Black Relationships And Out Of Wedlock Births

[MsNaturalcurl82]

So I’ve been thinking about this for quite a while and it bothers me. As African Americans we all know how difficult dating life can be especially as women. Some people may even not agree with or like what I have to say and some people have even accused me of being an elitist for my ways of thinking, but the acceptance of mediocrity and failure to take accountability is a large part of why we are in the predicament that we are in.

In my dating experiences with Black men, I have come across a number of individuals with whom I’ve had positive and negative experiences with. Unfortunately, this thread addresses the negative. I’m in my early thirties and I’ve come to that place in life where I’m happy in my career and I’m making a great income and I’m finally ready to get married and have children. In spite of some of the not so pleasant experiences that I’ve had, I’m still holding on to hope for the brothas. My friends have the same experiences as well. Many of them are doctors, scientists and marketing professionals etc., and are beautiful women but do not find success with Black men. What I’ve come to realize is that as a people, Black people have become accustomed to accepting mediocrity when it comes to relationships and many refuse to take accountability of their part in the failure of the Black family structure.

1. Too many baby mommas/daddies and not enough wives.

This is what I feel is a large part of the issue. As a single woman with no children, I can’t tell you how many men I’ve dated that had children, and as you get older the number of men that you meet with children increases. I once had a very uncomfortable conversation with a 41 year old that informed me that he had 3 children by 3 different women. The first question I asked him was WHY?? The next question was why didn’t you marry any of them? The youngest child’s mother was a seven year relationship and they lived together, so I was confused as to why that did not work out. I told him that he was messy and that he was a typical Black negro. At this point he became angry and said I’m not a statistic and you’re just being judgmental. He then said that all the relationships “just didn’t work out” so they parted ways. He said he took care of all the children and was involved in their lives and did not have baby momma drama. Next I asked,
well if you knew these women weren’t right for you then why did you feel it was a good idea to impregnate them? Why didn’t you use protection? Of course there was no answer he could give me. Most of his kind never can. I’ve come to realize that men with kids are very unlikely to settle down and get married especially if they have multiple children with multiple women and never married any of them.

2. Women procreating with trash

As women I feel that we have the ultimate power. We say what goes especially when it comes to who to be intimate with and who not. If you know that a man has many children already why in the world would you even think it would be a good idea to be the next baby momma? It is difficult enough to generate wealth in the Black community. If a man is paying a large chunk of his salary to pay child support to fund multiple households where he isn’t even living, it will be very difficult for him to obtain wealth. Any woman that marries this man especially one who doesn’t have children yet is going to be at the losing end. I have seen too many women having children with men that they absolutely have no business dealing with whatsoever. Not just men with multiple children, but men living the street life, men without education/ jobs etc. Then these same women talk trash and complain about the same men that they decided to sleep with. Often times these women have more than one child with these men. But I also wonder if it is even people’s desire to get married anymore. I mean it seems that people are just content with being single parents. Yet they have not bothered to see how this behavior has pretty much destroyed the black family and community. To tell you the truth, I don't think they even care.

3. Failure to utilize contraceptives.

This also I can’t even understand why. With the implementation of the Affordable Healthcare Act, I can’t understand why women keep having children that they can’t afford when there’s access to affordable and even free birth control. Hell, I have Blue Cross & Blue Shield and my BC is free. I’ve heard a list of reasons for not using such as I don’t want to get fat. So I guess eating healthy and exercising is totally out of the question right? Well you’ll get fat anyway going through nine months of pregnancy so what the heck? I have a cousin who had two abortions by a married man within a two year time span when she was in her late 20s. She had her first child at 25 and was a manager at a fast food place and could not afford to have another child. Her son's father already had 3 kids when she met him. She is now 32 and has worked at this same job since she was 18. I asked her what happened? For the first abortion she said she just didn’t use protection. The second time, she said she was on the pill but missed a few pills. WTF? The first mistake was having a child while working at a fast food place. I thought to myself, this is another problem with these females. A lot of people are just not taking the medication the proper way. In the directions, it states to take the pill at the same time everyday. If she knew she was missing pills, she should have used condoms. I don't even know why she's sleeping with a married man. And what’s with people not using condoms? Black males are notorious for this. They are the main ones complaining about child support payments but the last ones to want to put on a condom because “it doesn’t feel natural” But having a baby that you can’t afford by a woman who you don’t plan on even marrying does? Give me a break.

Possible Solutions

So I think it would be a great idea for someone to create a dating website specifically for single Black men and women who do NOT have children. This site could be for people who want to get married to someone who does not have children already or people who have no desire to have children at all. It would give those of us without children a chance to create our own blood line and not have to deal with a ready-made family. I am fully aware that people get married and divorced and there are children involved, this thread really isn't about them. The majority of all these kids out here are being born to single parents and we really need to get a control on this. I know this thread was a bit harsh, people with kids are probably going to feel some type of way about it, but I think it’s a great idea. What's your take?

 

[C@ssandr@]

Number 3 is the only issue I can agree with. I've dated plenty and I get my fair share of men with and without kids. The last guy I dated has a kid, wasn't married, but had been planning a future with the woman. I accept that at our age (the dirty 30's) we're going to meet people who have residuals from their last rlshp, be it divorcee's or kids.

It's easy to remember the negatives because they stand out the most.

**An exclusive dating site is a great idea, btw.

 

[Dellas]

I don't agree with all you said. Sounds good but too much women blaming. I can prove a counter everything you said. But I got to get work done today and have no time. I have been on eharmony and the one thing I noticed is you can't eliminate men with kids. You can eliminate everything about the woman but men with kids,...NO. A website that gives you all options will be fine. However, I honestly don't know that many black men exclusively dating black women. I don't know the statistics, but .... I will leave it there.

We have a problem with people blaming black women for everything.
Black women are told to give a dude with a bad past a chance, to work with men, to build men up then when the ish hit the fan they are called desperate/thirsty/foolish/crazy...."Sherry Shepherd"
Not all black men acknowledge or tell you they have kids. We act like people are up front.
My mom practiced safe sex. My father put a hole in the condom and it broke. He did it, so my mother wouldn't leave him. He still laughs about it to this day. My mother was a single mom working 2 jobs. Someone stopped her from having an abortion, but didn't offer to help us get out the hood.

When violence occurs in relationships, according to research, women are less likely to use contraceptive methods. There are a number of issues the black community have to contend with from within and outside.

I think it is a good idea that all choices are available in dating. Got off eharmony.

 

[C@ssandr@]

I don't agree with all you said. Sounds good but too much women blaming. I can prove a counter everything you said. But I got to get work done today and have no time. I have been on eharmony and the one thing I noticed is you can't eliminate men with kids. You can eliminate everything about the woman but men with kids,...NO. A website that gives you all options will be fine. However, I honestly don't know that many black men exclusively dating black women. I don't know the statistics, but .... I will leave it there.

We have a problem with people blaming black women for everything.
Black women are told to give a dude with a bad past a chance, to work with men, to build men up then when the ish hit the fan they are called desperate/thirty/foolish/crazy...."Sherry Shepherd"
Not all black men acknowledge or tell you they have kids. We act like people are up front.
My mom practiced safe sex. My father put a hole in the condom and it broke. He did it, so my mother wouldn't leave him. He still laughs about it to this day. My mother was a single mom working 2 jobs. Someone stopped her from having an abortion, but didn't offer to help us get out the hood.

When violence occurs in relationships, according to research, women are less likely to use contraceptive methods. There are a number of issues the black community have to contend with from within and outside.

I think it is a good idea that all choices are available in dating. Got off eharmony.

Ita. I didn't want to derail the thread, but since we've already sort of gone left...
A friend of mine was told that most of the black men she met online are unemployed and so she tried to deter my friend from signing up for match.com, okc, etc. Again, I don't know what's going on here, but we are in the same city and I've only met 1 guy (of many) )who did not have steady employment (he was contractor though).

People have a handful of tainted experiences and are using them for their blanket statements. The men are doing this too. They keep saying all of the women are this way, or black women only want xyz.

What's up with this?

 

[MsNaturalcurl82]

I don't agree with all you said. Sounds good but too much women blaming. I can prove a counter everything you said. But I got to get work done today and have no time. I have been on eharmony and the one thing I noticed is you can't eliminate men with kids. You can eliminate everything about the woman but men with kids,...NO. A website that gives you all options will be fine. However, I honestly don't know that many black men exclusively dating black women. I don't know the statistics, but .... I will leave it there.

We have a problem with people blaming black women for everything.
Black women are told to give a dude with a bad past a chance, to work with men, to build men up then when the ish hit the fan they are called desperate/thirty/foolish/crazy...."Sherry Shepherd"
Not all black men acknowledge or tell you they have kids. We act like people are up front.
My mom practiced safe sex. My father put a hole in the condom and it broke. He did it, so my mother wouldn't leave him. He still laughs about it to this day. My mother was a single mom working 2 jobs. Someone stopped her from having an abortion, but didn't offer to help us get out the hood.

When violence occurs in relationships, according to research, women are less likely to use contraceptive methods. There are a number of issues the black community have to contend with from within and outside.

I think it is a good idea that all choices are available in dating. Got off eharmony.

In my post above, I'm looking for black women to take accountability for their chosen actions. This isn't a blame game. Last time I checked no once puts a gun to your head and forces you to have unprotected sex (perhaps with the exclusion of domestic violence victims). But most women usually have some type of knowledge of the type of man they are dealing with in a relationship prior to sex even being involved. The choice to even chose to date a man is a choice. There's no law saying if a man asks a woman out she has to agree. Women aren't taking their time to truly get to know these men and it is causing problems. It begins with us is what I'm saying. We have the power to control our destiny the majority of the time, but we often look past red flags early in the relationship when we should have checked out in the beginning. You mention your mothers' condom being pokes with holes... That is an extreme case, tell me how often does things like that happen? Almost never. And the website that I'm proposing is for Black men and women who have chosen to date other Black men and women. We already know many Black men don't date black women exclusively, this post has nothing to do with them.

 

[C@ssandr@]

In my post above, I'm looking for black women to take accountability for their chosen actions. This isn't a blame game. Last time I checked no once puts a gun to your head and forces you to have unprotected sex (perhaps with the exclusion of domestic violence victims). But most women usually have some type of knowledge of the type of man they are dealing with in a relationship prior to sex even being involved. The choice to even chose to date a man is a choice. There's no law saying if a man asks a woman out she has to agree. Women aren't taking their time to truly get to know these men and it is causing problems. It begins with us is what I'm saying. We have the power to control our destiny the majority of the time, but we often look past red flags early in the relationship when we should have checked out in the beginning. You mention your mothers' condom being pokes with holes... That is an extreme case, tell me how often does things like that happen? Almost never. And the website that I'm proposing is for Black men and women who have chosen to date other Black men and women. We already know many Black men don't date black women exclusively, this post has nothing to do with them.

I think the issue is that folks like to point out what black women are or aren't doing ALLLL OFFF THE TIME. Granted, we are black women so this is an us issue, however the discussion comes across as if we are the end all be all of this problem.

Again, I know plenty of people who fit the description in terms of oow babies and such, but there are many women who don't. So focusing on that aspect time and time again is annoying.

There are plenty of decent men with kids, or a kid, or no kids out there. Maybe it is you that needs to widen your circle.

*not being sarcastic.

 

[MsNaturalcurl82]

I think the issue is that folks like to point out what black women are or aren't doing ALLLL OFFF THE TIME. Granted, we are black women so this is an us issue, however the discussion comes across as if we are the end all be all of this problem.

Again, I know plenty of people who fit the description in terms of oow babies and such, but there are many women who don't. So focusing on that aspect time and time again is annoying.

There are plenty of decent men with kids, or a kid, or no kids out there. Maybe it is you that needs to widen your circle.

*not being sarcastic.

But the issue is, If we know what is destroying our communities then why aren't we taking the corrective actions to try and fix these problems? Why are women making the same mistakes over and over again and still getting upset and angry with these same men? You said that focusing on mothers with oow babies time and time again is annoying, well making the same mistakes over and over again should be annoying and quite frankly it's getting old. My argument is that regardless of what men are doing we have the ability to change some things. It's obvious that some of these men just don't care. Women aren't holding them accountable, nor are men stepping up to the plate to hold themselves accountable. So since there appears to be a lack of efficient male leadership and a large portion of them aren't taking accountability then we should. Someone has got to step up and be the responsible one, and it's obviously not going to be men, then we as women need to put on those big girl panties and start laying down the law. They say mothers are "the first teachers." Well if this is true then we have a great responsibilities to ourselves our children and our communities. My circle can be as wide as the Earth, and yes there are plenty of good men with children however my preference is and will always be with a man that does not have children. There are plenty of men without children who will strait up tell you that they do not want to raise another man's child and aren't interested in women with children. I never hear anyone telling men how they should widen their circle. Just another example of how black women are coerced into lowering their standards, when men always go for the best they can get and usually don't settle.

 

[C@ssandr@]

But the issue is, If we know what is destroying our communities then why aren't we taking the corrective actions to try and fix these problems? Why are women making the same mistakes over and over again and still getting upset and angry with these same men? You said that focusing on mothers with oow babies time and time again is annoying, well making the same mistakes over and over again should be annoying and quite frankly it's getting old. My argument is that regardless of what men are doing we have the ability to change some things. It's obvious that some of these men just don't care. Women aren't holding them accountable, nor are men stepping up to the plate to hold themselves accountable. So since there appears to be a lack of efficient male leadership and a large portion of them aren't taking accountability then we should. Someone has got to step up and be the responsible one, and it's obviously not going to be men, then we as women need to put on those big girl panties and start laying down the law. They say mothers are "the first teachers." Well if this is true then we have a great responsibilities to ourselves our children and our communities. My circle can be as wide as the Earth, and yes there are plenty of good men with children however my preference is and will always be with a man that does not have children. There are plenty of men without children who will strait up tell you that they do not want to raise another man's child and aren't interested in women with children. I never hear anyone telling men how they should widen their circle. Just another example of how black women are coerced into lowering their standards, when men always go for the best they can get and usually don't settle.

I honestly don't know how to tackle this.
Firstly, preaching to the choir doesn't help. I too have an issue with this. But again, it's like you're blaming black women for the reason why black men aren't the eligible bachelor types you are looking for. I've definitely told men to widen their circles as well because they too b!tch about the market...so clearly there's problems on both sides.
I really can't sit up here and complain about a 3rd party's past choices, especially since the losers we are talking about are only a fraction of the people I meet.

The only solution I can think of is to educate young women on their choices and build their esteem. As for the ones who keep making the poor choices, what's done is done. This is the world we live in. Complaining about it isn't going to help.

 

[caligirl]

I've come to the conclusion that other cultures (namely Indian, Jewish) value marriage and family more than Black people do. It is more of a familial/cultural expectation. There is even a website for Indians looking to get married (Shadi.com sp?) that literally means marriage and for Jewish people JDate.

 

[SuchaLady]

Your number one is incredibly rude. It was uncomfortable because you made it that way. I'm amazed he didn't curse you out honestly. Your values don't give you the right to go talk to people crazy.

 

[MamaBear2012]

I understand what you are saying, but at the same time, I think that black women have been beaten up so much from so many angles, that people get tired of hearing it.

But I think that YOU have to be the change that you want to see. Outside of that, I keep everyone else in my prayers. I got married and then had a child. None of the women who are closest to me had children out of wedlock. All of my best friends are married (minus one, and she has no children). DH's friends are all married, and all now have children AFTER marriage. None of our friends are divorced (although, some came close). So, it's the life we live, it's the people who we surround ourselves with, and it's what we teach our children. I pray that my daughter grows up and follows the same path because of the example we set, but all I can do is live my own life.

 

[tinkat]

I understand what you are saying, but at the same time, I think that black women have been beaten up so much from so many angles, that people get tired of hearing it.

But I think that YOU have to be the change that you want to see. Outside of that, I keep everyone else in my prayers. I got married and then had a child. None of the women who are closest to me had children out of wedlock. All of my best friends are married (minus one, and she has no children). DH's friends are all married, and all now have children AFTER marriage. None of our friends are divorced (although, some came close). So, it's the life we live, it's the people who we surround ourselves with, and it's what we teach our children. I pray that my daughter grows up and follows the same path because of the example we set, but all I can do is live my own life.

The bolded is key.

Overall OP I understand the post too, it is all about accountability. I can read without being offended because I can understand your perspective even if it is different from mine because it is your truth and/ or opinion. However I can understand how others could be put off by some of what was said or all of it because I can see it from that perspective too. With that being said since your post is about accountability and it is important to be that change that you want to see as @cam2717 stated, have you ever reflected on how your belief system could be hindering what you desire, although you are in a great place in your life and ready to settle down? I truly believe that everyone could have what they desire. But I believe you have to reflect, recognize your belief systems, and let go of the ones that is holding you back from what you desire. The universe makes way for what we want which is why there are sayings about monitoring your thoughts.

 

[lux10023]

very well said..OP i hear your message and understand your POV...I myself do not know why women are not choosing suitable mates and or deciding not to have sex with a man who has not shown he is a decent human being...but i digress

when i was dating and sought a serious relationship leading to marriage i only dated men who actions wise showed that and it was a brief window of oppty for them to show me if they about what they say they about--if not..cool..on to the next....

i don't know you or what energy your putting into to your universe but will echo the sentiments that the change starts with you... only person you can control is you...but i understand your concern with this issue--it is a very consistent issue in our community...

I'm torn on the men having kids--i didn't date men with kids but a man over 30+ may have kids at this stage in his life whether he is divorced or etc

i think in our community marriage is not as valued and set in stone from young so its something someone has to seek versus it being second nature i guess....

in my own personal life everyone in my family is married or has been married..all of my long term friends are married--i was actually the last woman in my circle to get married ( i was living it up!!! lol) i only know marriage--ive never even pictured my life without a partner or spouse or etc but its because thats what i saw growing up....

this is a touchy subject in our community especially for women...

so many diff variables with this...but I'm with you i hold myself accountable for the way my life operates....

I understand what you are saying, but at the same time, I think that black women have been beaten up so much from so many angles, that people get tired of hearing it.

But I think that YOU have to be the change that you want to see. Outside of that, I keep everyone else in my prayers. I got married and then had a child. None of the women who are closest to me had children out of wedlock. All of my best friends are married (minus one, and she has no children). DH's friends are all married, and all now have children AFTER marriage. None of our friends are divorced (although, some came close). So, it's the life we live, it's the people who we surround ourselves with, and it's what we teach our children. I pray that my daughter grows up and follows the same path because of the example we set, but all I can do is live my own life.

i agree about accountability and ditto on this post.

The bolded is key.

Overall OP I understand the post too, it is all about accountability. I can read without being offended because I can understand your perspective even if it is different from mine because it is your truth and/ or opinion. However I can understand how others could be put off by some of what was said or all of it because I can see it from that perspective too. With that being said since your post is about accountability and it is important to be that change that you want to see as @cam2717 stated, have you ever reflected on how your belief system could be hindering what you desire, although you are in a great place in your life and ready to settle down? I truly believe that everyone could have what they desire. But I believe you have to reflect, recognize your belief systems, and let go of the ones that is holding you back from what you desire. The universe makes way for what we want which is why there are sayings about monitoring your thoughts.

 

[barbiesocialite]

If I get married it will probably be because I'm knocked up. Then I'll just get married like my parents did. Probably the only reason I would get married, because I have to.

Id drop the baby off with his or her father and select weekend visits before id ever be a single parent or Baby mama.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

This isn't a Black thing.

http://www.businessinsider.com/causes-of-low-marriage-rates-2014-5

Marriage Rates Are Near Their Lowest Levels In History — Here's Why

• Christina Sterbenz
  

• May 7, 2014, 11:46 AM
• 
  
• National Center for Family and Marriage Research at Bowling Green State Universityfound.
  
  The descent is even more pronounced for millennials. In 1960, a little over two-thirds (68%) of all 20-somethings were married. In 2008, just 26% were hitched, according to the Pew Research Center.
  
  So what's keeping people from tying the knot?
  
  1. The Recession
  The economic shock of the recession put marriage on the back burner for many young adults, according to a 2014 study from the Urban Institute.
  
  
  
  Census Data
  
  
  
  
  
  Census Data
  
  
  
  The Urban Institute looked at millennials' age-specific marriage rates and projected that, if the post-recession rate continues, the number of millennials who marry by age 40 could drop at least 12% from the rate among current 40-year-olds.
  
  Many millennials don't have the economic freedom or security to pursue marriage because the 2007-2008 recession led to depressed wages and increased unemployment. These young people need to focus on graduating and finding a job, instead of courtship and, eventually, paying for their weddings.
  
  Even if the marriage rate bounces back — notably, college-educated have seen a slight increase since the recovery began — fewer millennials will marry by age 40 than for any previous generation of Americans.
  
  2. The Growing Income Gap
  With the income gap growing in America, the poor have gotten poorer. Low-income people consequently value economic stability in a spouse even more than they used to. Paradoxically, there's a shortage of financially stable partners in lower-income communities, which may limit marriages.
  
  "Over the past 130 years, the degree of marriage equality has been directly related to the size of the economic gap between rich and poor,"Andrew Cherlin, a professor of sociology at Johns Hopkins University, told the Russell Sage Foundation.
  
  
  
  The Brookings Institute
  
  
  
  
  
  The Brookings Institute
  
  
  
  As shown by the Hamilton Projects' charts, 83% of 30- to 50-year-old men in the top 10% of annual earnings are married today, whereas only 64% of median earners and half of those in the bottom 25th percentile are hitched.
  
  Now, compare that to men in 1970, whose marriage rates were 95% (top earners), 91% (median earners), and 60% (bottom 25th percentile of earners), respectively.
  
  The same arc applies to women of varying income levels, despite a growing spot in the workforce and gradually increasing salaries. The top 10% of female earners was the only group whose marriage rate increased since 1970, while the bottom 70% of earners saw their marriage rates decline more than 15 points.
  
  But the desire to get married doesn't vary with income or education, according to a 2010 Pew survey. About 46% of the college-educated and 44% of those with a high-school diploma would like to get married. Similar percentages of the unmarried who earn just above and below $100,000 a year feel the same.
  
  The less education and money people had, however, the more likely they said they wanted a spouse who could support a family, Pew found. In recent years, our troubled education system and economy have produced fewer bachelors eligible in this respect.
  
  3. Shifting Public Attitudes
  Aside from economic factors, people simply feel differently about marriage as an institution today. A notable decline in religiousness could hold the blame for this attitude shift.
  
  
  
  Pew Research Center
  
  
  
  When asked, about four in 10 Americans, regardless of age, agreed that "marriage is becoming obsolete," according to a 2010 Pew survey. In a similar poll of voters conducted by Time in 1978, only 28% felt that way. The divorce rate was also at a near all-time high then too.
  
  4. Contraception Use
  The rise of contraception made waiting to marry easier for both genders because they could have sex outside of wedlock without worrying as much about getting pregnant, Becky Stevenson and Justin Wolfers write in the Journal of Economic Perspectives.
  
  CDC
  
  
  
  Since 1985, general contraception, driven by condom use, has increased nearly 20%, according to CDC data. As a technical innovation, birth control especially afforded women the social and economic freedom to forgo marriage and instead pursue an education and career opportunities.
  
  About 50% of those born between 1941 and 1949 married before age 23, Claudia Goldin and Lawrence Katz write in the 2002 Journal of Political Economy. With the FDA's approval of the pill in 1960, though, the age when women married started to rise. For those born after 1949, the percent married before age 23 or 24 plummeted. By the time the 1957 babies reached marrying age, the percent dropped a full 20 points than in 1950.
  
  
  
  Goldin & Katz, 2002
  
  
  
  5. Women In The Workforce
  Before 1970, more men than women acted as the breadwinners in marriage. As a consequence of that dynamic, some women may have used commitment as a tool for economic stability. But as women have gained spots in the workforce, they've attained the ability to financially support themselves, which has brought greater social and political freedoms.
  
  
  
  Pew Social Trends
  
  
  
  In 2012, women composed about half of the labor force, up from 38% in 1970. Their introduction rose steadily from then to about 1990 when it leveled off, according to Pew Social Trends data.
  
  Since women joined the workforce, they've also steadily made more money. In 1963, the median woman in America had no income at all. Since then, inflation-adjusted annual earnings of the median full-time female worker increased to almost $20,000 in 2009.
  
  
  
  The Brookings Institution
  
  
  
  This trend applies to the long term, but on a smaller scale the relationship between female employment and marriage rates becomes slightly more complex, as The Atlantic's Philip Cohen has pointed out. While little doubt exists that financial freedom decreases women's necessity, and therefore desire, to marry, a major influx in the female workforce stems from married women.
  
  While marriage is declining, it's also changing — women aren't expected to be just housewives anymore.
  

 

[snugglez41685]

This isn't a Black thing.

http://www.businessinsider.com/causes-of-low-marriage-rates-2014-5

Marriage Rates Are Near Their Lowest Levels In History — Here's Why

• Christina Sterbenz

• May 7, 2014, 11:46 AM
• 
  
• National Center for Family and Marriage Research at Bowling Green State Universityfound.
  
  The descent is even more pronounced for millennials. In 1960, a little over two-thirds (68%) of all 20-somethings were married. In 2008, just 26% were hitched, according to the Pew Research Center.
  
  So what's keeping people from tying the knot?
  
  1. The Recession
  The economic shock of the recession put marriage on the back burner for many young adults, according to a 2014 study from the Urban Institute.
  
  
  
  Census Data
  
  
  
  
  
  Census Data
  
  
  
  The Urban Institute looked at millennials' age-specific marriage rates and projected that, if the post-recession rate continues, the number of millennials who marry by age 40 could drop at least 12% from the rate among current 40-year-olds.
  
  Many millennials don't have the economic freedom or security to pursue marriage because the 2007-2008 recession led to depressed wages and increased unemployment. These young people need to focus on graduating and finding a job, instead of courtship and, eventually, paying for their weddings.
  
  Even if the marriage rate bounces back — notably, college-educated have seen a slight increase since the recovery began — fewer millennials will marry by age 40 than for any previous generation of Americans.
  
  2. The Growing Income Gap
  With the income gap growing in America, the poor have gotten poorer. Low-income people consequently value economic stability in a spouse even more than they used to. Paradoxically, there's a shortage of financially stable partners in lower-income communities, which may limit marriages.
  
  "Over the past 130 years, the degree of marriage equality has been directly related to the size of the economic gap between rich and poor,"Andrew Cherlin, a professor of sociology at Johns Hopkins University, told the Russell Sage Foundation.
  
  
  
  The Brookings Institute
  
  
  
  
  
  The Brookings Institute
  
  
  
  As shown by the Hamilton Projects' charts, 83% of 30- to 50-year-old men in the top 10% of annual earnings are married today, whereas only 64% of median earners and half of those in the bottom 25th percentile are hitched.
  
  Now, compare that to men in 1970, whose marriage rates were 95% (top earners), 91% (median earners), and 60% (bottom 25th percentile of earners), respectively.
  
  The same arc applies to women of varying income levels, despite a growing spot in the workforce and gradually increasing salaries. The top 10% of female earners was the only group whose marriage rate increased since 1970, while the bottom 70% of earners saw their marriage rates decline more than 15 points.
  
  But the desire to get married doesn't vary with income or education, according to a 2010 Pew survey. About 46% of the college-educated and 44% of those with a high-school diploma would like to get married. Similar percentages of the unmarried who earn just above and below $100,000 a year feel the same.
  
  The less education and money people had, however, the more likely they said they wanted a spouse who could support a family, Pew found. In recent years, our troubled education system and economy have produced fewer bachelors eligible in this respect.
  
  3. Shifting Public Attitudes
  Aside from economic factors, people simply feel differently about marriage as an institution today. A notable decline in religiousness could hold the blame for this attitude shift.
  
  
  
  Pew Research Center
  
  
  
  When asked, about four in 10 Americans, regardless of age, agreed that "marriage is becoming obsolete," according to a 2010 Pew survey. In a similar poll of voters conducted by Time in 1978, only 28% felt that way. The divorce rate was also at a near all-time high then too.
  
  4. Contraception Use
  The rise of contraception made waiting to marry easier for both genders because they could have sex outside of wedlock without worrying as much about getting pregnant, Becky Stevenson and Justin Wolfers write in the Journal of Economic Perspectives.
  
  CDC
  
  
  
  Since 1985, general contraception, driven by condom use, has increased nearly 20%, according to CDC data. As a technical innovation, birth control especially afforded women the social and economic freedom to forgo marriage and instead pursue an education and career opportunities.
  
  About 50% of those born between 1941 and 1949 married before age 23, Claudia Goldin and Lawrence Katz write in the 2002 Journal of Political Economy. With the FDA's approval of the pill in 1960, though, the age when women married started to rise. For those born after 1949, the percent married before age 23 or 24 plummeted. By the time the 1957 babies reached marrying age, the percent dropped a full 20 points than in 1950.
  
  
  
  Goldin & Katz, 2002
  
  
  
  5. Women In The Workforce
  Before 1970, more men than women acted as the breadwinners in marriage. As a consequence of that dynamic, some women may have used commitment as a tool for economic stability. But as women have gained spots in the workforce, they've attained the ability to financially support themselves, which has brought greater social and political freedoms.
  
  
  
  Pew Social Trends
  
  
  
  In 2012, women composed about half of the labor force, up from 38% in 1970. Their introduction rose steadily from then to about 1990 when it leveled off, according to Pew Social Trends data.
  
  Since women joined the workforce, they've also steadily made more money. In 1963, the median woman in America had no income at all. Since then, inflation-adjusted annual earnings of the median full-time female worker increased to almost $20,000 in 2009.
  
  
  
  The Brookings Institution
  
  
  
  This trend applies to the long term, but on a smaller scale the relationship between female employment and marriage rates becomes slightly more complex, as The Atlantic's Philip Cohen has pointed out. While little doubt exists that financial freedom decreases women's necessity, and therefore desire, to marry, a major influx in the female workforce stems from married women.
  
  While marriage is declining, it's also changing — women aren't expected to be just housewives anymore.

Thank you for posting this I read this article a while back. Marriage was originally for the wealthy to keep money, businesses, and assets in the family name,obviously the male. Marriage today is not What is was back then. It is coming back to be about that though with the declining marriage rates. This fairy-tale of marriage is not What reality has proved it to be. Marriage is a lot of work that people don't seem to understand.

Nobody wants to marry broke anymore and try to make it work. Most folks don't have the patience. Regardless we live in a selfish world. My friends male and females are so Damn selfish within their relationships. Relationships are a two way street. If you see from the gate characteristics that you don't like in that dude/chic don't think you can change them later. Another fault of ALL women not just black women. I could go further and will but I need to clock in for my slave shift,lol.

 

[RoundEyedGirl504]

Is there really a need for a dating website specifically for people without children? Isn't that something you can just filter for on regular dating websites? How will this do anything about people having children OOW?

 

[TCatt86]

Couldn't people just lie about having kids to get on the site? Also I don't see how that will address the OOW children already here? They are the ones growing up in non traditional families and will likely have their own non traditional families.

 

[HappyMadison]

*Unpopular Opinion* I from the other side of the game. I been married, now I am not. Now I am a single parent.

Since being in the the dating world, it really hasn't debilitated my dating life as limited as that has been. I have had the blessing of being attached to my mates for long periods of time. My singledom is in limbo now.

I am not saying kids have not been an issue, because it has, but when it comes to love and commitment, it doesn't matter in the long run. If you see that my child is an extension of me, it is part of the package.

All my mates post divorce have never been married, no children. I do not know if that is an anomaly. I did not seek this out. I would prefer a man to be like me, but it did not work out that way. It was more challenging but we still rocked steady. Different cultural backgrounds too, so that brings about some very big fallacies. My cousin has two (Black, same dad, he just walked away) children OOW, Arab fiance, family supportive, owns two hotels in the area. Even I was like that shiddd hurt my spirit lol. Beautiful girl. That is an example, not an exception.

It's like look, my child is not going away, so you are free to leave and give me the opportunity to find someone who is not wasting my time. And they stick around and I don't think it is because of the Badu. KitKats are too free in these streets for a single male.

I think it is because I am confident in myself and unapologetic about my situation. I think it my glowing personality couple with the fact that "I taste my food. I am in no rush to be full. " That is why you see divorced people married again in short periods of time or baby mama's already with mates. You can dismiss it as "the quality of men," but it depends on the socioeconomic group as well. Face it, most of our people are not doing so well, like the rest of the nation.

So what about the professional women, which this message is geared towards? I have yet to see one settle. Those who are real about their situation. Since you went to university and secured a steady career, you want a CEO (an exaggeration). You want him ti give you what you haven't brought. He cannot make less than you in take home pay, but since men have the greater opportunity of a promotion over women in five years that man you didn't consider leap frogged over you. I guess the key is acknowledging a man's drive and spotting viable potential. Not the '2 Can Play That Game, Bobby Brown' unrealistic stuff, but career oriented men with promise.

Not trying to be rude, but I think it is time to stop blaming other outside factors for our personal dissatisfactions and stop finding security in statistics. If you want a mate, go get him. Stop hiding behind the keyboard or cocktail and get him. Get him in the church, it's going down. Get him at the mall, it's going down. Meet him volunteering, it going down. We get too self involved in our own limitations and project them onto our community and I know it is hard, because I go, "why am i lonely tonight," too. You have to go. Like my favorite group says,

"you have to keep your ideas high, you have to know the sky belongs to no-one. You have to go. "

My granny said my "don't care" switch clicked on exactly on my 30th Birthday lol.

I talk alot about myself because I cannot speak for no One else lol