Biological Children vs. Stepchildren

[illustrioussplendor]

My husband and I have been married for eight years, and I have been helping him raise his son and daughter ages 10 and eight, since his son was two and his daughter was one. We now have two children together ages 5 and two. The mother of his first two children is pretty much a deadbeat and rarely contributes to their care. My husband's mother and grandmother took her in when she was a teenager and consider her their daughter in spite of how she is with the children. Right now my MIL is raising her other two children(not my husband's) and she is 27 years old and living with my husband's grandmother. My question to all of you ladies is, do you think it is wrong if I want to sometimes spend time with or buy things for just my two children. My in laws get upset if I do this, but they favor my husband's two children over mine(Not sure if its because they are the first grandchildren or because of their relationship with the mother) I don't think it's fair that they actually treat my children differently if I don't do EVERYTHING for the stepchildren that I do for my own, but they don't get upset with the mother for doing NOTHING for the children and they even make excuses for her. So what do you ladies think about this situation?

 

[Maynard]

I dont think there is anything wrong with this. That's JMO.

 

[ThickHair]

I think you should do for all four. But I do think that the relatives are trying to make up for the other two kids mother being a deadbeat. I am sure they know that you are loving to all 4 kids but you are not the other's mother. I don't think it is to slight you, but it is to make sure the other two feel loved. If you start treating your kids different then the other two then your two will start treating their siblings differently. It will only cause pain when they get older. I am sure your two little ones love their big brother and sister to death, but kids will usually act the way their parents act. Watch yourself. Good luck.

I would say for an extra special treat, send your two with your parents for some extra fun time.

 

[oooop2]

I think that it is NOT okay, if the step-children are made to feel inferior/less deserving.

 

[LunadeMiel]

I don't see anything wrong with it....

 

[GV-NA-GI-TLV-GE-I]

For those seeing nothing wrong with it, please rethink and put yourselves in those children's shoes. She has been raising these children before she had her own, for 8 years. That's a long time to not have a connect with children in your household. This is why the natural relatives are upset. They can see that you do not connect enough with them. It's better to treat all children equally because they are yours now. How does your husband see all this? I think you two should sit down and have a heart-2-heart because it's a very serious situation. No one should ever separate children they have taken on as their own to favor those from their loins. They all have to be loved and respected equally.

 

[BKVincy]

I think that its ridiculous for you to feel guilty or let someone make you feel guilty because you want to do more for your own two children to whom you GAVE BIRTH TOO.

The bond is not and will never be the same. Its not as if you dont have any children of your own to bond with why the heck should your kids take the backseat for someone elses mistakes that have NOTHING TO DO WITH THEM.

Do for your children girl and tell who ever dont like it they can go find some rocks to go kick

 

[Country gal]

I do see something totally wrong with it. If those kids are living in your house than all the children should be treated fairly. When you married your husband, the two children were already there. He was a packaged deal. You already feel slighted that your in laws do more for the first two. Don't you feel that the two oldest will feel the same way if you do more for your biological kids?

 

[LunadeMiel]

I think that its ridiculous for you to feel guilty or let someone make you feel guilty because you want to do more for your own two children to whom you GAVE BIRTH TOO.

The bond is not and will never be the same. Its not as if you dont have any children of your own to bond with why the heck should your kids take the backseat for someone elses mistakes that have NOTHING TO DO WITH THEM.

Do for your children girl and tell who ever dont like it they can go find some rocks to go kick

 

[HisBestFriend]

There is definately something wrong with that. Honey, you have FOUR kids and when it comes to doing for them, you have to do the same. You CANNOT treat those babies any different than if they came from your own womb. Children are gifts that can be easily damaged with even the slightest bit of neglect.

Now don't get me wrong. It is a normal human feeling to WANT to do less for them when it seems like others are going out of their way to do less for your biological kids. But you are an adult and have to figure out how to rise above the pettiness of others for the sake of the children.

I am raising/have raised 4 kids. Not neerr one of them were born to me. Two stepkids and my niece and nephew. It is hard to do for kids when they have a mother who isn't about anything; I know. But you have to do for them all the same until they demonstrate that they don't deserve it. - Nothing in your post indicates that the kids are bad kids

It takes strength and patience but if your heart in the right place you will do the right thing.

If you don't start you are going to be back here saying that your stepkids don't respect you and don't listen to you and wondering why they act like that.

 

[fuchsiastar]

I agree with everyone who has said you have FOUR children, not TWO. If you want to do for them, you have to do for FOUR of them.

 

[frankie]

sanserity30, do all 4 children live with you and your husband?

 

[LunadeMiel]

To the people saying that she has four children, how are you getting at this?
She gave birth to 2, her husband has 4 children, she does not. From what I gathered from the OP she has no legal claims to her husband's children...
Also, if she and her husband were to divorce, would she still have "four" children?
When does she stop being their mother?

 

[BKVincy]

^^^ also dont forget that the YOUNGEST two are hers
ages 5 and 2. Those two need alot of attention. Her stepchildren are not without and also get supported by the family. And she never mentioned anything about disowning them but more of doing more for the ones
she brought into the world.

She said that they were making her feel bad because she wants to do more for her own. Since when is that ok???

Imma be darned if someonemade me feel "bad" for kids who I brought outta my P%^&%
for someone elses sake.

Sorry Im not doing it.

 

[Country gal]

To the people saying that she has four children, how are you getting at this?
She gave birth to 2, her husband has 4 children, she does not. From what I gathered from the OP she has no legal claims to her husband's children...
Also, if she and her husband were to divorce, would she still have "four" children?
When does she stop being their mother?

She has 4 children that she is responsible for. Are the two step children living under her house? I could never ever ever get with a man who felt that my child was only mine and not his too. If we are living together as husband and wife than we need to be there for the kids.

 

[LunadeMiel]

She has 4 children that she is responsible for. Are the two step children living under her house? I could never ever ever get with a man who felt that my child was only mine and not his too. If we are living together as husband and wife than we need to be there for the kids.

ummmm......I disagree, but to each her own....

 

[Country gal]

^^^ also dont forget that the YOUNGEST two are hers
ages 5 and 2. Those two need alot of attention. Her stepchildren are not without and also get supported by the family. And she never mentioned anything about disowning them but more of doing more for the ones
she brought into the world.

She said that they were making her feel bad because she wants to do more for her own. Since when is that ok???

I feel the OP will be playing herself especially if her husband notices the different treatment. I would love to hear from step parents in this thread.

We aren't talking about attention. It sounds like she wants to do more for her biological kids because they came from her womb not because they need more attention. My uncle raised her wife's daughter. We treated her like she was our biological family member. My uncle was the only father she knew.

 

[Country gal]

ummmm......I disagree, but to each her own....

Yep, We don't have to be in sync with our views. We can disagree. If the poster wants handlers who will agree with her than she shouldn't have posted it.

 

[LunadeMiel]

Question OP: Your husband's youngest child is 8 but you two have been married for 8 years? Was the mother pregnant while you two were together?

 

[BKVincy]

I also think that its mostly the father who has to step and do what he has to do for his children whether his wife is participating or not. In the End He is their biological father who is still claiming responsibility for them. It is up to him to make sure that their are emotionally and financially stable.

 

[HisBestFriend]

If those kids spend any amount of time with her and especially if they live in the home then she should feel bad.

It's not about legal claim to the kids it is about being an adult and giving care and support to children within your moral reach. I have no legal claim to my step kids. It took my husband giving me a Power of Attorney for me to even take them to the doctor's office. But they are "my" kids none the less.

As one poster said, other relatives are probably trying to compensate for the dead beat mother. That is the issue that she needs to address with those adults. They would probably do less compensating if they knew that the kids had some sort of mother figure - be it deadbeat mom turned good OR stepmom treating them fairly.

Like I said I have two sets of kids from two different circumstances and under no circumstances would I ever treat them differently. Even though I feel like my stepkids mother should be doing more for them.

 

[fuchsiastar]

To the people saying that she has four children, how are you getting at this?
She gave birth to 2, her husband has 4 children, she does not. From what I gathered from the OP she has no legal claims to her husband's children...
Also, if she and her husband were to divorce, would she still have "four" children?
When does she stop being their mother?

She has four children and a husband that she is responsible for providing for, because they live under her roof. Just like if she took care of a niece or nephew, they would be her "child" and she would need to provide for them. I didn't really have a theory on it, but I guess my logic is this....
1. if the child lives in your home then they are your "child"
2. if the child came out of your body then they are your "child"

This is all IMHO, because i am neither married nor a mother. And I grew up with no step-parents, my parents are still married and had just me and my sis. So again, no first hand experience....but....my soon to be husband does have two children, and if they ever move in with us they will be provided for by me and treated as my "child". And if I have children with him, I would hope that I would not treat my husbands children any different than I treat my own. IDK for sure, because I haven't lived it though.

 

[Mortons]

She has four children and a husband that she is responsible for providing for

And thats the bottom line. Anyone else who doesnt not feel that step children will be your children do yourself and children a favor and find you a man with no children to marry. Being a step parent takes a certain amount of selflessness and I completely understand that some women dont have it in them. Therefore, a man with no kids is your best option.

OP: No it is NOT ok to do any more for any of your children than for the others.

 

[BKVincy]

She has four children and a husband that she is responsible for providing for, because they live under her roof. Just like if she took care of a niece or nephew, they would be her "child" and she would need to provide for them. I didn't really have a theory on it, but I guess my logic is this....
1. if the child lives in your home then they are your "child"
2. if the child came out of your body then they are your "child"

This is all IMHO, because i am neither married nor a mother. And I grew up with no step-parents, my parents are still married and had just me and my sis. So again, no first hand experience....but....my soon to be husband does have two children, and if they ever move in with us they will be provided for by me and treated as my "child". And if I have children with him, I would hope that I would not treat my husbands children any different than I treat my own. IDK for sure, because I haven't lived it though.

Im married and a mother. My husband has a son who does not live with us. Yes I do have a stepchild.

NO my husband DOES NOT expect me to take ANY responsibilty for his child even when said child lived with us for months because said childs mother had serious surgery. Said childs mother is also not up to par but thats for a different thread

HE TOOK RESPONSIBLITY FOR BOTH KIDS BECAUSE THEY ARE HIS CHILDREN. I have one child and I make it known so as to not CONFUSE anyone where I stand. I care about the welfare of his son yes of course hes a child but other than that I will not lose any sleep for said child he has a mother and father for that.

Thats the way it is with ME. so yes the OP has alot of decisions to make. With me you either love it or leave it. My child will ALWAYS COME FIRST.
I also refuse to confuse my child that she is in competition(sp) with said child cause in the end no matter how bad a mother is 9 times out of 10 said child will kick you in the face for their deadbeat mother in a heartbeat. Can you blame them??? its biological....

 

[LunadeMiel]

Im married and a mother. My husband has a son who does not live with us. Yes I do have a stepchild.

NO my husband DOES NOT expect me to take ANY responsibilty for his child even when said child lived with us for months because said childs mother had serious surgery. Said childs mother is also not up to par but thats for a different thread

HE TOOK RESPONSIBLITY FOR BOTH KIDS BECAUSE THEY ARE HIS CHILDREN. I have one child and I make it known so as to not CONFUSE anyone where I stand. I care about the welfare of his son yes of course hes a child but other than that I will not lose any sleep for said child he has a mother and father for that.

Thats the way it is with ME. so yes the OP has alot of decisions to make. With me you either love it or leave it. My child will ALWAYS COME FIRST.
I also refuse to confuse my child that she is in competition(sp) with said child cause in the end no matter how bad a mother is 9 times out of 10 said child will kick you in the face for their deadbeat mother in a heartbeat. Can you blame them??? its biological....

I grew up with a stepfather that I did not get along with because I refuse to treat him like "my" dad. As long as I show you respect that is all that is necessary. When my mother took his children in because their mom was a deadbeat, it came to bite her right in the arse....

Also, I don't understand what is selfish about favoring your own. Although we humans like to think that we are so evolved, biology still has a major impact on how we react to and view things. It is only natural to favor your own and to want them to fare off better.

 

[Caramela]

If you do for one you have to do for them all. ESPECIALLY since their biological mother is a "dead beat".
You're the only mother they know.

 

[BKVincy]

I grew up with a stepfather that I did not get along with because I refuse to treat him like "my" dad. As long as I show you respect that is all that is necessary. When my mother took his children in because their mom was a deadbeat, it came to bite her right in the arse....

Also, I don't understand what is selfish about favoring your own. Although we humans like to think that we are so evolved, biology still has a major impact on how we react to and view things. It is only natural to favor your own and what them to fair off better.

This I think is typical. thats why me not inna it.
I also had a stepfather and My mother did not expect him to take responsibilty for me; I was her child and my father always made sure he was a father.

 

[syze6]

Children are children to me, whether they are step or not. You had them since they were very young ,and being married to their dad makes them just as much yours, if not yours. I have a heart that allows me to love all children the same. I think if you do for one, you do for them all. I have two children and I will never come home with something for one and not the other. It's just wrong!

I think it's unfair to children, when their is a difference made between them. This is why siblings kill each other. They have been made to feel inadequate to each other by the parents. They grow up harboring resentment toward each other, and it's all because of favoritism. I saw a story about a brother who killed his one brother, a famous basketball player and he killed himself. He felt that all his life his brother was the favorite and successful one.

 

[Country gal]

Im married and a mother. My husband has a son who does not live with us. Yes I do have a stepchild.

NO my husband DOES NOT expect me to take ANY responsibilty for his child even when said child lived with us for months because said childs mother had serious surgery. Said childs mother is also not up to par but thats for a different thread

HE TOOK RESPONSIBLITY FOR BOTH KIDS BECAUSE THEY ARE HIS CHILDREN. I have one child and I make it known so as to not CONFUSE anyone where I stand. I care about the welfare of his son yes of course hes a child but other than that I will not lose any sleep for said child he has a mother and father for that.

Thats the way it is with ME. so yes the OP has alot of decisions to make. With me you either love it or leave it. My child will ALWAYS COME FIRST.
I also refuse to confuse my child that she is in competition(sp) with said child cause in the end no matter how bad a mother is 9 times out of 10 said child will kick you in the face for their deadbeat mother in a heartbeat. Can you blame them??? its biological....

Wow. Your husband was cool with it?

 

[BKVincy]

Wow. Your husband was cool with it?

Yes he was.
And if he didnt and doesnt I have some rocks on standby for him.
I have very strong beliefs when it comes to this situation.
Im not trying to be cold but it is what it is....
But at the same time
he loves his children so much its not an issue....
the only thing he really expects from me
that we have agreed on is that he has food in the
house for his children.that man cant boil water..

I guess I just lucked out on this one...

wow me and LunadeMiel are devils advocates for the day