Because you want him to vs. he wants to?

[Fine 4s]

Hey ladies,

Would you want your SO, FH or DH to take action because you needed him to (and that's all that matters) or because he concluded he needed to do it on his own terms or based on his own revelations. Which one matters more to you? Which one is more genuine or 'sticks' more?

I'm torn on this one. I can understand the argument that says, if something is hurtful or causes concern etc. my partner should do whatever in his/her power to eliminate that concern.

The other argument says no, S/He should do it because s/he came to their own realization that it needed to be done and not merely because his/her partner demanded them to do it.

What do you believe?

 

[BGT]

The other argument says no, S/He should do it because s/he came to their own realization that it needed to be done and not merely because his/her partner demanded them to do it.

Sometimes men are dumb so this doesn't work. I'd PREFER that SO could come to that conclusion on his own, but at the same time, I don't want to tell him what to do. I'd like to learn the art of subconscious persuasion: telling a man what you want them to do, but phrasing it in a way that he feels like he came up with it himself.

 

[BGT]

For example: I was showing SO some college programs I think he might be interested in. He's really good with computers so I was showing him different IT programs. Then he did his own research and was telling his parents about "his" decision to go back to school in the spring.

 

[Lymegreen]

It doesn't matter to me. If my DH needs a clue I'll give it to him. If he doesn't get the clue then I'll make a request.

I don't expect him to be a mind reader and sometimes we just don't see things the exact same way. But, if I express that something is important to me and he brushes it off then .... I'd be hurt .

 

[Theresamonet]

It doesn't really matter to me, just as long as it gets done. There are plenty of things that we both do solely to make other person happy. I don't think there is anything dishonorable about doing something simply because you care about the person making the request. It's difficult to anticipate EVERYTHING someone else will except you to do. Sometimes you need to be thrown a bone, and have it plainly spelled out for you, what the other person wants.

 

[PeaceFlow]

I don't care really.

Only thing I cant be bothered with is if it takes a load of begging and pleading. I figure if you have to beg and break down many times that is not a good sign.

Me and my SO are most of the time "Oh OK, you really don't like that... I wont do it". Either that, or we reach some kind of compromise. Obviously I have to self check myself to make sure I'm not being over the top, but if I do have a problem I'm lucky SO is pretty receptive and vice versa.

The experience I've had with a past ex where I had to beg, plead and give an ultimatum...he stopped talking to this destructive person for a few years then they regained contact in secret. I feel when someone is extremely resistant it means that thing means a lot to them. Just going off my experience, I wouldn't trust it in the future.

 

[Fine 4s]

I don't care really.

The experience I've had with a past ex where I had to beg, plead and give an ultimatum...he stopped talking to this destructive person for a few years then they regained contact in secret. I feel when someone is extremely resistant it means that thing means a lot to them. Just going off my experience, I wouldn't trust it in the future.

Good points!

See how they regained contact in secret? That's precisely why sometimes it's best for people to come to their own conclusion on whether to take a certain action or not. But I can also appreciate someone who would do or not do something simply because I don't like it, I just question whether it's the best route.

I also think that meeting resistance can be useful. Yes it means it was important to the person, but so what? We all have things that are important to us that we still give up for our partners so we shouldn't penalize them for valuing something or someone. The resistance can serve as a resource to self evaluate WHY that particular thing is so important and test it.

 

[PeaceFlow]

Good points!


I also think that meeting resistance can be useful. Yes it means it was important to the person, but so what? We all have things that are important to us that we still give up for our partners so we shouldn't penalize them for valuing something or someone. The resistance can serve as a resource to self evaluate WHY that particular thing is so important and test it.

I think my philosophy has changed a lot over the years. I'm not giving up anything thats very important to me for a partner and I don't expect them to. Compromise yep, but I'm not giving some things up totally, like travelling abroad alone for example, or giving up friends. Unless of course there's a obvious reason to do so.

I think I misinterpreted the OP. In terms of things that may have been an issue that cause arguments, I think it feels better if the person did it of their own accord. In the case of my ex he said he'd realised that she was destructive and she shouldnt have talked to me that way. So his reasons pointed to introspection. However, I had to give him an ultimatum to get him to that point, so is that totally of his own accord. IDK. Thats why, how many times I'd have to ask means something to me.

I love it when my current SO listens to me the first time and stops doing things, or compromises purely because he doesn't want to hurt me. I try to do the same with him, as long as it's not asking me to give up something important of course. I don't think he's battled with me over anything. Its much more simple this way lol and peaceful. JMO but for me if I had to beg over something without being offered a compromise I'd take it as a bad sign.

 

[Fine 4s]

traveling alone abroad...
Scared of you...why wouldn't you give that up? Wouldn't it be more fun with him? Do tell....