N
nappysunflowers
Guest
I have a confession to make. I spent nine years in a combination of self esteem deficiency and depression. More self esteem deficiency than depression. I have to face the fact that I spent my 20s in a fog of no self love, and it eroded into every other aspect of my life. It also eroded any relationship with a man that I had, particularly the last one. I wanted him to be more than he could be. I wanted him to be what I wanted, and not who he was. I thought if I became the uber girlfriend, that he would somehow want me more, love me. I didn't need a ring, and wasn't looking for one. I wanted love. I figured it would make everything complete for him to love me. The problem was I forced it down his throat for 2 years. I didn't see the forest for the trees. I didn't see that the nagging, and the insecurity was grating on him. I just saw that he didn't feel the same. I never bothered to think about what I was doing wrong. I did more damage than I took credit for. At the end, I had to realize that a lot of the reason things fell apart was my fault. It is so much easier to say that it was his fault, that he didn't do A B C X Y Z. Don't get me wrong. The events in the other posts completely are true. I left out the parts about my nagging, preachiness, and flaming bushing bush obvious lack of self esteem. I couldn't love him. I didn't love myself. How could I love him? How could I truly love him?
It made me sad and angry at first that I realized I spent the bulk on my 20s in this psychological fog? I am supposed to be healing people and helping people and I couldn't face the truth of myself. I decided to take a leave of absence from work. I wasn't doing any patient any good. I was going for stretches of 2-4 days without any real sleep. I would try to sleep and it felt like God himself snatched me from my sleep. He was forcing me to face things I was denying about myself. I had to face my relationship with Him, myself and my boyfriend. I had to face that I didn't belong in any of the other relationships I was in. I don't regret anything. I was put where I needed to be by Him at the time. There are no accidents. I needed to face at last that I can't be with anyone if I couldn't be with myself.
I am not sad or angry anymore. I would rather be 30 and wake up, than 40 and stuck and just waking up. There was a serious life shift after the assault (on me), and I never dealt with it like I should. I felt shame and I felt like I deserved what happened to me. I caused it, and I had to live with it. I know that is wrong, but in the midst of it; I felt completely alone. No one except a survivor can truly relate. I went into psychiatry to help women that had been in a situation like my own, or worse. It got to a point at work where I couldn't do that, hence my taking a leave of absence.
I can say honestly for the first time in a very long time that there is nothing wrong with Nic. I was a church goer for a while, and I am now going back. I neglected my relationship with God and the relationship with myself for so long, that I wasn't sure if I could get it back. It is possible, I believe, to lose yourself and never be able to get it back. I see now that I was so wrong to my ex boyfriend. When the dust settles, I hope for forgiveness. It was not fair the way I treated him at all.
I am not sure what my Karmic punishment will be. It tends to hit you when you least suspect it, but I have to take that chance to have peace.
I write this because it was put on my heart and my spirit. I also write this because I hope there is another girl or woman out there who may read this and think this could be me, or it is me, and stop before you inflict too much damage.
If you are out there, and you feel like me; know that you are worth it. There are no accidents. God did make you beautiful and worthy and special. If you don't have anyone special in your life ( ie-a man), it's not because you are defective. It is because you are not supposed to. You need to be patient and work on you. When the time is right, you will have someone. I am not saying don't date, or don't explor; just don't be frustrated if it doesn't initially pan out. It may not be your turn yet...
I also need to work on me. I need to rediscover myself, my talents, my likes, my dislikes, my abilities. I need to fall in love with myself. I did get a lot from this website. This is true. I hope I left something for others here too. However, I need to leave the site for a while. I am not sure when I will be back, but I need to close up shop and put me under renovations.
...peace...
nappysunflowers....
It made me sad and angry at first that I realized I spent the bulk on my 20s in this psychological fog? I am supposed to be healing people and helping people and I couldn't face the truth of myself. I decided to take a leave of absence from work. I wasn't doing any patient any good. I was going for stretches of 2-4 days without any real sleep. I would try to sleep and it felt like God himself snatched me from my sleep. He was forcing me to face things I was denying about myself. I had to face my relationship with Him, myself and my boyfriend. I had to face that I didn't belong in any of the other relationships I was in. I don't regret anything. I was put where I needed to be by Him at the time. There are no accidents. I needed to face at last that I can't be with anyone if I couldn't be with myself.
I am not sad or angry anymore. I would rather be 30 and wake up, than 40 and stuck and just waking up. There was a serious life shift after the assault (on me), and I never dealt with it like I should. I felt shame and I felt like I deserved what happened to me. I caused it, and I had to live with it. I know that is wrong, but in the midst of it; I felt completely alone. No one except a survivor can truly relate. I went into psychiatry to help women that had been in a situation like my own, or worse. It got to a point at work where I couldn't do that, hence my taking a leave of absence.
I can say honestly for the first time in a very long time that there is nothing wrong with Nic. I was a church goer for a while, and I am now going back. I neglected my relationship with God and the relationship with myself for so long, that I wasn't sure if I could get it back. It is possible, I believe, to lose yourself and never be able to get it back. I see now that I was so wrong to my ex boyfriend. When the dust settles, I hope for forgiveness. It was not fair the way I treated him at all.
I am not sure what my Karmic punishment will be. It tends to hit you when you least suspect it, but I have to take that chance to have peace.
I write this because it was put on my heart and my spirit. I also write this because I hope there is another girl or woman out there who may read this and think this could be me, or it is me, and stop before you inflict too much damage.
If you are out there, and you feel like me; know that you are worth it. There are no accidents. God did make you beautiful and worthy and special. If you don't have anyone special in your life ( ie-a man), it's not because you are defective. It is because you are not supposed to. You need to be patient and work on you. When the time is right, you will have someone. I am not saying don't date, or don't explor; just don't be frustrated if it doesn't initially pan out. It may not be your turn yet...
I also need to work on me. I need to rediscover myself, my talents, my likes, my dislikes, my abilities. I need to fall in love with myself. I did get a lot from this website. This is true. I hope I left something for others here too. However, I need to leave the site for a while. I am not sure when I will be back, but I need to close up shop and put me under renovations.
...peace...
nappysunflowers....
I look forward to your return and I hope when you do come back that you will have "become the change you wanted to see"....
