Attraction, Weight, Thoughts

luthiengirlie said:
@Chicoro that's who my trainer was for me.. he really forced me to look at myself.. it's been a process of healing and understanding. and true who wants to felt settled for.. that's not a nice feeling. I am 32 I really feel like i'm at the cusp of some personal leap of evolution. I finally decided to stop settling ina lot of ways
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Folks never come into your life by accident or coincidence.
Good for you that you recognized the blessing that he brought to you: Healing and Understanding.
 
luthiengirlie said:
I do realize that. I think i just need to figure out how to get past "put dude in friendzone" mode
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I think you should like what you like without feeling guilty about it. I'm not attracted to fat men at all. There are men who workout and have muscles, but they are fatty over the muscles. I'm not attracted to that, either.

I workout, but my body is curvy and a bit overweight. I've accepted this about myself. I'll slim down, but then pop back to the same size. I just try to be healthy and maintain. My SO is physically fit. He works out twice per day, and has an amazing body with nice muscles that show. He loves my curvy, overweight body. You don't have to be fit to attract a fit man.
 
Ipanema said:
I think you should like what you like without feeling guilty about it. I'm not attracted to fat men at all. There are men who workout and have muscles, but they are fatty over the muscles. I'm not attracted to that, either.

I workout, but my body is curvy and a bit overweight. I've accepted this about myself. I'll slim down, but then pop back to the same size. I just try to be healthy and maintain. My SO is physically fit. He works out twice per day, and has an amazing body with nice muscles that show. He loves my curvy, overweight body. You don't have to be fit to attract a fit man.
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Thats totally amazing. I believe the same thing will happen for me. I just need to do my inner work and pull myself togethet a little bit more which is what i'm on the way to doing
 
luthiengirlie said:
grateful... I had to fire him cause.. emotions.. but we are cool and talk rom time to time.. but I am grateful for the wakeup call he gave
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@luthiengirlie I don’t know if I would have fired ‘ole trainer boy, if he met all of my training needs. Instead, I would be even more motivated to get to my goal weight and have him drool every time we worked out. But......not take it any further. I guess I just have devilish :angeldevil:ways.
 
GetHappy2014 said:
@luthiengirlie I don’t know if I would have fired ‘ole trainer boy, if he met all of my training needs. Instead, I would be even more motivated to get to my goal weight and have him drool every time we worked out. But......not take it any further. I guess I just have devilish :angeldevil:ways.
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I'm gonna hire him back in January. I just needed to get myself to stop being like.. He shoulda been mine.. why doesn't he WANT MEEEEEEEEEEEEE...
now i'm like oh.. cool. @GetHappy2014
 
luthiengirlie said:
Well he was my trainer... actually.. he friendzoned me pretty quickly.. i was actually really hurt cause i left an abusive relationship 2 years prior where i dealt with constant rejection and abandonment.. and then i met him.. fresh air.. funny could connect with.. MY type. He rejected me too.. so it was a double whammy.. and it honestly made me question my self worth for a minute
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Maybe you should chill on approaching dudes.
 
You like what you like same as men like what they like. You dont have to settle because you CAN find the man that meets all your needs.
Things you can compromise on do but you have to be happy in the long run. I wanted a really tall man...mine is a little shorter than I like (hes 6'1) but I can live with that.
Get what you want for yourself and for yourself ( yes I meant to say it twice) but dont feel like you gotta be a certain size to live up to someone's standards. Never do that to yourself because you'll spend most of you energy wondering if you still measure up in his eyes. Get the person that's for you without you having to change drastically.
 
I haven't read the thread. Its ok for you to want what you want. Men are encouraged to shoot out of their leagues, you as a woman need to feel encouraged and have the confidence to wait for someone you feel is in your league..someone you don't mind looking at across the room.

Fat dudes will hit on you if you cute at any size. No escaping that and that's the way it is.

That said, I like big men. What kinda work they do....send them my way. :lachen::lachen:I kid. I kid. Lemme read this thread...hopefully this doesn't shift to a story about a broke fat dude because they need a pick a struggle.

ETA: Some good advice in this thread. I definitely agree with the work on yourself while you get yourself out there, though I would pause approaching men until you've done more work on yourself and evaluate if that's the most effective way to get the kind of men you want.

It also still sounds like hiring that trainer in January would still be too soon. You're doing better now that you're only just talking again and not seeing each other several times a week, but seeing him regularly could reopen some of those wounds. Be careful Dear.
 
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I'm also on my weight loss journey and I've had no issues attracting gym rats with all my fluff. It's because I'm ok with who I am. They find icecream and chocolate in my fridge all the time.

Breathe a little and relax. Show yourself friendly and approachable. Ask questions about equipment and say thanks and go about your business. Guys like being helpful. Be consistent and one of those guys you like will eventually come up to you.

Don't ooze anxiety. Men can sense it. Be soft, feminine, and wear nice looking gym clothes that accent your natural curves. Be confident and you'll attract what you like. They can see that you are working on your weight and that is a major plus. Change your energy and a gym rat may just help you drop the last few pounds in the middle of smooches and all that good stuff.
 
okange76 said:
I'm also on my weight loss journey and I've had no issues attracting gym rats with all my fluff. It's because I'm ok with who I am. They find icecream and chocolate in my fridge all the time.

Breathe a little and relax. Show yourself friendly and approachable. Ask questions about equipment and say thanks and go about your business. Guys like being helpful. Be consistent and one of those guys you like will eventually come up to you.

Don't ooze anxiety. Men can sense it. Be soft, feminine, and wear nice looking gym clothes that accent your natural curves. Be confident and you'll attract what you like. They can see that you are working on your weight and that is a major plus. Change your energy and a gym rat may just help you drop the last few pounds in the middle of smooches and all that good stuff.
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^^^ This.

I've never been overweight but I go to the gym very frequently. These men be in there with their gfs working out. Their gfs are not small lol

There are plenty of muscular guys that actually like bigger women
 
okange76 said:
I'm also on my weight loss journey and I've had no issues attracting gym rats with all my fluff. It's because I'm ok with who I am. They find icecream and chocolate in my fridge all the time.

Breathe a little and relax. Show yourself friendly and approachable. Ask questions about equipment and say thanks and go about your business. Guys like being helpful. Be consistent and one of those guys you like will eventually come up to you.

Don't ooze anxiety. Men can sense it. Be soft, feminine, and wear nice looking gym clothes that accent your natural curves. Be confident and you'll attract what you like. They can see that you are working on your weight and that is a major plus. Change your energy and a gym rat may just help you drop the last few pounds in the middle of smooches and all that good stuff.
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It sounds like i'm communicating a message of desperation and anxiety in the way I deal with things.. thats something I have to work on for sure
 
intellectualuva said:
I haven't read the thread. Its ok for you to want what you want. Men are encouraged to shoot out of their leagues, you as a woman need to feel encouraged and have the confidence to wait for someone you feel is in your league..someone you don't mind looking at across the room.

Fat dudes will hit on you if you cute at any size. No escaping that and that's the way it is.

That said, I like big men. What kinda work they do....send them my way. :lachen::lachen:I kid. I kid. Lemme read this thread...hopefully this doesn't shift to a story about a broke fat dude because they need a pick a struggle.

ETA: Some good advice in this thread. I definitely agree with the work on yourself while you get yourself out there, though I would pause approaching men until you've done more work on yourself and evaluate if that's the most effective way to get the kind of men you want.

It also still sounds like hiring that trainer in January would still be too soon. You're doing better now that you're only just talking again and not seeing each other several times a week, but seeing him regularly could reopen some of those wounds. Be careful Dear.
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I am learning a whole lot about qorth and how to communicate it
 
My thoughts? Men never hold themselves to the standard of you have to be what you want to attract. NEVER. And while I am not on some Steve Harvey think like a man crap, I do believe that women hold themselves to these super stringent standards on when they can finally go for what they want without all this crazy guilt, self deprecation, low self esteem attached. Like you're fat and don't like fat men, don't date them ninjas. I hear fat men say that all the time, and guess what they don't care what the optics look like to other people because they value their own wants enough to feel like they deserve it. Get out there and get you a a muscle bound dude if that's what you want, life is too short, the bare minimum we owe ourselves is to own and accept the things we want in this life.
 
RoundEyedGirl504 said:
My thoughts? Men never hold themselves to the standard of you have to be what you want to attract. NEVER. And while I am not on some Steve Harvey think like a man crap, I do believe that women hold themselves to these super stringent standards on when they can finally go for what they want without all this crazy guilt, self deprecation, low self esteem attached. Like you're fat and don't like fat men, don't date them ninjas. I hear fat men say that all the time, and guess what they don't care what the optics look like to other people because they value their own wants enough to feel like they deserve it. Get out there and get you a a muscle bound dude if that's what you want, life is too short, the bare minimum we owe ourselves is to own and accept the things we want in this life.
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^^^^^

I’ve seen a few “odd” pairings of traditionally/stereotypically handsome men with what one (in western society) would consider average women (aka not slender/thin/etc...).

I think for men who aren’t just looking for a trophy, it’ll be a matter of lifestyle: can you go to the gym together? Eat similar types of stuff to keep healthy, etc... not necessarily how much do you weigh.

Truth be told, I like men who care for their physical shape too, but during my dating years, would have run away from anyone who displayed controlling/obsessive type behavior regarding weight. As a woman, I already deal with weight insecurities in my head; I don’t need a men looking at me sideways if I want to enjoy a cookie.

So TLDR, those muscly gym rats can be a pain to live with if you pick one with body image issues he projects on you, but there are others who want to be in shape but would still go for a curvy/soft in the right places/insert your label woman.

Worst mistake would be to hold your nose and “settle” for a fat guy for whom you feel no attraction.
 
PatTodd said:
You’re getting great self-esteem advice in this thread, but from a practical standpoint, if you want to attract the muscleheads, LIFT HEAVY. Use the free weights and ask if you can work in with them. Trust me, they LOOOVE that!
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Agreed. Self esteem will keep a man interested.
Free weights will get you sexy. I used to watch the way guys did things and then try it myself. If I was curious about a machine I would find an approachable guy (so not a group of four or five guys being rowdy and chugging from gallon jugs while chest bumping) and gently ask him (without interrupting his set) for help. I would smile and be cute but never talk “down” about my attempts or anything. Then I would thank him warmly and even if I didn’t like doing the exercise, I would complete it since he took the time to show me. If nothing else, you’ll get a great spotter out the deal! And some eye candy. I’m a grade A creep. I won’t go to a gym that doesn’t specialize in sexy black men
 
kikigirl said:
^^^^^

I’ve seen a few “odd” pairings of traditionally/stereotypically handsome men with what one (in western society) would consider average women (aka not slender/thin/etc...).

I think for men who aren’t just looking for a trophy, it’ll be a matter of lifestyle: can you go to the gym together? Eat similar types of stuff to keep healthy, etc... not necessarily how much do you weigh.

Truth be told, I like men who care for their physical shape too, but during my dating years, would have run away from anyone who displayed controlling/obsessive type behavior regarding weight. As a woman, I already deal with weight insecurities in my head; I don’t need a men looking at me sideways if I want to enjoy a cookie.

So TLDR, those muscly gym rats can be a pain to live with if you pick one with body image issues he projects on you, but there are others who want to be in shape but would still go for a curvy/soft in the right places/insert your label woman.

Worst mistake would be to hold your nose and “settle” for a fat guy for whom you feel no attraction.
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@kikigirl i go to the gym . I workout I LOVE DOING THAT.. so its not like.. ooo i'm fat accept me.. i'm not evolving.
Can we hit the gym together.. YES can we try several forms of food/diet.. YES.. heck Ive asked my friends to go hiking and they run from ito_O. I think theres a major difference between insecurities and.... secure in who they are.
 
PatTodd said:
You’re getting great self-esteem advice in this thread, but from a practical standpoint, if you want to attract the muscleheads, LIFT HEAVY. Use the free weights and ask if you can work in with them. Trust me, they LOOOVE that!
Click to expand...
They're actually very nice about sharing machines and weights.

Sometimes they'll even encourage you
 
You will have to lose weight to attract the type of man you want. I learned that many years ago, it may not be fair morally, but humans are very superficial beings. All that "be comfortable at the weight you are" is not going to attract the type of man you looking for, unless you want to be used and taken advantage of, but a man with substance will be more attracted to you at a smaller weight.
 
**SaSSy** said:
You will have to lose weight to attract the type of man you want. I learned that many years ago, it may not be fair morally, but humans are very superficial beings. All that "be comfortable at the weight you are" is not going to attract the type of man you looking for, unless you want to be used and taken advantage of, but a man with substance will be more attracted to you at a smaller weight.
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I agree... i'm just learning how to navigate not being like.. dude i'm not attracted to you and their reaction is well why areyou so picky.. I cant help who i'm attracted to.. there are plenty of bbw who LOVE big men. I'm just not one of them.
 
**SaSSy** said:
You will have to lose weight to attract the type of man you want. I learned that many years ago, it may not be fair morally, but humans are very superficial beings. All that "be comfortable at the weight you are" is not going to attract the type of man you looking for, unless you want to be used and taken advantage of, but a man with substance will be more attracted to you at a smaller weight.
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This is not true.
 
Other person, that's amazing that you're hitting the gym. Working out is great for our health, both physically and mentally, which will really help with attracting the man you want. You commented that overweight men approach you. That tells me that you must look approachable, which is a huge plus! Since the muscular men are the ones you like, continue to work out like you have been doing, which will allow you to attract the type of man you desire.
 
Lylddlebit said:
[




I would like you to consider your mindset before you get everything you're asking for. I have always been small. However before my husband I had a long term relationship with an overweight dude. Quoting from a past post I made “There were a lot of practical limitations that were introduced into our relationship because his weight gain that didn't meet the eye. He literally began to resent me because of his weight gain. Strangers would often mistake him for a relative instead of a partner based on the disparity in our physical appearances. I’d like to tell you being supportive, and encouraging without trying to change them has a positive impact, but that wasn’t the case for me. It doesn't matter how much potential a relationship has, if your partner has a major insecurity about something to the point where they don't believe they deserve you, then the relationship is doomed.”


I am pretty sure a guy who you are attracted to will fall for you if your a good catch, extra weight and all. I was around here working out cooking healthy meal making sure his clothes fit at every size in that relationship to be "super girlfriend" and make him feel valued at whatever size. Always represented my relationship with pride"Lyddlebit is that your cousin?"... "Nope that's my dude". A man would look right past him and hit on me. I would get pissed and be like " you see my boyfriend right here I know you see him". Sometimes they would be like "I'm sorry no disrespect I really didn't realize ya'll were together". Other times they knew they were just trying it to see if I would allow it. I could be committed, passionate and faithful. I couldn't be accountable for his self work and self esteem. Consider how the stupid things other people will do and say will make you feel. Consider how you feel about yourself as a bottom line without anybody thoughts other than your own. Consider how you feel standing next to a woman who is your perception of "ideal" and make sure you are confident why your man is lucky to have specifically you. Most importantly be able to handle any lingering negativity in healthy ways so your relationship can flourish once you have it.
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Wow and thats what having good and high self esteem is all about.
 
BillsBackerz67 said:
Just do you and the rest will come. If you don’t like chubby men you don’t like chubby men. You have to sleep with these people not the rest of us. So do you. And truth be told IME most fit black men I’ve come across do not have gym rats for girlfriends. Mostly it’s white men that have that requirement. Logging off.
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Yeah all the black men I know who are gym rats like thicker or bigger women. Shrugs

It’s the bigger men who like fit or shape women in my experience.
 
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brownb83 said:
Yeah all the black men I know who are gym rats like thicker or bigger women. Shrugs

It’s the bigger men who like fit or shape women in my experience.
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Unfortunately I would have to agree. The fit guys I’ve dated havent had an issue with my weight. One guy liked to grab my belly during shenanigans :look: and it took all I had to let him do it because I hate my belly. I find it super unsexy. But the menz like my squishy bits
 
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