ashamed of hair that's not even mine...

[scotchbonnet]

Wow - I am a newbie on the board. I am not American and have never been there - so I can't say I understand the cultural issues. But I work all over the world and have worked with many Americans and others. I had locs for 9 years. I know some saw me and thought why do I do that to my hair - that it was dirty and unkempt. But that's okay.

Because when I walked/walk in a room with my locs or my natural hair as it is now and I am ready for business - I am the baddest ***** in the room. I dont blend in - I stand out. When I walk in a room with all my bald head or my long locs - I turn heads, because I am confident and that is what people see through any hairstyle. Its your confidence which shines through.

I hope you come to some acceptance - real soon. It is really liberating when you can feel great about yourself and accept YOU - hair included. Whatever hairstyle you opt for - I am pleased you realise the need for a shift in thinking. Good luck.

 

[Carrie A]

i finally grew enough hair on this bald head of mine to change from braids/twists to weaves.

When i had my hair shaved off after a huge set-back, I always had dreams of wearing an afro kinky/curly type hair. I ordered Erena hair (natural curly) and AAMH afro kinky curly.

ladies, i can't believe how "prejudiced" I've become regarding our naps. When i installed the ERENA hair, i was very happy. it's a 3a/b texture. You know the type: soft brown, coily, bouncy. a big soft/curly afro. Which is not my hair color/texture
.

Are you a member of NP? I'm sure your bias was there all along but it's been brought up to your conscious mind so now you have to face your feelings head on. For some feeling comfortable in your own skin/ hair/ is a process but I think now is the time to actively challenge your thoughts. You don't have to just accept your bias. I recommended NP because there are many good articles and essays by natural women who struggled with and overcame acceptance of their hair. Even so there are still folks that are not comfortable in certain natural styles like the BAA. Keep trying that kinky hair. Then one day try wearing your own hair in a fro.
Challenge your perception of your own beauty daily. Over time you may begin to see in yourself the beauty that you see in other ladies.

 

[tarheelgurl]

Wow - I am a newbie on the board. I am not American and have never been there - so I can't say I understand the cultural issues. But I work all over the world and have worked with many Americans and others. I had locs for 9 years. I guess you would see me and say I am one dirty unkempt chic if you saw me then. But that's okay.

Because when I walked/walk in a room with my locs or my natural hair as it is now and I am ready for business - I am the baddest ***** in the room. I dont blend in - I stand out. When I walk in a room with all my bald head or my long locs - I turn heads, because I am confident and that is what people see through any hairstyle. Its your confidence which shines through.

I hope you come to some acceptance - real soon. Thats all. It is really liberating when you can feel great about yourself and accept YOU - hair included. Whatever hairstyle you opt for - I am pleased you realise the need for a shift in thinking. Good luck.

WOW! Very well said....this post got me hyped to be MY baddest!

 

[Desarae]

Are you a member of NP? I'm sure your bias was there all along but it's been brought up to your conscious mind so now you have to face your feelings head on. For some feeling comfortable in your own skin/ hair/ is a process but I think now is the time to actively challenge your thoughts. You don't have to just accept your bias. I recommended NP because there are many good articles and essays by natural women who struggled with and overcame acceptance of their hair. Even so there are still folks that are not comfortable in certain natural styles like the BAA. Keep trying that kinky hair. Then one day try wearing your own hair in a fro.
Challenge your perception of your own beauty daily. Over time you may begin to see in yourself the beauty that you see in other ladies.

ITA with everything in this post.

 

[thatscuteright]

Where did you order the hair from. I want to try it.

 

[newbiemom]

I had the same problem. I BC in April and I have 4ab hair but I have never worn it out wo a relaxer so I was terrified of my hair. It was so thick and there were no curls inthe front. But my hubby was ecstatic that I didn't have fake hair so i kept trying. FF 7 months and I straightend my hair just to see how I would like it and I can't wait to get my nappy hair back. It just takes some getting use to.

 

[femmemuscle]

okay ladies...i'm over my reaction..i'm kind of wondering if this is the BHM forum....It's very refreshing to see folks "reaction" to my own "reaction"..Keep posting, i'm getting more insight on the biases, and feelings of our members here as well.

i was being honest..that's the only way i know how to be...it's great! and i won't change my writing style to suit anyone on this forum.

Yes, the board goes BOTH WAYS... i appreciate my honesty as well as yours. If you hadn't noticed, i took the time to "THANK" each of you ladies for your responses.

The more i look in the mirror, and learn how to work with all of this hair, the more i like it. i refuse to take the install out, because it's beautiful. The confidence is coming, it's just going to take time.

92 posts! my gawd..

carry on..

 

[thatscuteright]

I love my natural 4bcdxyz hair, but many people don't. When I first joined the board, I worked very hard and grew it out to bra strap. I went to a salon one dayto get it straightened for my cousin's wedding. I was still a little bit insecure about my complexion and my hair. I knew that having my complexion and hair type is not favorable in the Black community.
The stylist sat me in chair, and did not look too please to have me in it.
She says wow you have alot of hair, which I did. She then proceeded to pick through it as if it would bite her or something.
She took me to the back to wash it, and after washing my hair, my hair shrank to about 4-5 inches of tightly coiled kinky hair.
She wrapped my hair in a towel and took me back to her chair, She took the towel off my head and proceeded to comb through. While I was sitting there, I almost wanted to get up and leave. I would never forget the looks of nastiness, dirtiness, shame, and embarrassment that other clients and stylists gave me as they walked by our chair. Many of them had looks of pity and were obviously embarrassed for me.

I could tell that that they felt sorry for me, wondered by I would leave my hair in such a state, felt embarrassed and ashamed for me, and thankful that they did not have to deal with that kind hair.
Some even smirked, laughed and went to the back to talk about me
Because I had so much hair and the stylist had to be somewhere apparently, she asked for help from 2 other stylists to help her straighten it, the whole entire time they kept asking me why I did not relax my hair, how long did it take me to grow it and do I plan to get a relaxer.

 

[sowhut]

After the Jay Z thread,I realized that many people on this forum felt the same way as the OP. I feel bad for the OP. It must suck to hate such an big part of yourself

Im still surprised that some ppl thought his hair looked bad. His hair looked JUST like alot of naturals here whom ppl have praised heavily. So were they lying about liking that texture? erplexed

I'm thinking (hoping) that it was just something personal with Jay lol.

No comment on the OP because I cant relate on any level, but I do wish you the best in your hair journey.

 

[JayAnn0513]

I love my natural 4bcdxyz hair, but many people don't. When I first joined the board, I worked very hard and grew it out to bra strap. I went to a salon one dayto get it straightened for my cousin's wedding. I was still a little bit insecure about my complexion and my hair. I knew that having my complexion and hair type is not favorable in the Black community.
The stylist sat me in chair, and did not look too please to have me in it.
She says wow you have alot of hair, which I did. She then proceeded to pick through it as if it would bite her or something.
She took me to the back to wash it, and after washing my hair, my hair shrank to about 4-5 inches of tightly coiled kinky hair.
She wrapped my hair in a towel and took me back to her chair, She took the towel off my head and proceeded to comb through. While I was sitting there, I almost wanted to get up and leave. I would never forget the looks of nastiness, dirtiness, shame, and embarrassment that other clients and stylists gave me as they walked by our chair. Many of them had looks of pity and were obviously embarrassed for me.

I could tell that that they felt sorry for me, wondered by I would leave my hair in such a state, felt embarrassed and ashamed for me, and thankful that they did not have to deal with that kind hair.
Some even smirked, laughed and went to the back to talk about me
Because I had so much hair and the stylist had to be somewhere apparently, she asked for help from 2 other stylists to help her straighten it, the whole entire time they kept asking me why I did not relax my hair, how long did it take me to grow it and do I plan to get a relaxer.

That is a shame...

 

[Dak]

Femmemuscle, you really hit a nerve here!

Regarding your comment on feeling "dirty", I wonder what your experience from your childhood was like in regards to your natural hair. Perhaps in making the switch to straight hair you heard a comment around you.

When I started wearing my hair "natural" it brought me back to a feeling of "strife," from all the tears I had having my hair ripped through as a child.

I like what peony said about complimenting little girls on their hair. Both my sisters have 2B hair, while mine is in the 3C/4A range. All healthy hair should be praised.

 

[femmemuscle]

I love my natural 4bcdxyz hair, but many people don't. When I first joined the board, I worked very hard and grew it out to bra strap. I went to a salon one dayto get it straightened for my cousin's wedding. I was still a little bit insecure about my complexion and my hair. I knew that having my complexion and hair type is not favorable in the Black community.
The stylist sat me in chair, and did not look too please to have me in it.
She says wow you have alot of hair, which I did. She then proceeded to pick through it as if it would bite her or something.
She took me to the back to wash it, and after washing my hair, my hair shrank to about 4-5 inches of tightly coiled kinky hair.
She wrapped my hair in a towel and took me back to her chair, She took the towel off my head and proceeded to comb through. While I was sitting there, I almost wanted to get up and leave. I would never forget the looks of nastiness, dirtiness, shame, and embarrassment that other clients and stylists gave me as they walked by our chair. Many of them had looks of pity and were obviously embarrassed for me.

I could tell that that they felt sorry for me, wondered by I would leave my hair in such a state, felt embarrassed and ashamed for me, and thankful that they did not have to deal with that kind hair.
Some even smirked, laughed and went to the back to talk about me
Because I had so much hair and the stylist had to be somewhere apparently, she asked for help from 2 other stylists to help her straighten it, the whole entire time they kept asking me why I did not relax my hair, how long did it take me to grow it and do I plan to get a relaxer.

I thank you for your experience! I've had my hair relaxed for a long time, while wearing weaves. When i cut all of that off and grew my natural hair to a shoulder length afro, i decided to go to a beauty shop to have it washed/deep conditioned, and flat ironed, etc.

It was just the opposite around white people. They couldn't stop staring. I was working with the only black beautician in that shop. He was "showing it off" turning the chair to show all of theose asians, and whites: "See? we can grow hair!" You could see in their eyes that the myth was shattered.

Thanks to someone on the BHM forum - i lost all of my hair. And am growing it back. My natural 4b hair isn't anywhere as "thick" as this hair. All i know is, when i decide to take this install out, my hair will be long - yes, but then i'll be "reacting" again to how thin my own hair is - compared to the darn install.

i'm sorry that happened to you. and if you ever come on this forum for support, you can believe i'll TOTALLY understand.

 

[Kurlee]

Im still surprised that some ppl thought his hair looked bad. His hair looked JUST like alot of naturals here whom ppl have praised heavily. So were they lying about liking that texture? erplexed

I'm thinking (hoping) that it was just something personal with Jay lol.

No comment on the OP because I cant relate on any level, but I do wish you the best in your hair journey.

 

[Kurlee]

Are you a member of NP? I'm sure your bias was there all along but it's been brought up to your conscious mind so now you have to face your feelings head on. For some feeling comfortable in your own skin/ hair/ is a process but I think now is the time to actively challenge your thoughts. You don't have to just accept your bias. I recommended NP because there are many good articles and essays by natural women who struggled with and overcame acceptance of their hair. Even so there are still folks that are not comfortable in certain natural styles like the BAA. Keep trying that kinky hair. Then one day try wearing your own hair in a fro.
Challenge your perception of your own beauty daily. Over time you may begin to see in yourself the beauty that you see in other ladies.

Totally agree!!

 

[crazydaze911]

hey femme - thanks for your honesty. I had a problem with hair texture for many many years - manly b/c my sister and mother have a different texture and mine required so much more care to wash, detangle and maintain - and my mom sucked at it - lol.
i grew up wanting that hair that you can go to the pool or beach and not be embarrassed at what ur hair looked like after - that carefree hair.... but i now believe it was truly all brain washing..

I now can appreciate all types of hair and i LOVE the versatility of 3 and 4 hair types. I'm also more concerned with length, then texture. I am transitioning and will enjoy my curly-kinky hair more when its longer, but for now the shrinkage drives my crazy.

btw - i let my hair airdry w/out product in the salon one time and my BFF told me i looked like Erykah Badu and i wasnt happy about that either, but it was nothing towards other 4s or Badu, i was just hoping for a more sex-symbol like analogy - lol.

 

[sowhut]

hey femme - thanks for your honesty. I had a problem with hair texture for many many years - manly b/c my sister and mother have a different texture and mine required so much more care to wash, detangle and maintain - and my mom sucked at it - lol.
i grew up wanting that hair that you can go to the pool or beach and not be embarrassed at what ur hair looked like after - that carefree hair.... but i now believe it was truly all brain washing..

I now can appreciate all types of hair and i LOVE the versatility of 3 and 4 hair types. I'm also more concerned with length, then texture. I am transitioning and will enjoy my curly-kinky hair more when its longer, but for now the shrinkage drives my crazy.

btw - i let my hair airdry w/out product in the salon one time and my BFF told me i looked like Erykah Badu and i wasnt happy about that either, but it was nothing towards other 4s or Badu, i was just hoping for a more sex-symbol like analogy - lol.

YES... screw texture, length is where its at! lol

I am transitioning too ( i think), I am just gonna have to transition for the rest of my life. I dont want to have short hair again.

*Sorry for the hijack OP*

 

[Hairsofab]

I love my natural 4bcdxyz hair, but many people don't. When I first joined the board, I worked very hard and grew it out to bra strap. I went to a salon one dayto get it straightened for my cousin's wedding. I was still a little bit insecure about my complexion and my hair. I knew that having my complexion and hair type is not favorable in the Black community.
The stylist sat me in chair, and did not look too please to have me in it.
She says wow you have alot of hair, which I did. She then proceeded to pick through it as if it would bite her or something.
She took me to the back to wash it, and after washing my hair, my hair shrank to about 4-5 inches of tightly coiled kinky hair.
She wrapped my hair in a towel and took me back to her chair, She took the towel off my head and proceeded to comb through. While I was sitting there, I almost wanted to get up and leave. I would never forget the looks of nastiness, dirtiness, shame, and embarrassment that other clients and stylists gave me as they walked by our chair. Many of them had looks of pity and were obviously embarrassed for me.

I could tell that that they felt sorry for me, wondered by I would leave my hair in such a state, felt embarrassed and ashamed for me, and thankful that they did not have to deal with that kind hair.
Some even smirked, laughed and went to the back to talk about me
Because I had so much hair and the stylist had to be somewhere apparently, she asked for help from 2 other stylists to help her straighten it, the whole entire time they kept asking me why I did not relax my hair, how long did it take me to grow it and do I plan to get a relaxer.

This is exactly why I haven't been to a salon since I've been natural this last time. I know a back when I did my second big cut I used to get my hair braided at an african shop and they had that same look of contempt for my hair. I know the look.

 

[thatscuteright]

This is exactly why I haven't been to a salon since I've been natural this last time. I know a back when I did my second big cut I used to get my hair braided at an african shop and they had that same look of contempt for my hair. I know the look.

I received looks of contempt and disgust from my mothers friends and other Africans as well
They acted like I was too poor for a relaxer

 

[femmemuscle]

YES... screw texture, length is where its at! lol

I am transitioning too ( i think), I am just gonna have to transition for the rest of my life. I dont want to have short hair again.

*Sorry for the hijack OP*

no problem, i'm with you there. But some wise woman on this forum once said "Natural and length" don't seem to go together when it comes to her hair.

I have to agree. i have 7" of my own hair, but i have to "Pull" it to prove it.

 

[princessnad]

OK OP. Can you identify WHY you thought the hair was "dirty"?

 

[thatscuteright]

I thank you for your experience! I've had my hair relaxed for a long time, while wearing weaves. When i cut all of that off and grew my natural hair to a shoulder length afro, i decided to go to a beauty shop to have it washed/deep conditioned, and flat ironed, etc.

It was just the opposite around white people. They couldn't stop staring. I was working with the only black beautician in that shop. He was "showing it off" turning the chair to show all of theose asians, and whites: "See? we can grow hair!" You could see in their eyes that the myth was shattered.

Thanks to someone on the BHM forum - i lost all of my hair. And am growing it back. My natural 4b hair isn't anywhere as "thick" as this hair. All i know is, when i decide to take this install out, my hair will be long - yes, but then i'll be "reacting" again to how thin my own hair is - compared to the darn install.

i'm sorry that happened to you. and if you ever come on this forum for support, you can believe i'll TOTALLY understand.

You are very lucky. Maybe I should have went to a white salon where I would have gotten better treatment. I relaxed soon after , regretted it and chopped it off again.
I was very scarred by that experience. I never received such hostility over my genetics.

 

[chebaby]

I've seen folks literally stoned on this forum for stating that their hair is two inches longer than it really is. E-lynched for having the audacity to post comparison photos where the timing on the shots may have been questionable and virtually horsewhipped for the simple misspelling of a cousin's name......

But look at us here, standing in line to give E-hugs
to someone bold enough to reference 4b texture as "dirty."

Hmmmm. Interesting

thank you

my point is that there is nothing at all wrong with opening up and telling us your opinions and how you feel. but you shouldnt do it when you can directly offend a bunch of ladies on here because they have the same hair type that you feel looks dirty.
thats like me getting a 3a silky weave and come on here to say i hate my 3a silky wig. it always looks so greasy like i never wash my hair. i mean, i love the look on other women just not on me. oh yea ladies i just went natural and my texture is 3a. lol im just trying to see her point i guess.

i really am not trying to start trouble. you can look at my history on here and see i usually dont respond to threads like this but this one just got to me i guess. and im not even a 4b but i found it to be offencive.

 

[chebaby]

I thank you for your experience! I've had my hair relaxed for a long time, while wearing weaves. When i cut all of that off and grew my natural hair to a shoulder length afro, i decided to go to a beauty shop to have it washed/deep conditioned, and flat ironed, etc.

It was just the opposite around white people. They couldn't stop staring. I was working with the only black beautician in that shop. He was "showing it off" turning the chair to show all of theose asians, and whites: "See? we can grow hair!" You could see in their eyes that the myth was shattered.

Thanks to someone on the BHM forum - i lost all of my hair. And am growing it back. My natural 4b hair isn't anywhere as "thick" as this hair. All i know is, when i decide to take this install out, my hair will be long - yes, but then i'll be "reacting" again to how thin my own hair is - compared to the darn install.

i'm sorry that happened to you. and if you ever come on this forum for support, you can believe i'll TOTALLY understand.

see, now i understand all this. i can understand not being used to a weave thats ten time thicker than you own hair and what that can do to you when you have to deal with you own hair. maybe it was the wording of the OP that sparked everything.

 

[mscocoface]

So femmemuscle now that you have 3 pages of discussion regarding your original statement what are your plans with helping yourself change your mindset or working on how you view you hair?

It is great to talk about it but even more wonderful to do something about it.

What next steps are you working on to free your mind about these thoughts or views that you have?

As the saying goes.....Free your mind and the rest will follow.

 

[Theresamonet]

Okay...who has said anything to ATTACK the op? Stating or implying that you don't like what someone has written, and not blowing them e-kisses, is not attacking them... I think the people rushing in to e-defend the op are the ones blowing things out of proportion. Can adult people openly have a disagreement without it being compared to the Salem witch trials?

 

[lovenharmony]

Why it gotta be dirty tho??

Exactly! That statement right there is what's got the popcorn flying head bopping and lip smacking up in this thread!!

 

[JustKiya]

erplexed
Some people just cant read between the lines. I mean, how blind can you be?

She obviously thought that hair was beautiful, until she saw it on her. She felt ugly and dirty, and is now wondering why. She realizes that is not the proper way to think and wants help or guidance in getting over that.

And all yall can see is someone calling a hair texture dirty.
We live in America, where caucasian features are praised and considered attractive, yet you wonder why this girl is brainwashed to think this way.

Come on now

THANK YOU!

So much drama over something that MANY black women IRL and on here think. Geez, there are so many threads, with people talking all kinds of nonsense and exposing what they really think about their hair. Anyone remember when Jay-z "needed" a haircut? But umm, somehow this girl has a problem? Stop acting BRAND NEW and stop with all the drama.

And thank you, again!!!

I've got 4b hair, and I read her post as a post of AWARENESS and SHOCK at herself, and at the reactions that the weave pulled from her subconscious. She was aware that those reactions were unhealthy, and illogical, and wanted to share to see if others felt the same way. I didn't feel like she was calling my texture dirty - at all. And even if she was, she realizes that it's untrue and unhealthy to feel that way.

And a lot of us do feel that way. Let's keep it real - weaves, relaxers, and flat irons wouldn't have a multiBILLION dollar revenue yearly if most black women loved the texture that came out of their scalp and found it attractive. Most black women, however, won't admit to themselves - much less a hair board of other women - that they don't like the texture, that it 'looks' ugly and dirty to them, and that they feel less than attractive with it - nah, it's all about 'manageability'. Sureee. You keep on saying that to yourself, if you want to........

I mean, if you look at almost any thread with Zahara in it, you can see how women - on this very board - really feel about naps left to be big and free and wild - and in case y'all don't kick it in ET, I can assure you, it ain't considered gorgeous/pretty - I've usuaully heard more about it being unkempt, dry, looking like ain't nobody taking care of her, and many cries of "Why doesn't Angie do that child's head!!"


I applaud you OP, for your honesty. Now that you know how you feel, you can consciously choose to change how you feel. You can free yourself from the years of subliminal indoctrination that says 'big, uncontrolled naps are unattractive/unclean/unkempt'. You might never actually like the style on yourself - personally, I hate the way an afro looks on me - but at least you will eventually be able to root out all of the negative emotions about your natural hair.

*shrug* She deserves e-hugs for being honest enough to admit that she has a faulty thought process. It's more than a whole host of posters on this forum are up to.

 

[Theresamonet]

OK OP. Can you identify WHY you thought the hair was "dirty"?

LOL. Your post and siggy go perfectly together...too funny!

 

[lovenharmony]

So femmemuscle now that you have 3 pages of discussion regarding your original statement what are your plans with helping yourself change your mindset or working on how you view you hair?

It is great to talk about it but even more wonderful to do something about it.

What next steps are you working on to free your mind about these thoughts or views that you have?

As the saying goes.....Free your mind and the rest will follow.

The silence says it all If someone really believes the things they are thinking is wrong and needs to be corrected, especially going on a hairboard with plenty of 4a/b/z "kinky sisters and making statements of how she thought that textured hair was such an such, then they would follow up in some form or fashion. Unless they were wanting it to pop off I needs some butta fo my popcorn!

 

[poookie]

thank you

my point is that there is nothing at all wrong with opening up and telling us your opinions and how you feel. but you shouldnt do it when you can directly offend a bunch of ladies on here because they have the same hair type that you feel looks dirty.
thats like me getting a 3a silky weave and come on here to say i hate my 3a silky wig. it always looks so greasy like i never wash my hair. i mean, i love the look on other women just not on me. oh yea ladies i just went natural and my texture is 3a. lol im just trying to see her point i guess.

i really am not trying to start trouble. you can look at my history on here and see i usually dont respond to threads like this but this one just got to me i guess. and im not even a 4b but i found it to be offencive.

ABSOLUTELY! i agree 100% with this post, and i didn't mean to upset OP with my post(s) in this thread.

And also, wording is everything. She could have came in here saying that she's totally not used to a kinky/coily hair type. But she came in here using loaded keywords like nappy (which some women embrace, but others find to be a slur), and equated the hair type to being dirty.

yes she recognized that this thinking was not cool, and that is a good thing, but... i have a hard time figuring out the purpose to posting an entire thread about this. did she want support? was she looking for other people who low key thought the same way? was she looking for an e-lashing? was she publically admitting her displeasure with people of this hair type? from the original post, it seemed like a plain ol' declaration. and those sort of things are much better suited for blog posts, and not thread topics.

just my two cents