At What Point in a Relationship Do You Cut Other Men out of the Picture?

[Cincysweetie]

I don't know if my subject line captures my question that well...but what I'm asking is...say you are talking to a few men at the same time and there is one in particular that you are feeling more than the others. At what time do you cut the other men out of the picture?

I ask b/c I have met a guy that I REALLY like...and some recent events (like my ex popping back up in the pic) have confirmed my feelings for him. However, we aren't official or exclusive. I'm usually not the type to put all my "eggs in one basket", however I really like this guy and wouldn't mind taking our relationship to the next level. But I have other male friends also and a part of me wants to cut them out of the picture so I can focus on the guy that I like...and the other part of me is saying I'd be crazy to do so since we aren't official. Any thoughts on this topic?

 

[sonce]

For me, it's a matter of trust, not a matter of time. When I trust someone enough to feel as if they will not hurt me, as if a future with them is something I want and as if I can forsake all others for them without regretting it, then I know it is time to be exclusive. With my first love, I reached that point in a matter of days. With my second one, I never really reached that point and even though I was physically monogamous with him, emotionally, I was keeping an eye out for Plan Bs and Cs (and we were together almost three years!). Since I became single 5 months ago, I have been in the habit of dating several guys simultaneously. I have emotional ties to a couple of them but I am not going to commit exclusively to anyone any of them time soon because I do not yet trust them enough.

 

[Cincysweetie]

For me, it's a matter of trust, not a matter of time. When I trust someone enough to feel as if they will not hurt me, as if a future with them is something I want and as if I can forsake all others for them without regretting it, then I know it is time to be exclusive. With my first love, I reached that point in a matter of days. With my second one, I never really reached that point and even though I was physically monogamous with him, emotionally, I was keeping an eye out for Plan Bs and Cs (and we were together almost three years!). Since I became single 5 months ago, I have been in the habit of dating several guys simultaneously. I have emotional ties to a couple of them but I am not going to commit exclusively to anyone any of them time soon because I do not yet trust them enough.

That's a good way to put it, I hadn't thought of looking at it that way.

For me, it's not just about trusting him but about trusting myself. I've only had a couple committed relationships (in retrospect, they were all kind of a joke) and in at least 2 of them I kept a Plan B or C in the background emotionally. I like this guy, but a part of me is nervous that I might struggle with a committed relationship b/c my previous relationships haven't been the best and I've been single (and loved it!) for quite awhile now....I'm not that good at relationships! A part of me wants to test myself and see if I can cut the other guys out of the picture...without telling them why and without telling the main guy that I'm doing so. But then...what's my reason for not telling them?? Is it to make sure I can still have the Plan B and C?

I've also heard some people say they're single until their married...so they always have a Plan B even when they're in a so-called committed relationship.

I really like this guy...I hope that things progress with us, but of course only if it's meant to be. I also think a part of me doesn't want to do anything now (when we aren't officially together) that could cause drama later. I guess I'm a little confused about it all...

 

[meia]

I usually cut them out as soon as I realize my feelings for that one particular guy is growing steadily. This is why i'm constantly (and consistently, lol) disappointed. I do believe a woman who's just starting to more closely pursue a man shouldn't get wrapped up and should keep it as light and detached as possible if they want the relationship to have a future- which I always believe the opposite and I was so, so wrong.

I'm exactly the opposite of you, lol! I put all of my eggs in one basket often times but I don't "make the leap" into official until I know the other person's true feelings. If I were you I would keep the other male friends in the picture until you're quite sure of his feelings too. It helps to keep it lighter, more detached, and allows him to realize that you're somewhat his and somewhat unattainable. It gives off the perfect air of nonchalance which is exactly what you need to make the attachment stronger. I know JUST how you feel because I did everything that you mentioned you felt like doing with my current (and only) boyfriend. I suffocated him faster than I don't know what...lol...thats why I recommend keeping the friends. It keeps you close to him but lets him know that if he doesn't "take a chance" you could be lost. Hmmmm think about it and let me know how you feel, Cincy!

 

[itismehmmkay]

Wait until you are official with him. If you break it w/ the other guys too early, he'll take advantage of that extra time.

 

[meia]

I don't think you'll struggle. It is a very new feeling. I've only ever had (As I mentioned) one relationship in life but he's taken me to hell and back and its certainly enlightened me. I think the best way to approach things is to forget the failures or successes of the past- start entirely fresh. I think sometimes the easiest thing to do is run away from commitment. My current bf (we've been together for 3 years now) ran away from it as much as possible.

I think the strongest & most wonderful thing a person can do is commit to something and put their all behind it. I think running away is most convenient. There's no problem with running but at some point wouldn't it just be wonderful to settle down and have a nice life where youre openly loving another person without fear of detachment?

I think anyone can be good at a relationship if they go freely of their own will, without reservation, fear, and lies. Just as apprehensive as you might be, he's probably got a few of those feelings too. Use them to your advantage and bond early. Be as friendly as possible and connect by building that bond. The rest, the chemistry, will do nothing but grow. Just remember to keep it moving slow but steady.

I know my bf had a plan A and B and I remember recently catching him off guard by asking why. He claimed he didn't want to burn bridges. I asked him, or do you want to have someone to run to if we crumble. He admitted yes. I told him not to be afraid anymore- that that fear will tear us apart. We had a long conversation and he realized he can't be like that otherwise he scorches our chances at happiness. I do believe you should (once you know how he feels) cut out the other plans. Nothing beats the real thing once you have it. Cut them out at your ease once you feel comfortable and you feel the relationship growing....

but do realize, with other plans in the picture, you're always going to give up on the relationship at hand because you'll always have, at the back of your head, the concept that someone is there if you want them. Its subconsciously damning.

 

[Cincysweetie]

Thanks ladies for the input!

I don't want to leap head first especially since we haven't even had the convo of where we want things to go...and I'm not bringing it up. I like him more than the other guys I talk to and he is the only one out of them all that I'd give up the others for. So sometimes when I'm talking to the other guys I can't help but think....why am I even still dealing with this guy when I don't even care about him the way I care about the other? But, I am afraid to burn bridges so I don't want to tell them that I've met someone else. The guy that I really like knows that I have other friends and talk to other people...I want him to know that I'm more serious abouto him than anyone else but idk if the time is right for that convo. I also think that if I do start spending less time with the other guys that I don't want to tell the main guy...I don't want it to go to his head nor do I want him to take advantage of it and feel as though he doesn't have to work as hard.

Maybe I'm overthinking...ha ha.

 

[Lindy]

I know exactly what you're going through... Another question that I have is should you continue to actively seek men out if you're dating someone that you feel you might want to be seriously involved with...

For instance, if you're dating online and you've been out with someone a few times, things are going nicely, but you haven't had "the talk" about not seeing other people, do you continue to respond and go out with other guys? And if guy number one asks you out, but you already made plans with guy #2, are you up front and say that you already have a date, or just say you have other plans, and leave it at that?? Lord... dating is hell...

 

[locabouthair]

I don't know if my subject line captures my question that well...but what I'm asking is...say you are talking to a few men at the same time and there is one in particular that you are feeling more than the others. At what time do you cut the other men out of the picture?

I ask b/c I have met a guy that I REALLY like...and some recent events (like my ex popping back up in the pic) have confirmed my feelings for him. However, we aren't official or exclusive. I'm usually not the type to put all my "eggs in one basket", however I really like this guy and wouldn't mind taking our relationship to the next level. But I have other male friends also and a part of me wants to cut them out of the picture so I can focus on the guy that I like...and the other part of me is saying I'd be crazy to do so since we aren't official. Any thoughts on this topic?

I agree with bolded. Not that you would be crazy lol. But I wouldnt cut them off until you two become official.

 

[GeorginaSparks]

I know exactly what you're going through... Another question that I have is should you continue to actively seek men out if you're dating someone that you feel you might want to be seriously involved with...

For instance, if you're dating online and you've been out with someone a few times, things are going nicely, but you haven't had "the talk" about not seeing other people, do you continue to respond and go out with other guys? And if guy number one asks you out, but you already made plans with guy #2, are you up front and say that you already have a date, or just say you have other plans, and leave it at that?? Lord... dating is hell...

I would tell him i had other plans and leave it at that.

 

[NOLA2NY]

Hi Cincy,

I don't believe there is a certain time to just cut everyone off...generally when you find that 'guy' the others begin to diminish on their own, i.e., talking to and going out with them become unimportant. Before you know it you will have unconsciously eliminated them from your life. If their presence doesn't decrease but increase in your life then maybe ‘Mr. Possibly Right’, might not be him after. Focus on getting to know 'him' before you make steps in the wrong direction. Also I wouldn’t be worried about have alternate back up plans...those guys who you are considering cutting off probably should have been anyway...you know how sometimes we like to hold on to nothing and keep them around using the excuse of them being around for entertainment purposes but we know they aren't the one. So I said all that to say...don't make a move one way or the other. Your King will emerge up from the crowd you don't have to clear a path for him until you know it is 'him' and then all the other won't even exist in your eyes.

 

[Syrah]

I don't know if my subject line captures my question that well...but what I'm asking is...say you are talking to a few men at the same time and there is one in particular that you are feeling more than the others. At what time do you cut the other men out of the picture?

I ask b/c I have met a guy that I REALLY like...and some recent events (like my ex popping back up in the pic) have confirmed my feelings for him. However, we aren't official or exclusive. I'm usually not the type to put all my "eggs in one basket", however I really like this guy and wouldn't mind taking our relationship to the next level. But I have other male friends also and a part of me wants to cut them out of the picture so I can focus on the guy that I like...and the other part of me is saying I'd be crazy to do so since we aren't official. Any thoughts on this topic?

When you decide that this one is worth FULLY investing in.

In this sense - think of stocks - you diversify to cover your losses. To make sure that when one is down, you've got something else out there that's moving up.

I've said this before - I think committment is about risks and rewards. You're committed when you decide that the potential reward of entertaining a new "somebody" (any new somebody) is not worth the risk of losing what you've got. The risks outweigh the rewards.

When you've decided that you comfortable with increasing a bit of risk, by investing in ONE individual - that's when you cut the other men out the picture.

Have you seen him TRULY upset or angry? Can you deal with it?
Have you met some folks in his family (or friends that are REALLY close to him) and decide that you like his supporting cast?
What about his long term plans and strategy?

...jump in, girl. You can always jump back out.

 

[Cincysweetie]

Thanks ladies for the input. I've decided to let things progress naturally...I agree with whoever said that if he's the right one, the other guys will probably disappear on their own (it was put much better than that, ha ha but y'all know what I'm saying).

We had a rough patch this weekend that has got me to doing even more thinking and kinda left me feeling even more confused than I originally was. I really like this guy but I have to realize that if it's meant to be it will be and if it's not I have to accept that and move on. So we'll see. Thanks again for all the input, I greatly appreciate it!