying to get his attention, etc. He hasn't told her he loves her and acts meh about her so what's the point in talking and explaining anything? He knows she wants to hear I love you. He knows she wants more affection. He knows he hurt her feelings about the weight loss comment. He's just living his life, having sex with her whenever he wants, and doing him. If he cares and wants her he will figure it out. He will start sending flowers and being more affectionate and saying I love you, or he will move on. It's up to him to figure things out and put in some work. She's already done enough, too much.

He doesn't really show it with his actions either, she's always playing mind games with him to get a response that would indicate that he cares. He even hates when she playfully jumps on him when she sees him (in private), he asked why do you have to do that, it's childish -_-

And that's the point. He's meh and she's slaving away trying to prove herself and get his attention. It's about him saying he loves her and everything else. Actions and words. Actions and words.

 

[hopeful]

OP you said he is nice to her and respectful. What does that look like? Remembers her birthday? Buys her gifts? Take her out on nice dates? Helps her when she is in need?

 

[LiftedUp]

the people that grow up without hearing those kind of positive loving words turn into adults who have a hard time saying it and being emotional in general with the people they love

if my father or mother never said i love but did everything else i would be one fluked up woman emotionally--as i would be searching for that from all types of people and life and etc

It's not as tragic as it seems .

We're a "you're financially secure, not one cent of debt, you can go to your parents/grandparents for anything thing at anytime" kind of family. My parents love me, they paid all of my university fees, gave me an allowance throughout, gave me the car that I currently drive, provide a roof over my head etc. I'm sure they don't love me anymore than a parent who states it 24/7 but I surely feel loved

When I say words are wind, I mean we literally mean it, both positive and negative. So I take anything anyone says to me with a grain of salt. Hence I have to haters etc. I put no value to whatever comes out of their mouths, likewise I have no "admirers", you have to back up that sense of admiration with tangible actions. A man saying I love you means little to me. A man putting time and effort in our relationship, being faithful, taking care of me emotionally, financially etc. and bending over backwards for me shows me that he loves me, because that is what I was taught a man should do.

My father doesn't have to tell my mother that he loves her, the roof over her head, food in her refrigerator, sense of security, etc. does that.

As I said earlier, everyone is different.

 

[Mortons]

I really cant agree that words=nothing.


Words are powerful in an all encompassing way. Yes actions mean I love you but for someone to look you in the eye and tell you just how much they adore you with a certain vunerability and intensity...that is unmatched IMO.

 

[FemmeFatale]

OP you said he is nice to her and respectful. What does that look like? Remembers her birthday? Buys her gifts? Take her out on nice dates? Helps her when she is in need?

Yes to all of this.

 

[PeaceFlow]

Why it's MEN who are the real hopeless romantics


Study reveals men not only fall in love earlier, but also declare they are smitten sooner than their female lover



They are the three little words at the heart of every serious relationship. And for years, there has been a perception that women, rather than men, are almost always the first to confess 'I love you'.

But it turns out that it's men who not only fall in love earlier but are also more likely to declare they are smitten sooner than their female lover.

Researchers in the US found three times as many men as women were the first to utter the words 'I love you' in a relationship.

Men fall in love faster, and declare they are smitten sooner, a new study has revealed

This was despite the fact that most people polled by researchers thought it was women who were the hopeless romantics and that men almost always kept their emotions hidden.
Previous studies have found that not only are women more expressive about how they feel but that they are expected, by both sexes, to be ones who fall in love first.

The reality, according to the latest findings by psychologist Marissa Harrison, from Pennsylvania State University in the U.S., is that women are actually more circumspect than men when it comes to romance.

Professor Harrison interviewed 172 college students on whether they had ever been in love and, if so, whether it had taken days, weeks or months to realise they were infatuated with their partner.

They were then asked how far into a relationship they got before they openly declared their emotions.

The results, published in the Journal of Social Psychology, showed men were more likely to fall in love within a few weeks, while most women said it took several months.

Men were also more inclined to tell their partner they loved them much sooner in the relationship.

In a report on the findings Professor Harrison said: 'Men reported falling in love sooner and three times as many men as women said 'I love you' first to their partners.

'This suggests that women tend to be more pragmatic about love than society tends to believe, perhaps not always rushing fool-heartedly into a relationship.

'Perhaps women are perceived as less rational about love because they have a greater capacity for processing emotional experiences.'

This study sums up my experience. My partners began to fall in love within the first month, or two. I may care about them and be fond, but it takes me months and months to fall in love properly.

Because I'm used to this now and I believe it's made my love life easy and simple I wouldn't be ok with 1 year +. Everything feels so clear and uncomplicated when he feels that and treats me like that from an early stage. I've seen a couple of people do it successfully after waiting for feelings to grow in their partner for a long while though. Many other times it doesn't amount to anything. A man should be able to tell that I may be different from the rest and I offer something special early on, within the first 6 months certainly.

Its all individual though and I think OPs friend is not happy with the lack of affection (verbally and physically), so I think she should move on. Why be ignored when you can be adored

 

[lux10023]

ditto we live in a world where ppl have died over a simple exchange of words ...words mean nothing hmmmm


whats interesting is men say stuff like man i love my football!! or i love my giants..i love this pizza...

but no i love you sweetheart or i love you, you really mean the world to me...

I'm use to the men in my life via their actions showing me they love me--that is very normal....any good man would be good to you and his family no?

i guess everyone has different standards..hence why there needs to be a verbal association with his actions...ppl settle way to much...

I really cant agree that words=nothing.


Words are powerful in an all encompassing way. Yes actions mean I love you but for someone to look you in the eye and tell you just how much they adore you with a certain vunerability and intensity...that is unmatched IMO.