I can't believe I'm asking for advice on this... I'm losing attraction to my DF :(

[Zawaj]

Re: I can't believe I'm asking for advice on this... I'm losing attraction to my DF :

I completely understand. I would still talk to him and lay it down on the table, maybe you call can compromise on the length or something, even tho they want to grow them as long as they can. You know its a sin to be up in the masjid babyfaced. One of my unlces cant grow facial hair and he is the black sheep up amongst the men.

This is what I do with my husband: compromise. At one point before we got married his sisters told him his huge beard made him look like he was in the Taliban . So I just told him let's compromise and he let's me trim and shape it up for him. I am not used to a lot of facial/body hair on men either since my dad, uncles and cousins are nearly hairless.

 

[CandiceC]

Re: I can't believe I'm asking for advice on this... I'm losing attraction to my DF :

If he is truly following Islamic beliefs, then he will grow his beard no shorter than fist lenght.
The teachings say he NEEDS this beard:

"Thus, a Muslim who shaves or shortens his beard is like a hermaphrodite, his Imamate near prohibition, his evidence is not valid, he will not have the right to vote or being voted for. Shaving and shortening the beard is the action of non-believers."

"The Hadith categorically states that the beard should be lengthened and the moustache cut. This is related both in Bukhari and Muslim. Rasulullah – Peace be upon him – has sternly commanded this to his followers."

Wow. erplexed Ummm, he wasn't following Islam when you met, then got engaged right? It's kind of crazy for him to spring all this new stuff on you and expect everything to be kosher. (I really don't mean that to be funny in any way, I just can't think of another way to say it).

Trying to find the bright side... At least this is happening before they got married. So they can iron this out now. And perhaps have other conversations about their faith(s).

 

[vivEz daNs lamouR]

Re: I can't believe I'm asking for advice on this... I'm losing attraction to my DF :

I completely understand. I would still talk to him and lay it down on the table, maybe you call can compromise on the length or something, even tho they want to grow them as long as they can. You know its a sin to be up in the masjid babyfaced. One of my unlces cant grow facial hair and he is the black sheep up amongst the men.

LOL @ your uncles. I think I'm going to bring it up to him, I'm just really nervous because I don't want to hurt him or his feelings, I don't want him to feel like if I'm trying to get in the way of him and his practicing of religion, but I also don't want to feel the way that I do. I don't want to be in love with someone who I'm not physically attracted to. *sigh*

Put some nair on that thang while he sleeps.

LOL if only it were that easy!

, o goodness, sorry..... wow, this is realllly a tough one since its a religious thing.... Thank goodness I like facial hair because my FH is also Muslim,, and I wish hed stop shaving so much ....... I realllly feel for you because obviously a great part of why youre with him is youre attraction to him and if his looks are becoming unnappealing.... All you can do is tell him in a gentle way and see what happens..... can you really marry someone who you arent attracted to if he insists on keeping the beard?

No. I can't, and that's the worst part of this. I'm not taking vows just purely based on looks, but at the same time, I want to know that I will always love and be attracted to my mate. I want to get married and STAY married, I'm in this for the long haul.

 

[DragonPearl]

Re: I can't believe I'm asking for advice on this... I'm losing attraction to my DF :

This is what I do with my husband: compromise. At one point before we got married his sisters told him his huge beard made him look like he was in the Taliban . So I just told him let's compromise and he let's me trim and shape it up for him. I am not used to a lot of facial/body hair on men either since my dad, uncles and cousins are nearly hairless.

The bolded sounds like a good idea. Perhaps you can find a neatly trimmed bearded attractive. But in any case, you are going to have to say something, and not keep your feelings under wrap.

 

[vivEz daNs lamouR]

Re: I can't believe I'm asking for advice on this... I'm losing attraction to my DF :

If he is truly following Islamic beliefs, then he will grow his beard no shorter than fist lenght.
The teachings say he NEEDS this beard:

"Thus, a Muslim who shaves or shortens his beard is like a hermaphrodite, his Imamate near prohibition, his evidence is not valid, he will not have the right to vote or being voted for. Shaving and shortening the beard is the action of non-believers."

"The Hadith categorically states that the beard should be lengthened and the moustache cut. This is related both in Bukhari and Muslim. Rasulullah – Peace be upon him – has sternly commanded this to his followers."

Wow. erplexed Ummm, he wasn't following Islam when you met, then got engaged right? It's kind of crazy for him to spring all this new stuff on you and expect everything to be kosher. (I really don't mean that to be funny in any way, I just can't think of another way to say it).

He was practicing, but nowhere near as hard as he is now. One day he came home with a kufi on, and wanted to start wearing a kufi and growing a beard. It would be different if this was how he was when I met him, but he was the exact opposite. I just want the person I met, aesthetically, back.

Are you sure that there's no way you can get used to it? If this is his choice then you are gonna have to make some choices too. If it just totally freaks you out and he's determined to keep it.... it's better to end an engagement than a marriage

I don't think that I can It wouldn't be fair for me to settle for something, especially a marriage that I don't feel physical attraction in. I've thought of what making love with him having a long beard on will be like.. I felt like I was thinking of an Arabic Santa Claus.

 

[CandiceC]

Re: I can't believe I'm asking for advice on this... I'm losing attraction to my DF :

LOL @ your uncles. I think I'm going to bring it up to him, I'm just really nervous because I don't want to hurt him or his feelings, I don't want him to feel like if I'm trying to get in the way of him and his practicing of religion, but I also don't want to feel the way that I do. I don't want to be in love with someone who I'm not physically attracted to. *sigh*



LOL if only it were that easy!



No. I can't, and that's the worst part of this. I'm not taking vows just purely based on looks, but at the same time, I want to know that I will always love and be attracted to my mate. I want to get married and STAY married, I'm in this for the long haul.

You may not always be physically attracted to him. Things happen- change in appearance due to diseases, accidents, aging etc. You can get through this situation, but you won't know what will happen in the future. As with everything you pretty much gotta take it one day at a time.

 

[vivEz daNs lamouR]

Re: I can't believe I'm asking for advice on this... I'm losing attraction to my DF :

You may not always be physically attracted to him. Things happen- change in appearance due to diseases, accidents, aging etc. You can get through this situation, but you won't know what will happen in the future. As with everything you pretty much gotta take it one day at a time.

Yeah I agree with you, but also, those things are pretty much out of my or anyone's control. I wouldn't lose attraction to him due to an illness or something that's beyond his control.

Idk, did what I just said make sense? My words are all jumbled tonight.

 

[Theo]

Re: I can't believe I'm asking for advice on this... I'm losing attraction to my DF :

I had a friend who did this for similar reasons. All his friends comments just made him more adamant and stubborn. And it looked horrible and dirty.


I don't know what finally made him cut off.... I do know he got no play whatsoever while he looked like that.

 

[Ms.Honey]

Re: I can't believe I'm asking for advice on this... I'm losing attraction to my DF :

He was practicing, but nowhere near as hard as he is now. One day he came home with a kufi on, and wanted to start wearing a kufi and growing a beard. It would be different if this was how he was when I met him, but he was the exact opposite. I just want the person I met, aesthetically, back.



I don't think that I can It wouldn't be fair for me to settle for something, especially a marriage that I don't feel physical attraction in. I've thought of what making love with him having a long beard on will be like.. I felt like I was thinking of an Arabic Santa Claus.

It sounds like you know what you want to do but you just don't have the courage to do it yet.

 

[CandiceC]

Re: I can't believe I'm asking for advice on this... I'm losing attraction to my DF :

Yeah I agree with you, but also, those things are pretty much out of my or anyone's control. I wouldn't lose attraction to him due to an illness or something that's beyond his control.

Idk, did what I just said make sense? My words are all jumbled tonight.

I got ya.
From the stuff I'm reading here about Islam it seems like it's something he feels he has to do. That's a tough spot to be in for both of you. I'm hoping you can learn to look past the beard if he won't cut it.

I'm mad you said Arabic Santa Claus.

 

[hopeful]

Re: I can't believe I'm asking for advice on this... I'm losing attraction to my DF :

I just hope everything works out. You are in quite a predicament. I don't think you have any choice but to tell him exactly how you feel. I know you are afraid of the fallout but it's better to face it head on now. You can't get married feeling "unattracted" to him, that is so unfair to you and him. I'm really sorry you are going through this.

 

[BrooklynSouth]

Re: I can't believe I'm asking for advice on this... I'm losing attraction to my DF :

I normally wouldn't bring many issues up on here for advice unless I really feel like I need other people's input, but this is something that I don't feel comfortable talking to my friends about. Please help with your honest advice.

When my FH's father died last year, he started becoming more religious and into Islam. I for one had no problem with this, because although I'm not Muslim (but a big portion of my family is), I think its always good for people to find themselves spiritually. I'm in the process of doing so.

However, about six months ago, FH started to grow a beard.

I hate beards. I hate facial hair unless its a mustache or some stubble. In fact, I hate when any man attempts to grow his hair, whether it be facial or on his head.

Seeing FH's hair before when he used to shave, I wasn't worried because I thought that it likely wasn't going to grow into anything, his hair is not of a thick texture or anything of the sort.

This beard has grown into what looks like my FH has glued pubic hairs to his face. Its thin, wispy, and curls up into knots and just looks dirty . When I started seeing this, I sensed my attraction level to him slowly dwindling down, and now it's at the point where I don't see myself physically attracted to him at all the way that I was before.

The other day, he told me that he wants to grow this beard to see how long he can get it, and all I could do was think to myself how bad this is going to look. Especially imagining my wedding next year and all of the things that I thought of.

The thing is that no one likes it on him. His mother and his sister get on his case about it all the time, my mom has mentioned, even my father when he saw him the last time said "Mannn, the recession is affecting barber shop prices, huh?" and his sister told him that he looked like a goat.

On the one hand, when I think about this, I feel like it comes across as being shallow, and I feel horrible that I'm losing attraction to someone who is a great fiancee and person and has been wonderful to me. But, on the flipside, I just can't shake the feelings that I get because I've just never been one to like beards or facial hair or growth of hair on men at ALL and that just doesn't change.

...What would you do in this situation?

Imagine how you'd feel should he say "NO!" to you growing your hair long.
Talk to him in a kind manner, help him shampoo it; moisturize and take care of it to reduce the look which is turning you off..suggest shaping it up now because as it grows {as his religious beliefs increse} he may be very reluctant to a shape up.

 

[vivEz daNs lamouR]

Re: I can't believe I'm asking for advice on this... I'm losing attraction to my DF :

Imagine how you'd feel should he say "NO!" to you growing your hair long.
Talk to him in a kind manner, help him shampoo it; moisturize and take care of it to reduce the look which is turning you off..suggest shaping it up now because as it grows {as his religious beliefs increse} he may be very reluctant to a shape up.

Well I do all of that now, but its just not working out or looking very good at all. I've tried brushing it to help it grown downward instead of outward and curling up into little balls, moisturizing it, shampooing AND conditioning it, I'm about one step away from breaking out a protein treatment and baggying.

 

[vivEz daNs lamouR]

Re: I can't believe I'm asking for advice on this... I'm losing attraction to my DF :

I got ya.
From the stuff I'm reading here about Islam it seems like it's something he feels he has to do. That's a tough spot to be in for both of you. I'm hoping you can learn to look past the beard if he won't cut it.

I'm mad you said Arabic Santa Claus.

I hope so too, I really don't want to lose a great guy because of aesthetics, it's really shallow and I know I would be heartbroken, and so would he.

 

[GeorginaSparks]

Re: I can't believe I'm asking for advice on this... I'm losing attraction to my DF :

It could also be a phase, albeit a really long one. He could be doing it to prove that he's the man of the house now. I'd just tell him that I dont like facial hair. I get the feeling it could take a while to convince him even if you tell him a couple times.

Well god has spoken. Listen to him/her

 

[vivEz daNs lamouR]

Re: I can't believe I'm asking for advice on this... I'm losing attraction to my DF :

Well god has spoken. Listen to him/her

LOL I will definitely listen to God with this one.

 

[SelahOco]

Re: I can't believe I'm asking for advice on this... I'm losing attraction to my DF :

Imagine him saying that he is not attracted to you with long hair and he would prefer if you cut it off. You might not like to hear him say that, but it's important for you to know that he takes issue with your appearance if you're going to be married. Give him the choice to stay or walk away, and he will give you the choice to deal with it or walk away -- or maybe you'll compromise. But you must be honest.