Attraction - A Must Have???

[Duff]

Ladies, please please come in and comment. did you have attraction or chemistry for your DH/SO when you 1st met? if no, how long did it take for it to develop? was it something he did or something you "realized?" OR are you the type of person and knows instantly there is attraction/chemistry or none will ever develope. I'm in this situation now. dating this great guy and right now there is nothing. I am just considering it as I dont want to waste his or my time.

 

[BKVincy]

YES I still remember the day I met my husband as if it was yesterday... he got me with that damn smile

Ive been in a relationship where I thought that feelings would build..he was a great guy loving caring and crazy about me but it just didnt work


MY DH is stubborn drives me crazy and is a royal pain in my butt but I love him to death and I couldnt be happier

 

[RockCreak]

oooohhh! I did...

It was his whole personality.. he was outside of the "norm" that I was used to... and he was a "treat her like a lady" type of guy.

Old fashion and Old school! I just love'em!

 

[ScorpionQueen]

No I didn't feel chemistry or attraction with him the first time we met..I thought he was cute but I was dating someone else, who I thought was right for me but turned out to be Mr Wrong) and I was stubborn and didn't want to see what was in front of me..luckily I kept my future husband around as a friend and figured it all out a month or two later..

 

[ThickHair]

With the older gentleman I dated, Heck no there was no chemistry, but he seemed like a nice guy. We went out and he treated me well and ended up having crazy chemistry. We are still good friends even though we no longer date.

With my exhusband, we had chemistry before we even knew we would get together.

 

[Rastafarai]

Ladies, please please come in and comment. did you have attraction or chemistry for your DH/SO when you 1st met? if no, how long did it take for it to develop? was it something he did or something you "realized?" OR are you the type of person and knows instantly there is attraction/chemistry or none will ever develope. I'm in this situation now. dating this great guy and right now there is nothing. I am just considering it as I dont want to waste his or my time.

Question for you: do you see yourself falling in love with this guy?

 

[Nyssa28]

There was instant attraction....That's what got me, the personality is what kept me.

 

[ChasingBliss]

Oh yes, I can still see him walking up to me...those eyes, that smile, that confidence, that walk....It was instant.

 

[ClassicBeauty]

Not for me. DH grew on me over time.

 

[Duff]

looks like there are answers from both ends......

 

[Duff]

Question for you: do you see yourself falling in love with this guy?

Honestly I cant tell. part of me says no and the other feels it could be possible once I get to know him more. but there is no draw or pull to him, I can say and he is slight older than me.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

This is a GREAT question! And one that I've been wondering for a while now.

I just want a guy who I can at least say that I think is cute. Is that too much to ask??

I don't have a whole lot of experience with guys/dating in general, but so far, it's very rare for me that a guy that likes me or dates me is one that I find attractive AND just dazzling me w/chemistry.

I believe he's out there somewhere.... And I think you CAN get the whole "package" (looks AND great chemistry and personality) But...idk...so far it hasn't happened to me yet.
I'm not even even that picky when it comes to looks! He doesn't have to look like a GQ model! Sheesh!

But so far, most of the guys who have been "crazy" about me haven't been all that "attractive" to ME. But over time, some guys have grown on me...some not at ALL. It all depends I think. Looks aren't everything though, but chemistry and personality will definitely KEEP you.

There was one guy who I was dating, and he wasn't all that great looking (in fact he was more borderline a little on the ugly side lol), but he had a GREAT personality, he treated me right, and we would have the most amaaaazing conversations!! We had awesome chemistry. So, overtime I didn't even see his "looks"....I just saw him for him.

So, looks aren't everything...but for a guy to even get on my radar he has to either be fairly decent-looking, OR he has to have wonderful charm, personality, or chemistry between us.

 

[MrsAriannaAmbers]

I had to have that attraction...I remember the day we met...I went over to him..He was trying to play shy...and we hit it off instantly and its been love every since...

 

[Renewed1]

My ex no attraction what's so ever!!!

Now, I'm attracted to a male friend of mine. It was the weirdest thing, he facebooked me (we grew up together lost touch) and I went to look at his profile and my girly bits got excited over his PICTURE!!!! I chalked it up to being horny....at first. But we actually talk over the phone now and I still feel that attraction with his voice. The only thing I know is I never felt an attraction like this for any other guy...>EVER!

But to answer your question, I feel physical attraction is VERY IMPORTANT in a relationship. Without it.....it's just a friendship.

 

[Tybi]

^^^ I agree with changed too. I have been physically attracted to all of the men I have dated. I have an unconventional idea of what is attractive anyway so I am not necessarily falling for Mr. tall dark and handsome either.

Attraction goes beyond physical, it is so much more dynamic. I am paired up with a guy in my class whom I should theoretically be trying to pursue. Smart, educated, hard working, great career, nice car, home, great attitude, etc etc. But you know, there is just no attraction there whatsoever. I could go out and have a beer with him, but I just could not imagine sharing my life with him. I dont feel that chemistry. Life is too short to settle. Ending up alone scares me, but how long could I pull of a charade of trying to make something grow where it shouldn't.

 

[Latomian]

My ex, I would say that I had no initial attraction to...then there was some...bt I couldn't say there was ever chemistry. I couldn't ever picture myself being head over heels with him (I've been talking to some grown women ab what I need to look for, lol).

The guy I'm dating...he's more attractive sometimes (like, when he smiles), we have great conversations, he adores me (which is new for me) but I could never see myself falling in love with him.

So, maybe yes?

(wish I was some kinda help, lol)

 

[MrsAriannaAmbers]

I agree that attraction is a combination of things...For me...it was beyond his looks (woo even though it don't hurt)...its his smile, the way he greets/talks to me...the way when he pisses me off he grabs my face and kisses my nose...the way he handles me overall. It also helps that the man is confident/has swagger (meaning he's a protector & provider), humorous and intelligent.
We also are ever evolving best friends.

He ain't perfect now but neither am I but I love his imperfections as well, the snoring, the messiness and the "why do it take 50-11 pots for you to make fries and hot dogs?"...thats what keeps the attraction going.

So can you grow to become attractive to someone...you sure can but my only concern would be is there going to be an emptiness always there within you wondering what if or have a case of shoulda/woulda/couldas down the line because you never were quite on board in the first place?

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Not for me. DH grew on me over time.

Hmm....how much "time" did it take for him to grow on you?


Great thread! This is something I wonder myself. Surely there is SOMEONE out there for me that I fancy and that fancies me as well!

 

[tiara76]

people can grow on you over time..however the problem arises when they don't grow on you and you keep trying to force something thats not there, so the question is just "how long" does it take for somebody to "grow" on you...are you "forcing" yourself to be around somebody because of x, y z...or are you really open to seeing whats up with this person....attraction is an energy that draws you to somebody and would be a great ideal if they were attracted back to you...

my first love i used to say that i wasn't attracted to him, yet i wanted him around me all the time, would look for him when he wasn't around..I was dating somebody else and anytime somebody would mention me liking him I would be like im not feelin him like that...if they said he likes you I would be like...so Im not feelin him like that...when all along i was always attracted to him even though consciously I kept saying and thinking i wasn't...so he didn't grow on me, i just didn't "recognize" him yet as somebody for me

 

[JustKiya]

Ah, a different thread.

There was no physical attraction when I first saw DH. There was more 'Good lord, what does this short bald high yalla dude want with me?'

Then he opened his mouth and started talking, and I felt an instant shock of chemistry and connection with his mind. That chemistry spilled over to engulf all of him, and it didn't take very long, either.

So - I was attracted to him, but I wasn't physically attracted. There was chemistry, but it wasn't initially sexual chemistry.

Over time, the physical attraction developed. He's still not my 'type'. The dudes I drool over do not look like him. But I love him with all my heart, and can't imagine a better man to have chosen for my husband.

So, I think there needs to be SOME kind of attraction - some kind of interest - something about him that makes you look forward to talking to him. It ain't gotta be his face or his body, though. It might be his mind. It might be his wallet. But whatever it is, it should be there to give you a base to 'grow' on.

 

[Britt]

Attraction is def a must. It doesn't have to be instaneously, but it should at least develop over time. By attraction, it doesn't have to be based on looks only, it could be overall appearance, personality, something has to draw you to him where you can see yourself w/ this person romantically. It doesn't have to be 'love at first sight' type lust.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

Nope. I didnt think he was attractive initially and I was not attracted to him. Overtime from observing him, I fell for his "swag" (cliche I know buts it true). He become more and more attractive to me over time.

 

[phynestone]

I have to be attracted to a man besides good looks. If he's not physically attractive to me and he doesn't have what I'm looking for besides looks, then he's probably not going to grow on me. I will not waste my time with someone I feel blah about. It's not fair to them or myself.

Now, I have gone out with guys I wasn't attracted to and it didn't work out for several reasons. I'm open to new things and I try not to be superficial, but I will marry someone I'm passionate about.

 

[NYLegalNewbie]

Yes. I can't date someone without a genuine attraction.

In the least, I have to think a guy is at least "cute," otherwise, he won't even pop up on my register. There have been times when I've been drawn to a guy's personality as opposed to looks. But unfortunately, when it came time to "color," the personality alone did not do it for me at all, and it caused huge problems.

However, a guy who's just "cute" can really, REALLY become hot to me if I am really into his personality.

 

[Americka]

It was his smile. No phoniness or leering, but a genuine smile. I was initially attracted to his physical stature - 6'4 250. But it is his ability to make me laugh that kept me. The chemistry developed a few weeks later and has been in overdrive ever since.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

people can grow on you over time..however the problem arises when they don't grow on you and you keep trying to force something thats not there, so the question is just "how long" does it take for somebody to "grow" on you...are you "forcing" yourself to be around somebody because of x, y z...or are you really open to seeing whats up with this person....attraction is an energy that draws you to somebody and would be a great ideal if they were attracted back to you...

Exactly! This is what I mean! I don't want to "force" something that isn't there. Plus, how long does it really realistically take to even develop that attraction? I mean sure, in some cultures the marriages are arranged by the families, so eventually throughout the years, the couple end up falling in love with each other. But honestly, I don't want an "arranged" marriage, or a guy who I have to force myself to like or be attracted to.

my first love i used to say that i wasn't attracted to him, yet i wanted him around me all the time, would look for him when he wasn't around..I was dating somebody else and anytime somebody would mention me liking him I would be like im not feelin him like that...if they said he likes you I would be like...so Im not feelin him like that...when all along i was always attracted to him even though consciously I kept saying and thinking i wasn't...so he didn't grow on me, i just didn't "recognize" him yet as somebody for me

Ha...see I wish I could even say that. I don't particularly look forward to SEEING him really at all. I like his words, his compliments, his attention, etc....ALL of that. In fact, you WANT a man to feel so wonderful about you. That's what I WANT! But, when you don't feel exactly the same way....it gets complicated. IDK...I'm still trying to give him a chance, because he is being nice, and after getting over an "ex" guy friend of mine who I was "in love" with but who was only lukewarm about me, I feel like I DESERVE a guy to be madly INTO me. But now...why can't I find one that is into me that I'm into too?

*sigh* Maybe I should just allow this guy to "woo" me, but also keep my eyes out for someone else who might come along. I'm not going to stress over it too much. It's not like he's proposed marriage or anything. I'll just keep my options open.

Over time, the physical attraction developed. He's still not my 'type'. The dudes I drool over do not look like him. But I love him with all my heart, and can't imagine a better man to have chosen for my husband.

So, I think there needs to be SOME kind of attraction - some kind of interest - something about him that makes you look forward to talking to him. It ain't gotta be his face or his body, though. It might be his mind. It might be his wallet. But whatever it is, it should be there to give you a base to 'grow' on.

Yes, I agree. It doesn't have to be his looks, but for me there has to be SOME kind of attraction there that makes me feel "giddy" when I'm with him. You know?? I don't even care if a guy isn't my usual "type"...tha'ts okay! But I should at least be attracted to him in some way.

Yes. I can't date someone without a genuine attraction.

In the least, I have to think a guy is at least "cute," otherwise, he won't even pop up on my register. There have been times when I've been drawn to a guy's personality as opposed to looks. But unfortunately, when it came time to "color," the personality alone did not do it for me at all, and it caused huge problems.

However, a guy who's just "cute" can really, REALLY become hot to me if I am really into his personality.

Right! This is how I feel too! I would at least like to think the guy is "cute". He can impress me w/his personality later on, but I would at least like to feel like I would want to get to know this guy better.

With this current guy, I almost feel like I'm settling, and I don't think it should feel this way.

 

[NYLegalNewbie]

Ha...see I wish I could even say that. I don't particularly look forward to SEEING him really at all. I like his words, his compliments, his attention, etc....ALL of that. In fact, you WANT a man to feel so wonderful about you. That's what I WANT! But, when you don't feel exactly the same way....it gets complicated. IDK...I'm still trying to give him a chance, because he is being nice, and after getting over an "ex" guy friend of mine who I was "in love" with but who was only lukewarm about me, I feel like I DESERVE a guy to be madly INTO me. But now...why can't I find one that is into me that I'm into too?

*sigh* Maybe I should just allow this guy to "woo" me, but also keep my eyes out for someone else who might come along. I'm not going to stress over it too much. It's not like he's proposed marriage or anything. I'll just keep my options open.

How many times have you gone out with him?

If he's a really nice guy who treats you well, I'd say go out with him about 5 or 6 times (if you haven't already). If after that time frame, you find that you really enjoy spending time with him, then that's a sign that you should give him a few more dates to see what could happen. My friend did this - she wasn't all that physically attracted to the guy at first, but she did think he had a fun and interesting personality (so, right there even, there is SOMETHING she was drawn to). They had a great time their first couple of dates, so she decided to keep hanging out with him because he was always a lot of fun. And lo and behold, almost a year later, they are talking of marriage

However, if after 5 or 6 dates, you REALLY do not look forward to seeing him, cut him lose. If you've been seeing someone for a month, and there's nothing whatsoever, then you should keep it moving.

 

[tiara76]

Ha...see I wish I could even say that. I don't particularly look forward to SEEING him really at all. I like his words, his compliments, his attention, etc....ALL of that. In fact, you WANT a man to feel so wonderful about you. That's what I WANT! But, when you don't feel exactly the same way....it gets complicated. IDK...I'm still trying to give him a chance, because he is being nice, and after getting over an "ex" guy friend of mine who I was "in love" with but who was only lukewarm about me, I feel like I DESERVE a guy to be madly INTO me. But now...why can't I find one that is into me that I'm into too?

now this i can relate too alot...not too long ago I told a guy that i appreciated all the things he did, i like the gifts, the compliments...all of those actions generate feel good emotions that come and go...they do not generate an attraction for you to where i want to be with you..as nice as he was....as much as he wanted to and did all the right "actions" there was no attraction to him at all.....he's cool, he's nice, we can have cool convos..he looks good, has a nice body, there is nothing "wrong" with him ..im just not attracted to him and i couldn't pretend with him so i just had to tell him that just because he does things i like doesn't make me attracted to him..there is a difference...and sometimes women get caught up in all the actions of the man and the "feeling" good that they try to look past the non existent attraction levels and tell themselves well he's doing all the right things and this is what i want from a man so let me try to make it work with this man since he's doing all of these things i "THINK" will make me happy and feel loved....so its more like forcing something that isn't there

when somebody grows on you it usually catches you off guard...its not anything you ever thought would be something and you probably just wrote it off, didn't put too much energy into it, kinda went with the flow vs trying to make it happen/force yourself to start feeling that person and next thing you know it happens and you don't know when it went from

mehhhhhh

to


wooowwww..how did this happen

 

[Duff]

for me I gave it 3 months of talking and 3 solid dates . I just could not do it. I remember on our second date, I gave him a hug goodbye and thanked him for the date and he wanted to stand in the parking lot and hold me and then I could tell he was going to try to lean in and kiss me . I grossed me out. I was like super fast ninja and got out of that hug before anything happen. that's when I knew. but I still gave it one more date to make sure.

 

[Ms Red]

I found him attractive and handsome but he wasn't my "type."

After several conversations, dates, etc. I dropped the "type" and started falling for him.